Butterfly

So I finally met with a solicitor today to discuss divorce!! If I file for divorce under the grounds of unreasonable behaviour I could start proceedings now but if I file under irretrievable differences we would have to be separated for 2 years before I could file. If I file under the first category then it could get messy and difficult as I would have to provide reasons for his unreasonable behaviours and I'm not sure I'm up to the fight just yet. My solicitor advised me to think about it.

I told exAH that I had been to see a solicitor and I wanted a divorce. He said to me so if I don't come home you want a divorce? I reminded him he walked out on me and has made it very clear what he wants with his life and why would I stay married if he didn't want to be with me? He said il have to think about that!! I asked him what did he need to think about he said why we would stay married if I won't come home!! I laughed and told him I wasn't asking him a question it was a statement and that I wasn't going to stay married to someone who wasn't prepared to seek help for his addiction, live away from home and do whatever he wanted someone who wasn't in love with me or want to be with me!! He also told me that this wasn't about love!!

Did he honestly think that I would stay married to him for the rest of our lives while he lived the single life, no responsibilities and continuing to drink what while I waited at home for him to grow up pinning away for him?? Did he not think that I would get stronger every day and learn to live a life without him and start to feel dare I say it happy at a times????

HopefulinFLA

It truly is a disease of denial, isn't it.

Butterfly

I am really starting to see that. I always thought the denial part was in relation to their addiction but I am now starting to see it's denial of everything around them going wrong!!

Grumble

Hey Butterfly, I hope it has helped to share your story on here. I got to the point that you did - I had enough of my ex wife who went from being a long term functioning alcoholic to one who simply was not functioning. It was the descent into chaos that I am sure you have read on here - lost friends, lost job, drink driving, money problems and ultimately she was unfaithful.

I'm in the UK and like you I instructed a solicitor last year. He advised me to go down the unreasonable behaviour route as well rather than adultery. Adultery can just be denied, unreasonable behaviour is harder to contest if you have a decent solicitor - the key is to keep your petition simple.

When it came to actually submitting the petition, I bottled it initially and ultimately took her back. This was on the basis of a raft of promises about how she would get help and it would all be better. It was for about two days and then I had another six months of misery, desperation, frustration and ultimately ill health.

We split up again - well actually I threw her out - early this year and went ahead with a petition for unreasonable behaviour. It wasn't contested, and whilst we still have to sort the papers out for the finances, my decree absolute is due any day now.

Only a very very foolish person would contest a divorce petition. No solicitor in the land will advise your husband to contest a divorce, but ultimately the court not going to deny you a decree nisi if you no longer want to be with your husband. All contesting it will do will cost you both a huge amount of money.

My petition was simple - it said my spouse had an affair, was an alcoholic, had told numerous lies to an extent that I could no longer trust her and had contributed little financially or practically to the marriage in recent years.

Only you know if the ship truly is sinking. But if you do get that sinking feeling, it is time to abandon ship. You can only do so much bailing before you go down with the boat. Well done for taking the first step on getting off the crazy train.

SeriousKarma

[QUOTE=Butterfly;4797572Did he honestly think that I would stay married to him for the rest of our lives while he lived the single life, no responsibilities and continuing to drink what while I waited at home for him to grow up pinning away for him?? Did he not think that I would get stronger every day and learn to live a life without him and start to feel dare I say it happy at a times????[/QUOTE]

I think a big component of the disease of alcoholism is stagnation. On some level your husband must be shocked that you're doing what he is incapable of. Moving forward. Good for you. It's awesome reading your posts. Yep. Butterfly was the perfect name-change.

dandylion

Butterfly.....I think it was very prudent of you to go ahead and find out what the legal realities are.
In addition, good for you in spelling out some realities of the situation to your husband.

to answer your somewhat rhetorical question (LOL)....I actually don't think that he has visualized you as taking any kind of decisive actions....Really, I doubt that he has any mental frame of reference of you other than the role that you have played with him in the past.
I think that his chickens are coming home to roost,,,much to his surprise....and he finds himself with his back against the wall.....and, not seeing sobriety as a viable option (in his alcohol saturated mind).

dandylion

CodeJob

Butterfly

Thank you everyone I feel strong and determined today and very proud of myself for telling him a few home truths!!

Grumble I haven't decided yet which route I will go down but at least I know my options. You were very fortunate that your petition wasn't contested. In my experience of divorce it has always been a battle with allegations and counter allegations and then people becoming nasty. I would be concerned that if I went with unreasonable behaviour he might become nasty, he does have the tendency!! So I have a lot of thinking!

The one thing I forgot to ask was cost I have no idea it didn't even cross my mind until I had left lol.

Dandylion that does worry me how will he respond now as you say his back is against the wall and he won't choose sobriety what will happen to him now. He's already spiralling will he spiral faster now and lose complete control??

Codejob thank you I love the you rock smilie

Seriouskarma thank you yes he is standing still drinking heavier while his kids and I are slowly rebuilding our lives after the devastation he has caused. This is the life that he wanted and he is still miserable!!

Hawkeye13

Butterfly;

You are officially excused from Beach Laps for at least one full week after your amazing actions today.

My jaw dropped when I read this.

You are truly morphing at lightning speed into the deserving, self-loving, confident woman we have only been seeing glimpses of until now.

I think this deserves a manicure and flowers, don't you?

Big Hugs

dandylion

Butterfly...to try to answer your question....I really don' know. Your guess would be as good as mine. Of course, every person is individual as to how they handle fear;anger;disappointment.....
some fight back...some just give up....some might even consider sobriety for the first time....
Alcoholics have a tendency to cope with any intense emotion with m ore drink...

I think you will just have to trust yourself that you will cross that bridge when you get to it....

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Hi Butterfly, like you I wonder how he thought you'd just continue on as usual, while he drank as much as he wanted. Maybe he thought you were still Confused?
It could be a turning point for him, if he starts to see the real consequences and logical progression of his chosen path. Who knows? He's unlikely to seek treatment without a strong incentive though.
I wonder when his mother will have had enough too?

Brindie

Hey Butterfly, welcome to 'trying to divorce' club. I'll share my tuppence of experience with you. I too am in attempting to divorce my RAH in the UK, under Scots law which may be different, so check out anything that follows if you're south. Apart from adultery - which wasn't the case - there are two ways to get a divorce within a year. By mutual agreement, or unreasonable behaviour, also a year as you say. I was advised it is much cheaper to settle by mutual agreement, so advised my RAH that I would prefer that route (via solicitor) - however, failure to agree would result in a petition on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. My advice was if you say you are going to pursue unreasonable behaviour, you'd better be prepared to follow through, and face the extra cost and upheaval. So far, my RAH is not showing any signs of co-operating fully with the disclosure of assets, so we are exchanging letters in the hope he gets this, or we'll file for unreasonable behaviour. Trying to hold off doing this, but it may well come to that, or the threat of that to get him to the table. I guess it all depends on how much of a settlement you think you are entitled to, and the price you are prepared to pay, financially and emotionally. And also how reasonable you think he may be. I wish you the very best. Mine is becoming a full-time poker game! As my solicitor says - you know him, you know more than anyone how he may respond/what might push his buttons, so the tactical stuff I talk over with her and she advises me well. Do not expect them to tell you what to do - it's your call how to proceed, and let them advise you of the pros/cons of what you decide.

Butterfly

Thanks brindle I appreciate your comment.

Hawkeye I couldn't agree more, nails being done on the 1st august and a night out with the girls planned for tomorrow night!!

As always dandylion you are right. I will cross that bridge when it happens!!

Feelinggreat I do think he thinks I am still confused which is why I go the whole this isn't about love and it's not fair to keep you dangling to which I told him I am not dangling!!

His mum is starting to get fed up with him, he does nothing to help her or his step father even when he was off work. He basically uses the house to eat, sleep, drinks in her house or out all weekend drinking coming back to recover and he does not give her any money!! I don't think she can manage him much longer. They are both retired and really don't need this at this time in their lives when he's drinking in the house his mum can't sleep she is up and down checking on him, worrying about his drinking, just like I did. She says little to him about his drinking she has said it will make no difference as if he wouldn't listen to me he won't listen to her. She told me last week I don't know how you put up with him for so long!! Il tell you why I did because i thought so little of myself, I didn't believe I deserved better and I thought so little of myself that I believed I couldn't live without him I couldn't cope he was all I had my life my future and If I could get him to love me enough put me first, give up drink we would be ok but I now know I deserve better that what he was prepared to offer me, I can cope on my own, I can live without him, I am worthy of great things and being treated well. I am growing stronger each day but it is sad that he has thrown away his wife and kids for drink and friends who do not care about him but only about themselves, they are unhappy and want everyone around them to feel the same!!

I think I am beginning to detach, I love him and care for him but I no longer worry what he is doing, if he's drink driving, if he's at his mums or out drinking every weekend!!

Thank you everyone for your support & encouragement I would not be in this mind frame if I hadn't received it. Big hugs

Grumble

Hey Butterfly. In terms of cost, my solicitor quoted me about £1200 as the petitioner - which includes the petitioning fee of £410. It is probably going to end up being more like £1500 because I have had to chase up my exAW on a few points and she has dragged her heels.

To divorce your spouse, you can rely on several grounds in the UK, principally infidelity, unreasonable behaviour, irreconcilable differences, desertion (your spouse has left you and you have been apart for longer than two years), a seperation of two years (if your spouse agrees) or a seperation of five years (your spouse does not need to agree in these circumstances).

Your divorce petition only needs to set out very simple broad grounds within the categories above - with any alcoholic you will almost certainly have more than enough to go down the unreasonable behaviour route.

If your spouse does not contest the divorce or does not reply, the judge will look at it and if you fit the criteria above, will issue a decree nisi. Six weeks and one day after the decree nisi has been issued, you can apply for a decree absolute to dissolve your marriage. Once the decree nisi is issued, there isn't much your spouse can do to prevent the absolute being issued.

I am at the stage now where I have applied for the decree absolute and it is due any day. I commenced divorce proceedings in January and it was uncontested.

I really wouldn't worry. No solicitor will advise your husband to contest the divorce. And even if he does, it is very unlikely that the judge will not rule in favour of issuing a decree nisi. But it would save both of you a lot of money if your husband does not contest it.

Butterfly

Thank you grumble. Don't know why I thought it was irretrievable differences lol. I guess my divorce will have to wait as I cannot afford £1500 and I am not entitled to legal aid. But at least I know my options and am detaching more each day as I become stronger. Knowing that I want a divorce and do not want a life with an alcoholic has helped me move into a different mind set, although feelin very sad but I suppose that's part of grieving too

FeelingGreat

Hi Butterfly, getting good information means a lot. If you're not ready or able to proceed, at least you know the score. I'll just say FYI that many lawyers won't require payment until there's a property settlement, but that's not to say it's to your advantage to start proceedings right now. While you're apart you're fulfilling part of the conditions for uncontested separation, and that might be useful for the future.

Grumble, having gone through divorce in Australia I was very interested in your clear explanation of UK laws. In A the only grounds are that you've been separated for a year, and the only court judgements are about property division and children.

Grumble

Hey Butterfly. Most solicitors will let you pay so much a month. I pay my solicitor between £200 and £300 per month. The only sticking point is that you would need to pay the petitioning fee (£400) in full before you could lodge the petition