EmmyG

This was such a good post; thank you. I have been in situations where I'm so worried about AH that I would give ANYthing to stop, because it hurts, but I can't. I loved the demonstration with the pillow.

Stung

I think insecurity is a big part of it for me. Only I'm not trying to protect myself from disappointment or surprises, I'm trying to protect myself from being at fault and being resented. If I can successfully predict outcomes and be prepared them what can I not remedy? If things fail, it's the leader who takes the flack whether I had a hand in the failure or not. I'm the perpetual leader and it stresses me to the absolute max. And although I'll tell you that I hate leading people and I would NEVER volunteer to lead I'm probably so controlling that my "suggestions" make me an obvious and natural leader choice in many situations which is why I end up taking on more responsibilities than I could ever handle.

I'm currently the head of my family and I crave an equal partner. As much as I want a 50/50 partnership I'm just not even in a place to be in an equal relationship. Sucks but its true.

It's a weird place to be in to recognize that you're 1. Doing stuff that is really unhealthy and 2. Not fully understand why you're doing it to begin with.

redatlanta

Excellent post.

Reminds me of why it took me so long to go to Al Anon. I didn't think I was co-dependent or enabling or controlling (raise hand, all the above).

I now enjoy the freedom of not having to figure everything or everyone out.

"I have no idea" is a phrase I use daily praise Jesus,

HealingWillCome

I found myself thinking about your post this morning, Stung. This used to be me in my profession. It still is at home with my kids which I'm really having to work on lately. Work. On. Really. Hard.

I have always been passionately curious about most things. You know, like a learning junkie, information seeker, analyzer, problem solver. It's just the kind of brain God gave me. I loved school and learned easily, quickly. I turned into one of those know-it-all kids and loved to share my ideas/solutions. Not really because I thought they were better than anyone else's, just because I knew they would work.

So, this carried over into my profession, and in the early years became the same kind of burden you're talking about. And I hated it. I really don't like leading. Seriously, I get what you're saying.

I started to back off a few years ago. I just taught myself to shut up and listen. I started to hear other peoples' ideas and watch people come up with better solutions than I had a lot of times. It was awesome. It was really freeing giving up that control. Hard, but freeing.

You were talking in another post somewhere about asking your therapist about how to stop being controlling... I don't know the answers to that, because I am still learning myself. But for me it has boiled down to "shut up and listen" as a really important starting point...learning that the world will keep spinning regardless of what I think should happen.

To be clear, this post isn't about telling you what I think you should do. I just wanted you to know what has helped me. And to say thanks for forcing me to process some of my own shiz this morning. Happy Saturday to you.

DesertEyes

Wow, great thread, I love every post.

Do you all think I should make this a sticky?

Mike
Moderator, SR

Hawkeye13

Yes;
I have been thinking about this one for two days.

It really shifts some ballast

FireSprite

I have had to humble myself in this way for sure. My BFF calls it learning not to "broadcast when I should be receiving" and that silly little phrase always pops up in my mind now when I sense that I am pushing that boundary.

And for me that applies to both internal & external dialogue.... I had to learn to "tune in" & listen in order to hear my gut instincts & re-train myself to interpret what they were telling me. I found that even in this capacity I tend to rush to "fix" before I've even taken the time to sit & marinate with whatever emotions I am feeling long enough to properly identify them & their source. Trying to observe yourself in the 3rd person like that is challenging!!

Yes, I vote to Sticky this!

HealingWillCome

This is good. Great way to approach acting vs. reacting!

Stung

This is great advice for me, as I also have a problem with cutting people off and finishing their sentences. I'm trying really hard to work on keeping my suggestions to myself these past couple of days. It's amazing how often I have suggestions for people, particularly for my husband, and especially while he's driving. Who cares if we miss an exit and have to turn around. Who cares if he's driving slower than I would. We get to the same destination regardless of who is driving. I find myself wondering why he allows me to make suggestions constantly without telling me to zip it and then I tell myself to mind my own business and wonder why I feel the need to correct him when he isn't even doing anything wrong.

DesertEyes

Done stickied under "Classic Reading"

Mike

CodeJob

Very enlightening blog post Stung. Thank you for posting.

Everyone's comments are great too.

Over vacation I spent enough time with my FOO to watch the Karpman triangle play several rounds. I told one player it was not my role once. I told another player no action needed to be taken in that moment. When I stood up for DS and my parenting role, I watched my father stay silent. I watched and listened and learned.

Then we went and visited RAHs FOO. I saw some patterns there too.

I'm reupholstering my couch and ready to work on the center cushion. 20 years and it's time for a bit of sprucing up. But maybe I'll wind up with a nice reading chair yet. Either way, I've got good bones.