jarp

Sitting here tonight I am really struggling with panic, and I don't want to call friends or family because I am really worried I am going to exhaust them with all of this.

No one has heard from AH since yesterday lunch time, that I know of. He sent me a text saying he is "completely ****ed" noon yesterday. He's not responded to any messages or calls from anyone. No one knows where is is. Friday he was in hospital, had threatened suicide. Released Saturday, he wouldn't stay. The crisis team at the hospital assessed him as not being suicidal. How can they really know that? Do they? Are they always right?

And do alcoholics ever actually commit suicide...isn't it a selfish disease.....preserving themselves and their drink at all costs? Can't drink if you are dead.

I know I can't control this, I know this. If he chooses to take his life, i know i cant control that either. I know I cant be with him, and i know my kids come first, and i have to keep them healthy.

But I can't stand not knowing if he is alive or not.

I'm really tempted to call some local hospitals. Is this not keeping my side of the street clean? He's my husband and the father to our son. How can I do nothing?

I'm really in a complete flap here...I'm really struggling to control my panic. I have a feeling something really bad has happened....I used to be able to trust my intuition....now I don't even know if I am 'over reacting' or under reacting.

God I hate this disease, and I hate very moment of this stage of my journey towards something better and healthier. HATE IT. Why did I do this to myself or my kids? I should have stayed away from him the minute I learned about his psych history....but oh no.....too tempting for this ego....I CAN save him....with me by his side he WILL be happy and well. What a complete and total idiot I was. I want to go back in time and slap myself...really hard.

Sorry had to get it out, and as I said, I don't want to fatigue my friendships. No need to reply.

dandylion

jarp....my position on this is that you should do what your better judgement tells you to do. There is no rigid set of "rules" that you HAVE to go by.

I understand your feelings. People who threaten suicide or are suicidal and./or unstable put us in the most awful position. They just don't know or consider the pain that they foist onto others.

I am glad that you can vent here.

Please keep us informed...as we care about you!

dandylion

Blossom717

I'm so sorry you are going through this!
I can only share my experience with a similar situation.
When my parents split up my dad (an addict) threatened suicide, and admitted himself to the hospital. He never actually even tried. He would call my mom and scare her, saying he was going to drive into a pole.
He is too selfish to actually do it though. He never has. Around christmas every year he admits himself into the hospital for depression, although I think its mostly for attention.

Then there is my stepdad (an alcoholic) who recently was found dead in his home after he committed suicide. But he didn't warn anyone. Just did it.

From my life experience, the ones who threaten it are looking for attention, and don't usually go through with it .

I hope they find him, and I hope everything works out for you

jarp

Thanks dandelion that means a lot to me.

And thanks blossom...the crisis team said basically the same thing. He used to threaten it (before we got together) and has had one 'attempt'. I say attempt bc what he did never would have killed him and he's smart enough to have known that. And I'm really sorry to hear about your dad and especially your stepdad. I'm so sorry for the pain that must have caused you.

iamthird

I will pray for your family. Just breathe. I have been reading a lot lately and one simple thing I do when things get crazy is just control my breathing. It really helps me calm down no matter what.

Try to focus on what you have control of today. Hug your son. Focus on what you have.

It is hard and painful but we are here to support you!!

Blossom717

Also - Try not to panic. I know thats easier said than done. Take deep breaths. Be thankful that you are safe and with your son.

Take a walk, talk to a friend or family member. I know how it feels to think that they are tired of hearing it, but also remember what you need. If you need tovent then vent. You need comfort, and thats what friends and family are for!

Bullfrog

There's no How To book written on how to deal with this kind of stuff. Oh, how I wish there was.

What has worked for me is prayer, faith that God has my back, He will show me what to do in the moment... And Al Anon. But I still have my freakouts and panic moments.

Dealing with alcoholism, abuse and addiction is not the way it's "supposed" to be. But it is what it is.

Bullfrog

(My XH was recently placed on a hold in a psych hospital for suicidal ideation. Honestly, I think it's an attention ploy mixed with truly not knowing how to handle emotions. I found that I was surprised by how little it rattled me, now that we aren't married. I am beginning to only worry about how it affects our kids. Sorry if that sounds heartless, but my sympathies for him are pretty much exhausted.)

Blossom717

Its hard but its something that, like with most other A dramatics, I've learned to live with. My step dad was a terrible person, I won't go into details, but I wasn't sad to hear the news. Thank you.

He may be looking for attention or sympathy from you. Hopefully you will find out he is okay, but he will probably be looking for your reaction. What would he do if you put up a neutral facade?

FireSprite

Great advice all around. My RAH was the type that disappeared when he drank & would go NC on me by not responding to texts or calls so I wouldn't hear him raging & slurring. Even though he never threatened suicide, I would stress endlessly wondering if he was dead, in the hospital or in jail. That anxiety/panic would keep me up all hours & turn me into a basketcase zombie. Then DD had zero functioning parents instead of at least one.

It took me a while but detachment from his behavior/actions, deep breathing, SR, adding a mild melatonin supplement to help me get to sleep - these tools & others helped me calm some of the panic so I could at least get SOME sleep & relax & keep up on MY responsibilities like work, kid, etc. ((((hugs)))) I hope you hear from him soon just so you can put your mind at ease.

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry you are going through this jarp.

I had some nasty episodes with my alcoholic mother threatening suicide and shooting off guns.

The uncertainty, fear, loss of control is terrible.

(((((jarp)))))

HopefulinFLA

Jarp,

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I don't blame you one bit for panicking, I know I would too.

I think it's selfish and cruel to do what he's done. To send an alarming message like that with no further communication or detail is a horrible thing to do. In my opinion, and with out knowing your AH, it sounds like some sort of manipulation, or cry for attention.

I truly hope he's okay for the sake of your children. If this were my AH, I would be really pi$$ed off.

Praying

Hi jarp...sending hugs, peace, and prayers to you.

My best friend's A sister killed herself, but it was after she "appeared to be finally getting better" and everyone eased up. No warning whatsoever. She was incredibly serious and left no room for doubt.

The other As in my life have threatened at times, but no action. I found it to be another form of manipulation...or punishment, pending their state of mind. (I can make you suffer like me, wonder what's going on, etc.) I agree with the question posed...what would he be like if you appeared completely neutral and didn't show any reaction whatsoever? "Oh, hi, how are you? I'm just getting dinner ready." Completely not "noticing" the entire last few days?

I think it's a horrible situation and I feel for your pain. One thought. Similar to drinking, (this sounds harsh), if he's going to do it, he's going to do it. If not, he won't. Your anxiety changes nothing...nor do his threats. Easy to say, I know, very hard to live out when it's your loved one.

Santa

When my ex lost his job he told me the same thing..."I'm ****ed." He said some things that made me think he was considering suicide. I was really concerned, principally for how it would affect our children if he went through with it. (I hate to say it but I was past caring by that point.)

I think he was scared and lonely, yes, but also trying to manipulate my pity for attention. That was more than 6 months ago, he's still trucking even though he's homeless.

Butterfly

I am sorry you are going through this. I understand your panic when he doesn't reply my AH would take off in his car drunk and disappear and not answer texts or phone calls. There were many times I almost rang the police to inform them he was drink driving but I could never bring myself to do it. Did he text you then not reply deliberately to cause you anxiety if so he is being incredibly selfish!!

The difficulty with the crisis team is that they can only go on what a person says to them during their assessment but in my experience in my job those who are serious about suicide rarely tell others they just go off and take their own life......not always but most occasions I know off. No they don't always get it right but if someone is sober, and they shouldn't assess him if he's under the influence, and they say they are not feeling suicidal then they can't detain them in hospital unless there is an immediate risk to themselves and or others.

You are not responsible for his actions and god forbid he did take his own life you are not the reason for this. Just like addiction a person has to seek help with their mental health. I understand your need to make sure he is safe and as dandylion says you do what you feel you need to do. The difficulty is is he going to keep doing this to keep you hanging on worrying about him and how do you remove yourself from his behaviours so they don't keep affecting you. I still worry about my AH when I know he's drinking as he would drive but the longer I am away the less I worry and the less contact we have the less I worry as I don't know what he is doing.

You can not blame yourself and you are not an idiot remember we believe what we tell ourselves and the more we say negative things the more we believe this about ourselves. I understand how you feel about burdening your friends but they are your friends because they care about you. As for here come and vent any time.

I hope he is ok but more I hope you find peace in amongst this madness and learn to focus on you and your son. Hugs.

involved

Went to al anon last night and fear was the topic. Read pages from courage to change. One lady talked about her husband disapearing for days and weeks with no warning....and another talked about her husband "exploiting" her fear of his dyeing! She said he would actually call her into a room he was in and he would be laying down eyes closed hands folded on his chest holding a flower! Sorry you are going thru this. Like you said you know you cant controll him. So breathe, come back into this moment by whatever means you need to distract your mind from this foolishness. Take care of you. If something bad has happened you will find out. But like you said more than likely he is just trying to exploit your fear. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...5-29-14-a.html

sunday9

I am also sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you hear something soon.

hopeful4

I agree with everyone above and send you huge hugs. XXX

jarp

Thanks everyone, I am just so anxious, but got through the night. I am so tired. I snapped at my daughter badly this morning and I feel really bad...I need to remember that it is THEM that needs me, I need to stop pouring my emotional energy into someone who doesnt want it. She has some attachment issues from her adoption and feels unsettled when I am not OK - but it comes out as constant needling and arguing and pushing me to my limits. I know she can't control it and I know how to help her....its just that doing this requires energy that I just can't seem to dredge up. But I have to...I'll head home from work, apologise to her and spend some nice one on one time with her which I know will help.

You are right, if something has happened, I will know about it. I cant stop it from happening, and stressing won't change that. I have an appointment next week with the therapist - I am going to have to learn some anxiety management techniques to get me through this.

53500

Hello Jarp, so sorry you are going through this.

I want to echo the other posters who said take deep, slow breaths. I was told this just last week by my therapist in regard to panic attacks. Take VERY slow breaths. Very slow in, filling up your lungs and abdomen, and then very very slow out, bit by bit. My therapist said you physically cannot have a panic attack when you breath this way.

I'm practicing this. It does not come naturally but it is a very useful technique. I am also looking for anxiety management techniques.

I hope you hear news very soon that gives you peace.