Understand

Am a little nervous and emotional about this. I'm engaged to a beautiful caring man who I love. We have two babies we both have two kids from previous relationships so 6 kids together. Exhausted from such a big family all with emotional problems of their own.my partner drinks putting all the pressure onto me. He's a great hands on dad who loves us all. Until he drinks he then becomes a bully to the big kids and neglects the babies, and me. You don't get much sleep with a 4 month old baby. I love my fiancé but sometimes I hate him. The money that is waisted on booze. And the neglect of us is destroying me. Any advise on how to detach my feelings of betrayal and disappointment and find the energy to positively give all the kids what they need without feeling too pulled in every direction cos I'm crying out for help for myself! He's not ready to get help he says he can do it alone. Which he can't. I'm trying to be positive in my language to him and stay calm but sometimes I blow my top and point out very bluntly the home truths that he is oblivious to cos he is drunk. I wonder why I'm here with him but I also wonder how I could possibly look after everyone without him.
Any advise from this community would be great.

Bubovski

'Beautiful drunk men' comes across as a contradiction in terms perhaps.
Beaut when sober sounds promising though.......
If he can be shown the harm in his strong drinking it would be good.
Sadly such recognition is a big part of the battle.
If he comes round there are options, including AA.

ladyscribbler

I wasn't able to detach. When I tried my ex escalated what you called "bullying"- he was doing it to my oldest, who was not his son and also to me. This is abuse. It will continue and escalate. My ex was a binge drinker who progressed to the point that he was basically on a continuous binge getting blackout drunk every day. Neglect doesn't even begin to describe it.
No amount of positivity or detachment is going to help you. Those are not long term solutions to staying in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. Especially if he is abusing your children.
This situation is not going to improve, no matter what you do. So long as he is drinking his disease will progress and his bad behaviors will get worse until there is nothing left of the beautiful, wonderful man you sometimes see when he is sober. Great fathers do not bully children.
I have found that my life is much easier now that I'm not trying to take care of a grown man who chooses his addiction over his family. I always have enough money for food and bills because no one is blowing it on booze and public intox fines and bs like that. There is no drama or abuse in my house or my life. No one is screaming and cussing and punching holes in the walls. I'm not scared to leave or come home. I'm free to pursue my interests and raise my kids.
Peace is worth going it alone. At least it is for me.

lillamy

Hi nee -- welcome!

I recognize your story quite a bit. I was also married to a man who would have taken a bullet for me when he was sober, and who would have put one in me when he was drunk. It's difficult and confusing and often feels like you're living with two different people, doesn't it?

Six kids and an alcoholic sounds like an inhuman task for a woman to handle. You must be exhausted, physically and emotionally, especially with a baby as young as four months!

I'm glad you found SR, because there are so many wise folks around here who have been through the wringer with an alcoholic, and found ways to do what they had to do to get through the day. I understand that with six kids, the idea of having to support yourself is daunting. But I think if you hang around here, you may find that there are things you can do to keep yourself sane even in the middle of the insanity that living with an alcoholic is.

I'm glad you're here. Make yourself at home. And trust me, nothing you can say can shock us. We've all been there. (((hugs)))

Understand

Thanks everyone.