FedUpinMD

I'm struggling with what I'm feeling now bit I've decided to leave my marriage of almost 10 years to a man who has been an alcoholic this entire time. I only realized it was alcoholism this past November when he was diagnosed by our marriage counselor after some binging episodes. He's been in aa since November 2013 and is doing well but the lack of intimacy and the lack of any sort of connection to me has torn me apart. I told him I wanted a divorce today and he calmly said ok. No fight. No real emotion. Clearly he isn't interested in working on us. I'm glad he is sober but I'm sorry my marriage has failed.

mejo

Hmm. Early recovery is really hard on them and you. He is learning who he is and you are learning who he really is as well. Sometimes it takes a long while to get the marriage back in full swing. Recovery must be his priority right now. The marriage hopefully will fall into place after that. When my H is in active recovery, I used to worry he would not love me anymore. He had the same fears that I would not love him anymore either.

I don't think it is a matter of him not caring, but him not wanting to react in ways he probably used to, like drinking. Sorry you had to make this tough decision. My heart goes out to you.

schnappi99

Lack of physical and emotional intimacy is a big part of the disease... being a participant you might be playing a part in it as well- it might be worth going to AlAnon meetings for a while. People there will certainly understand whats happening on your side of the fence. They do suggest that its a good idea to defer relationship changes (starting or ending) for at least 6 months or so while partners are in their respective recoveries.

At present my wife and I are both as emotionally sensitive as scalded cats, we've been "in" since Feb 2014 and we're finally starting to address some of the emotional distance. For my part I'm a big raging codependent and have been since a teen, which has played its part in our situation. Even as late as May this year she was looking at apartment rental rates and I was considering divorce tactics and of course we hadn't mentioned that to one another either lol.... I think we're moving in a good direction now- a ways to go but things have improved.

One of the things they don't tell you right off in the 12-Step is that one of the things you'll be learning along the way is patience- with yourself and thus with the situation.

GracieLou

This might not be the case.

There is a lot of guilt and self loathing that goes on when you get sober. If you told him you wanted a divorce he may feel he deserves it and he may feel he has nothing to offer you so why ask you to stay.

I think the best course of action here is a sit down heart to heart talk.

You may find he wants to continue the marriage but that at this time he has to put all he has into recovery and that patience is in order, on both sides of the coin.

He may say he agrees and there is nothing left to try and save.

You don't know unless you ask. Try not to let yourself make a major choice based on what you assume he feels or does not feel. If it does not come from the horses mouth, it is not fact. Just because you think it, doesn't make it true.

Talk it out first. At least you will have all the information before you make a decision and even then, nothing has to be decided today. Take a minute for yourself and your marriage. Waiting a day, a week or even a month is okay. You are allowed to take the time.

Aeryn

I am in a very similar situation, I've been separated from my XRAH 2 years and he's been recovering since late November 2013 (I'm talking we've been legally separated and living separately to be clear - but we've remained friends and in touch). He's doing fine but I'v'e moved on and he now wants me back but lacks the ability to communicate that clearly (he give subtle hints). There is no intimacy and I no longer feel a connection other than friendship. I date other people...BUT I let the separated status drag on because I feel guilty because people keep telling me what you've been told in this thread - early recovery is tough, wait and see etc. Well I don't want to wait it out anymore. I've been in limbo for 2 years why do I have to all of the sudden "give it a year" because he's chosen to recovery now...my year is up...so I believe I can look at it from my perspective for once and not his (that's the way it was when he was drinking).

Yes early recovery is tough is tough but I do not believe I am obligated to stay with someone, give them a chance or giving them "time" just because they have now chosen to recover. I'm tired of waiting and being in limbo, I like the new people I've been dating (even though I'd prefer a marriage I don't want mine back). My new life is riskier, I may never meet someone worthy of a marriage with me and I have up and down days (and that's normal - the up days are really good BTW) but at least I feel something and my life is no longer tied to how my XRAH is doing! I'm glad he's recovering and I'll always love him in a friendship way but the connection and the intimacy I don't believe are something that can return.

schnappi99

There is no "have to"... the 12-Steps are suggested programs of recovery not a mandate. I would say if someone comes up and starts with the obligations and the "have to's" and "you must's" then they are doing it wrong.

If you're done w/ the marriage, you're done... yet the point is you might be carrying baggage forward into another relationship, or at least it would be helpful to have an improved idea of what kind and how much...

lillamy

That's exactly how I felt when AXH went into rehab after I left him. I was DONE. And all of a sudden, God and everybody and their aunt was telling me I should be happy that he had finally chosen recovery and that it was my duty to be there and support him.

Yes, early recovery is difficult. But you didn't choose the timeline. If he had chosen recovery 15 years earlier, it might have been a different story.

FedUpinMD

He told me today that he wants to stay because of our daughter. He is afraid that if he leaves he will lose her. To my comment that I wish he wanted to
stay because of me he responded that he would be willing to try but I was the one saying there was no use in trying and that he's sorry he can't be the man I want him to be. No interest in repairing this. I feel like he has decided he will do no more than he is doing now and tough **** if that's not enough.

I'm done. I can't do this alone.

NWGRITS

There's also nothing that says that they sober up and become that perfect person you created in your head; that person you wanted for so long. In a way you were duped in the beginning. He probably played off normal well until you were settled in and playing Good Codie. I'm not being Debbie Downer here, just saying that getting sober doesn't magically turn them into the perfect spouse. If you had met him before the drinking, you may not have even liked him. And it sucks. It sucks horribly to come to terms with reality. It's no picnic on his end, either. Coping with real life is horrible. It's uncomfortable without alcohol to numb everything about reality: pain, guilt, fear, expectations. If you're done, you're done. But if you think you could maybe do a trial separation while he continues to learn how to function sober... is that a possibility at all? If it's not, then hey, it's what's best for you. And that's what matters most.

GracieLou

I agree that you need to do what is best for you and your child. That should come first, always.

Alcoholism takes us to places we never thought we would go and losing our families is a sad outcome of that.

Take care of you and your daughter. Get some help for both of you and move on if that is what is needed. Some of us get to that point when enough it enough and you do not need to defend when you are at your bottom.

dancingnow

Wow, how familiar that sounds to me. Early recovery for my RAH was also him focusing on his relationship with our kids and nothing about the mess our relationship was in.

I'm going to generalize and say I think that is all that a recovering A is capable of. I always felt my RAH was relying on me to keep our family together as he also feared losing the kids if we divorced. We were separated for a time and that gave me a chance to see how enmeshed we were and made me able to step away from a lot that just wasn't my responsibility, including RAH relationship with the kids.

I am still with my RAH and we are slowly working on our relationship, after two years of non-active drinking. It's a slow, slow, very slow process and a lot of it is me realizing I don't even know who my RAH is and also seeing that he doesn't even know who I am because he was in an alcoholic fog for most of our marriage.

I am still here and sometimes I think it is just the institution of marriage that holds me here and sometimes it's hope that we will somehow find whatever connection we once had.

It takes a very long time for RA to take responsibility for their relationships and often they are just not capable without help.

Best to you. Keep focusing on your needs and your daughter's.

yensid

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I had no idea my H was an A and pill addict when we met and I didn't find out until 2 months after we were married. He finally got sober after I kicked him out but then started drinking again a few wks ago.
He is not going to meetings and I am too. I feel like I don't know him. He was the most wonderful man and husband but now I am completely detached from him and have no desire to work on things right now.
We have no kids together and I have 2 boys from my 1st marriage that I need to put first.
I can't ever trust him. That's not good for a marriage.

Get to al-anon and keep posting here.

schnappi99

Early on RAW's stated reason for recovery was so she wouldn't lose her (our) daughter.. quite painful to hear and I tended to trigger my own codie behavior off that.. ego, the pity party etc.. I didn't know my wife either... the frequent anger, derision, thoughtlessness etc the descent into that was terrible. I made it worse by contributing my own codepdendency.

I am starting to recognize her again though... which is nice. If they're not in committed long-term recovery its not going to get better. If find the level of effort to run my own recovery is considerable... a number of my usual interests are pushed a ways down the list. Perhaps once the 4th step heavy lifting is past the intensive recovery focus may ease but not for a while yet...

biminiblue

When you're done, you're done.

Some betrayal and selfishness is tolerable and some just isn't. Only you know when that line is crossed.

In hindsight, I sometimes wonder if things could have been different between myself and my ex husband. In reality I know I said all that needed to be said and he just couldn't or didn't want to hear it. I spoke my truth and then honored it.

Once it's over, it's really over. That doesn't mean that the questions in your mind will ever be satisfactorily resolved. It's just the nature of divorce.

Blossom717

This ^^^^

NYCDoglvr

I'm sorry you're going through this. Emotional distance and lack of intimacy is not something easily overcome. For me it was the end of the relationship. Marriage and long term relationships are a process and sometimes too many hurts pile up to recover the closeness and joy we originally felt. As a recovering alcoholic (23 years) I know that change can and does happen, but it takes many years of hard work. And putting down the bottle simply means we're not drinking. Emotional sobriety can take decades.

Aeryn

Sorry to bump an old thread but I don't check in very often here anymore - thank you so much for this post!

I'm in this very weird situation where XRAH is very nice to me now and our friendship is back but no romance and none in sight and I get really frustrated when people try to tell me to "give it a year" - it's been TWO - or to give it a chance...WHEN is it time for MY CHANCE??? I'm glad I'm dating and have this new life otherwise this would be 100 times worse. It's almost harder that we get along as friends because when I do do this divorce I'm literally going to have to hurt him because his emotions are back and he now realizes he didn't want to lose me...too late unfortunately. NOTE to others: the A quitting drinking does NOT repair the relationship and sometimes the intimacy is just too far gone, my belief is once it's lost it's lost.

Rosalba

When you stated you wanted a divorce, was it a statement of the way you felt, and now you wanted to carry it through - or was it a remark which you hoped would provoke a reaction in him, a kind of test, and hoping that he would refuse? I have to say that if a partner of mine said he wanted to end the relationship, I wouldn't be pleading, or grovelling either. Either it would be a game - which I wouldn't want to buy into - or it would be a statement of fact - and there's no point in arguing with it. In fact when I've ended relationships, if the other person refused to accept it, I've found it's driven me away still further.

I'd be wary of interpreting his 'OK' as a sign of not wanting to work on your marriage. He will have enough on his plate right now with the early stages of recovery. Within my experience, though, there's not much genuine intimacy or sense of connection with someone who's actively drinking, either - though I could tell myself something different at the time. When one person in a couple makes a change like going into counselling, or joining a 12-Step program, it automatically changes the dynamics of the relationship and can feel very threatening to the other person. If the relationship survives, it will be stronger - but many do not.

I can only say that my experience of CoDA and Alanon has changed my attitude towards relationships; my perspective on whether to stay in or leave a relationship has changed. Or, to put it another way, HE is not the problem, and leaving him is not the solution. Necessarily.

I'd highly recommend Alanon meetings, not least because they greatly reduce the feelings of craziness and frustration which arise when living with someone whose drinking is out of control - and you will be among people who REALLY understand you.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do!