Blame and Mother's Day

Old 05-14-2014, 03:51 PM
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Blame and Mother's Day

I have a question about guilt and blame. My daughter is in treatment and we are involved in the family therapy aspect of the program. I find myself cycling through periods of guilt and blame. Sometimes I feel confident that I did not cause my daughters addiction and sometimes I am consumed with guilt and blame. I am working on this issue in my Families Anon group, but it really wears me down. Intellectually I know it's not my fault. I was a really good mom. In my heart sometimes, I crumble at the thought that my parenting style may have contributed to my daughters problems. I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on this matter.

Regarding Mother's Day, my daughter was given permission to call me on Sunday and she did not call. She did send a card on Saturday. Her therapist told me she was given permission to make a call and I think it really stinks that she didn't call. She is not allowed to call us but was given special permission. I feel very angry at her right now. I don't usually get angry at her and this is a new feeling for me. I usually brush everything off when it comes to her and her bad behavior. I think it is a good sign for me and for my emotional development, but I can't believe she didn't call. I would NEVER not call my mom on Mother's Day. I'm pissed!
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Old 05-14-2014, 04:19 PM
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I got a bit perturbed with RAH's odd and very short calls. When I visited rehab I saw there was one public phone and a line of guys hanging around to use it, maybe listen to drama, or just waiting to bum cigarettes... My H said, "This is why I have a hard time calling." So out went all those resentments. I freakin hate it when he has a good reason.

So wait and see what happens. It could be she pushed your expectation button by not calling.

As for your parenting style branding your daughter into a life of addiction - maybe you should look at how you were raised and if there are behavior patterns going back with addiction in your family or your husband's family? I think you may find a bigger picture.

Hugs Audrey Rose.
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Old 05-14-2014, 04:37 PM
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Just have to tell you that the way you titled your thread made me have to read it. I didn't get a call on Mother's Day.

I just hate that expectation thing that CodeJob talked about. It happened to me.

I spent a really bad day yesterday after finding out that my sister told my daughter that I had never wanted her. So I am seeing things a lot clearer now into how my daughter and I were with each other.

Sometimes things aren't just black and white, sometimes there are gray areas.

Just know that you did your best with what you had to work with. Also consider that your daughter is also trying to do her best. (In no way am I ever suggesting that what happened with me and my daughter is the same as your situation).

I think what I am saying, is to Let Go Let God here. It really could be that the line was really long for the phone and that she couldn't.

I do understand your pain though.

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Old 05-14-2014, 05:05 PM
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audreyrose---that line at the phone was probably around the block on Sunday!!!!

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Old 05-14-2014, 06:08 PM
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I wouldn't read too much into it since she sent you the card. Like the others said, maybe there was a long line. Maybe she thought she would upset you somehow (addicts have a lot of guilt and blame too ya know). Mother's Day is just a day-you guys can have a special day when she gets out because she couldn't do anything. That's all.

And you definitely did not cause the addiction. So don't even think about that.
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