Hunting Spiders....
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Hunting Spiders....
This old post came back to my memory recently:
Sometimes, living with active addiction makes us bitter, angry, and resentful people who criticize each and every alcoholic or addict we meet as manipulative, abusive, evil, selfish humans--when in fact, that is not true.
For a long time, I held a great deal of resentment against my stepson for everything he had put his family through. Addiction runs in my family like a thread linking generations, but this young man was the only one who actually threatened people's lives. The anger I felt was enormous and I wanted nothing to do with him or any other alcoholic or addict for that matter--even though I usually have fairly peaceful relationships with the other addicts in my family.
It was perfectly natural for me to feel hurt and outraged by my stepson's behavior.
It was perfectly natural for me to want validation from others...that I had a right to feel angry.
It may have even been natural for me to be angry at all alcoholics and addicts for their behavior when in active addiction.
Once my husband and I established firm boundaries for ourselves, I was only hurting myself when I allowed this anger and outrage to extend to the whole world of addicts...I could see how easily I might have become someone out "hunting spiders".
And wouldn't that have been a complete waste of my time and squandering of my own joy and peace?
Originally Posted by Seren
The man and the spider......
About 10 or so years ago, I saw a story on television about a man and his encounter with a spider.
He came home from a camping trip with his buddies and hung up his sleeping bag and tent to dry and air out on the clothes line before putting them away. He left them there over night and went to retrieve them the next day. During that time, a rather large spider decided the folds of the sleeping bag made a nice, quiet, cozy spot to be, and when the man was removing the bag from the line he was bitten by this spider.
The bite was very painful, but the progression of the venom was even worse. He underwent treatment after treatment for months and months as the pain traveled up and down his arm and he made trip after trip to the doctor's office. The pain and suffering he endured were extraordinary.
He finally healed from his bite, but it changed him. He was bitter and angry and wanted nothing but revenge against not just this particular spider, but ALL spiders of this sort. He became absolutely obsessed and made it his mission in life to completely obliterate this type of spider. So, every night he went outside with his flashlight and other tools and would literally hunt for these spiders and kill each and every one he came across.
About 10 or so years ago, I saw a story on television about a man and his encounter with a spider.
He came home from a camping trip with his buddies and hung up his sleeping bag and tent to dry and air out on the clothes line before putting them away. He left them there over night and went to retrieve them the next day. During that time, a rather large spider decided the folds of the sleeping bag made a nice, quiet, cozy spot to be, and when the man was removing the bag from the line he was bitten by this spider.
The bite was very painful, but the progression of the venom was even worse. He underwent treatment after treatment for months and months as the pain traveled up and down his arm and he made trip after trip to the doctor's office. The pain and suffering he endured were extraordinary.
He finally healed from his bite, but it changed him. He was bitter and angry and wanted nothing but revenge against not just this particular spider, but ALL spiders of this sort. He became absolutely obsessed and made it his mission in life to completely obliterate this type of spider. So, every night he went outside with his flashlight and other tools and would literally hunt for these spiders and kill each and every one he came across.
For a long time, I held a great deal of resentment against my stepson for everything he had put his family through. Addiction runs in my family like a thread linking generations, but this young man was the only one who actually threatened people's lives. The anger I felt was enormous and I wanted nothing to do with him or any other alcoholic or addict for that matter--even though I usually have fairly peaceful relationships with the other addicts in my family.
It was perfectly natural for me to feel hurt and outraged by my stepson's behavior.
It was perfectly natural for me to want validation from others...that I had a right to feel angry.
It may have even been natural for me to be angry at all alcoholics and addicts for their behavior when in active addiction.
Once my husband and I established firm boundaries for ourselves, I was only hurting myself when I allowed this anger and outrage to extend to the whole world of addicts...I could see how easily I might have become someone out "hunting spiders".
And wouldn't that have been a complete waste of my time and squandering of my own joy and peace?
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Wow Seren..thank you. I couldn't have read that at a better time than right now...I've found myself completely shunning anyone that talks about, partakes in, or even jokes about, drinking.
I've got a long way to go to realize that not everyone that drinks is an alcoholic.
I've got a long way to go to realize that not everyone that drinks is an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
I love this.
Fear and anger aren't helpful, but I did get bitten by one of those spiders (an addict) once, and it is up to me to protect myself and make sure I don't get too close to one again, now that I know the signs.
Fear and anger aren't helpful, but I did get bitten by one of those spiders (an addict) once, and it is up to me to protect myself and make sure I don't get too close to one again, now that I know the signs.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Yes, as an alcoholic in recovery, I did find my feelings getting hurt lately on this forum because I felt I was being overgeneralized into "the enemy" though I had not done so many of the things described which were pretty bad, I admit.
As someone who is a triple winner, I also understand the anger and resentment I felt as a family member who paid a terrible price for other people's addictions.
But in the end, that toxic attitude just hurt me and I had to let it go to heal.
I wish that for all of us--addicts, family, and friends
As someone who is a triple winner, I also understand the anger and resentment I felt as a family member who paid a terrible price for other people's addictions.
But in the end, that toxic attitude just hurt me and I had to let it go to heal.
I wish that for all of us--addicts, family, and friends
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,640
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
But in the end, that toxic attitude just hurt me and I had to let it go to heal.
I wish that for all of us--addicts, family, and friends
I wish that for all of us--addicts, family, and friends
I've said this before, but hopefully it bears repeating. I'm not a 'broad generalizer' in general (I hope) but there are patterns with addicts that are seen over and over, we all know what they are pretty much.
I would hope that people here who are healing will not feel that this is an insult to them personally.
I would say it's more like when someone steps in to Newcomers and says I am experiencing this and this - was it like this for you guys. Well half will have a shared experience and half won't (give or take) but the patterns ARE there, whether that's recovery from a drug, being addicted or having a friend of family member in your life who is addicted.
That's not personal. We are here to share those stories, good and bad. The pain here is just as real as the addicts pain and it's just as serious and the results can be hugely harmful to the families and sometimes replies will mean stepping on toes and while I think we should all be cognizant of that, it will happen, unfortunately.
For an addict the correlation is drug to person, for the F&F the correlation is, unfortunately - drug, person to person. That's never really pretty.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Agreed trailmix--I am "lucky" enough to have multiple perspectives given my mother's alcoholism, my spouse's alcohol problems, and my own.
I didn't take it personally so much as feel that the discussion was really getting overgeneralized about "all addicts do this" "all addicts do that" and that's just as limiting as saying "all family members of addicts do this or that".
People and contexts are unique--sharing the the pain is critical and getting things into the light is the first step towards healing. I get we need to see these stories to find ourselves within them to get traction to get out.
I don't want pretty as much as truth, but the truth is no group is ever an "all"
I love this forum, and it has really helped me first as a family member but also to understand the harm I caused in active addiction.
I didn't take it personally so much as feel that the discussion was really getting overgeneralized about "all addicts do this" "all addicts do that" and that's just as limiting as saying "all family members of addicts do this or that".
People and contexts are unique--sharing the the pain is critical and getting things into the light is the first step towards healing. I get we need to see these stories to find ourselves within them to get traction to get out.
I don't want pretty as much as truth, but the truth is no group is ever an "all"
I love this forum, and it has really helped me first as a family member but also to understand the harm I caused in active addiction.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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I just keep revisiting a topic that I just caught that Brene Brown discusses-having boundaries makes her a kinder person.
I am really taking that to heart the last few weeks and it is amazing how much better I am able to respond to loved ones, no to everyone when I keep that in my mind.
This also is now going to go into that folder of thought.
P.S. Does everyone see that Brene is going to be on a Netflix series? Very excited.
I am really taking that to heart the last few weeks and it is amazing how much better I am able to respond to loved ones, no to everyone when I keep that in my mind.
This also is now going to go into that folder of thought.
P.S. Does everyone see that Brene is going to be on a Netflix series? Very excited.
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