FireSprite

I have been going over this in my mind for a couple of weeks now & I just seem to keep coming up with more questions instead of answers. I've read dozens & dozens of old posts about all of these topics since last week just searching through the archives.

For the most part I have Accepted where life is at for me/us right now. I understand the need for Forgiveness in order to release myself from the burden of Resentments. I have worked through a LOT and am finding that I find it way easier to get through this process for stuff that is done & over - those resentments have a definitive beginning & end; it happened/it's over/ not happening any longer. So when I am able to get through the stages of forgiving & accepting, it's pretty much over unless new info becomes revealed & then I can open the box back up & re-work the problem. But for many things, that box just stays shut because Acceptance allows me to leave the negative emotions behind.

Where I struggle is with stuff that I can't cram into those boxes because they aren't over even if there's no way to end it & it isn't actively getting worse. My biggest hurdle is money. RAH has made a lot of very damaging mistakes in the last few years & while I've done everything I can to protect myself since figuring this all out, separating finances, etc. (action). The reality is that I can't always leave it in the past because I'm re-triggering every month when I'm struggling with a budget shortage. RAH is not making these same poor decisions any longer & hasn't been for a long while now & is working as hard as possible to reverse this issue. We both have done & continue to do everything we can - giving up indulgences, shopping our insurance policies for premium savings (& examining policies to make sure I'm not over-insured), selling stuff we no longer need, taking side work.... you name it.

It does no good to continually "remind" him that this is his fault - he KNOWS this, I can tell it's one of his biggest regrets & I have no interest in rehashing it over & over.

But none of that makes me less Angry or Moody at times. I work through it, but I'm SO TIRED of spending time re-accepting this every couple of months because I'm at a low point emotionally & it just. won't. go. away. No matter what I do, this is going to take years to fully correct. I can't put it into a box, because it's still active & happening & needs management.

This all makes me think it's rooted more in Resentments, which circles me back to the same line of questioning: How do I let go of Active Resentments, which are so different (to me) than Past Resentments? Or am I just over thinking - does anyone else struggle like this?

hopeful4

I struggled about the financial aspect of my XAH's financial drain for years. I had the same issue, since I had to address it monthly, and juggle things around, it was just rehashed every month. I think it's important to give yourself permission to be angry about something. I had to realize that while it made me mad, I just had to do what I had to do and then move on. I did not let the anger of that rule my life. I recognized it for what it is and tried to move forward from it.

I wish I had a magic want to waive over all of our heads, wouldn't that be nice?!

Have a great day FS....your recovery shines through, you are a motivation to me and so many others!

FireSprite

Thanks Hopeful.... if you ever do find that magic wand, CALL ME!

You're right about the anger - sometimes it's just OK to be angry..... but that also has me thinking..... maybe I have more internal work to do with this - maybe I'm angrier with MYSELF than I have really worked through in recovery so far. Maybe I'm not getting past it because I keep looking at this from the point of Blame & not so much from the point of forgiving myself for not finding it & fixing it earlier. I've said it many times in this forum alone - not standing up for myself financially, sooner, is one of my biggest regrets.

Hmmmmm.... I'm going to have to pay attention the next time this triggers me to see how/when/why/where I start feeling icky about it to see if that helps me clue in to the deeper roots of it all. Or maybe I just need to soften the experience somehow - like only managing bills after meditating or doing yoga or some other personal recovery work that puts me into a better frame of mind before I sit down to deal with the realities.

davenport

I have no idea what it would be like to be constantly working and denying myself the pleasures I should be allowed from working because I'm sacrificing financially to save my family. It always sucks to work hard and not feel the benefit.
When I know I can't be spending money but I'm still working constantly, I like to buy myself something tiny, pointless, cheap, and pretty to make myself a little happy. One time I bought a clearance ring for two dollars at a grocery store. It's loud and ridiculous and people always comment on it, which makes me shy and happy. Little rewards mean a lot when you're working hard. Treating yourself is important even if the treat is small.
On my days off, when I should be running earrands, or cleaning everything, I sometimes go for a walk or ride my bicycle. Sometimes the best treats I give myself don't cost money but they take away from the time I have that I should be spending doing important adult stuff. I can't explain why, but whenever I slack off like that, it always feels like such a nice happy reward that I'm giving myself.
It's okay to be angry. Every single feeling you have is valid and real. Whenever something makes me angry, I take a moment to remove myself from the situation and examine why I'm mad. Usually I'm upset, frustrated, feeling taken advantage of or ignored. I hate those feelings but they're not always a reflection of how other people are actually treating me. They're a reflection of how I'm allowing myself to perceive the situation. So I let myself complain in my head to myself, or express it out loud to a good friend and then I let it go. And then I try to find a way to look at as many of the positive aspects of the situation that I can think of. I let myself be mad, then I try to change how I feel. I don't like to feel bad, I hate being upset. I know it's important to work though it and change what I can so I don't stay stuck inside my bad feelings.
I hope this makes sense and if it makes sense I also hope it helps. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and I think you're a saint for working so hard and doing everything you can to fix the financial situation for your family. You are amazing and if I haven't told you before how grateful I am for everything you post to this forum, please pretend I tell you every day because I mean it that often. Thank You.

FireSprite

Yes davenport, you make absolute sense! (& thank you for making my heart chakra hum with your very sweet words!)

It's exactly those little circumstances that you describe that drive me Nutso....... having to think about it when DD asks for a $5 pizza for dinner. Really? Trying to balance her upcoming dental bill with her back to school list & justify do I reallllllllly need that $15 reiki session or $10 yoga class this month. (when, in reality, YES I DO realllllly need it)

I'm not one for material things so I could not care any less about the big things I don't have - but those small things like you mention can be the whole world. I don't care about money AT ALL except in the way of not wanting the stress that comes with having too little. Most of the time I'm more than A-Ok just being grateful for what I already HAVE which is more than many others may ever see in this lifetime.

Hey - on the upside, I'm teaching DD some highly valuable lessons on budgeting & money management, right!? When we go grocery shopping I've been teaching her how to compare products for the greatest value & how to keep a running tally to know that you are staying within budget before reaching the registers.... never mind my mad coupon skills.

TonightTonight

FireSprite - I may botch this, but I've heard somewhere that resentments are wishing the past could change. Surely you do regret "mistakes" you've made in dealing with this before, but for me that kind of self-bullying is a spiral to nowhere. Though I'm in a different situation in regards to my anger and resentments, I'm also trying to find a way to resolve them. You've mentioned some specifics about your financial situation - I apologize if this is out of line, but a new al anon friend mentioned she is also in DA, Debtors Anonymous, which I had never heard of before. She said it really helped her and her RAH. From what she mentioned there is stuff about dealing with what you're talking about, emotions and finances. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Your suggestion that you could approach any financial managing after doing some personal recovery work sounds like a great idea. I know when I've done some reading, meditating or something that gets me in touch with that realm I feel so much more at ease. Hope things get easier for you...

readerbaby71

I think that being aware of when it triggers you will help you figure out how to let go of the resentment. Doing icky stuff like bills is always better when you're in a good frame of mind. If I'm in a bad mood or sad, doing that kind of sh!t just makes me depressed. I can't read sad books or watch depressing movies when I'm feeling down. It's kind of the same premise. If you know dealing with the bills is going to make you feel upset or angry, only do it when you're in a calm, positive state of mind. I'm not saying it will be pleasant, but your reaction to it might be better.

Hang in there! You'll work it out. You are more self-aware than most people I know. xoxoxo

FireSprite

That's a great idea Tonight - I have never heard of DA but I will definitely check into it, thank you!!!!

FireSprite

See.... I'm so glad I come here to talk about all of this. I cycle through this a lot but it was really obvious this weekend & now that I'm thinking about it we watched a lot off really super-depressing stuff which probably played into my mood & made it all seem so much more overwhelming. (so much for all that self care, ha! lol)

There's also a strange juxtaposition for me with this issue specifically - I work for a financial planner so while I see a lot of clients that work hard to develop & stick to long-term financial plans after a lifetime of careful planning, I also see a lot of trust-fund-baby types that have NO CLUE how to even spell budget because they were born into more than they will ever manage to spend no matter how irresponsibly they live. It's a weird thing to balance..... hearing someone complain about such #firstworldproblems while in my mind I'm wondering if I'm going to bounce the electric bill before my paycheck clears.

And just to make sure I'm being clear to everyone, I'm using this example of finances because it's my most frequent, personal struggle.... but I know it's not the ONLY way that I struggle with Active vs. Past Resentments.... just the most obvious one on the top of my mind today.

hopeful4

One of the things I was thinking about FS while reading all of this is that your daughter will be so much better for it. I am struggling with this a bit right now as my kids seem to not have the value of a dollar...at all. Your DD will have watched you do all the right things to pay your obligations before frivolous things, which is a huge win for her in the long run. It's no magic wand, but definitely something to think about.

XXX

NYCDoglvr

For me it helped to ask myself: "do I trust and respect this person". For me the answer is no and when I realized that I left. Without trust and respect I can't have a relationship with anyone.

wellnowwhat

"Hey - on the upside, I'm teaching DD some highly valuable lessons on budgeting & money management, right!? When we go grocery shopping I've been teaching her how to compare products for the greatest value & how to keep a running tally to know that you are staying within budget before reaching the registers.... never mind my mad coupon skills."

While I hated it at the time, my now adult children are so glad that they learned these lessons and they pity their financially clueless friends. They've repeatedly thanked me for this and they believe it made their college years easier and lessened their student loan burden.

At the time I knew how long I could let bills get overdue before collectors were called or utilities cut off, which ones would take partial payments, etc. and would use this information to juggle who got paid. If you had asked me then, I would never have believed that the kids would end up going to college!

I no longer need to be so penny-wise, but I like the confidence that knowing if I have to do it I can. I also like that when things did get a bit better, I continued some of the best practises so I could enjoy some rewards, and some security.

During those times I used to hate payday, which was only once a month, and never, ever enough. It was also commission based and variable so I never knew ahead of time how bad it would be until I saw the cheque. My AH would not talk about it because it made him feel guilty. Resentment seeped out of my pores. I had no tools to deal with it.

And always I didn't want the kids to know how close to the edge we were and have these adult worries, so I worked hard to find fun and usually free things to do, and we did end up having a lot of fun.

Wishing you well. You are not alone.

FireSprite

Thank you for sharing! I am LOL because I already say to DD, "Don't be THAT KID that goes off to college, so full of smarts yet unable to wash a load of laundry or cook yourself a meal." Every time she resists learning some new tool or life skill (which isn't often, she's into learning to do for herself), I tell her this is my GIFT to you my dear..... teaching you to care for yourself. We use the teach a man to fish vs. feeding him for a day analogy regularly.

This summer we also started learning about composting & started a small compost pile on the backside of our property. She has about 90 melons growing randomly out there.

FireSprite

So here's my screwy update.

My Women's Group project went really well tonight. It's an idea we've been kicking around & working on back & forth for about 5 years. I've been pushing it hard the last 18months because my boss can get easily distracted from the big picture sometimes & it's my job to help her refocus.... & I know this is important to her.

At the end of the meeting we were cleaning up & out of the blue she offered to pay for me to fly out of state to visit my BFF before she has her baby next month. I was stunned, this is so unexpected. She said since we aren't spending the travel allowance set aside for me to do annual training this year (Home office cancelled this year's symposium) she felt OK using it for this trip instead. That, although a completely different focus, it still had value for me to be able to get away, alone, to see someone I miss so much at a time when she needs all the comfort she can get. A soul trip vs. a business trip.

I told her it was very generous & that I would think about it & let her know tomorrow. I really didn't know WHAT to say!!? I didn't think she'd understand me if I said, "WOW! My HP sure works in mysterious & surprising ways!"

Rosiepetal

That's fantastic news.
I struggle financially to raise a family on my own even though I'm working & am nearing the end of a year long court battle which could set me back thousands I don't have. Sometimes I resent this is happening to me & blame my XH for taking me to court 71/2 years after separation when the kids are already settled, then I think, we are both grown ups, we both want different things, I guess we're both entitled to take the paths we're taking.
I try to look at it like the end to the beginning. Once the court process is over & 8 years have passed surely I can put this all behind me & move on, not looking back for a second.
Is there method in that madness after all lol
My 50cents worth anyway.