I'm stuck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I'm stuck.
Good morning y’all,
I need a little help with something. I left my AW 3 years ago, moved to Memphis from NJ and am doing great with my recovery. I enjoy my life, have developed self-esteem, reconnected with my daughters family and grandchildren, found a new job and apartment and I am in a really good place in my head.
My issue is that I can’t seem to pull the trigger on the divorce and I don’t understand why. I’m providing very little in the way of support to her now and we have both moved on.
However, whenever I think about talking to a lawyer and finishing this I feel anxious. To be honest what I feel is fear, fear that I will be creating a ****-storm, fear that something that was once a major part of my life will be over and just plain old fear.
I don’t understand why. We seldom talk, I have nothing to do with her or her life, for all intents we are already divorced. I’m stuck.
I think I’m just going to have to suck it up, go to the lawyer and get this over with. Any advice on how to get over this hump and take some action?
Any and all answers will be appreciated.
Thanks,
Your friend,
I need a little help with something. I left my AW 3 years ago, moved to Memphis from NJ and am doing great with my recovery. I enjoy my life, have developed self-esteem, reconnected with my daughters family and grandchildren, found a new job and apartment and I am in a really good place in my head.
My issue is that I can’t seem to pull the trigger on the divorce and I don’t understand why. I’m providing very little in the way of support to her now and we have both moved on.
However, whenever I think about talking to a lawyer and finishing this I feel anxious. To be honest what I feel is fear, fear that I will be creating a ****-storm, fear that something that was once a major part of my life will be over and just plain old fear.
I don’t understand why. We seldom talk, I have nothing to do with her or her life, for all intents we are already divorced. I’m stuck.
I think I’m just going to have to suck it up, go to the lawyer and get this over with. Any advice on how to get over this hump and take some action?
Any and all answers will be appreciated.
Thanks,
Your friend,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mik3----here's and idea for you.....how about searching out a well-seasoned therapist--one a bit longer in the tooth.....and tell that therapist what you have just told us. Ask for support and help with this last bit of formality.
I would predict that this would take only a few meetings. You must have some shred of baggage stuck under the old rubble somewhere......
At least, that is what I would do if I were in your shoes.....
dandylion
I would predict that this would take only a few meetings. You must have some shred of baggage stuck under the old rubble somewhere......
At least, that is what I would do if I were in your shoes.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Did you do a legal separation?
In my case, I did not want to take the chance that my ex would cause any further financial damage to me. As much as I didn't want to be the Bad Guy, I wanted to protect myself more.
I don't know if you are thinking about a new relationship in the future or not, but if I were to meet a guy and he wasn't divorced yet, that would be a huge red flag/dealbreaker for me.
In my case, I did not want to take the chance that my ex would cause any further financial damage to me. As much as I didn't want to be the Bad Guy, I wanted to protect myself more.
I don't know if you are thinking about a new relationship in the future or not, but if I were to meet a guy and he wasn't divorced yet, that would be a huge red flag/dealbreaker for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
The fear of creating a ****storm, that part you're just going to have to suck up and get over. Because it may or may not be a **** storm, and you can't control whether it turns into one or not.
The just plain old general fear, and the fear of letting the final pieces go -- I agree with dandylion that those may be things that would be good to have a therapist help reframe for you.
I think it may be easy to get stuck when you're feeling like you've really made progress and things are really good -- and you don't want to rock that boat.
If you're really leading separate lives and have little or nothing to do with each other, your marriage might be a security blanket for you. You know, you don't have to consider making any moves towards deciding whether you want to continue being single or whether you may like to date, because you're married. Maybe letting that security blanket go is what you need for the next step in your recovery?
The just plain old general fear, and the fear of letting the final pieces go -- I agree with dandylion that those may be things that would be good to have a therapist help reframe for you.
I think it may be easy to get stuck when you're feeling like you've really made progress and things are really good -- and you don't want to rock that boat.
If you're really leading separate lives and have little or nothing to do with each other, your marriage might be a security blanket for you. You know, you don't have to consider making any moves towards deciding whether you want to continue being single or whether you may like to date, because you're married. Maybe letting that security blanket go is what you need for the next step in your recovery?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
All of the above posters make good sense.
You need to find closure, and I agree there's something else to process.
Also, you keep the door effectively shut on any new serious relationship as long
as you are still legally entangled with your AW
Maybe there is a connection there--maybe that's what you need a quality therapist to
help you dig out. I would think there is a big "fear factor" for finding a new relationship
given what you've been through.
However, from reading your many helpful posts to others, and about your new
life in Memphis, I think it may be time. . .
You need to find closure, and I agree there's something else to process.
Also, you keep the door effectively shut on any new serious relationship as long
as you are still legally entangled with your AW
Maybe there is a connection there--maybe that's what you need a quality therapist to
help you dig out. I would think there is a big "fear factor" for finding a new relationship
given what you've been through.
However, from reading your many helpful posts to others, and about your new
life in Memphis, I think it may be time. . .
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Mike, my feelings about leaving my husband after 20 years of marriage were very complex, and ebbed and flowed.
I guess if you imagine a spiral, in the beginning I was standing in the very center at the starting point of the spiral. The marriage was at that moment, hostile, horrible, unbearable, and the pain and self-destruction of staying married propelled me out. It was very intense, very connected. But I was gone. The arc of the spiral continued outward, away from our marriage, our relationship.
Then as time went by, the spiral trended back in toward the center, yet with more distance. My connection intensified as we tried to negotiate through a horrendous conflicted divorce, then the spiral led me outward again after we finally reached agreement.
Then when the divorce went through, I came back closer to the center, though removed further in immediacy and intensity. Again, as we prepared the house to be sold.
Each time it surprises me how deep my grief is, even knowing that I did what I needed to, even knowing that what I grieve doesn't even really exist anymore. My ex husband now has apologized to me and asked me to return many times, and yet, I see that while the surface looks different now, the deep veins of discontent and devastation are still beneath, and would surface should I go back.
The most recent time is when he offered me perennials from my old garden, a labor of love for me, part of what kept me sane. He told me I should come see how gorgeous the garden is, in the glory of the poppies and the fullness of the raspberry and pink and white peonies.
So, I guess, ending things so often spirals me back to the beginnings, and sometimes it dips me deep into the unexpected feelings of love and loss that I still have, will probably, after 20 years of marriage, always have. While I don't relish the remembering of the bad times, and can now let them go more and more, it is excruciating to me to see silhouette of the good times
In the end, for me, going through this is healing and better than living on the surface of apparent and superficial resolution. It isn't easy, but each time I emerge, I am happier and more solid as I build a new foundation for my life forward. And the regret for what could have been diminishes a bit more.
While I know that the death of a spouse is devastating and the loss profound, sometimes I think that it would have been easier than to have made the choice to leave and make it permanent, make it stick.
Death IS. Period. No one chooses it. No one is responsible for their partner dying. Making the decision to leave, especially after so long together, has lots of overtones of ambivalence, self doubt, guilt. It needs a very deep breath, and a straightening of the spine, and the will to say "this is the best I can see, the best I can do", and go on with it.
And for me, as Lillamy and others have said, it frees me more each I time I traverse that ever-extending spiral, to create my future.
ShootingStar1
I guess if you imagine a spiral, in the beginning I was standing in the very center at the starting point of the spiral. The marriage was at that moment, hostile, horrible, unbearable, and the pain and self-destruction of staying married propelled me out. It was very intense, very connected. But I was gone. The arc of the spiral continued outward, away from our marriage, our relationship.
Then as time went by, the spiral trended back in toward the center, yet with more distance. My connection intensified as we tried to negotiate through a horrendous conflicted divorce, then the spiral led me outward again after we finally reached agreement.
Then when the divorce went through, I came back closer to the center, though removed further in immediacy and intensity. Again, as we prepared the house to be sold.
Each time it surprises me how deep my grief is, even knowing that I did what I needed to, even knowing that what I grieve doesn't even really exist anymore. My ex husband now has apologized to me and asked me to return many times, and yet, I see that while the surface looks different now, the deep veins of discontent and devastation are still beneath, and would surface should I go back.
The most recent time is when he offered me perennials from my old garden, a labor of love for me, part of what kept me sane. He told me I should come see how gorgeous the garden is, in the glory of the poppies and the fullness of the raspberry and pink and white peonies.
So, I guess, ending things so often spirals me back to the beginnings, and sometimes it dips me deep into the unexpected feelings of love and loss that I still have, will probably, after 20 years of marriage, always have. While I don't relish the remembering of the bad times, and can now let them go more and more, it is excruciating to me to see silhouette of the good times
In the end, for me, going through this is healing and better than living on the surface of apparent and superficial resolution. It isn't easy, but each time I emerge, I am happier and more solid as I build a new foundation for my life forward. And the regret for what could have been diminishes a bit more.
While I know that the death of a spouse is devastating and the loss profound, sometimes I think that it would have been easier than to have made the choice to leave and make it permanent, make it stick.
Death IS. Period. No one chooses it. No one is responsible for their partner dying. Making the decision to leave, especially after so long together, has lots of overtones of ambivalence, self doubt, guilt. It needs a very deep breath, and a straightening of the spine, and the will to say "this is the best I can see, the best I can do", and go on with it.
And for me, as Lillamy and others have said, it frees me more each I time I traverse that ever-extending spiral, to create my future.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Mike, I firmly believe that you have the strength and resilience in you to weather whatever emotional outcomes are spurred by the divorce process. You're consistently a calming voice of wisdom and experience here on SR. Your toolbox is packed with everything you need to weather any storm, including this one.
<3
<3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I completely understand. Your life was chaos with her, now you have had 3 years of peace. Don't want to upset the apple cart.
However, it just needs to be done. Whether or not is would start a **** storm no one knows. There is a possibility that she could want it done too just hasn't because….well, its really not an issue.
This is what your attorneys are for. Its their job to protect you. Just because you are divorcing does not mean you have to have contact with her at all, in fact - you shouldn't have any contact - that should be handled by the lawyers
You are in a good position. Kids are grown, don't have to negotiate visitation and the like, and you live a thousand miles from her.
I get through tough things one step at a time. Just ONE, make an appointment with an attorney and go be advised about what this process will be. At that point YOU can decide whether or not you are ready for it.
The greatest fear is fear itself - I have always found that to be true Mike. I remember when I was in college myself and several girlfriends would have fears of being pregnant. The unknown was maddening, scary, nauseating. The reality of not being pregnant was happy, or being pregnant a plan of action. The truth gives us the tools needed to make decisions.
However, it just needs to be done. Whether or not is would start a **** storm no one knows. There is a possibility that she could want it done too just hasn't because….well, its really not an issue.
This is what your attorneys are for. Its their job to protect you. Just because you are divorcing does not mean you have to have contact with her at all, in fact - you shouldn't have any contact - that should be handled by the lawyers
You are in a good position. Kids are grown, don't have to negotiate visitation and the like, and you live a thousand miles from her.
I get through tough things one step at a time. Just ONE, make an appointment with an attorney and go be advised about what this process will be. At that point YOU can decide whether or not you are ready for it.
The greatest fear is fear itself - I have always found that to be true Mike. I remember when I was in college myself and several girlfriends would have fears of being pregnant. The unknown was maddening, scary, nauseating. The reality of not being pregnant was happy, or being pregnant a plan of action. The truth gives us the tools needed to make decisions.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Maybe you simply don't like the thought "I failed at marriage"? I don't know what's in your head, but for some that is a hurdle.
Or...shoot I'm going to have to give her half of that 401k?
You're into Buddhism...what does it say about moving on? About taking care of that one small thing in the way of a clean future?
Maybe think of it as cleaning house. Like there are dust bunnies that need to go! Doesn't a dust bunny clean house feel a lot better than knowing in the back of your mind there are dust bunnies?
Or...shoot I'm going to have to give her half of that 401k?
You're into Buddhism...what does it say about moving on? About taking care of that one small thing in the way of a clean future?
Maybe think of it as cleaning house. Like there are dust bunnies that need to go! Doesn't a dust bunny clean house feel a lot better than knowing in the back of your mind there are dust bunnies?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Thanks everyone for your responses. I went and saw my favorite therapist yesterday evening. Me, I went for an hour walk. When I walk I seem to work my way through issues and clean out the garbage in my head. I didn't focus on the issue but a lot of it became clearer as I walked. I think all of the good responses helped as well giving me different ways to look at the issue.
It ties back to my AF who always called me a quitter and the fact that I was still feeling responsible for her. I just have to let go of these feelings from the past. They are not real and I am responsible for me and no one else.
The anxiety is much better and I am starting my search for an attorney.
Thanks again for the help.
Your friend,
It ties back to my AF who always called me a quitter and the fact that I was still feeling responsible for her. I just have to let go of these feelings from the past. They are not real and I am responsible for me and no one else.
The anxiety is much better and I am starting my search for an attorney.
Thanks again for the help.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I get it. It's a lot easier in life when we are just plugging away and not having to mess that up. To basically upset the applecart makes you go back to those feelings, ones you have left behind. It's scary.
However, I am betting it won't be nearly as bad as you think it will.
XXX
However, I am betting it won't be nearly as bad as you think it will.
XXX
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mlk3--that makes a lot of sense.
I like your words of "letting go". Letting go of a hot poker is a lot different than quitting a hot poker.....LOL....
dandylion
p.s.--what I have n oticed it that most (not all) feel a bit oddly nostalgic the first day after signing the final papers.....but it vanishes very quickly!
I like your words of "letting go". Letting go of a hot poker is a lot different than quitting a hot poker.....LOL....
dandylion
p.s.--what I have n oticed it that most (not all) feel a bit oddly nostalgic the first day after signing the final papers.....but it vanishes very quickly!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 42
m1k3,
Be gentle with yourself. As others have already pointed out, the grief involved in a separation moves through many stages and takes a long time. Also, recovery for the non-alcoholic partner requires a lot of energy - there's so much healing to do. From the way you describe your new life, it doesn't sound as if you're really stuck - you've been moving and growing beautifully. Most likely you've been doing a lot of the emotional/mental work of divorce all along, even if no papers have been filed.
It took me almost 3 years after leaving my AH to formally file for divorce, even though I realised early on that divorce was what I wanted; even though there were no children or property or any complications beyond the relationship itself. At first I was just too busy surviving, then rebuilding my life, then, like you, weirdly afraid of "making trouble," then nervous about the actual process (forms! lawyers! legal language!). I also felt weirdly stuck, even as I was discovering a new way to be, and kept wondering what was wrong with me that I didn't just divorce him already.
Then one day I was just ready and the whole thing was done in under a month. There was no shitstorm - just some awkwardness, bureaucracy, and a bit more grieving. Even as I celebrate closure, I still find myself strangely sad - still grieving the loss of illusions as well as the realities of the relationship, good and bad. I'm trying not to judge my pace - to accept that it all takes the time it takes. Journaling helps.
Wishing you lots of serenity and a friendly, efficient lawyer. That helps too
Be gentle with yourself. As others have already pointed out, the grief involved in a separation moves through many stages and takes a long time. Also, recovery for the non-alcoholic partner requires a lot of energy - there's so much healing to do. From the way you describe your new life, it doesn't sound as if you're really stuck - you've been moving and growing beautifully. Most likely you've been doing a lot of the emotional/mental work of divorce all along, even if no papers have been filed.
It took me almost 3 years after leaving my AH to formally file for divorce, even though I realised early on that divorce was what I wanted; even though there were no children or property or any complications beyond the relationship itself. At first I was just too busy surviving, then rebuilding my life, then, like you, weirdly afraid of "making trouble," then nervous about the actual process (forms! lawyers! legal language!). I also felt weirdly stuck, even as I was discovering a new way to be, and kept wondering what was wrong with me that I didn't just divorce him already.
Then one day I was just ready and the whole thing was done in under a month. There was no shitstorm - just some awkwardness, bureaucracy, and a bit more grieving. Even as I celebrate closure, I still find myself strangely sad - still grieving the loss of illusions as well as the realities of the relationship, good and bad. I'm trying not to judge my pace - to accept that it all takes the time it takes. Journaling helps.
Wishing you lots of serenity and a friendly, efficient lawyer. That helps too
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Mike, if you are on decent terms with each other and don't have concerns financially, etc, you may consider just hiring one lawyer to take care of all of it.
My X and I came up with an agreement between us. We went back and forth a lot. Finally, once we had agreed, I drew up the agreement and we both signed it and had it notorized. We then gave it to the attorney and he simply drew up what we had agreed on and filed it. We won't even have to go to court. It was a lot easier to do than I thought it would be, and that includes a parenting plan b/c we have two kids.
Just my two cents on how we did it. My attorney did it for a good deal, he is a friend of mine. He told me we saved ourselves thousands by being willing to negotiate between us ourselves.
Good luck to you!
My X and I came up with an agreement between us. We went back and forth a lot. Finally, once we had agreed, I drew up the agreement and we both signed it and had it notorized. We then gave it to the attorney and he simply drew up what we had agreed on and filed it. We won't even have to go to court. It was a lot easier to do than I thought it would be, and that includes a parenting plan b/c we have two kids.
Just my two cents on how we did it. My attorney did it for a good deal, he is a friend of mine. He told me we saved ourselves thousands by being willing to negotiate between us ourselves.
Good luck to you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
