desypete

lol funny enough if i made that statement about women and putting a leash on them i can just imagine the uproar

to the op
i can see you have cut out alcoholics from your life and it sounds to me like your holding a deep filled resentment there because of your ex

my ex wife always hurt me with her drinking and affairs i was a drunk to in the end and i made her pay for her mistakes something i am not proud off these days but back then i thought i had every right
how dare she sleep with other men behind my back how dare she hurt me blah blah blah

i had to learn to forgive her and she is still out there drinking with another drunk who she found etc recently i have had to give her a large sum of money just what she needs as she has no money of her own so she can drink it up the wall

meanwhile i have had sole care of our kids for the last 8 years and she hasnt given me a penny in support of been there for the kids for anything not even sending them birthday cards or anything

she hates me with a passion yet i have to forgive her

and i have i have no hate left in me for her anymore when i went around to meet her and her new man they were both sat in the kitchen of there home my old home drinking and being half drunk
i let them know of there good fortune and i asked her to just donate a percentage of it towards me kids as she had given them nothing

lucky for me she agreed and indeed she stuck to it so my kids ended up with a bit more money than i could of given them out of my own share

so even in the worse of us there is some good
but had i been full of hate and revenge well the solicitors would of ending up getting rich but not my kids

so i have to learn how to let it all go and just get on

as for your new relationship i just wonder if you met him at an al anon meeting ?
i hear many stories in open meetings from al anon meetings and its clear just how much these people love there partners to put up with such rubbish
i havent met many members who did cut out there partner and left them but there are some and they to end up meeting new partners in al anon

i remember one women sharing about her partner would be at home jealous of her meeting other men in the fellowship and he made her life hell
so a bloke helped her in the fellowship and sure enough she ended up leaving her jealous hubby to live with this new guy who helped her

they were married not so long ago and now getting divorced once the sex was out of the way and the romance has soon gone all that was left were 2 people with emotional problems that clashed

the point is we all have to world on ourselves to find ourselves and it takes a long time i did it by jumping in and out of online love affairs as i fell in love with them all until they wanted to do there own thing then my love turned to anger as they would hurt me lol

i can laugh at it now as its funny to see me like that but i have had to grow far away from being like that and the only thing that helped me was by being on my own without a relationship
then i could focus on me

Hammer

ehhh. Maybe. But I figured that schappi was doing drama about the stereotype, itself. (*yawn*)

Rather than say . . . that I tend to hide behind the stereotype. Which I think is YOUR (ongoing) topic, if I not mistaken?

HikerLady

If the idea of him enabling her makes you sick (I think it would make me feel the same way), then he's not the one and it's better to get out now then get further in and do the whole wash, rinse, repeat cycle drama. I'm up for being wrong, and yes, it does bug me a bit that I am in the minority here. I'll have to think on this one and keep reading here. I do not buy that men are just dumb and need a leash....hmm

lillamy

Hammerman, I have to tell you that I've hung here with you long enough to totally get your posts -- and I laughed out loud at the "running around in traffic" comment! Always appreciate your input, but I can see how taken out of the Hammer context, this particular one might not be totally clear to people...

nbay2013

I do not believe that men are dumb and need a leash either. I think that is an excuse for not taking the time to learn insight and learn communication skills, as very few people have these skills naturally. Especially people in the forum who most likely didn't learn these critical skills from our parents including myself. This man and I met online, not in Al-Anon. But as our stories evolved, we both found out about our similarities with an ex-alkie. He and I have been in the pink bubble of getting to know each other in the last seven weeks and this is the first outside the bubble "bump" and god damn it, did it really have to be alcoholic related? Yeah, apparently it did. It's like the universe was sure to throw me a bundle of fears all at once. Ex-Girlfriend (check) Alcoholic (check) Possibly codie new mate (check). ARGGGGGG. And all when the lovely tender waves of vulnerability are cascading through my heart, melting my walls.

But, this is what I learned from all these communications.

breath and more will be revealed.

The road trip to visit the mother happens Saturday and I need to lay low until then. I don't want this be misconstrued by new BF as passive aggressive punishing 'cause that would be messed up. I just want to sit back and process my feelings and when he is around I have a hard time not saying stuff I have not thought through.

This thread is awesome. Just saved me a $110.00 visit to the therapist who is out of town anyway.

Love,

Carrie

Refiner

I haven't gone through everyone's posts yet, but just want to share my "gut" and what jumped out at me. Sounds to me like he's making the relationship more diminished than it actually is. If she just shows up on his doorstep unnanounced asking for this trip he take her on, me thinks there's more than the occoasional email to say hi. I could be wrong. Also, my gut tells me he's in a "needing to be needed" mode with her. He was trying to "save her" and she's the one that called it quits. Just my $0.02. Why don't you ask if you can ride along and see what his reaction is?? :-D

spiderqueen

Hey Carrie,
I am glad to see you here - we were letting go of ABFs around the same time I remember, and unearthing some very big internal stuff in the process.

Interestingly, I am in a new relationship too, one year post break up with A. New man is lovely and seems very stable; but recently I learned that two of his sibs have alcohol-related issues.

I felt actual fear at the prospect of meeting one of them recently; like it was somehow going to contaminate my relationship. (I didn't end up meeting the sib; but probably will eventually).

Obviously, we are still suffering the effects of those toxic relationships, as we navigate the waters of new love. I really just wanted to lend my support, and tell you I can really relate to the reflexive, fearful feelings.

Most of all, be gentle with YOURSELF. Make time for whatever relaxes and recharges you. You are still healing, and that can make it hard to be cool, calm and collected!!

(hugs)

Refiner

Hammer, FWIW, I thought your "stereotypical" analogy JOKE was hilarious

nbay2013

Oh, it's so awesome to hear from you. I am going to go back and read your threads to remind myself of your journey. Thank you for sharing that you are in a new relationship. Argggg. I wished we could just stay in a pink bubble forever, but life calls with all it's past, and relatives, and baggage. I would love to hear about how you met, any conflicts, who he is, how he deals with your background etc. Oh, didn't mention that my new guy has a recently dead brother from Alcoholism. What the heck. It's a MADHOUSE!

CodeJob

Hi Carrie,

I wonder if this attraction is operating on another level too? If I like someone or am curious about them or 'hit it off' I am now pretty confident to assume somewhere along the way - their history will reveal ACOA! This was a step 4 revelation for me.

redatlanta

"This thread is awesome. Just saved me a $110.00 visit to the therapist who is out of town anyway."

That's pretty cool. I wonder how many people were able to get rid of their therapists from participation on SR. never thought about that before.

Hammer

Yeah. See, that is the thing. Folks think it is funny when I am not really joking.

So I figured I would scan a pix search and find some picture of a forlorn dog stuck on a traffic median, that we could sort of laugh about. Instead I found this one below.

Which is really much closer to the condition. *We* (messed up) guys just will not give up even when our little buddy is dead. Look how much harder it is for the (messed up) guys on here to just give up or abandon our A's even when it is clear they have gone Zombie.

Which is where this thread started.

Hammer

Nbay -- this is probably the fantasy you are up against.

He likely needs a hurt puppy to rescue.

schnappi99

Didn't get you were joking. All my drama is humor free.. purified by the self-righteousness lolz

nbay2013

Thank you Hammer for the smile this morning. Those pictures say it all. Dark humor works for me in "Hammering" the point home. The difficulty with the Zombie mate, is that the death was so long and protracted, we keep on waiting for the body to move. And we wait, and wait....

schnappi99

<shudder> know just what you mean...

nbay2013

Well again I took the advice and calmed way down. This man stepped up by wanting very much to work through our feelings on this. I didn't feel judged by him after our 2nd and 3rd talk. It was our first bump and I think I handled it fairly well. The main tool was to breath, realize I have zero control over someone else and I don't get to orchestrate his life to make ME comfortable. On the other hand, I had to "agree to disagree" with him and that was surprising nice and a new thing for me. In the past, I would feel like I would have to prevail, but jeez, "agreeing to disagree" is such a friggin relief. Once I do that I realize it's NOT an emergency, that things HAVE TO BE REVEALED in their own time. I am so ready for bad behavior, it's hard to wait for the good stuff.

You people are amazing and I love you all

Carrie

FireSprite

Amen! So glad you are feeling better today!

CodeJob

These photos make me realize I definitely identify more with dogs than humans. Sniff.

Glad you are off the edge Carrie! Have a lovely weekend!

izzyrose05

He's taking her because he WANTS to. Its not that complicated Sweetie. Listen to your gut. Instincts were granted to us for a reason. They are usually right. See it for what it is, and then make a decision. I suppose you can stick around and watch your hunch unfold but that doesn't sound too appealing.

Goodluck Honey