sisters5

Now my sister has called and has been admitted to the hospital. Vomiting up blood and very unstable. She called my sister who lives 1000 miles away and told her. She lives 30 min from me but did not call me.....and part of me is relieved! Should I be going up to her and check things out? Part of me doesn't want ANYTHING to do with this but she is my sister and I love her. Please help!!!!!!

hopeful4

I think it would be appropriate to send a card that says just what you said. You are my sister, I love you.

There is a big difference between enabling and encouraging. At this point I would wish her well, tell her to call you if she wishes and offer my love.

She did reach out to someone and is not in this alone.

XXX

SparkleKitty

Hopeful4's suggestion is terrific. You let her know you love her without putting your peace of mind at risk.

Please know there are no "should"s here. Whatever you WANT to do is okay as long as you are paying attention to yourself and doing what is best for you. No one will judge you if you can't handle her in your life right now -- and if they do, they are not someone you need in your life.

sisters5

Well, my sister has a torn esophagus and a hiatal hernia. They did an endoscopy yesterday and did a biopsy on something but I'm not sure what. She is full of IV's and they won't even let her get out of bed. I got this info from my sister who lives in Kentucky and called her. I haven't been able to bring myself to call and don't know if I should. I only live 30 min away and should go to the hospital but can't seem to bring myself to do that either. This is SO TOTALLY out of character for me!!!! I don't even feel the usual pit in my stomach or have hives on my chest from the news. What is wrong with me????? She is my sister. Not even two years older than me and I can't seem to feel anything. I'm worried....don't get me wrong but this is the first time I haven't been a wreck when she is sick or needs something. Why am I not filled with emotion. I'm here at work like it is just any other day. Usually I would have called in sick and been at the hospital first thing in the morning. Have I become the cold hearted bitch she says I am? God knows I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I want her to be well and happy. The sister I used to know. Even if I go up there what can I do? Do I wait for her to reach out to me? I am so confussed!!!!

biminiblue

Sounds like you reached your bottom. That's a good thing. That's when we decide to do something different.

She is in good hands. Send flowers or a card. Call if you feel strong enough. She will be released soon and you will need to have a plan. Can you find an AlAnon meeting and go to it today?

Hawkeye13

Near the end of my mother's endless relapses and hospitilizations I got physically
ill at the thought of going to the hospital and dealing with her blaming and issues
and complaints and guilt.

I stopped going and would call the nurses station to check on her.
Take care of yourself, especially if you've been the one on the front line most of the time
due to geography. That was what happened to me too.

Send the card if you need to.

SparkleKitty

It can feel terrible when we start putting our own sanity above others' drama -- at first. Rest assured it is normal and healthy to NOT be tearing your life apart because something happened to your sister.

It does not mean you do not love her or wish her well. It just means you are recognizing that she is a separate individual, with the right to live her life the way she chooses. Please don't beat yourself up because you're not feeling the emotions of an unhealthy, enmeshed person. Take care of yourself.

redatlanta

This is how we become when WE get sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's healthy. There is nothing wrong with you.

You cannot do anything. When and if sister decides to do something to help herself you will have opportunity to encourage that. Until then letting her drown in her self-made quagmire is the most loving thing you can do for her.

Ursula745

Hell, no, you are not to blame. Not one bit!

Seriously, all you siblings need to be on the same page, your brother included. I would talk to him and help him understand why his wife said no, and why it's not fair to her to have to take care of his GROWN sister.

And, whoever can't get on board, well, that's not your fault or your concern, either.

PLEASE take care of yourself and your family. She will figure it out, or she won't. Either way, it's her choice.

Good for you for standing your ground.

Ursula745

If you don't want to go to the hospital, then don't. I think that's fine. I like the suggestion of sending her a card, if you want to keep your distance for your sanity. You do what you WANT to do. There are no "shoulds".

And, you are not a cold-hearted bitch. Far from it...

sisters5

Sister P is getting out of Hospital today. Sister L text me last night (from Kentucky when I live in Upstate NY) and said she was trying to order groceries for Sister P on line but they needed payment upon delivery. I text her back and asked her if she was asking me to go up to Sister P's and pay for the groceries. She started giving me a hard time because I wasn't willing to help. Said Sister P would get sick again without our help and that I was abandoning her! Sister L lives a thousand miles away and hasn't been home since sister P lost her job 7 years ago. They got in a fight because sister P would not have her bills sent to sister L about 5 years ago so sister L said she was DONE. She and Sister P didn't speak for 2.5 years......until this past winter. Now all of a sudden I"M the one who is not willing to help. If they need help THEY NEED TO ASK......don't just hint around. Sister L said she doesn't want to be a part of the rest of us anymore. I don't see her taking time off to fly up here and help. What am I supposed to do???? Should I stand my ground. After being called a miserable BITCH.....among other things over the years......I'm tired. I can't do this ANYMORE!!! Why am I now the BAD GUY?????

choublak

So, she came by, asked to stay at your place, and then proceeded to call you names.

Remember this whenever you start to feel guilty.

SparkleKitty

You are only the Bad Guy if you allow yourself to be. Breaking this pattern of dysfunctional behavior depends not on other people learning to behave differently but on YOU following through on your decision to stop being a part of it. Yes, it might mean that your sister in Kentucky thinks less of you. From what you have described, I am not sure what you are losing there.

It might also mean that your sister close by learns to arrange and pay for her own groceries in lieu of not eating. Or that your sister in Kentucky figures out another way to enable that doesn't include you. If this is your choice, you need to let go of both of those outcomes.

Mags1

Hi sisters5, I just wanted to send a message to you that my heart goes out to you.

Even though your sisters are flesh and blood you each have your own minds to decide your future, your life. No one else's life. We come in it alone and leave it alone.

Whatever you feel, in your gut, in your mind, follow it. You aren't a bad person for not giving in to sister p and not running around for sister L. They are grown ups. Yes, they may have their problems and that is for them to deal with, you have done your share of enabling and helping.

It's your time now, time for you to take care of you, sisters5, without guilt or remorse.

Sending you my love Mags xxxx

Hawkeye13

This is a way of sucking you back in.
My brother, who lives in Australia, did this repeatedly with my mother.
Arranging for something that I had to follow through on because he "couldn't be there"
but it meant more work and involvement for me with him getting off guilt-free.
Don't buy in.

If you don't want to get back on the enabling crazy train, stand your ground.

Sister L walked away for 2.5 years. Tell her to call you again in that amount of time.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

AnvilheadII

i can't recall once ever in my life where somebody else told somebody else to order MY groceries. and i'm 54.

NO is a complete sentence. andyou have the inherent absolute RIGHT to have that be your answer at any time for any reason.

CaringScared

I am going to repeat this in my head ad nauseum for the rest of the day.

m1k3

One of the best things I learned was the 3 C's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

It's ok to take care of yourself no matter what anyone else says. Whatever she does with her life is her choice and you don't have to let her drag you down with her. If she wants help she can find it. If she doesn't want help that doesn't mean you are responsible.

Take care of your self. You are worth it.

Your friend,

sisters5

Latest Update! Sister L is no longer mad at me because she has now experienced being abused by Sister P. Two hour conference call with Sister P last night. She got out of the hospital and when she got home there was an eviction notice on her door. Called Sister T crying saying she was vomiting again. Sister T and I called her back on a conference call. She says she will go live in her car. She was starting to question WHY I hadn't gone to see her in the hospital. She has no idea of how she treats all of us. What can she NOT see. What do I do? Do I go take her to social services? Take her to the pharmacy to fill her meds? I feel like a terrible person just going about my business, going to WORK, going to get my hair done while she is suffering but I can't bring myself to rearrange my life to run to her rescue. Venting here.....with people that understand is so incredibally helpful. Please advise!!!!!!

m1k3

If she is living in her car then she can get herself to social services and to the pharmacy.

I know this is hard but sometimes you just have to let go and turn her over to her higher power.

((((hugs))))

Your friend,