My Letter to AH...
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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My Letter to AH...
I wrote AH a letter. I haven't given it to him yet. My plan is to go away with the boys for a few days and leave it with him. I don't want to be around for the initial reaction. I've written it for two main reasons - 1) to give him a clear choice and a reason to get better, and 2) to give me something concrete that I'm accountable to. And if I need to walk away, I need to feel like I gave it a fighting chance. I need to lay my cards out on the table, so to speak. I'm also posting it here for accountability. I don't want criticism for my codie tendencies please. I know I've got work to do on myself. This is just a 'from the heart' letter that states how I'm feeling in this moment. It's stuff I've never said to him that I'm hoping will have an impact. Here's what I've written...
I'm writing this because I have a hard time bringing this up in person. Your reaction is often powerful and keeps me from expressing how I truly feel.
Your drinking has put a wall between us - I feel so disconnected from you. We no longer talk about anything of meaning. You're either unable to have a coherent, logical or rational conversation or I just don't bother because I know you won't remember it anyway. Instead I just keep everything to myself. Things that have held such importance in my life over the past few years are little known events to you. It's so sad. Just recently we got in an argument that really, really upset me. In your vodka-induced state, you were so hurtful and dismissive of something so important to me. I cried myself to sleep that night and the tears continued over the next couple days before I realized you had absolutely no recollection of the argument or conversation at all. You can't imagine how that feels.
We never spend time just the two us... it's always the three of us - you, me, and your vodka. During the day, before you start drinking, you're either working or keeping yourself so busy running errands and doing chores (perhaps to avoid drinking?) that we still never really spend any time together. And then I spend my nights watching you get drunk and passing out on the couch beside me.
We're no longer intimate because I refuse to be when you're drinking... and you're always drinking. When I tell you that's my reason for saying no, I'm either met with anger or the silent treatment, so I've started to make up other excuses in order to protect myself emotionally from your reaction.
I can never really relax and take time for myself because of your drinking. Instead of enjoying my break after camp, I stressed like crazy that you would be too drunk to care for the boys if they needed you during the night. Whenever I go out with a friend, I worry the whole time about what's happening at home because on several occasions I've come home to [baby] screaming while you were unconscious on the couch. It breaks my heart.
I know you're upset about your drinking, but I don't think you know the impact it has on me. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm resentful, I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm sad and I'm incredibly lonely. I pray every day that you'll stop. And I hurt every day when you don't.
You've tried and failed so many times to 'moderate' your drinking. It can't be done - you're an alcoholic. You need to just stop, and stop for good. That is the only option that will work. You need to seek out help through AA or an addiction councillor. You can't do it on your own.
I've been on this train before with my Dad. I know it only goes downhill. I know it only picks up speed. And I know it leaves a path of destruction in the lives of everyone it touches. The kids WILL suffer. This is a certainty. They won't learn what a healthy partnership looks like. They won't learn what 'healthy' drinking looks like - we'll be setting them up for a journey down this same road with their own lives. It WILL affect their self esteem and their sense of security.
You have the choice to stop the train and step off with me or keep going as you are, but you'll be on your own. I'm getting off the train. I'm drawing a line in the sand. I can't lose myself in your addiction. And I refuse to drag the kids through the consequences of living with an alcoholic parent.
I love you and want to see you get healthy, both physically and mentally. There's only one way that can happen.
Please take time to really think this through before you respond or make your choice. I will not go through this again 'x' number of months down the road - it will be a very different conversation should we come to that point. The ball is in your court now. You know where I stand.
I love you ❤️
I'm writing this because I have a hard time bringing this up in person. Your reaction is often powerful and keeps me from expressing how I truly feel.
Your drinking has put a wall between us - I feel so disconnected from you. We no longer talk about anything of meaning. You're either unable to have a coherent, logical or rational conversation or I just don't bother because I know you won't remember it anyway. Instead I just keep everything to myself. Things that have held such importance in my life over the past few years are little known events to you. It's so sad. Just recently we got in an argument that really, really upset me. In your vodka-induced state, you were so hurtful and dismissive of something so important to me. I cried myself to sleep that night and the tears continued over the next couple days before I realized you had absolutely no recollection of the argument or conversation at all. You can't imagine how that feels.
We never spend time just the two us... it's always the three of us - you, me, and your vodka. During the day, before you start drinking, you're either working or keeping yourself so busy running errands and doing chores (perhaps to avoid drinking?) that we still never really spend any time together. And then I spend my nights watching you get drunk and passing out on the couch beside me.
We're no longer intimate because I refuse to be when you're drinking... and you're always drinking. When I tell you that's my reason for saying no, I'm either met with anger or the silent treatment, so I've started to make up other excuses in order to protect myself emotionally from your reaction.
I can never really relax and take time for myself because of your drinking. Instead of enjoying my break after camp, I stressed like crazy that you would be too drunk to care for the boys if they needed you during the night. Whenever I go out with a friend, I worry the whole time about what's happening at home because on several occasions I've come home to [baby] screaming while you were unconscious on the couch. It breaks my heart.
I know you're upset about your drinking, but I don't think you know the impact it has on me. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm resentful, I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm sad and I'm incredibly lonely. I pray every day that you'll stop. And I hurt every day when you don't.
You've tried and failed so many times to 'moderate' your drinking. It can't be done - you're an alcoholic. You need to just stop, and stop for good. That is the only option that will work. You need to seek out help through AA or an addiction councillor. You can't do it on your own.
I've been on this train before with my Dad. I know it only goes downhill. I know it only picks up speed. And I know it leaves a path of destruction in the lives of everyone it touches. The kids WILL suffer. This is a certainty. They won't learn what a healthy partnership looks like. They won't learn what 'healthy' drinking looks like - we'll be setting them up for a journey down this same road with their own lives. It WILL affect their self esteem and their sense of security.
You have the choice to stop the train and step off with me or keep going as you are, but you'll be on your own. I'm getting off the train. I'm drawing a line in the sand. I can't lose myself in your addiction. And I refuse to drag the kids through the consequences of living with an alcoholic parent.
I love you and want to see you get healthy, both physically and mentally. There's only one way that can happen.
Please take time to really think this through before you respond or make your choice. I will not go through this again 'x' number of months down the road - it will be a very different conversation should we come to that point. The ball is in your court now. You know where I stand.
I love you ❤️
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Good for you. I would just add that only total abstinence from alcohol is acceptable for you in order to remain in the marriage.
"There's only one way that can happen..."
...here's the way.
At least, that would be my take on it - as an alcoholic myself, I know that I would be looking for the loophole in that letter. I would need an absolute. Maybe that isn't your bottom line, but I think you need to come up with one if you don't want this to continue.
"There's only one way that can happen..."
...here's the way.
At least, that would be my take on it - as an alcoholic myself, I know that I would be looking for the loophole in that letter. I would need an absolute. Maybe that isn't your bottom line, but I think you need to come up with one if you don't want this to continue.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Are you prepared to follow through? I think your letter is good. However, I hope you have a plan in place and are not placing the eggs in the basket that he will choose family. Hopefully he will, and get help, and all that comes with it. However, too many times they just say they will do all of these things to get you to come home or whatever the consequence is, and then carry right back to the drinking. In my opinion, that is much more damaging to children and to yourself.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I am sorry you are going through this. Tight Hugs.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I am sorry you are going through this. Tight Hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 79
Maybe if I changed the one paragraph to be clearer?...
You've tried and failed so many times to 'moderate' your drinking. It can't be done - you're an alcoholic. You need to just stop, and stop for good. Total abstinence. That is the only option that will work and the only one that I will accept. You need to seek out help through AA or an addiction councillor. You can't do it on your own.
You've tried and failed so many times to 'moderate' your drinking. It can't be done - you're an alcoholic. You need to just stop, and stop for good. Total abstinence. That is the only option that will work and the only one that I will accept. You need to seek out help through AA or an addiction councillor. You can't do it on your own.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Posts: 79
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Are you prepared to follow through? I think your letter is good. However, I hope you have a plan in place and are not placing the eggs in the basket that he will choose family. Hopefully he will, and get help, and all that comes with it. However, too many times they just say they will do all of these things to get you to come home or whatever the consequence is, and then carry right back to the drinking. In my opinion, that is much more damaging to children and to yourself.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I am sorry you are going through this. Tight Hugs.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I am sorry you are going through this. Tight Hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Justwantnormal
Maybe if I changed the one paragraph to be clearer?...
You've tried and failed so many times to 'moderate' your drinking. It can't be done - you're an alcoholic. You need to just stop, and stop for good. Total abstinence. That is the only option that will work and the only one that I will accept. You need to seek out help through AA or an addiction councillor. You can't do it on your own.
You've tried and failed so many times to 'moderate' your drinking. It can't be done - you're an alcoholic. You need to just stop, and stop for good. Total abstinence. That is the only option that will work and the only one that I will accept. You need to seek out help through AA or an addiction councillor. You can't do it on your own.
...maybe it's "I will file for divorce."
"I will move out immediately."
"I will..."?
I think you need a clear boundary as to what your actions will be if he doesn't seek help and stop completely. I would also give it a date, like by the end of the week. No sense dancing around it any longer since you have stated to us you are ready to go and have a house in which to live.
Honestly, I wonder if he is going to make the change without you actually moving out or filing for separation.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow. REALLY GOOD letter. And REALLY GOOD advice. Black and white with no loopholes (with the recommended changes you've made... must STOP drinking; divorce will be the consequence). The only thing I might add if I were you is a statement about how his actions, not words, will be the only thing that matters to show change? Especially if he's narcississtic I can see him gaslight and quack away and you need to let him know you'll see right through it. ACTIONS. Not WORDS.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I don't have any advice on your letter, I just want to gently caution you to keep your expectations in check for the results giving him this letter may or may not produce. Don't say you will do anything you are not 100%, under any circumstance prepared to follow through on.
I am sending you the best of luck with this.
I am sending you the best of luck with this.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
What sparklekitty said. I wrote my exAH letter after letter. He'd read them, I could hear him sniffling. He'd say (each time!) that he had no idea of the effect of his behavior on us and that he would change.
Nothing changed.
Nothing changed.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: New York City, NY
Posts: 45
Oh wow. I just wrote a similar letter... It's comforting to read this, as I feel you stated it well. I haven't heard back (emailed it days ago), but I am hoping he will at least read it. It has been 3 weeks since he disappeared and I haven't been able to express how I was hurt, so the letter was at least therapeutic.
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I think its a really great letter. Couple of things though - do you think your husband will read it sober?
Secondly I would not hand him that letter unless I had a 100% plan of what I was going to do when he said f**k you. And that is what I would expect - the worst case scenario.
Is the amount of money sufficient to live on? Do you have accounts in both your names? Do you have copies of all important papers that you would need? Leave for your few days as if you were not coming back.
I of course have no idea what he will say. I pray that he gets a wake up call and responds by getting in recovery. Hugs to you and very happy for you that you have drawn your line.
Secondly I would not hand him that letter unless I had a 100% plan of what I was going to do when he said f**k you. And that is what I would expect - the worst case scenario.
Is the amount of money sufficient to live on? Do you have accounts in both your names? Do you have copies of all important papers that you would need? Leave for your few days as if you were not coming back.
I of course have no idea what he will say. I pray that he gets a wake up call and responds by getting in recovery. Hugs to you and very happy for you that you have drawn your line.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 121
Your letter is very clear and direct. I applaud you for having the courage to do what is best for you and your family.
I did not write a letter but I did make myself very clear what it would take - I had been down the road before where my RAH quit for 5 months - then the long road back to where I was strong enough to enforce my boundary. Next time he quit for 9 months and then the long road back to where I was strong enough to enforce my boundary. Finally, I said "just quitting drinking wouldn't do it." He needed a program or rehab. I would not settle for anything less.
It was a process and it didn't happen overnight. It takes a while for their thinking to get straight. I stayed in my home. I detached. Took it one day at a time. He went to AA. He is 10 months sober. He works his program and I go to Alanon. We go to marriage counseling.
I truly believe that nothing would have changed if I had not made it clear what my boundary was. The wise folks here taught me that the cycle would just continue. I'm so grateful for the wisdom of so many.
I did not write a letter but I did make myself very clear what it would take - I had been down the road before where my RAH quit for 5 months - then the long road back to where I was strong enough to enforce my boundary. Next time he quit for 9 months and then the long road back to where I was strong enough to enforce my boundary. Finally, I said "just quitting drinking wouldn't do it." He needed a program or rehab. I would not settle for anything less.
It was a process and it didn't happen overnight. It takes a while for their thinking to get straight. I stayed in my home. I detached. Took it one day at a time. He went to AA. He is 10 months sober. He works his program and I go to Alanon. We go to marriage counseling.
I truly believe that nothing would have changed if I had not made it clear what my boundary was. The wise folks here taught me that the cycle would just continue. I'm so grateful for the wisdom of so many.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
I wrote my AH a similar letter. It didn't have the effect I hoped for, so be prepared that this might happen. I had gotten so used to holding back my emotions that I thought once I truly showed him how I felt that he would respond in the way that I wanted.
He didn't. He didn't even respond. He just carried on as normal, I had to ask him if he got it.
His behaviour did change....it escalated and got worse.
All I'd say is make sure you've got your ducks in a row so you don't have any excuse not to follow through. And if you are going to give him this, and he doesn't change, follow through bc he'll never respect anything you ever say again.
Best of luck.
One last thing I'll add as gently as I can....I'd seriously reconsider leaving your children, especially a baby with someone you know is not only going to drink, but has done so to the point of being unconscious. I used to do this too, and used all manner of justifications to myself, until I revealed this on SR one day and had some very hard line responses that I really needed to hear. One person had said to me it was pure LUCK that nothing had happened to my kids, and sometimes luck runs out. It was very hard to read some of the responses I got. Coupled with my therapist reminding me that me leaving my children with someone who was going to most likely drink to that point fit the criteria for child endangerment (and that would have been the charge levelled against ME). I'm sorry if this isn't the time or place, but it worried me when I read you come home to your baby screaming and your AH passed out, and I know you love your children dearly and would be beyond devastated if anything ever happened.
He didn't. He didn't even respond. He just carried on as normal, I had to ask him if he got it.
His behaviour did change....it escalated and got worse.
All I'd say is make sure you've got your ducks in a row so you don't have any excuse not to follow through. And if you are going to give him this, and he doesn't change, follow through bc he'll never respect anything you ever say again.
Best of luck.
One last thing I'll add as gently as I can....I'd seriously reconsider leaving your children, especially a baby with someone you know is not only going to drink, but has done so to the point of being unconscious. I used to do this too, and used all manner of justifications to myself, until I revealed this on SR one day and had some very hard line responses that I really needed to hear. One person had said to me it was pure LUCK that nothing had happened to my kids, and sometimes luck runs out. It was very hard to read some of the responses I got. Coupled with my therapist reminding me that me leaving my children with someone who was going to most likely drink to that point fit the criteria for child endangerment (and that would have been the charge levelled against ME). I'm sorry if this isn't the time or place, but it worried me when I read you come home to your baby screaming and your AH passed out, and I know you love your children dearly and would be beyond devastated if anything ever happened.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by jarp
One last thing I'll add as gently as I can....I'd seriously reconsider leaving your children, especially a baby with someone you know is not only going to drink, but has done so to the point of being unconscious. I used to do this too, and used all manner of justifications to myself, until I revealed this on SR one day and had some very hard line responses that I really needed to hear. One person had said to me it was pure LUCK that nothing had happened to my kids, and sometimes luck runs out. It was very hard to read some of the responses I got. Coupled with my therapist reminding me that me leaving my children with someone who was going to most likely drink to that point fit the criteria for child endangerment (and that would have been the charge levelled against ME). I'm sorry if this isn't the time or place, but it worried me when I read you come home to your baby screaming and your AH passed out, and I know you love your children dearly and would be beyond devastated if anything ever happened.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree with Jarp. Put your children, their safety, and their wellbeing above all else. In our mind we minimize the behavior, but as was said, it only takes one time for something really awful to happen. It gets worse as they get older b/c they want to go places, and then you have the riding in the car issues. Been there, done that.
Stay strong.
Stay strong.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
Someone once told me that the only really effective means of communicating are when we use 'I', not 'you' in our messages. I edited your post according to that line of thinking, just to give food for thought. Note the change in tone. And also note there's nothing in it he can argue with, because it's all about you.
"I'm writing this because I have a hard time bringing this up in person. It keeps me from expressing how I truly feel.
I feel so disconnected from you. We no longer talk about anything of meaning. I just don't bother. Instead I just keep everything to myself. Things that have held such importance in my life over the past few years are little known events. It's so sad. Just recently we got in an argument that really, really upset me. I cried myself to sleep that night and the tears continued over the next couple days.
We never spend time just the two us.
We're no longer intimate. I've started to make up other excuses in order to protect myself emotionally.
I can never really relax and take time for myself. Instead of enjoying my break after camp, I stressed like crazy. Whenever I go out with a friend, I worry the whole time about what's happening at home because on several occasions I've come home to [baby] screaming. It breaks my heart.
This is the impact drinking has on me: I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm resentful, I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm sad and I'm incredibly lonely. I pray every day. And I hurt every day.
I've been on this train before with my Dad. I know it only goes downhill. I know it only picks up speed. And I know it leaves a path of destruction in the lives of everyone it touches. The kids WILL suffer. This is a certainty. They won't learn what a healthy partnership looks like. They won't learn what 'healthy' drinking looks like - we'll be setting them up for a journey down this same road with their own lives. It WILL affect their self esteem and their sense of security.
I'm getting off the train. I'm drawing a line in the sand. I can't lose myself. And I refuse to drag the kids through the consequences of living with an alcoholic parent.
I love you and want to see us get healthy, both physically and mentally. There's only one way that can happen.
I will not go through this again 'x' number of months down the road - it will be a very different conversation should we come to that point.
I love you ❤️"
"I'm writing this because I have a hard time bringing this up in person. It keeps me from expressing how I truly feel.
I feel so disconnected from you. We no longer talk about anything of meaning. I just don't bother. Instead I just keep everything to myself. Things that have held such importance in my life over the past few years are little known events. It's so sad. Just recently we got in an argument that really, really upset me. I cried myself to sleep that night and the tears continued over the next couple days.
We never spend time just the two us.
We're no longer intimate. I've started to make up other excuses in order to protect myself emotionally.
I can never really relax and take time for myself. Instead of enjoying my break after camp, I stressed like crazy. Whenever I go out with a friend, I worry the whole time about what's happening at home because on several occasions I've come home to [baby] screaming. It breaks my heart.
This is the impact drinking has on me: I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm resentful, I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm sad and I'm incredibly lonely. I pray every day. And I hurt every day.
I've been on this train before with my Dad. I know it only goes downhill. I know it only picks up speed. And I know it leaves a path of destruction in the lives of everyone it touches. The kids WILL suffer. This is a certainty. They won't learn what a healthy partnership looks like. They won't learn what 'healthy' drinking looks like - we'll be setting them up for a journey down this same road with their own lives. It WILL affect their self esteem and their sense of security.
I'm getting off the train. I'm drawing a line in the sand. I can't lose myself. And I refuse to drag the kids through the consequences of living with an alcoholic parent.
I love you and want to see us get healthy, both physically and mentally. There's only one way that can happen.
I will not go through this again 'x' number of months down the road - it will be a very different conversation should we come to that point.
I love you ❤️"
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