Catherine628

AH and I were separated for a year. The kids and I moved back earlier this summer. Right now he is relapsing. He said the trigger is a work trip coming up that will take him around the world for 2 weeks. In just a few days he has crashed and is worse than I've ever seen him. It doesnt help that we are in the process of moving and now in light of things I'm not sure where we will go.

In lots of ways I'm dealing with things. But tonight I feel this strong urge to stop the work trip. Not that I would even know how to go about doing that. Another part of me wants to make damn sure he gets on that plane so I can have some relief from this nightmare.

This is one of those let the crisis happen moments right? He needs to either deal with the consequences of not being on that plane or of being drunk on the trip. There is nothing for me to do in this situation yet I feel this need to protect him. In the past I felt so much anger now I just hate seeing him so miserable. But I guess people don't stop drinking because they are happy.

I'm trying not to beat myself up about going back to him. The kids and I are happy to be in TX even though lots of pieces still need to be put into place. I feel like coming back here and seeing this relapse is preparing me to leave him and do it without regrets. I didnt expect to feel compassion for him or the need to protect him. Is this just codependency in a new form for me?

And it sucks that my therapist just retired.

Butterfly

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know if it's co dependency but I think your right you need to let him make his own choices and deal with the consequences. Maybe he is waiting for you to step in as he thinks you will stop the trip to prevent a relapse but you can't. Either way there will be consequences of him going or not I imagine his work won't be impressed if he doesn't go??

Let him make his own decisions and you focus on you how you and your kids will cope if he relapses.

This is his journey and his responsibility, your journey and responsibilities are you and your kids.

redatlanta

I see the compassion as a good sign. If it really is compassion and not codie world of trying to control the situation which is a nice way of saying you are trying to 'protect" him.

Compassion comes after anger a lot of times. I do have compassion for addicts. I don't have that monkey on my back some people never overcome the struggle. I can't imagine feeling everyday an urge so strong to do something that was destroying my life. With true compassion I can feel detachment, because I recognize that the person is not doing something "to" me. I can look at them inside their box and feel for them without taking it personally.

As for the "trigger" well……not buying that. Relapses happen long before the drink goes in the mouth. The trip was the excuse used to drink (though he may have been drinking long before you knew). Relapses happen because the A stops their recovery process. In a healthy recovery a trigger is acknowledged and then the A calls their sponsor, attends a meeting, or does whatever it takes to move forward sober.

Even if you had the ability to stop the trip you do not have the ability to stop the relapse.

Catherine628

This is the first time I can see the drinking as a disease not a choice. I used to get so angry and feel he was choosing alcohol over us. I'm back at step 1, I am powerless over this.

I can make some smart decisions about our living situation. Not buy another house but rent right now.