moral decline from long term alcoholism
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I wouldn't be with him if he didn't have a wonderful side to him; the person that I believe him to really be.
which is not WHO HE IS or who he SHOWS you he is, only who YOU think he could be.
who he is a lewd, crude, socially unacceptable jerk who will treat you any way HE sees fit, no matter how much it hurts you or bothers you.
the flashing in public is just plain.....creepy. sick.
quit blaming the alcohol. almost all of your threads ask the same question in a different way....is it the alcohol's fault?
which is not WHO HE IS or who he SHOWS you he is, only who YOU think he could be.
who he is a lewd, crude, socially unacceptable jerk who will treat you any way HE sees fit, no matter how much it hurts you or bothers you.
the flashing in public is just plain.....creepy. sick.
quit blaming the alcohol. almost all of your threads ask the same question in a different way....is it the alcohol's fault?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by carmen220 
I read that one of the symptoms of long time alcoholism is a moral decline. I think it's the damage that's done to the brain from over consumption for so long, but I really don't know; I'm just trying to understand it all.
I've mentioned once before that I have forgotten what "normal" is since I've been with my ABF. Again, I wouldn't be with him if he didn't have a wonderful side to him; the person that I believe him to really be.
His behaviors are inappropriate (with alcohol or not ... although I think there is always something in his system)....at least they are inappropriate to me.
In front of others, at inappropriate times, he's staring me up and down, making sexual comments. I told him it's disrespectful and embarrassing to me; he acts like I'm over sensitive.
He flashed me in a restaurant, something he knows is not exciting to me, but shocking, embarrassing and a major turn off.
His words and behaviors are crude... all this is pulling us apart romantically, so he blames me for not being interested in sex, when it's his actions and behaviors.. and of course, being drunk so much. He puts the blame on me; despite what I tell him, he doesn't believe me.
Is this typical of a long time drinker? Is this the moral decline that they talk about?
The other very troublesome behavior is road rage and anger toward others; I never know when he might explode. Again, is this the effects of the long term drinking?
I'm always so torn. He's my best friend and he has a kind heart, but I can't stand these behaviors. I am straight forward about how I feel about this, but it doesn't work. It's exhausting and gives me chest pains. He thinks that as long as I care about him, his behaviors shouldn't matter. I guess that's another symptom of how alcohol makes the brain think.
I wondered if anyone can tell me if this sounds typical or what kind of similar behavior issues they are dealing with. I fear that his brain could be damaged and I pray it's reversible.
I've mentioned once before that I have forgotten what "normal" is since I've been with my ABF. Again, I wouldn't be with him if he didn't have a wonderful side to him; the person that I believe him to really be.
His behaviors are inappropriate (with alcohol or not ... although I think there is always something in his system)....at least they are inappropriate to me.
In front of others, at inappropriate times, he's staring me up and down, making sexual comments. I told him it's disrespectful and embarrassing to me; he acts like I'm over sensitive.
He flashed me in a restaurant, something he knows is not exciting to me, but shocking, embarrassing and a major turn off.
His words and behaviors are crude... all this is pulling us apart romantically, so he blames me for not being interested in sex, when it's his actions and behaviors.. and of course, being drunk so much. He puts the blame on me; despite what I tell him, he doesn't believe me.
Is this typical of a long time drinker? Is this the moral decline that they talk about?
The other very troublesome behavior is road rage and anger toward others; I never know when he might explode. Again, is this the effects of the long term drinking?
I'm always so torn. He's my best friend and he has a kind heart, but I can't stand these behaviors. I am straight forward about how I feel about this, but it doesn't work. It's exhausting and gives me chest pains. He thinks that as long as I care about him, his behaviors shouldn't matter. I guess that's another symptom of how alcohol makes the brain think.
I wondered if anyone can tell me if this sounds typical or what kind of similar behavior issues they are dealing with. I fear that his brain could be damaged and I pray it's reversible.
You are right that the moral compass goes out the window with alcoholics. My wife ended up being arrested for DUI, losing her job due to professional misconduct, sleeping with other men behind my back - and the lies. It's the lies that did me in the end, as it was impossible to believe anything she said.
I now myself in the position where I am divorced with few friends, lots of debt and wondering how I turn it all around and get myself a social life - indeed a life of any description - from the ashes of my marriage.
For goodness sake, don't wait as long as I did. If he doesn't stop, it will only get worse and much as love him you need to love yourself a little too and decide that if he goes too far, you get the hell out of there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I wouldn't be with him if he didn't have a wonderful side to him; the person that I believe him to really be.
which is not WHO HE IS or who he SHOWS you he is, only who YOU think he could be.
who he is a lewd, crude, socially unacceptable jerk who will treat you any way HE sees fit, no matter how much it hurts you or bothers you.
the flashing in public is just plain.....creepy. sick.
quit blaming the alcohol. almost all of your threads ask the same question in a different way....is it the alcohol's fault?
which is not WHO HE IS or who he SHOWS you he is, only who YOU think he could be.
who he is a lewd, crude, socially unacceptable jerk who will treat you any way HE sees fit, no matter how much it hurts you or bothers you.
the flashing in public is just plain.....creepy. sick.
quit blaming the alcohol. almost all of your threads ask the same question in a different way....is it the alcohol's fault?
I would run if I were you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by carmen220
Thanks everyone. Some of you are saying that other alcoholics may not behave this way, but what I am trying to figure out is the possible effects on the brain after long term drinking (like 20 years); I don't know if it makes a difference, but the alcohol of choice has been beer and wine all this time. My concern is whether the behaviors are signs of damage to the brain, over time. So, I wondered if you guys see this stuff too.
He has many wonderful qualities, but I am only mentioning the ones that upset me, because he is dealing with an addiction and it helps to get feedback and understand.
He has many wonderful qualities, but I am only mentioning the ones that upset me, because he is dealing with an addiction and it helps to get feedback and understand.
You're hanging your future with this guy on him eventually sobering up and being the "great guy you know he can be." What if this is it? My dad quit drinking, and he is still a jerk. Sobriety is not a magic wand that turns frogs into princes.
My ex suffered three severe brain injuries in Iraq. Since returning home he has progressed from regular periodic binge drinking to daily blackouts (and no, the type of alcohol does not matter- beer, wine, liquor all affect the same areas of the brain in the same way). It is hard to tell how much of his brain damage is the TBI and how much of it is alcohol.
He NEVER ONCE exposed himself in public. Other dumb crap, yes, but not that.
I also don't understand it when you say your bf is "dealing with" his addiction? He has not attempted any type of recovery nor expressed any genuine interest in sobriety. He is an active alcoholic. Period. I understand that it is a disease, but addiction is a disease that leaves the sufferer a choice. How much compassion would you feel for a leukemia patient who chugged a case of ice cold "cancer juice" every day?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I have to agree with honeypig. Does it really matter why?
With AXH, I came to the conclusion that whether he was an alcoholic or had a brain tumor or was mentally ill didn't matter. The way he behaved towards me and the children was unacceptable, and he had no interest in changing his behavior.
That's all I needed to know.
With AXH, I came to the conclusion that whether he was an alcoholic or had a brain tumor or was mentally ill didn't matter. The way he behaved towards me and the children was unacceptable, and he had no interest in changing his behavior.
That's all I needed to know.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I think that you are looking for alcohol to take the fall here...but I think it is a combo of several things.....
bottom line , you told him his lewd actions bother you and he still does it and blames you for being "over sensitive"...what a *wonderful* quality.
I think you would benefit from some professional FTF support so you can get a clear picture of his abuse, because that is what it looks like from this side of the fence.
bottom line , you told him his lewd actions bother you and he still does it and blames you for being "over sensitive"...what a *wonderful* quality.
I think you would benefit from some professional FTF support so you can get a clear picture of his abuse, because that is what it looks like from this side of the fence.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I think we have to stop asking why or trying to figure out the a's and their brains. I have to just keep focusing on the actions. Separated AH is awful and abusive and Although he wasnt always that way, he is now. I have to live in the now for self preservation!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Why do you care why he's treating you this way?
You know he does things that embarrass and humiliate you. Why stay with someone who humiliates you? You're not married, up have no kids together. What are you getting out if this relationship?
You know he does things that embarrass and humiliate you. Why stay with someone who humiliates you? You're not married, up have no kids together. What are you getting out if this relationship?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Carmen, your ABF sounds like my XAH: twenty year hard drinker, became a sex addict, treated me worse and worse, and blamed everyone else and especially me.
I am sorry that he is treating you so badly. You don't deserve it.
What I had to figure out was that, even though I spent months researching and understanding how alcohol damages the brain (see below), I couldn't do a thing to curb his drinking or his progressively worse behavior. Instead, I used the research to change my own behavior: I rarely drink; I keep boundaries with drinkers; I see their high-drama blamer quacks for what they are; I divorced XAH.
This picture is a short course on the alcoholic brain: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gZijMZCWPW...ohol-brain.jpg
Also, many articles such as this one (NIAAA Publications) indicate alcoholics' brains have less gray matter (especially as they get older) and have shrinkage particularly in the frontal lobes, some of the areas of the brain that control moral reasoning. So yes, there is a link between alcoholism, brain damage, and moral decline.
In XAH's case, the moral decline involved ogling and inappropriate comments about young girls, porn, strippers, prostitutes. Co-addictions like sex addiction (or smoking or other drugs) and personality disorders apparently can be somewhat common.
It's kind of chicken and egg, though: Which came first, the asshat or the alkie? What really matters is your boundaries. Are they respected? When you enforce them, are you blamed? Are you being treated with the respect you deserve?
I had chest pains too, caused by stress. Today, I'm away from all of that insanity and daily stress. Instead, my heart has joy.
I am sorry that he is treating you so badly. You don't deserve it.
What I had to figure out was that, even though I spent months researching and understanding how alcohol damages the brain (see below), I couldn't do a thing to curb his drinking or his progressively worse behavior. Instead, I used the research to change my own behavior: I rarely drink; I keep boundaries with drinkers; I see their high-drama blamer quacks for what they are; I divorced XAH.
This picture is a short course on the alcoholic brain: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gZijMZCWPW...ohol-brain.jpg
Also, many articles such as this one (NIAAA Publications) indicate alcoholics' brains have less gray matter (especially as they get older) and have shrinkage particularly in the frontal lobes, some of the areas of the brain that control moral reasoning. So yes, there is a link between alcoholism, brain damage, and moral decline.
In XAH's case, the moral decline involved ogling and inappropriate comments about young girls, porn, strippers, prostitutes. Co-addictions like sex addiction (or smoking or other drugs) and personality disorders apparently can be somewhat common.
It's kind of chicken and egg, though: Which came first, the asshat or the alkie? What really matters is your boundaries. Are they respected? When you enforce them, are you blamed? Are you being treated with the respect you deserve?
I had chest pains too, caused by stress. Today, I'm away from all of that insanity and daily stress. Instead, my heart has joy.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I've mentioned once before that I have forgotten what "normal" is since I've been with my ABF. Again, I wouldn't be with him if he didn't have a wonderful side to him; the person that I believe him to really be.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Carmen, I had a really long post typed out, with the story of the relationship between AXH and I (the early stage of which sounds so much like what your shared in your OP), but I think the point of my ramble was this:
Part of the reason we fall in love with someone is how they act, how they behave. How someone acts, how someone behaves, how someone treats us, matters.
That someone would continue to treat us in such a manner, after we’ve told them we find their behavior hurtful or disrespectful, matters even more. And the reasons behind it really don't hold much weight.
Originally Posted by carmen220
He thinks that as long as I care about him, his behaviors shouldn't matter.
That someone would continue to treat us in such a manner, after we’ve told them we find their behavior hurtful or disrespectful, matters even more. And the reasons behind it really don't hold much weight.
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