frannie

I need help quickly. I am the one with the A daughter who has been trying to detach. A new complication has arisen that I really have no clue how to handle. She was in rehab 2 summers ago for alcohol and prescription pill addiction. She has the DUI and has a new boyfriend who loves her and is determined that she will not drink and drive. Last night she was with him and called to tell me to come and get her...they were arguing...in the process of the arguement (I could tell she was drunk) her boyfriend said that she had taken 2 Xanax...this was deadly news because her father had just had a new prescription bottle stolen from him yesterday...at home there is no one to steal anything but her...there are only the 3 of us. She came totally unglued when he let slip that piece of info...because we had asked, begged, threathened and she had look me straight in the eye and lied about not taking the pills...she was changed and did not need pills anymore...blah, blah, blah. I even gave her a chance to replace them without having to admit she had stolen them...no way. If she took 2 last night along with alcohol that explains the condition she was in and also proves she stole the Xanax...that is why she started crying and went into real hysteria when it was mentioned. Her boyfriend was totally in the dark about the total facts of the situation...she just kept saying she was not going back to rehab. We finally got her settled down....he boyfriend told me he had given her the 2 pills...I know that is a lie...I doubt he has ever taken more than an aspirin in his life. But to get her settled down at 2:00 in the morning...I told her that she did not have to go back to rehab (she is 23 and I have no control over that anyway) I also told her to forget being upset about the Xanax... that everything would be okay and we would forget that. Question...is it my business that she is drugging and drinking again...do I get involved..how much and to what extent...do I just tell her I know she is using again. She will drive this man away and then be devastated...but he loves her and she doesn't know how to handle that now...and I hate to admit it but he doesn't deserve to have to put up with her problems...she is a mess. Such a convincing liar...had me partially convinced she had not stolen the pills although she is the only suspect at all possible. I know this is not my problem...what do i tell her...she will not hit rock bottom because she lives here and we haven't been able to summon the will to kick her out. Please tell me what to do...I know it should not take the responisibility for what she is doing but I do I just ignore it...what do I do about the boyfriend who is an innocent bystander and victim in the whole mess...give me some help please...I don't know what to do...how to handle this properly...and she is not yet home so the only place I knew to turn to was this web site...you have been so helpful before. She should be home soon but hopefully I can avoid doing or saying anything until I hear from someone on this board.

KelKel

Hi Frannie...
Sorry to hear about your daughter.
Maybe you and her boyfriend should go to some Al-anon / Nar-anon meetings together.
Will your daughet go to AA meetings?
Have you checked out the Al-anon forums here.
Tough love is hard as heck, but sometimes it is necessary for a person to hit a new bottom before they can deal with their addiction.
I will keep you in my prayers.....

Gabe

Frannie,
It's really better to be honest about this stuff. Not talking about it isn't going to help. No, you can't force her to go to rehab. But think long and hard about allowing her to continue living with you while she's still using. She is never going to get responsible for her actions as long as she's got a safe place to land.
As far as what she's telling you goes, you know the drill Frannie. They aren't capable of being honest when they're using. Don't expect from her what she can't give you.
I'm sorry that you are so upset about all this.
Don't forget how much this is affecting your life and your serenity.
That is just as important as what your daughter is going through.
Big hugs,
Gabe

gupton4

Hugs to you Frannie. I have a 24 year old A son who has his third DUI pending. I know how you feel and I have no real answers other than the ones I have read on this web site. I read a quote yesterday by Mark Twain -something like this - "A man who carries a cat by its tail learns a lession that can be learned no other way." To me that tells me they just have to suffer the consiquences of their actions. My son is also an only child and the light of my life. In every way he is wonderful until he is drinking and/or drugging. He spent two years in prison but still has not been willing to give up the drinking and driving. I am so afraid of what will happen to him next but I know it is out of my hands. Like you, I am trying so hard to detach but that is such a hard action to take. Keep the post coming - I relate to every one of them. Glenda

frannie

Glenda, Your situation sounds heartbreakingly like mine. My daughter has yet to serve jail time but I am sure that that may be in the future sometime. I have sayings and quotes taped and hung all around my computer corner at home (where I am now) and I try to read them for inspiration and comfort but sometimes they do not work. I did better handling it this time when she got home, however. Does your son live with you? I basically told her it was her life that she had to deal with and straighten out..not mine. I handed her some numbers to call to inquire about the military and that really upset her...she asked if we really wanted her out of the house that badly and i said "yes" especially if she kept continually hurting me. Everytime she drinks too much I get all upset and sometimes I cry...she too is an only child...she has done so much this summer that I don't know how much more I can take. I have grieved and cried and cried and greived and try to deal with it all in a better way...trying to detach...I am just having a hard time getting there and getting any relief from misery. I have tried to "get a life" of my own with outside activities. But this is summer vacation,I am a school teacher, and I have lots of spare time on my hands...when school starts I will not have the luxury of devoting so much time to worrying...my class always takes my mind off things during the day...and I have to get to bed at a decent time so these early morning confrontations will be impossible. She needs help but does not see it or admit it. Swears she is not taking drugs...when I know that she is...prescription meds. Unless she admits she has a problem, I can only suffer in silence or in loud hopeless ways. I have always heard the saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle....but I honestly doubt that. I have more than I can handle, and I am trying to take one day at a time...but barely hanging on by a thread this week. She and therefore I (because I am a codependant) have good weeks and bad weeks, good days and bad days. I need to escape from this big dark cloud on my life that she has become....but how does one escape one's own child. I don't have any answers...only questions loaded with tears.

splendra

Frannie-

I really feel for and understand where you are at. You have to stop running to her rescue honey. Give her the space to really fall on her butt if her boyfriend calls you in the middle of the night just go back to bed. Her illness is playing you like a fiddle. Can't you see that? Learn to separate her from her illness and stop running to the rescue when her illness calls and give her the chance to come out and take charge of her life. Believe me everytime you run to the rescue you are tell her she is not capible of handling her life herself. Don't you think that a bit insulting? Keep this phrase in your head: "rescue=insult" and know that everytime you put yourself in the middle of her business this is what you are doing!!!

Daffodil

Frannie and Glenda,

Please know that neither of you are alone with only children who have drinking/drug problems.

I had to come to realize that a child, any child, will sooner or later grow up and will have to become self-supporting, responsible adults. I may still think of them being incapable of doing that but if I "Let Go & Let God", they will reach that stage of growing up sooner than I think possible. Left to my own thinking, I will love an adult child to an early grave. Alcoholism is progressive. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and insidious. But it is not my disease, I do suffer from the effects of alcoholism, but it is NOT mine to control or cure.
I know ladies that you are hoping for the right words, right key to fixing your children. I did that for far too many years, I read so many self-help books to fix them and those, that I lost valuable time on my own recovery and valuable time of my own life that I will never re-gain.

Know we here at SR support you in any decision you may make concerning your children, but I had to share part of my ES&H.

There are 12 step programs out there that should help you both with the heart ache of having a child grow up and becoming an alcoholic. I hope you both give yourselves the gift of becoming a part of them.

Being here on SR is only part of my recovery program. Today I put a very high price on my serenity. I will go to great lengths to not only maintain that serenity but to truly become a serene, kind, loving, parent. One that has the courage to accept my child exactly as he is today, with the hope that he will make healthy choices for himself in the future. Always striving to find the balance between acceptable behavior and
unacceptable behavior.

My prayers are with both of you.

Ann

Frannie

Ditto to what Daffodil said, and the other wise ladies here.

With love in my heart, I just have to tell you that telling her it will be okay and coddling her, will only make it that much easier for her to continue.

She stole the pills, we both KNOW that, and she IS using/drinking and the combination could be fatal (forgive me for being brutally honest).

Continuing the way you are will mean that nothing changes for either one of you, and you will go crazy and she will get sicker.

So please give some thought to alternative actions. Here are a few suggestions... Make a list of boundaries for yourself and rules for her if she is to continue living in your house and be prepared to stand by them. Remove all privileges, discontinue any financial help, and insist that she stay clean and seek help if she is to stay. Should she choose to leave, then all bets are off and she is on her own to find her own way...and then let her leave if she chooses.

Frannie, I have been through all this with my son, for 10 years, and I can tell you that it just gets worse until we finally say "enough".

Only she can decide whether she will continue using or make a serious attempt to stop and show she is serious by her actions.

You too have much the same choice. You can continue as you are now and expect things to stay the same or get worse, or you can make a serious attempt to put the brakes on and change your actions.

My heart goes out to you, because I know how horrible and awful this all is and how sick it makes you feel. Stop the cycle, Frannie and don't go down with her.

Huge hugs and many prayers for all of you.
Ann

gupton4

Frannie - for the last several months my son is living with his girlfriend and her two children. They have had a few "fights" and he moves home. So far she has come running in a day or two and they make up. She is a recovering meth addict but now she has started drinking with him and that leads to a disaster when they both get drunk. When he got the last DUI, I took his truck away from him and sold it and used the money to get him a lawyer thinking that surely this was the last time. It has been less than a month ago and now he is drinking and driving her truck. Guess we just are not done yet. I don't envy you having to go back to school soon as it is so hard to work when you have been up all night with them and worried sick. I retired from our local junior college two years ago (took early retirement) because I just could not deal with the problems at home and face my co-workers knowing that they had read at least part of our problems in the paper. Small town you know. I still have not learned to turn my back when he gets in real trouble. I think when the truck money runs out that I will not come to the rescue any more. That truck was my gift to starting his life anew and getting a fresh start. I have learned a lot since then but don't know if I can put it to good use yet. I hope so. I wish you luck and hope that you have more firm ways of dealing with our problems than I have had so far. Glenda

frannie

Thanks for all the honest and sincere words of encouragement, prayers, and timely advice...I know that what you all say is the truth. I know that on an intellectual basis...my motherly instincts take over on some deeper level and then i do stupid things. I am getting better, i think...at least on some days. I know that i have a very long road to travel because she has yet to even get near the bottom...and I think she will have to hit bottom to believe that she has a problem and needs help. Until then, I suppose I should keep my mouth out of her business. I am so weary of worrying and crying over someone who really doesn't care that i am finding it easier to step back and let her do her own thing. I hope she finds some direction soon, but i will just have to endure until then...no, I don't have to endure anything...I have a career that I absolutely love. It is just so painful to watch a loved one go down a path that leads to pain and sorrow. As one of my many inspirational quotes says...all I have to do is keep my hands off and my heart on...sounds to easy and is to seemingly impossible at times. It has really helped to her form some of you who have been through the same thing. It gives me some idea of what a long path i have to watch her travel...just please pray that I stay off that path with her...let me have at least that much detachement. Thanks again, you are all wonderful people and it is not surprisingthat this board was the first thing I thought of when I was in distress. As usual...you did not let me down.

Nightowl

I would go back and re-read Splendra's post. I thought it was extremely helpful. Sometimes we over-do the loving part. Be strong, let her fall on her own....that would be the best gift you can give her. She'll come out of it okay. She'll come out of it a much stronger, wiser young woman. Huge hugs to you though. I know it is hard. But you have to be strong and detach for HER as well as you.

myles1

Hi,

I guess that for me if it was my son I'd have to tell him he couldn't live at home while he was active. It would just conitnue his process. If he stole pills there would be nothing I could do about it. And if he was fortunate enough to have a girlfriend like your daughters boyfriend there would be nothing I could do about her either other than suggest Alanon. I would definitely be getting myself to Alanon for myself. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do for them other than take care of ourselves and be a power of example.

Ngaire