How do you let go of your fears for them?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
How do you let go of your fears for them?
Things aren't going well for AH, he's out of the house and I have a sneaking suspicion he is about to lose his job.
I won't have him in the house after our altercation on Sunday.hes been staying in a hotel.
I know this disease is progressive and he's not interested in getting any help.
I believe he might just end up on the street.
I keep thinking back to the man he was, and still LOOKS like, and it breaks my heart to think of him cold, hungry, without shelter etc.
I know there is nothing I can do and it is not my responsibility to look after him. I know a part of him hitting rock bottom (if he ever does) is losing all his support systems, everyone that enables him, his home, family, friends etc....and that this might be a part of that journey. Or not.
But how to I let go of my anxiety and sorrow and fears that this man who was so beautiful will end up the stereotypical homeless drunk 'bum' on the street?
I have is beautiful photo of him bathing our premmie son on his 2 month birthday when he was first allowed to have a bath, and the look on AH's face is so tender.....I'm still having trouble reconciling that picture with the man he's become....and the man he could become as his disease progresses.
My resolve to put the kids and myself first is still strong.....but I am having anxiety and fear when I think about him now, and in the future.....
I won't have him in the house after our altercation on Sunday.hes been staying in a hotel.
I know this disease is progressive and he's not interested in getting any help.
I believe he might just end up on the street.
I keep thinking back to the man he was, and still LOOKS like, and it breaks my heart to think of him cold, hungry, without shelter etc.
I know there is nothing I can do and it is not my responsibility to look after him. I know a part of him hitting rock bottom (if he ever does) is losing all his support systems, everyone that enables him, his home, family, friends etc....and that this might be a part of that journey. Or not.
But how to I let go of my anxiety and sorrow and fears that this man who was so beautiful will end up the stereotypical homeless drunk 'bum' on the street?
I have is beautiful photo of him bathing our premmie son on his 2 month birthday when he was first allowed to have a bath, and the look on AH's face is so tender.....I'm still having trouble reconciling that picture with the man he's become....and the man he could become as his disease progresses.
My resolve to put the kids and myself first is still strong.....but I am having anxiety and fear when I think about him now, and in the future.....
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
I am very sorry you are going through all this. If your AH were sick with a more traditional disease, you'd be there in a heartbeat. This disease is "cunning and baffling" all right.
One thing I really try to do, in coping with something similar regarding our adult son, is to try, very hard, to avoid "horribilizing" around him. That's my mom's term for projecting into the future the very worst and most devastating consequences that could be, and then worrying myself sick about those outcomes.
It could be that your AH will wind up on the street, sleeping under a bridge or at the rescue mission or in jail or dead, but it probably won't. I'm not saying the outcome will be wonderful, but it probably won't be the very worst thing that could possibly happen, either. And on the other side, if you accept him back, then you KNOW what's going to happen, which is that the alcoholic merry-go-round will start right back up and you'll step right back on it. And the only thing that will have happened is that the day he starts his recovery will have been postponed a little farther into the future.
Look, I say this at least as much for myself as for you. Letting go of my son, so he can cope with his disease and its consequences, feels sometimes like a knife grinding in my stomach. When that happens, I breathe deeply and remember, all I can worry about today, is today. It also helps me to focus on other really important things, like my other children and my marriage - things that have suffered because of such an intensive focus on our son. I know you will want to do that, too (focus on your children).
Hang in there!
Jane
One thing I really try to do, in coping with something similar regarding our adult son, is to try, very hard, to avoid "horribilizing" around him. That's my mom's term for projecting into the future the very worst and most devastating consequences that could be, and then worrying myself sick about those outcomes.
It could be that your AH will wind up on the street, sleeping under a bridge or at the rescue mission or in jail or dead, but it probably won't. I'm not saying the outcome will be wonderful, but it probably won't be the very worst thing that could possibly happen, either. And on the other side, if you accept him back, then you KNOW what's going to happen, which is that the alcoholic merry-go-round will start right back up and you'll step right back on it. And the only thing that will have happened is that the day he starts his recovery will have been postponed a little farther into the future.
Look, I say this at least as much for myself as for you. Letting go of my son, so he can cope with his disease and its consequences, feels sometimes like a knife grinding in my stomach. When that happens, I breathe deeply and remember, all I can worry about today, is today. It also helps me to focus on other really important things, like my other children and my marriage - things that have suffered because of such an intensive focus on our son. I know you will want to do that, too (focus on your children).
Hang in there!
Jane
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
this is exactly what happend to me when i was drinking
i lost my kids, my home all my money everything gone i was so lucky to get a hostel place that provided me with a flat
i still kept on drinking and was so close to being kicked out and being totaly homeless
that's what happens everyday somewhere in the world its the normal path for alcoholics who dont get of the drink in time, its real life as people who love us give up on us
and who can blame them ?
the good news for me is i ended up finally getting off the drink, the only people who wanted to know me were aa people
and the helped me all the way along but i was ready for that help
since that time 10 years ago i got my kids back and became a single parent dad as there mum is also an alcoholic and ran off with another drunk with the same sort of patten etc
my son sadly died just 2 years ago i never picked up a drink and as a single parent i was the only person he had in his life as his mum is just to bad now with the drinking the kids have disowned her etc
like you i wish she would just sober up not for me as thats a long time dead but for our kids who miss the old mum
this is what drink does to family's i am afraid, if people stop in time they can avoid it but if they dont then its going to get worse and they lose more and more until finaly it will be death and in some cases its a better option as the hell they go through drinking daily and there brains all soaked with booze its a nightmare
you can only look after your kids here and if you hubby is going to have to go down then thats how it has to be
i hope he really can find the help he needs before its to late
my heart bleeds for you as to watch someone you love change into what they now are is heartbreaking but you must be strong and let whatever pain is coming to your partner happen as you never know it could turn out to be the best thing in the world for him like it was for me
but not all are as lucky as i was and sadly that is also a fact
good luck to you
i lost my kids, my home all my money everything gone i was so lucky to get a hostel place that provided me with a flat
i still kept on drinking and was so close to being kicked out and being totaly homeless
that's what happens everyday somewhere in the world its the normal path for alcoholics who dont get of the drink in time, its real life as people who love us give up on us
and who can blame them ?
the good news for me is i ended up finally getting off the drink, the only people who wanted to know me were aa people
and the helped me all the way along but i was ready for that help
since that time 10 years ago i got my kids back and became a single parent dad as there mum is also an alcoholic and ran off with another drunk with the same sort of patten etc
my son sadly died just 2 years ago i never picked up a drink and as a single parent i was the only person he had in his life as his mum is just to bad now with the drinking the kids have disowned her etc
like you i wish she would just sober up not for me as thats a long time dead but for our kids who miss the old mum
this is what drink does to family's i am afraid, if people stop in time they can avoid it but if they dont then its going to get worse and they lose more and more until finaly it will be death and in some cases its a better option as the hell they go through drinking daily and there brains all soaked with booze its a nightmare
you can only look after your kids here and if you hubby is going to have to go down then thats how it has to be
i hope he really can find the help he needs before its to late
my heart bleeds for you as to watch someone you love change into what they now are is heartbreaking but you must be strong and let whatever pain is coming to your partner happen as you never know it could turn out to be the best thing in the world for him like it was for me
but not all are as lucky as i was and sadly that is also a fact
good luck to you
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Jarp.
Someone here called all of that worrying about possible cascading events 'future-tripping.' I love that term bc I truly do trip out when I get going.
The other phrase that I found very helpful here was "Worrying is like praying for what you don't want." It just helped me see that my mental energy can be spent doing something a bit more positive and worthwhile.
Now I still future trip. But I recognize it and try to stop it faster than I ever used to.
Someone here called all of that worrying about possible cascading events 'future-tripping.' I love that term bc I truly do trip out when I get going.
The other phrase that I found very helpful here was "Worrying is like praying for what you don't want." It just helped me see that my mental energy can be spent doing something a bit more positive and worthwhile.
Now I still future trip. But I recognize it and try to stop it faster than I ever used to.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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jarp---this might sound a bit callous to you, right now---but, as your grieving of the loss of the relationship as you wanted it to play out......and, as you are able to accept the reality of what is.....you won't be tortured by your intensified sense of guilt, like you are, today.
This will take some time...but, your perceptions will shift.
If you were in a AA meeting of the long-timers, and asked how many found themselves virtually or actually "on the street"---you would be shocked at how many hands would go up!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
This will take some time...but, your perceptions will shift.
If you were in a AA meeting of the long-timers, and asked how many found themselves virtually or actually "on the street"---you would be shocked at how many hands would go up!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
But how to I let go of my anxiety and sorrow and fears that this man who was so beautiful will end up the stereotypical homeless drunk 'bum' on the street?
When it comes to my feelings about his eventual fate, I find that time really heals wounds, and that when I started feeling sorry for him, it was because I had somehow put away the pain he caused while we were married.
What helps me remember my reasons for leaving him is not so much what he did to me -- that, I think I'm well into the process of forgiving. But when I am reminded -- as I am almost every day -- of the damage he has done to our children, I am also reminded that it is not my doing, that he is where he is. It is his choices that have led him there.
I don't want him to die homeless and alone on the street. I don't want anyone to. But four years after leaving him, I don't view him with any more or less compassion than any other person who for whatever reason has ended up on the streets.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
"I keep thinking back to the man he was, and still LOOKS like, and it breaks my heart to think of him cold, hungry, without shelter etc."
I know these fears, and so did the alcoholic in my life. They were used against me several times.
As the alcoholic plane started to crash, I encountered an interaction between my alcoholic friend and some homeless people on the street. It made me aware that behind the cracking shell of a middleclass northern american my friend was already one of them.
I know these fears, and so did the alcoholic in my life. They were used against me several times.
As the alcoholic plane started to crash, I encountered an interaction between my alcoholic friend and some homeless people on the street. It made me aware that behind the cracking shell of a middleclass northern american my friend was already one of them.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I stayed so long with XABF because I truly believed that he needed me in order to get better, that if I wasn't there for him, then he'd never get sober and he'd never be the man that I knew he was inside.
Finally, though, I realized that I could not be that for him - that wasn't my place, it wasn't my job, and the more I tried to do for him the less he did for himself. The fact that I was trying to save him meant that he felt comfortable blaming me when he kept doing the same things over and over again. He would yell at me and insult me because I did not make sure he drank enough water at work and he got drunk instead and spent the afternoon sleeping in his office - but each trip he made to his car to retrieve the whiskey hidden in the door meant passing two water fountains AND the cooler for the water club that HE organized. If that wasn't enough of a reminder for him, what in the world could I do to change it?
The truth of the matter is that this path is up to him, and sometimes the most we can do for them is love them at a distance.
I finally left XABF, one drunken night the day before Christmas Eve after he woke up drooling on the floor of my apartment to yell in my half-asleep face about how dare I let the hot dog I had made him for dinner five hours prior go cold and why hadn't I disowned my parents for not buying him a Christmas present. There was a lot after that, me working to accept the fact that I had to leave, him feeling me pulling away and doing what he could to keep me under his control, but eventually I pulled away and I held firm and I hoped and feared about what would happen to him next - the job? the street?
After a couple months of haphazard stalking on his part (once a month, to the day, like clockwork) he stopped. I waited, convinced that I would hear the bad news, but nothing happened. I learned (several years later) that he got sober and really put a lot of work into AA and helping others. This was the man he used to be, the man I knew he still had inside, and the man that he couldn't be as long as I was there to be his scapegoat. This was the person he was meant to be.
Sadly, he has since passed away. Cancer, of all things! Certainly not the ending I was expecting... it was a good lesson for me. What I expected to happen never did; what I never expected to happen came quickly.
And what matters most is that he is at peace now. He really did have a kind soul and he loved to help people - I owe a lot to him, I truly do.
He also had too much of his abusive alcoholic father in him, and that good side and bad side were always fighting it out.
He was both sides of that, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and just as the character in that book, they could not coincide peacefully between themselves, and something had to give.
He is at peace now, and my departure was one of the things that he needed in order to reach that point in his life. I had to let go, and let him learn how to do what he needed to do on his own. It had to be his responsibility, not mine - and he needed to recognize that, as well.
I guess what I'm trying to say, in a very long-winded manner, is that you are doing the right thing, and you don't know what's going to happen - nobody does, not him, not you, nobody. Anything can happen, but first you have to let it happen - and that means letting go.
(((HUGS))) Hang in there. (((HUGS)))
Finally, though, I realized that I could not be that for him - that wasn't my place, it wasn't my job, and the more I tried to do for him the less he did for himself. The fact that I was trying to save him meant that he felt comfortable blaming me when he kept doing the same things over and over again. He would yell at me and insult me because I did not make sure he drank enough water at work and he got drunk instead and spent the afternoon sleeping in his office - but each trip he made to his car to retrieve the whiskey hidden in the door meant passing two water fountains AND the cooler for the water club that HE organized. If that wasn't enough of a reminder for him, what in the world could I do to change it?
The truth of the matter is that this path is up to him, and sometimes the most we can do for them is love them at a distance.
I finally left XABF, one drunken night the day before Christmas Eve after he woke up drooling on the floor of my apartment to yell in my half-asleep face about how dare I let the hot dog I had made him for dinner five hours prior go cold and why hadn't I disowned my parents for not buying him a Christmas present. There was a lot after that, me working to accept the fact that I had to leave, him feeling me pulling away and doing what he could to keep me under his control, but eventually I pulled away and I held firm and I hoped and feared about what would happen to him next - the job? the street?
After a couple months of haphazard stalking on his part (once a month, to the day, like clockwork) he stopped. I waited, convinced that I would hear the bad news, but nothing happened. I learned (several years later) that he got sober and really put a lot of work into AA and helping others. This was the man he used to be, the man I knew he still had inside, and the man that he couldn't be as long as I was there to be his scapegoat. This was the person he was meant to be.
Sadly, he has since passed away. Cancer, of all things! Certainly not the ending I was expecting... it was a good lesson for me. What I expected to happen never did; what I never expected to happen came quickly.
And what matters most is that he is at peace now. He really did have a kind soul and he loved to help people - I owe a lot to him, I truly do.
He also had too much of his abusive alcoholic father in him, and that good side and bad side were always fighting it out.
He was both sides of that, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and just as the character in that book, they could not coincide peacefully between themselves, and something had to give.
He is at peace now, and my departure was one of the things that he needed in order to reach that point in his life. I had to let go, and let him learn how to do what he needed to do on his own. It had to be his responsibility, not mine - and he needed to recognize that, as well.
I guess what I'm trying to say, in a very long-winded manner, is that you are doing the right thing, and you don't know what's going to happen - nobody does, not him, not you, nobody. Anything can happen, but first you have to let it happen - and that means letting go.
(((HUGS))) Hang in there. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
But how to I let go of my anxiety and sorrow and fears that this man who was so beautiful will end up the stereotypical homeless drunk 'bum' on the street?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am struggling with this myself. It's so hard to watch someone you love self-destruct. I have gotten better about taking care of myself and letting go of the worry for him. It's hard especially because I worry about what it would do to the kids. It really helps me to read this board and see others going through similar things and hear such good advice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: virginia
Posts: 54
Jarp, I can relate to exactly what you are saying because that's where I'm at. If it wasn't for Al-Anon and this site, I probably would have lost it. I'm sad for you and I hope things get better. What works for me is living "One day at a Time" which is one of the Al-Anon slogans i love. Praying every night to my higher power. Just like someone said, we cannot predict the future. Worry makes us think of the worst scenarios that may not even ever happen. I love him but from a distance now. The only person I can change is myself. And that right there is not easy but can be done!!! 
It's amazing how similiar our stories are. That's why i love this site because you are not alone.
It's amazing how similiar our stories are. That's why i love this site because you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
I am sad that your heart is breaking over this, you seem like such a sweet and caring person. Truth be told, from my experience which seems so similar to yours (I even remember the bath and photo of our little baby with his dad) I thought that he'd be homeless etc too.. he had no money when I kicked him out.. it didn't take him very long to find people to move in with who were naive, really intelligent, well connected, attractive, cool and fun...who he could still party with and create a new life with mind you! That was the worst part.. it was as though his life improved so much whilst I was at home worried about him!!!!! To add more shock to my horror he moved into 5 different locations in the space of a year.. so he was very good at bouncing back , you'd be surprised at how easy it is for them to get on their feet if their in survival mode, its actually very confronting and almost insulting because they were never that efficient when we needed them. I don't believe your ex will be homeless, I believe he will be fine on the home front.. the hard part for you is accepting his choice.. that's the most difficult to digest and the most hurtful.
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