queenapple

Quick recap-- my RAH moved out about 6 weeks ago at my request. He is an alcoholic who had a liver transplant almost 7 years ago and started drinking about a year ago, although I didn't find out until-- where else? -- an important family party (my daughter in law graduated from nursing school). There are also other things from years ago that still impact our relationship and our grown kids.

He's doing addiction programs at various churches as well as an online study. He sends me his online answers. I told him I appreciate being able to see how he's doing. Then he asked me how he was doing. And I told him.

I don't think he was expecting to hear what I said. I believe he was looking for attaboys or kudos on not drinking, working the programs and becoming more oriented toward what God wants for his life. Instead, I told him exactly how the things he's done have affected me and our kids, what the kids have said to me about his leaving (they all think it's the right thing), how he's never thought of anyone but himself over the years, and a few other home truths.

I'm sure it not only took him aback but was very hard for him to hear. To his credit, he took it well. But I think it was his first real inkling that I'm not anxious to have him move back-- ever. And that I'm going to put other people before him -- including myself.

We've had a dysfunctional marriage for so long that I don't see any resolution for this besides permanent separation. I'm keeping the door open for reconciliation but I think he finally sees that that door is more shut than open.

I feel good about finally telling him the truth about things. He needed to hear exactly how he's affected everyone. Of course, like the good codie I am, I worry about "hurting his feeling" with the truth. Isn't that ridiculous.

I found what I think is a good Alanon group for me yesterday and today I'm trying a new church. Our current church is very much of the "God hates divorce" school of thought. Our pastor has already tried this on me and I told him in no uncertain terms that I have just cause for separation and that I know what I'm doing. But it's somewhat strained going to church with RAH right now.

redatlanta

Biblical grounds for divorce are adultery in my book that includes an affair with booze. I am of the school that biblically there are so many things written regarding what a marriage should be and how spouses should treat each other that the school of thought of "God hates divorce" antiquated and wrong. God hates a wasted life.

Good luck to you and sorry you are going through this.

Hawkeye13

That sounds very empowering queenapple.

I think it is good that you told him the truth--for all of you

lizatola

Hi there, I read a few books, Christian books, about dysfunctional and abusive marriages and what the Bible really says about divorce, including that verse where it says, "God hates divorce." I don't know if I can post it here but I can send you a private message with the book titles. They have helped me immensely in understanding that God does not want us to suffer at the hands of someone's abuse of us, abuse of a substance, or any kind of abuse at all. There are steps you can take FOR YOU and maybe you'll find the answers you seek. Also, Al Anon is a great place to start where you can get 'in real life' support and be around people who have been where you are.

honeypig

queenapple, it sounds like you're making great strides! I'm so happy you've found support in an Alanon group that fits you. I hope you find a church that fits you, too. Thanks for sharing your progress, and again, I'm so glad for you!

Mango blast

queenapple, many kudos to you - for standing up for yourself, for finding what you need in life, for not being sucked back in to the dysfunction.

lizatola, please do post the book title and/or a link to it.

CodeJob

Queen apple,

I do not speak up for myself enough in my own dysfunctional relationship with RAH. There is really something to applaud when you just state the truth like you did.

Kudos!