angelchild99

Hello everyone. I am the wife of an alcoholic, who has been married almost 20 years. He has been sober off and on through most of this time. 2 years ago, we lost our firstborn and only son to an accident. Since then, he has been in and out of detox twice. He sobers up for 3 months and starts again. The second time he was in, he was told by the doctor that he is doing damage to his liver. Each time he sobers up, I become hopeful, but always seem to wait for the other shoe to drop. This morning, he went back in for detox, but got his employer involved this time. They are aware of it and he will need to go for follow-up treatment this time, which is something he has refused in the past.

In spite of his going for detox, I find it hard not to feel resentful towards him, even though I realize he is sick, I guess I feel resentful because of all the times we have had to be there for him and take care of him, and he hasn't given much back. Do I sound selfish and crazy?

Debbie

Hi Angelchild!!

Its always amazing how similiar all our stories are.

I think what you are feeling are natural emotions. You have every right to feel them too. We've tip toed around so long worrying about our A, we never had a chance to express how we feel. I have finally begun to express and it feels good.

I am kind of new here too but I have found this to be a great place to come for my own piece/peace of mind

You can be supportive and still be angry.
You need to take your life back. Do whats right for you first.

My hubby just went into detox for the umpteenth time and my head has been a roller coaster this weekend. But I had every right to feel every emotion I felt and there were a lot of them. Still feeling them too.

I don't think we are crazy (may a little lol) but hey even if we are it's still our right.

I hope to see you around here. It really is a great place.

You take care.
Many, many, hugs,
Debbie

angelchild99

Hi Debbie: Thank you for your welcome! I just received a call from the ER that my hubby is at and they want to sign him in for a 28 day treatment program. I know he should, but we are in the process of purchasing a home, etc, and that would make it impossible. They want to put him on disability, which would make his depression and anxiety much worse. They have agreed to admit him to a comprehensive program of 4 days of detox, but he will have to go for daily help after. Without going for follow-up, he will regress. I guess I'm just terrified either way. They feel he is sick enough to be admitted. All I can do is pray.....

((((((Hugs)))))
angelchild99

Debbie

********{Angelchild}}}}}}

I wish you the best. My prayers are there for you and your family. I truly hope everything works out.

I think after care and sticking with the program are big factors in maintaining sobriety. My hubby never stuck with the program. After a while he figured he could do it on his own. He was wrong.

Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Take care.
Many more hugs
Debbie

blufan60

Hi Angelchild,

I was just wondering -- what does your husband want? Is he ready to commit to the 28-day treatment program? I understand other things are going on now -- your purchase of a house. How does this interfere with the treatment he needs? Is it financial? This is a really tough one, but if I were in that situation, as much as I wanted the house, I would put my husband's recovery first if at all possible. Especially if he's willing to do it (that is, not in denial that he needs help). I know I don't know your full story. Anyway, as you said, keep praying for guidance in this issue. I think the real key here is what does your husband want? If he wants treatment and feels ready for it, would it be right to pass it up for a house? Again, I know I don't know all the details. Best of luck in this and know that you're not alone -- we're here to listen.

angelchild99

To be honest, he needs a 28 day program. They have agreed to do it in a short time, as long as he attends daily outpatient services. I spoke with the nurse and she said the last time he was in, he complained a lot and was passive. I got even angrier at that point.

It is financial. I wish I could put his recovery first, but if I do, we may literally lose the roof over our heads. I just don't think it will work and after 3 times, I don't want to get my hopes up. Thank you for being there.

I also have a questions regarding alcoholism and anger. My husband gets really nasty sometimes when he drinks - to the point of violence and punching holes in the walls. If this time in detox doesn't work for him, I am very seriously thinking of taking my daughter and leaving.....

angelchild99

angelchild99

Adding to: He doesn't want the 28 day inpatient program. The nurse said that he is dangerously depressed and needs treatment. I didn't know what to say. I can say "keep him" and he could not stay, right? All I might be doing is bringing a world of hurt down on my head.

angelchild99

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Angelchild!
Welcome to the recovery forum!

I'm with blu. What good is a house if it's a prison you live in with an addict? If your husband thinks this could be the answer for him, you might reconsider.

On the other hand... the one and only thing that will insure his success in quitting is the desire to do so. HIS desire. People quit every day with no program, no rehab... they just quit. If quitting is in his heart, he can do it with the detox. If it's not, he could be in that program for 28 mos. and come back out and use.

Please keep us posted!

Hugs,
Smoke

angelchild99

I agree. It could very easily be my prison. Sorry for unloading so much. You are the first people that I have ever talked about violence in the house with. I guess I have been so deeply ashamed of it, that I haven't gone for help with it and probably should have. Far worse, is that he keeps saying he started drinking after our son was killed. That isn't so. He began 2 months before and our son was so disappointed and angry with his father and they never reconciled that before he was killed. That probably adds to a lot of the resentment and anger I carry around.

angelchild99

smoke gets in my eyes

Guess I was typing while you were posting.
There is no rule that says you have to stick through the detox with him if you are afraid of violence. It's okay, when you have already given someone 50 chances, to say, "you only get 50 chances".

Smoke

Dannygirl

Angel,
You certainly would have every right to be selfish IF that were the situation, but it's not.
You are well within reason (non-intoxicated logic) to be hurt for not having received as much support from him. Sounds like you two have been through alot, and true to form for most alkies, it sounds liek he turned to the bottle.
My suggestion? Start some kind of counselling - Al-anon, grief counselling, something, ANYTHING! Believe, I have now been brooding over the loss of my father for 11 years, and my brother now just a few months, but it has done more harm than good. I have no more answers, no more peace of mind now then I did when these things first happened. The longer you let it build, the more the chance of it boiling over into other aspects of your life.
Good luck and keep me posted... And by the way - I'm just tonight getting ready to go to my first Al-anon meeting.

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**Dannygirl**
AOL Screenname: Phxhags3