lillamy

I absolutely agree with this, and I think maybe you could look into another Al-Anon group, because I'm frankly baffled that an Al-Anon group would focus on talking about the As and their feelings. That never came up in my old family group -- it's like we were too busy dealing with our own feelings and reactions and trying to learn not to be reactive but to, as you say, own our own feelings that the As in question, they were rarely mentioned at all.

And creating a whole new life without the negative influence of alcohol -- I think it's one thing if the A in your life is a spouse, because somehow, those can be replaced (I know that's a horrid thing to say, but still) -- while when it's your children and grandchildren that are the problem... I understand how you must feel disappointed, abandoned, maybe even betrayed? I think I would feel betrayed.

It's heartbreaking that a mother and grandmother needs to distance herself from the children and grandchildren that she has raised and loves. My heart really breaks for you. But I also think what you're doing is healthy -- creating a new context for yourself where you're not forced to rely on them.

redatlanta

You seem to become pretty aggressive when people question you - your initial post was not clear what family you were talking about. I don't see that anyone as attacked you; rather, they have shared their experiences and you have interpreted that to mean that they are judging you because you have not done what they have.

Seems to me that you just want to write what you think and expect everyone to agree with you.

seek

I am speaking of my own feelings, so if people can't validate, then it is best to say nothing (in my opinion). If you are truly someone who has suffered with an alcoholic, hopefully you would be sensitive to how difficult it can be and how a person might just want support - if you don't "get" that - not sure what your motives would be.

And I have cowered from the alcoholics for years - so if I raise up and state my opinion and YOU decide it it "too aggressive" - "sorry" - I am not going to shut up because my feelings are less than squeaky clean and sparkly

HopefulinFLA

Imho, family are not necessarily those to whom you are biologically related. Family can be those with whom you forge lasting, loving bonds.

As an example, I live in a city with a very large gay population. As I've become friends with many of these folks, I've found that often because of their lifestyle, they have very poor and even nonexistent relationships with their FOO. Consequently, many have created families of their choosing with a close knit circle of friends, which function much like traditional families.

Family comes in all shapes and sizes, it doesn't have to fit within Webster's definition.

seek

I wish I could find any kind of simpatico "family" - I tend to be introverted, so I don't meet a lot of people. I am also INTJ which is a small percentage of the population (and often people can't relate to the things I am interested in or think about).

But hopefully I'll get lucky anyhow and somehow create a family.

redatlanta

Case in point.

No one asked you to shut up and no one invalidated what you wrote. Everyone was supporting you. I guess you just don't see it.

NWGRITS

Exactly. No one has told you what to do or invalidated your feelings. We are all offering our experience, strength, and hope to you. But you've thrown yourself under the bus more than once and put words in our mouths. What I gather from reading is that you want the people around you to behave X way, and if they don't then you're not happy. The only person you can control is yourself. You say you're projecting health and wellness onto others, but your behavior and responses here aren't showing a healthy perception of alcoholism or codependency. And that's fine, because we are all in different stages of recovery (or none, as the case may be). That's why we're all here, right?

hopeful4

I have a friend with no family except her teenage children. She has created her own "family" so to speak. Sunday is family day with a bunch of other kids and some other moms. It's super great, everyone cooks together, watches movies and goes to the creek.

While it's not always easy to meet others, sometimes it's worth putting yourself out there for. My X has a cousin that has these big functions at all holidays, no one there is actually related, more just people they have met and invited over b/c they don't have any other family. They have a blast.

What are your interests? I would focus on a list of things I like or have always wanted to do and go from there. If you are doing things you truly like to do, you may find it easier to meet people in those settings b/c you have similar likes and dislikes.

I wish you the best of luck. We are all here to support each other. I know how frustrating it is to feel like all the focus has to be on the alcoholic, it gets very exhausting.

Good Luck! I hope you keep posting!