hobbies for recovering alcoholic mother?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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hobbies for recovering alcoholic mother?
hey everyone, new here, nice to see this place exists, wish i had thought of finding something like this in rougher times...
I dont even know where to begin...my mother has been an alcoholic for my entire life, and from the age of six until the age of 15 it was just us two (im 21 now) so i went through my own personal hell. But when i was 15 she got married and left until i was 17, then she got divorced, came back and i just went to live with a boyfriend.. in the meanwhile my grandad died and im living by myself in an apartment he had.
Point is, me and my mother have had a very rocky relationship until i could distant myself enough to realize she just doesnt know any better, and i feel i need to take care of her and always make sure everything is taken care of. Its really like shes my child... so recently my stepdad died. Both him and my mom were always in and out of the hospital due to alcoholic hepatitis and he developed cirrhosis and an encephalopathy and died just two weeks ago. When he died they had both just gotten out of the hospital and were both sober, and since then my moms been sober, which still amazes me everyday.
But the thing is, the other day we were out for lunch and it was really hot, and she ordered a beer which she regretted (maybe due to my silent disappointed reaction lol) after one sip, so i said i'd drink it and she could have my ice tea, and she did.
But the thing is, i feel like its done, like its just waiting to happen again, the seed is there again, and im over at her house all the time being a total crutch, i know, but im just so scared to leave her bored with all of this.. its like watching a building collapsing in slow motion lol
So, basically, does anyone have any hobbie ideas for a single 52 year old woman whos a recovering alcoholic? she wont go to therapy, aa or church.. shes an artist, but she hasnt done anything in over ten years and i dont see her getting back on it.. I feel like i should help her find a way to fill her time, which has been occuppied with drinking for so long. Shes also alienated alot of people so shes pretty lonely
Thank you guys so much in advance, sorry for the messy english
I dont even know where to begin...my mother has been an alcoholic for my entire life, and from the age of six until the age of 15 it was just us two (im 21 now) so i went through my own personal hell. But when i was 15 she got married and left until i was 17, then she got divorced, came back and i just went to live with a boyfriend.. in the meanwhile my grandad died and im living by myself in an apartment he had.
Point is, me and my mother have had a very rocky relationship until i could distant myself enough to realize she just doesnt know any better, and i feel i need to take care of her and always make sure everything is taken care of. Its really like shes my child... so recently my stepdad died. Both him and my mom were always in and out of the hospital due to alcoholic hepatitis and he developed cirrhosis and an encephalopathy and died just two weeks ago. When he died they had both just gotten out of the hospital and were both sober, and since then my moms been sober, which still amazes me everyday.
But the thing is, the other day we were out for lunch and it was really hot, and she ordered a beer which she regretted (maybe due to my silent disappointed reaction lol) after one sip, so i said i'd drink it and she could have my ice tea, and she did.
But the thing is, i feel like its done, like its just waiting to happen again, the seed is there again, and im over at her house all the time being a total crutch, i know, but im just so scared to leave her bored with all of this.. its like watching a building collapsing in slow motion lol
So, basically, does anyone have any hobbie ideas for a single 52 year old woman whos a recovering alcoholic? she wont go to therapy, aa or church.. shes an artist, but she hasnt done anything in over ten years and i dont see her getting back on it.. I feel like i should help her find a way to fill her time, which has been occuppied with drinking for so long. Shes also alienated alot of people so shes pretty lonely
Thank you guys so much in advance, sorry for the messy english
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Gosh Maria....you have reached out for help for your Mom, but I am going to try and help you. You are obviously a very loving and caring daughter. Be very, very careful how much you "take care" of you Mom. The only one you can take care of is you.... This is how it starts. We take on the responsibility of making sure our loved one is taken care of, happy, watched over. But that only makes us an enabler and we become a part of the whole disease. Once we are in the middle of the disease it gets so difficult to see things clearly.
I hope your Mom doesn't drink anymore, but the fact that she ordered a beer in front of you tells me it is very much on her mind. Whatever she decides on regarding drinking or not drinking will not change at all based on what you do or don't do. Or what hobbies she is involved in. It really, truly is going to be up to her.... all on her own. My concern right now is you.
Being a child of an alcoholic is packed full of "stuff". The absolute best thing you can do for you AND for your Mom is to check out an Al-Anon meeting. I don't know if you have had any experience with them, so forgive me if I am telling you something you already know.
Al-Anon can provide you with support, KNOWLEDGE, encouragement and friendships that can end up being your saving grace. You can learn why it is you feel like the adult and she is the child. You can learn ways to deal with all the issues that come from past alcoholism experiences and future experiences.
It is such a slippery slope when we get the mindset to help someone not drink. I know because I have been there... like so many others on this site. Please keep reading and reaching out and first and foremost learn that taking care of YOU first is the most important step you can take.
I hope your Mom doesn't drink anymore, but the fact that she ordered a beer in front of you tells me it is very much on her mind. Whatever she decides on regarding drinking or not drinking will not change at all based on what you do or don't do. Or what hobbies she is involved in. It really, truly is going to be up to her.... all on her own. My concern right now is you.
Being a child of an alcoholic is packed full of "stuff". The absolute best thing you can do for you AND for your Mom is to check out an Al-Anon meeting. I don't know if you have had any experience with them, so forgive me if I am telling you something you already know.
Al-Anon can provide you with support, KNOWLEDGE, encouragement and friendships that can end up being your saving grace. You can learn why it is you feel like the adult and she is the child. You can learn ways to deal with all the issues that come from past alcoholism experiences and future experiences.
It is such a slippery slope when we get the mindset to help someone not drink. I know because I have been there... like so many others on this site. Please keep reading and reaching out and first and foremost learn that taking care of YOU first is the most important step you can take.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
My mother (also an alcoholic) really enjoyed working jigsaw puzzles.
I'd get a really lovely one off Amazon, and see how she responds.
Maybe start with a smaller one--don't give her the impossible 5,000 piece mindkiller,
but maybe a nice contrasting image, 500 pieces or so, to see how she likes it.
With my mom, I just set it up on a table and told her I wanted to work on it to relax myself, and I started doing it. She resisted at first, but soon enough came to join me
and then began working them on her own.
I'd get a really lovely one off Amazon, and see how she responds.
Maybe start with a smaller one--don't give her the impossible 5,000 piece mindkiller,
but maybe a nice contrasting image, 500 pieces or so, to see how she likes it.
With my mom, I just set it up on a table and told her I wanted to work on it to relax myself, and I started doing it. She resisted at first, but soon enough came to join me
and then began working them on her own.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree with both points above 
. Also, how about introducing her to the forums & resources here at SR? (If you are comfortable with that, of course)
Other activities - my mom enjoys all kinds of needle work, knitting & crocheting. She loves making DD unique hair scrunchies out of different materials, or soft sided bags for the kids' e-readers, etc. I know a lot of people have had great luck using meetup.com to meet others with common interests - perhaps there is one in your area for her type of art interests or a new hobby she'd like to try?
. Also, how about introducing her to the forums & resources here at SR? (If you are comfortable with that, of course)Other activities - my mom enjoys all kinds of needle work, knitting & crocheting. She loves making DD unique hair scrunchies out of different materials, or soft sided bags for the kids' e-readers, etc. I know a lot of people have had great luck using meetup.com to meet others with common interests - perhaps there is one in your area for her type of art interests or a new hobby she'd like to try?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nottingham UK
Posts: 241
As codependents, we often say that our loved one drinks more because they don't have enough hobbies. While it may be closer to the truth to say that they have no hobbies (any more) because of their drinking.
My own mother used to have a lot of interests, travel, property, fashion, languages... they all diminished/were dropped over time.
As for suggestions, i'll throw one in there from the left field - MMO gaming!
Well, it helped me not want to smoke weed every evening. It gave me something engrossing to do, and social interaction in a setting that makes me not want to be impaired so i can play better. And these things are an enormous time sink, which i suppose is a good thing in those circumstances. Theres a lot of bored housewives playing these things, and they're some of the most hardcore players out there (wanting to kick people from the guild for not hitting the level cap a week after an expansion comes out, not grasping that some people have to work for a living).
My own mother used to have a lot of interests, travel, property, fashion, languages... they all diminished/were dropped over time.
As for suggestions, i'll throw one in there from the left field - MMO gaming!
Well, it helped me not want to smoke weed every evening. It gave me something engrossing to do, and social interaction in a setting that makes me not want to be impaired so i can play better. And these things are an enormous time sink, which i suppose is a good thing in those circumstances. Theres a lot of bored housewives playing these things, and they're some of the most hardcore players out there (wanting to kick people from the guild for not hitting the level cap a week after an expansion comes out, not grasping that some people have to work for a living).
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
In general, I would say "it's not your problem; it's hers." But I also understand the wanting to help her find her way in a world where alcohol isn't a choice anymore. Your mom and I are pretty close in age, and I can imagine reaching out and finding new friends, new hobbies, must be pretty frightening for her. Especially if she carries the fear of "what if someone finds out that I used to be an A?"
I don't know what her life is like and what she would feel comfortable with. I met a lady in Al-Anon who started lifting weights at age 65 to have something to do after her husband died. You should have seen her in the gym with all the muscle dudes -- it was beautiful! I bought a road bike when I left AXH and started biking -- there's something about making your body work that makes me happy. I've also tried a bunch of weird stuff -- local community colleges often have cheap classes in everything from indoor hydroponic gardening to foreign languages and cross-stitch.
I think I would encourage her -- and maybe accompany her, if you have the opportunity -- to group classes where she can meet other people. Let her try her wings a bit with you as a security blanket, maybe?
And honestly, I wouldn't underestimate the internet. Even though I'd probably recommend something where she gets OUT and isn't isolated, there are many good internet groups for all kinds of interests!
I don't know what her life is like and what she would feel comfortable with. I met a lady in Al-Anon who started lifting weights at age 65 to have something to do after her husband died. You should have seen her in the gym with all the muscle dudes -- it was beautiful! I bought a road bike when I left AXH and started biking -- there's something about making your body work that makes me happy. I've also tried a bunch of weird stuff -- local community colleges often have cheap classes in everything from indoor hydroponic gardening to foreign languages and cross-stitch.
I think I would encourage her -- and maybe accompany her, if you have the opportunity -- to group classes where she can meet other people. Let her try her wings a bit with you as a security blanket, maybe?
And honestly, I wouldn't underestimate the internet. Even though I'd probably recommend something where she gets OUT and isn't isolated, there are many good internet groups for all kinds of interests!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: San Diego
Posts: 8
Today I found this forum and Maria, gosh we have so much in common. I feel the exact same way. Thanks Patticakes for your reply. It really helps. I have no idea how to help my mother. She doesn't have any interests, any hobbies. I try taking her to different activities, suggesting hobbies, but nothing. She lies on her bedroom all day. It makes me completely desperate on the inside.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 2
Hey thank you so much everyone, the puzzles, the knitting and the exercise are all things i can maybe push her to do if i start them.. i went to see my mom everyday this week and just when i decided maybe she could use some days on her own, and told her id only be back monday or tuesday, she gets envited out to dinner with an old friend! So im pretty sure shes gonna be drinking again...(i know where shes going and everyone will be drinking, so its pretty much a miracle if she doesnt drink tonight) but thats okay, thanks everyone anyways im sure more people than i think will find this helpful
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Awww Maria I am so sorry to hear your news..... but on the other hand I kind of sense you aren't taking responsibility for her actions or trying to stop her. Good.... gooooood.
Beccamay, this is the place I hope you will get to... where it sounds like Maria is. I hate to hear a daughter, or anyone, say an alcoholic is making them feel "completely desperate inside". I have BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, so I know exactly what that feels like! It was such an AMAZING revelation to come to when I recognized that the problem was NOT mine to stop, side track, derail....it just is NOT my responsibility! PHEW!!!!!!! Me, myself and I is the only person I am responsible for. Which includes taking care of ME so I can be the best ME for the others I love!
Gosh, I have walked this path of dating, loving, and marrying a alcoholic. Different stages of alcoholism throughout. When we married he was a recovering alcoholic of almost over 2 years. Sadly he went back "out" again and we are separated.....my choice. You would "think" after ten years I might actually "have it"....right??? I have to work at it every day to keep myself in check, keep my focus on my behavior and taking care of me instead of someone else. And reading and sharing with others who are experiencing the same things has been SO helpful!! I just encourage you both to keep reaching out, sharing and taking care of you! I am a Momma of some adult kids, so I am allowed to kind of be a Momma in a good and healthy way.
Beccamay, this is the place I hope you will get to... where it sounds like Maria is. I hate to hear a daughter, or anyone, say an alcoholic is making them feel "completely desperate inside". I have BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, so I know exactly what that feels like! It was such an AMAZING revelation to come to when I recognized that the problem was NOT mine to stop, side track, derail....it just is NOT my responsibility! PHEW!!!!!!! Me, myself and I is the only person I am responsible for. Which includes taking care of ME so I can be the best ME for the others I love!
Gosh, I have walked this path of dating, loving, and marrying a alcoholic. Different stages of alcoholism throughout. When we married he was a recovering alcoholic of almost over 2 years. Sadly he went back "out" again and we are separated.....my choice. You would "think" after ten years I might actually "have it"....right??? I have to work at it every day to keep myself in check, keep my focus on my behavior and taking care of me instead of someone else. And reading and sharing with others who are experiencing the same things has been SO helpful!! I just encourage you both to keep reaching out, sharing and taking care of you! I am a Momma of some adult kids, so I am allowed to kind of be a Momma in a good and healthy way.
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