AH and Legal Troubles
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 46
AH and Legal Troubles
So here's the situation: after I discovered my AH's secret drinking, I kicked him out of the house. He went to live with his parents, who believed his very convincing denials. Three weeks later, he was arrested and charged with drunk driving and resisting/obstruction. Other than the drunk texts I received during the course of his arrest and the fact that he has retained an attorney, he has told me nothing about his arrest, his case or what is coming next. As he has started coming out of his denial about his drinking problem, he and I have been able to have a few more careful conversations, but he still hasn't offered any information and I have not pushed, other than to ask (1) if he has a court date and (2) if anyone will be going with him. I really don't think he should be going through that alone, but I simply suggested he discuss that with his counselor the next time he sees her. I'm betting he is too ashamed to want anyone to witness what happens, but I can't imagine being all alone for something like that.
I know he has to deal with this himself, and that I can't do anything, especially if he does not want to communicate with me about what's happening. I've even gone so far as to separate our finances so he is truly on his own for this. But it is killing me inside that the man I love, with whom I shared so many good years, is going through this alone. He has never been in trouble like this before - nothing more than the occasional speeding ticket.
Has anyone had a similar experience? How do you handle the feeling of powerlessness? What support *can* I give? Also, I'd be curious to know how things might have turned out for anyone else you know who faced charges like this. Resisting/obstruction is a felony in my state...this was his first OWI...the rest of his record is completely clean...if any of that makes a difference.
I know he has to deal with this himself, and that I can't do anything, especially if he does not want to communicate with me about what's happening. I've even gone so far as to separate our finances so he is truly on his own for this. But it is killing me inside that the man I love, with whom I shared so many good years, is going through this alone. He has never been in trouble like this before - nothing more than the occasional speeding ticket.
Has anyone had a similar experience? How do you handle the feeling of powerlessness? What support *can* I give? Also, I'd be curious to know how things might have turned out for anyone else you know who faced charges like this. Resisting/obstruction is a felony in my state...this was his first OWI...the rest of his record is completely clean...if any of that makes a difference.
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Personally, I wouldn't give him any support.
Maybe this will be the bottom. Let him deal with it on his own.
Although, in all honesty, if he told the judge he had a problem, they would probably send him to a rehab instead of jail. The problem with that is, it's not going to work unless he wants to go, so it's not worth telling him if you don't think he truly wants to go.
Maybe this will be the bottom. Let him deal with it on his own.
Although, in all honesty, if he told the judge he had a problem, they would probably send him to a rehab instead of jail. The problem with that is, it's not going to work unless he wants to go, so it's not worth telling him if you don't think he truly wants to go.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
I had never been in any kind of legal trouble either until I received my one and only DWI. No one went with me to court except my attorney. I took care of what needed to be done by myself. It was a much better lesson for me than had I been assisted by family or friends.
I think this is something your husband needs to do by himself. He's an adult, he can figure it out on his own. I did.
I think this is something your husband needs to do by himself. He's an adult, he can figure it out on his own. I did.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I had to learn to trust that people I love are allowed to handle their issues in the manner they wish to handle them, no matter what I would do or want in similar circumstances, no matter what I believe is "best" for them. If people want my help or support, they ask for it. If they don't, then I have to respect their wishes. The best I can do is protect myself against the consequences of their decisions as well as I possibly can.
We are powerless over everything but the choices we make. It's liberating to surrender to that idea, though I know how much it hurts to watch others make mistakes we feel we might have been able to help prevent. But in truth, none of us are prophets, and none of us can control the future with worry and obsessive contingency plans.
As Suki intimated, the best support you can give him is the freedom to solve his own problems and feel the weight of his own consequences. We never learn anything until we're allowed to. Sending you strength and patience.
We are powerless over everything but the choices we make. It's liberating to surrender to that idea, though I know how much it hurts to watch others make mistakes we feel we might have been able to help prevent. But in truth, none of us are prophets, and none of us can control the future with worry and obsessive contingency plans.
As Suki intimated, the best support you can give him is the freedom to solve his own problems and feel the weight of his own consequences. We never learn anything until we're allowed to. Sending you strength and patience.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Been there, doing that. 
I stay OUT of RAH's legal issues. We do talk about it when he updates me following his meetings with his attorney or a court date or whatever, but I do not attend court with him nor do I retain most of the details of what he has to handle unless it impacts our schedule. (like, he isn't home on Monday nights until his court-ordered counseling sessions are over... but I don't remind him every Monday, "hey don't forget your appt tonight!")
His dui has been pretty demanding between probation, random drug testing, court dates, etc. He's missed a few deadlines & had to deal with the consequences & has had to grow up & realize no one but him is responsible for dealing with it.
And honestly? I'm so HAPPY to not have it on my plate. Happy, happy, happppppeeeeeeee!!
I stay OUT of RAH's legal issues. We do talk about it when he updates me following his meetings with his attorney or a court date or whatever, but I do not attend court with him nor do I retain most of the details of what he has to handle unless it impacts our schedule. (like, he isn't home on Monday nights until his court-ordered counseling sessions are over... but I don't remind him every Monday, "hey don't forget your appt tonight!")
His dui has been pretty demanding between probation, random drug testing, court dates, etc. He's missed a few deadlines & had to deal with the consequences & has had to grow up & realize no one but him is responsible for dealing with it.
And honestly? I'm so HAPPY to not have it on my plate. Happy, happy, happppppeeeeeeee!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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the court proceedings are the same whether it's jaywalking or a DUI - he won't be facing a firing squad. he's a big boy - big enough to get drunk and then get behind the wheel with possible fatal consequences. LET HIM deal with this.
you make it sound like he's five year's old and being sent into space...........
i've only had tickets for speeding or not wearing my seat-belt (major threat to society that i am) and it never occurred to me to ask anyone to take time out of THEIR day to accompany me. it was MY ticket!!
you make it sound like he's five year's old and being sent into space...........
i've only had tickets for speeding or not wearing my seat-belt (major threat to society that i am) and it never occurred to me to ask anyone to take time out of THEIR day to accompany me. it was MY ticket!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
When my XAH had legal trouble, as a principal for myself, I did not go to his court dates, nor did I do anything to assist him. The thing is, he got himself there, he needs to get himself out.
For my XAH, he was put on Felony Probation, supervised, for 5 years. He got off early for good behavior (ha) in 4. His charges were property damage over a certain amount, so it was a felony. As part of his probation they spoke with me at length to assess what level of supervision he required. At the time I was completely snowed by him and thought this was it, he was going to rehab and would be healed! He seemed sincere...again....ha.
So I told the probation officer I truly thought he wanted recovery, blah blah blah. It also goes based on a point system, in that he got so many points for being a college grad, so many for having employment, etc. At the end, the point system, along with statements from him and myself, along with a home visit, determined what level of supervision he had, which was essentially none.
I live in Missouri, I am sure this differs from state to state.
I wish I had fessed up to his probation officer that he was relapsing and still drinking later. I just did not have the guts and that makes me very sad now, in hindsight.
If this is his first DUI, I would not expect too much trouble from the courts. I expect he will get a fine and a slap on the wrist. The jails are full of repeat offenders and IV drug users. A DUI is nothing, sadly.
For my XAH I would have thought this was his bottom. He got completely wasted on Xanax and booze, broke into and trashed someone's home he did not even know, caused $16k in property damage, jumped off their roof and was picked up limping down the road. Woke up in jail the next day having no idea how he got there, or why. To this day he does not remember it. His counselor wanted to put him under hypnosis to make him remember but he refused, said he does not want to. He has seen the photos and read the police report. It was awful. He may not remember, but I do. It is something I will never ever forget.
He is a social worker. He has a full time job. He is not some bum on the street. I NEVER ever would have dreamed he would do anything like this. However, when they say addiction is progressive, that is true. I stood by him for those 4 years and never recovered myself from all the trauma of it. He continues to drink to this day.
FYI....my XAH did go to rehab when this happened, stayed clean for just over a year. He then started drinking again and we are now divorcing. It has been an awful ride for all of us, including my children.
Please take good care of you and take care of your needs during this time.
Sorry this is long, I just want you to see that not every alcoholic's bottom is ending up in jail. Some of them don't have a bottom, that is a quest only they can work on.
For my XAH, he was put on Felony Probation, supervised, for 5 years. He got off early for good behavior (ha) in 4. His charges were property damage over a certain amount, so it was a felony. As part of his probation they spoke with me at length to assess what level of supervision he required. At the time I was completely snowed by him and thought this was it, he was going to rehab and would be healed! He seemed sincere...again....ha.
So I told the probation officer I truly thought he wanted recovery, blah blah blah. It also goes based on a point system, in that he got so many points for being a college grad, so many for having employment, etc. At the end, the point system, along with statements from him and myself, along with a home visit, determined what level of supervision he had, which was essentially none.
I live in Missouri, I am sure this differs from state to state.
I wish I had fessed up to his probation officer that he was relapsing and still drinking later. I just did not have the guts and that makes me very sad now, in hindsight.
If this is his first DUI, I would not expect too much trouble from the courts. I expect he will get a fine and a slap on the wrist. The jails are full of repeat offenders and IV drug users. A DUI is nothing, sadly.
For my XAH I would have thought this was his bottom. He got completely wasted on Xanax and booze, broke into and trashed someone's home he did not even know, caused $16k in property damage, jumped off their roof and was picked up limping down the road. Woke up in jail the next day having no idea how he got there, or why. To this day he does not remember it. His counselor wanted to put him under hypnosis to make him remember but he refused, said he does not want to. He has seen the photos and read the police report. It was awful. He may not remember, but I do. It is something I will never ever forget.
He is a social worker. He has a full time job. He is not some bum on the street. I NEVER ever would have dreamed he would do anything like this. However, when they say addiction is progressive, that is true. I stood by him for those 4 years and never recovered myself from all the trauma of it. He continues to drink to this day.
FYI....my XAH did go to rehab when this happened, stayed clean for just over a year. He then started drinking again and we are now divorcing. It has been an awful ride for all of us, including my children.
Please take good care of you and take care of your needs during this time.
Sorry this is long, I just want you to see that not every alcoholic's bottom is ending up in jail. Some of them don't have a bottom, that is a quest only they can work on.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you make it sound like he's five year's old and being sent into space...........
I've been the one "wearing the pants" in our relationship forever. I make the plans, schedule the appointments, determine much of what gets done around the house...it's a role in which I was very comfortable because I genuinely enjoy planning and coordination. And I run a pretty efficient operation that leaves us plenty of room for fun and recreation, if I can pat myself on the back.
But I've rarely given him the chance to take the lead, so I probably don't see him as being as capable as me at dealing with a crisis.The big boy will sink or swim now, and it will be of his own making. It will either make him a stronger, better person...or it will not.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I too was, and am still b/c I made him leave, the leader in my home. Complete control except over him...LOL.
Now he is in extra shock b/c I am no longer being his mommy. He's on his own, I've turned him over to God.
XXX
Now he is in extra shock b/c I am no longer being his mommy. He's on his own, I've turned him over to God.
XXX
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
Different states handle first DUIs differently. In my state, I received 1 year probation (visiting the pobation office once a month and paying a fee each time), loss of license for 6 months, 24 hours of community service, a couple of classes and a victims impact panel discussion. If he loses his license for a while, he can apply for an occupational license which will allow him to drive to and from work during certain hours of the day.
It's a huge hassle and an expensive one, but it's meant to be. Hopefully, once a person goes through it once, they don't want to go through it again, especially knowing the consequences go way up.
He can do this. It isn't the end of the world, but hopefully he will learn from it and never get behind the wheel after drinking.
It's a huge hassle and an expensive one, but it's meant to be. Hopefully, once a person goes through it once, they don't want to go through it again, especially knowing the consequences go way up.
He can do this. It isn't the end of the world, but hopefully he will learn from it and never get behind the wheel after drinking.
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