Blossom717

I'm really struggling with everything going on. How do you forgive the alcoholic when he decides to put down the drink? How do you start working on your own recovery fully and let go of that resentment? I'm having a hard time letting go of the anger towards him, which in turn makes me angry towards myself.

Regardless of the future, whether I leave him or not, we need to learn to co-parent. Yesterday before DD's birthday party I got upset. We disagreed about where to move the party if it started to rain. Then everything I've been holding in just came out. I resent this whole situation. I tried so hard to give my child a better family set up than the one I had. But it didn't work out that way. I told ABF that I'm not happy that he is still smoking pot, but I'm proud that he isn't drinking. I told him that I want us both to be happy and I don't know how to be happy and that I'm frustrated that he isn't working a program (which I know, isn't my business). I'm frustrated with everything. I'm frustrated with myself for coming back after I left, and im frustrated for even leaving in the first place. I can't seem to just let go of the fear that I have, I'm struggling this weekend with "letting go and letting god".

I'm worried that my resentment is not only hindering my own recovery but ABF's too.

AnvilheadII

dive into your own "program" head first....whether that is working with a counselor, alanon or other support groups....whatever it takes, whatever method to help YOU get YOU sorted out. and find out what is at the basis of your resentments - hint - it's not about where to the move the party!!! we can't forgive if we don't know WHAT it is we are forgiving. that's like knowing you have a broken bone SOMEWHERE and just slapping bandaids on randomly.

it could also be said that your ABF isn't really IN recovery....no program, smoking pot 24/7, being a jerk.....regardless you are on the right track, that HIS stuff needs to stay over on HIS side of the street.

revealing bit about wanting to create the family for your DD that you did not have..........

iamthird

I think you have to forgive yourself first. Once you do that, I think it will be easier to forgive your A.

lillamy

That's in the future. I wouldn't worry about forgiving OR learning to co-parent right now -- that's a whole other ball of wax. You have plenty of pain on your plate without having to borrow from tomorrow's or next year's potential pain.

Is this really at the heart of your pain? I'm asking because for me, the residual guilt and pain is all about that -- about my children, and how they didn't have the childhood they deserved because I chose an addict to be their father and stuck with him even when I knew they suffered. If that's what's at the heart of your pain -- start there. Start with figuring out what you can do about that -- not just the pain, but the situation.

Resentment and learning to deal with it is part of recovery. I don't see any signs that your ABF is in recovery, so don't worry about how your resentment is affecting his recovery -- if there is one. That's his business. Not yours. Worry about yourself. (((hugs)))

Stung

I struggle with forgiveness too. But really forgiving is deciding to stop being angry, hurt, etc. whatever emotion is sucking up your energy and time. It's not about them at all. Working your program and focusing in yourself is all you can do. But it takes practice and everyday it'll get a little easier.

for·give
fərˈgiv/
verb
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
"I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her"
synonyms: pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve; More
antonyms: blame, resent
stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake).
"they are not going to pat my head and say all is forgiven"
cancel (a debt).
"he proposed that their debts should be forgiven"
used in polite expressions as a request to excuse or regard indulgently one's foibles, ignorance, or impoliteness.
"you will have to forgive my suspicious mind"
synonyms: excuse, overlook, disregard, ignore, pass over, make allowances for, allow; More
antonyms: punish

LadyinBC

The ONLY person who can hinder my recovery is ME. It is up to me to take care of my own recovery. This also goes for your boyfriend. He is responsible for himself.