Trying to stand my ground....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
Trying to stand my ground....
I am sure everyone here has a different but same cycle that they are familiar with. My life goes like this for the last few years...
1. My alcoholic husband gets way to drunk - fights with me,(verbally) says terrible things, I react in anger, say bad things too.
2. Next day he apoligizes, say he will change (go to treatment, slow down his drinking, not drink, ect.) He is happy and carefree for the next few days.
3. The next week or so he is a ball of nerves, anxiety, trys to find every excuse possible to not be with me and the kids.....
Starts over again with the "getting way to drunk" part.
I know I need to go to Alanon---I am going to try to find a meeting close to me to go to.
This weekend he got so drunk, and it seems to be escalating- he used to be nice when he drank, but this last time he was sooooo mean to me, AND he was mean to our boys (3 and 5 yr old). I have always told myself that was the line for me... (mean to the kids or an affair) and I ALWAYS told myself if that happens I WILL leave.....
Why am I still here?
He is supposed to sign up for treatment today...am I a fool to believe in him again? He guilts me into staying and says he needs my support to help him get sober...
The other part of my weekend was Sunday morning -- my 2 sisters, my brother and I confronted my alcoholic mom to tell her we thought she had a drinking problem and want to see her get help.... We meet with her and her husband (also a drinker) and pretty much chickened out...we said we were worried about her, and wanted to have her in our lives but thought her drinking was getting in the way of our relationships with her....she cried....we didn't give her the ultimatum we had all agreed to give her (stop drinking or we are out of your life)....
I am trying to get this voice out of my head that says "I just want to do what is right....what is that??" I know no one can answer that for me, but I am so confused right now.... Thanks for listening to the rambling of a woman who needs to go to Alanon...
Diane
1. My alcoholic husband gets way to drunk - fights with me,(verbally) says terrible things, I react in anger, say bad things too.
2. Next day he apoligizes, say he will change (go to treatment, slow down his drinking, not drink, ect.) He is happy and carefree for the next few days.
3. The next week or so he is a ball of nerves, anxiety, trys to find every excuse possible to not be with me and the kids.....
Starts over again with the "getting way to drunk" part.
I know I need to go to Alanon---I am going to try to find a meeting close to me to go to.
This weekend he got so drunk, and it seems to be escalating- he used to be nice when he drank, but this last time he was sooooo mean to me, AND he was mean to our boys (3 and 5 yr old). I have always told myself that was the line for me... (mean to the kids or an affair) and I ALWAYS told myself if that happens I WILL leave.....
Why am I still here?
He is supposed to sign up for treatment today...am I a fool to believe in him again? He guilts me into staying and says he needs my support to help him get sober...
The other part of my weekend was Sunday morning -- my 2 sisters, my brother and I confronted my alcoholic mom to tell her we thought she had a drinking problem and want to see her get help.... We meet with her and her husband (also a drinker) and pretty much chickened out...we said we were worried about her, and wanted to have her in our lives but thought her drinking was getting in the way of our relationships with her....she cried....we didn't give her the ultimatum we had all agreed to give her (stop drinking or we are out of your life)....
I am trying to get this voice out of my head that says "I just want to do what is right....what is that??" I know no one can answer that for me, but I am so confused right now.... Thanks for listening to the rambling of a woman who needs to go to Alanon...
Diane
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Diane -
Yup, that's how it goes.
I've been on this ride for 15 years and the only thing that has ever restored any sanity to my life has been AlAnon and these boards. I don't have it all figured out yet but I'm making progress daily.
Welcome ! Stick around - you'll be glad you did.
L
Yup, that's how it goes.
I've been on this ride for 15 years and the only thing that has ever restored any sanity to my life has been AlAnon and these boards. I don't have it all figured out yet but I'm making progress daily.
Welcome ! Stick around - you'll be glad you did.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Hi Yreva,
Please get yourself to a meeting asap - you won't believe the weight that gets lifted off your shoulders when you do go. You are trying to deal with two very different people who happen to suffer from the same sickness - that won't help you sort yourself out. Learn about detachment with love, and your confusion will ease. You can't be expected to deal with two alcoholics without going crazy.
Stick around - good to meet you!
HugZ
Sandra
Please get yourself to a meeting asap - you won't believe the weight that gets lifted off your shoulders when you do go. You are trying to deal with two very different people who happen to suffer from the same sickness - that won't help you sort yourself out. Learn about detachment with love, and your confusion will ease. You can't be expected to deal with two alcoholics without going crazy.
Stick around - good to meet you!
HugZ
Sandra
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
Oh Yreva, your mom AND your husband. Huge hugs to you. No wonder you are confused. You sound like a good person...someone wanting to do the right thing. someone who cares about these two people a great deal, yet you are getting hurt because of their disease. Get to a meeting and read the book Codependent No More. That really helped me. And keep coming back here and ranting. huge huge hugs. Take care of yourself and those kids. That is uncalled for, your H to confuse those kids like that. Talk to him when he is sober and let him know that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
Thanks so much for the kind words!!! Really helps to know someone understands! I am looking into an alanon meeting near me. I have a friend whose husband is 20 years sober (it can happen!!!) :-) and she has agreed to go with me. We went about a year ago when things really got bad in my life, but I just closed up at the meeting and decieded not to go back...I think now I am ready.
Diane
Diane
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Sending you love and lots of courage. Please come back and let me know how your meeting went. If the first group doesn't meet you needs go to another until you find one you can related to,
Your plate may seem pretty full but YOU can recovery.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil
Your plate may seem pretty full but YOU can recovery.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
I am not sure if any of you have heard this song:
It is called "WALK A LITTLE STRAIGHTER DADDY"
I remember looking up
To look up to him
And I remember most the time
He wasn't there
I'd be waiting at the door
When he got home at night
He'd pass me by to go to pass out in his chair
And I'd say
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're swaying side to side
You're footsteps make me dizzy
And no matter how I try
I keep tripping and stumbling
If you'd look down here you'd see
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're leading me
He stumbled in the gym
On graduation day
And I couldn't help but feel
So ashamed
And I wasn't surprised a bit
When he didn't stay
He stumbled out before they called my name
And I thought
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're swaying side to side
It's not just me who's watching
you've caught everybody's eye
And you're tripping and stumbling
and even though I've turned 18
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're still leading me
The old mans still like he always was
But I love him anyway
If I've learned one thing from him
Its my kids will never have to say
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're swaying side to side
You're footsteps make me dizzy
And no matter how I try
I keep tripping and stumbling
if you'd look down here you'd see
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're leading me
Yeah walk a little straighter daddy
You're leading me
Yesterday my A husband and I are in the car and this song comes on... he turns it up and say to me, "Is this song me?" I just burst into tears.....but he goes on to say that even tho' I asked him to got to treatment he doesn't think he needs to go. He can quit on his own without help!...
My heart sank, but I didn't say a thing. I told him last Sunday if he didn't go in for treatment I was going to make him leave...well here it is Thursday and he has had the entire week off----no treatment, but also no drinking...
I guess the conversation just made me realize that I CANNOT MAKE him STOP...News flash!!! Duh! I just had a flash of how the cycle of drinking, apologizing and quiting then drinking again can go on for the rest of his life!
At this point I have just decieded to set my boundaries, and keep my kids and I away from him when he is drunk, and cross the next drinking binge when we come to it....Depressing isn't it!
Sad thing is that I hope that song is never how my kids feel, but I know it is how I feel about my mom, and how my husband felt about his mother. His mom died at 42 from Liver failure- she literally drank herself to death at 42!!! Crazy!! He remembers her having Tomato juice mixed with beer for breakfast, and drinking unbelievable amounts of alcohol...how is it that a person that grows up with that will become that?
Diane
It is called "WALK A LITTLE STRAIGHTER DADDY"
I remember looking up
To look up to him
And I remember most the time
He wasn't there
I'd be waiting at the door
When he got home at night
He'd pass me by to go to pass out in his chair
And I'd say
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're swaying side to side
You're footsteps make me dizzy
And no matter how I try
I keep tripping and stumbling
If you'd look down here you'd see
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're leading me
He stumbled in the gym
On graduation day
And I couldn't help but feel
So ashamed
And I wasn't surprised a bit
When he didn't stay
He stumbled out before they called my name
And I thought
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're swaying side to side
It's not just me who's watching
you've caught everybody's eye
And you're tripping and stumbling
and even though I've turned 18
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're still leading me
The old mans still like he always was
But I love him anyway
If I've learned one thing from him
Its my kids will never have to say
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're swaying side to side
You're footsteps make me dizzy
And no matter how I try
I keep tripping and stumbling
if you'd look down here you'd see
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're leading me
Yeah walk a little straighter daddy
You're leading me
Yesterday my A husband and I are in the car and this song comes on... he turns it up and say to me, "Is this song me?" I just burst into tears.....but he goes on to say that even tho' I asked him to got to treatment he doesn't think he needs to go. He can quit on his own without help!...
My heart sank, but I didn't say a thing. I told him last Sunday if he didn't go in for treatment I was going to make him leave...well here it is Thursday and he has had the entire week off----no treatment, but also no drinking...
I guess the conversation just made me realize that I CANNOT MAKE him STOP...News flash!!! Duh! I just had a flash of how the cycle of drinking, apologizing and quiting then drinking again can go on for the rest of his life!
At this point I have just decieded to set my boundaries, and keep my kids and I away from him when he is drunk, and cross the next drinking binge when we come to it....Depressing isn't it!
Sad thing is that I hope that song is never how my kids feel, but I know it is how I feel about my mom, and how my husband felt about his mother. His mom died at 42 from Liver failure- she literally drank herself to death at 42!!! Crazy!! He remembers her having Tomato juice mixed with beer for breakfast, and drinking unbelievable amounts of alcohol...how is it that a person that grows up with that will become that?
Diane
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