Have I Made the Right Choice?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Have I Made the Right Choice?
After dating an incredibly kind man for about 4 months, I found out he had battled heavy drinking/alcoholism for 10 yrs and had been sober for 5 yrs. before we met. Normally, this would be great news! (I'm an adult child of an alcoholic & have gone through therapy & relationships with other alcoholic exes before; I'd actually be proud to date someone who'd overcome this on his own.) But he's drinking again in an effort to try "moderation." 
The thing is, I didn't know about his past until I confronted him about the drinking & how it was changing our interactions recently. When we first started dating, he told me he didn't drink because it caused upset stomach. Then one weekend he had a glass of wine while we were out to dinner. I didn't think much of it until that grew into having a drink each weekend we were out. When I said one night, "Honey, didn't you say alcohol upset your stomach? Has something changed?" he told me he was now taking a probiotic that made his stomach feel much better. Long story short, soon after he went from a loving, snuggling, sober-every-night guy to putting down a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer and passing out on the couch every night the week before last. I told him this made me uncomfortable & opened up about my dad's past. That's when he told me about his past with alcoholism, but with a caveat: he wanted to try "moderation" now. He said he'd technically had a glass of wine to celebrate his 5-year sobriety anniversary about a month before we met (what???). He realized he'd gone too far that week and would cut it back, but he wanted to try moderation and could use my support. I stayed one more week, but also said this might be a dealbreaker for me. He didn't drink all week. It was really calm, nice and loving. The very next weekend, he drank again. Only about 3 servings of scotch on Saturday night, but enough to fall asleep on the couch within a short time again. The next morning he started an argument because I "detached" myself (went to read a book) while he was drinking last night (What? Why I can't read a book?). When I wanted to talk about that, he refused and said he had to go to the grocery. He came back with a six pack of beer & popped the cap on the first one. I felt I was losing him (and my opportunity to talk) fast once that bottle was opened. He said some hurtful things, and this signaled to me that the drinking was still going to be a problem, whether it was in moderation or excess. I would have been fine if he had chosen to keep his past private (but was still practicing sobriety 100%) or shared it, but also admitted he was in relapse now. But I didn't feel we couldn't do anything with what we had at this moment.
So I left his house -- and at least for now, the relationship. I told him that if he committed 100% to sobriety again one day, to call me. And if not, don't. But I have mixed emotions about all of this: anger that he didn't tell me the truth when I first asked & that he was drinking again after 5 yrs of sobriety (and apparently hiding this during the first few months), feeling duped, worry that I'd be codependent if I had stayed, guilt over having left when he asked me to stay for support the previous week, fear that this will make the relapse worse for him, anger & remorse over the loss of the most compatible and loving relationship I've had to present.
Have I done the right thing? What should I do next?
The thing is, I didn't know about his past until I confronted him about the drinking & how it was changing our interactions recently. When we first started dating, he told me he didn't drink because it caused upset stomach. Then one weekend he had a glass of wine while we were out to dinner. I didn't think much of it until that grew into having a drink each weekend we were out. When I said one night, "Honey, didn't you say alcohol upset your stomach? Has something changed?" he told me he was now taking a probiotic that made his stomach feel much better. Long story short, soon after he went from a loving, snuggling, sober-every-night guy to putting down a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer and passing out on the couch every night the week before last. I told him this made me uncomfortable & opened up about my dad's past. That's when he told me about his past with alcoholism, but with a caveat: he wanted to try "moderation" now. He said he'd technically had a glass of wine to celebrate his 5-year sobriety anniversary about a month before we met (what???). He realized he'd gone too far that week and would cut it back, but he wanted to try moderation and could use my support. I stayed one more week, but also said this might be a dealbreaker for me. He didn't drink all week. It was really calm, nice and loving. The very next weekend, he drank again. Only about 3 servings of scotch on Saturday night, but enough to fall asleep on the couch within a short time again. The next morning he started an argument because I "detached" myself (went to read a book) while he was drinking last night (What? Why I can't read a book?). When I wanted to talk about that, he refused and said he had to go to the grocery. He came back with a six pack of beer & popped the cap on the first one. I felt I was losing him (and my opportunity to talk) fast once that bottle was opened. He said some hurtful things, and this signaled to me that the drinking was still going to be a problem, whether it was in moderation or excess. I would have been fine if he had chosen to keep his past private (but was still practicing sobriety 100%) or shared it, but also admitted he was in relapse now. But I didn't feel we couldn't do anything with what we had at this moment.So I left his house -- and at least for now, the relationship. I told him that if he committed 100% to sobriety again one day, to call me. And if not, don't. But I have mixed emotions about all of this: anger that he didn't tell me the truth when I first asked & that he was drinking again after 5 yrs of sobriety (and apparently hiding this during the first few months), feeling duped, worry that I'd be codependent if I had stayed, guilt over having left when he asked me to stay for support the previous week, fear that this will make the relapse worse for him, anger & remorse over the loss of the most compatible and loving relationship I've had to present.
Have I done the right thing? What should I do next?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
You are so smart!! Yes, you did the right thing. For yourself and for him. 
Next thing to do, Alanon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. Even a few meetings could be helpful. Congrats to you on not sticking around for the alcoholic rollercoaster ride. Hiding the reason for not drinking sounds like he's been sober but not committed to recovery.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. He's not going to drink any more or less than if you're there. If he wants help, it can't come from you. There are lots of resources: AA meetings, Celebrate Recovery, Licensed Addicts Counselors, rehab programs, etc.
I did make a list of phone numbers for my husband and put them in the pocket of his address book. He needs to make the calls if he wants help. He also received a pamphlet from an AA meeting that listed all the area meetings times and places for every day of the week. He keeps it with him and knows his recovery is fully up to him.
For alcoholics, moderation never works. It's a chronic progressive disease that physically effects the brain and body.
You may want to read this thread to the end. It was just updated:
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Next thing to do, Alanon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. Even a few meetings could be helpful. Congrats to you on not sticking around for the alcoholic rollercoaster ride. Hiding the reason for not drinking sounds like he's been sober but not committed to recovery.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. He's not going to drink any more or less than if you're there. If he wants help, it can't come from you. There are lots of resources: AA meetings, Celebrate Recovery, Licensed Addicts Counselors, rehab programs, etc.
I did make a list of phone numbers for my husband and put them in the pocket of his address book. He needs to make the calls if he wants help. He also received a pamphlet from an AA meeting that listed all the area meetings times and places for every day of the week. He keeps it with him and knows his recovery is fully up to him.
For alcoholics, moderation never works. It's a chronic progressive disease that physically effects the brain and body.
You may want to read this thread to the end. It was just updated:
-
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Welcome AAAlly! You've come to the right place! I'm sorry you had to find it, though, with your current circumstances. With the active alcoholic that hasn't "recovered" comes the lying (it upsets my stomach), the hiding (he'd technically had a glass of wine a month before you met), and the manipulation (he could use my support). You're only 4 months in. Are you SURE it's worth an investment knowing that he's not "recovered"? He even duped you into thinking he was sober when you met but then fessed up he'd been drinking (to celebrate his 5 year no-drinking anniversary, YIKES). Not drinking does not = sober recovery. Heck, he wasn't even not drinking.
Good for you! You set boundaries and stuck to them, and you were open and honest. You did the right thing in my opinion!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
AAAlly, as he has demonstrated, alcoholics can't moderate. If they could they would just be normal. Maybe meeting you made him feel he could join the 'normals' again, but he can't and I'm sure he knows it deep down.
Picking that fight with you sounds like an excuse to go to the store and buy beer. expect more of that if you stay.
It's a real pity because he sounds like a lovely guy sober, but that's not the person you'll get if you stay around while he's drinking. Sober is the only way for the relationship, so the ball's in his court.
Picking that fight with you sounds like an excuse to go to the store and buy beer. expect more of that if you stay.
It's a real pity because he sounds like a lovely guy sober, but that's not the person you'll get if you stay around while he's drinking. Sober is the only way for the relationship, so the ball's in his court.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
You are a smart lady. You've probably just saved yourself immeasurable heartache.
I wish I'd been as wise as you are when I first met my AH nine years.ago.
You've absolutely done the best thing you could have done.
I wish I'd been as wise as you are when I first met my AH nine years.ago.
You've absolutely done the best thing you could have done.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I'm sure our cheering you on for doing the right thing when so many of your thoughts have you questioning that decision is weird. But you've done the right thing for you and as you know, should he decide to use this as a reason to drink more, it's NOT your fault. With your background you know an A doesn't need a reason, they only need a scapegoat or a whipping boy. You're neither of those since you wisely followed your instinct to self protect. I'm so happy that you've made that decision..good job!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
So I left his house -- and at least for now, the relationship. I told him that if he committed 100% to sobriety again one day, to call me. And if not, don't. But I have mixed emotions about all of this: anger that he didn't tell me the truth when I first asked & that he was drinking again after 5 yrs of sobriety (and apparently hiding this during the first few months), feeling duped, worry that I'd be codependent if I had stayed, guilt over having left when he asked me to stay for support the previous week, fear that this will make the relapse worse for him, anger & remorse over the loss of the most compatible and loving relationship I've had to present.
He KNOWS he shouldn't drink, but he drinks anyway. Even after a few years of not drinking, if they start again, it isn't long at all until they are back to drinking as much as they were when they quit. The only cure for alcoholism is to never ever drink again. He will always be an alcoholic but his alcoholism will be in remission as long as he doesn't drink.
Protect yourself. You cannot help him. He has to do it and he has to do it for himself, not for you or anyone else. Welcome to SR. (((HUGS)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Thank you
Thank you, Katchie -- and everyone! Katchie, you read my mind. I wouldn't be on here if I didn't have doubts about the decision, even though I know it was the right one. I guess I'm worried about what will happen when he returns my stuff. (He's already insisted on dropping it off at my house, but won't give me a day/time.) I know he liked me as much as I did him, and he's a very smart guy. So I'm kind of concerned he'll realize he messed up and return my stuff with a promise to be 100% sober from now on.
My dad never even had 5 yrs of sobriety, and a previous XABF never even admitted he had a problem. Those were clear-cut. I admire this man for his 5 yrs, but is it even possible for him to get there again with this relapse? He didn't go the AA route before (I think because of the spirituality of that particular group, but the reason doesn't matter. Bottom line, I can't be certain he'd commit to it if there's no group to return to and no sponsor keeping him accountable! And I certainly don't want the job. Seeing my mom be codependent with my dad was enough to make me not want that.) Or what if he comes back 1 month, 6 months, 1 year down the line and says he's sober again? How would I know if it was legit or if he'd be a life-timer for sobriety? Does that actually happen? This is out of my territory & knowledge, unfortunately.
My dad never even had 5 yrs of sobriety, and a previous XABF never even admitted he had a problem. Those were clear-cut. I admire this man for his 5 yrs, but is it even possible for him to get there again with this relapse? He didn't go the AA route before (I think because of the spirituality of that particular group, but the reason doesn't matter. Bottom line, I can't be certain he'd commit to it if there's no group to return to and no sponsor keeping him accountable! And I certainly don't want the job. Seeing my mom be codependent with my dad was enough to make me not want that.) Or what if he comes back 1 month, 6 months, 1 year down the line and says he's sober again? How would I know if it was legit or if he'd be a life-timer for sobriety? Does that actually happen? This is out of my territory & knowledge, unfortunately.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Or what if he comes back 1 month, 6 months, 1 year down the line and says he's sober again? How would I know if it was legit or if he'd be a life-timer for sobriety? Does that actually happen? This is out of my territory & knowledge, unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
What I've had to learn is that all of the "what ifs" I can conjure are my attempts to control the outcome of my husband's sobriety and it will drive me CRAZY if I stay in "what if" land. You know the what ifs; by the sounds of your past you've lived them a long time. How about this one..what if you just ask yourself if your willing to spend the rest of your life living with someone that causes you to constantly wonder? I'm where I'm at because that's my choice. I may choose differently if my husband doesn't keep his sobriety in check, but my choices are all I can control.
You're going to make, and already have made, decisions that are best for you so keep it up.
You're going to make, and already have made, decisions that are best for you so keep it up.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Have I done the right thing?
What should I do next?
Oh and read Wondering's thread (starting in 2012 that she updated yesterday) if you feel you are faltering in your resolve http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
In my experience there are only choices. Right/Wrong are judgements I can no longer afford in recovery. I have learned that I simply cannot screw anything up bad enough that my Higher Power cannot turn it into a miracle. My Right/Wrong judgement predisposes me to the Good/Bad judgement which often precludes me from participating in what life has to offer.
I am reticent to even say there are mistakes but if there are I would define them as knowing the consequences of a given choice and making that choice expecting different consequences.
When I am willing to take full responsibility for the consequences of my choices I become free and free is all I ever really wanted. It is the responsibility that I fear and then freedom eludes me.
OP, it sounds as if you know the consequences of remaining in close emotional proximity to an active alcoholic. It sounds as if you have made your choice regarding that matter for this day. Own the consequences and set yourself free. You are free to choose to go back to that environment so long as you accept responsibility for those consequences.
I am reticent to even say there are mistakes but if there are I would define them as knowing the consequences of a given choice and making that choice expecting different consequences.
When I am willing to take full responsibility for the consequences of my choices I become free and free is all I ever really wanted. It is the responsibility that I fear and then freedom eludes me.
OP, it sounds as if you know the consequences of remaining in close emotional proximity to an active alcoholic. It sounds as if you have made your choice regarding that matter for this day. Own the consequences and set yourself free. You are free to choose to go back to that environment so long as you accept responsibility for those consequences.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You don't really know if he was truly sober for 5 years. That's what he told you, but he's also proven to not be truthful about his drinking. Don't listen to what he says, watch what he does. He's not in recovery, he is drinking.
I learned in a family recovery program that if an A relapses, they don't "start over". They will be right where they were when they quit. So it can be 20 years, but if they drink, they are right back to as sick as they were before. There is no "moderation" for an A, and if this guy had true recovery he would know that.
Truly admire your strength in facing the truth of this situation, listening to that voice inside you, and doing the right thing. Doens't make it any easier, but it's the right thing. As for your things, you can make decisions about that. They are YOUR things, you have a right to get them back. I would set a date to get them back, and have someone at the house with you. Or set a time to stop at his place, and again bring someone with you. As long as you let him linger and let him decide, I can promise you he'll take his time. That way he can keep you connected somehow.
He will get sober with or without you. He will drink with or without you. Those are his choices. Move on, and take care of yourself. Find an AlAnon group and find the support you need in holding your boundaries.
I learned in a family recovery program that if an A relapses, they don't "start over". They will be right where they were when they quit. So it can be 20 years, but if they drink, they are right back to as sick as they were before. There is no "moderation" for an A, and if this guy had true recovery he would know that.
Truly admire your strength in facing the truth of this situation, listening to that voice inside you, and doing the right thing. Doens't make it any easier, but it's the right thing. As for your things, you can make decisions about that. They are YOUR things, you have a right to get them back. I would set a date to get them back, and have someone at the house with you. Or set a time to stop at his place, and again bring someone with you. As long as you let him linger and let him decide, I can promise you he'll take his time. That way he can keep you connected somehow.
He will get sober with or without you. He will drink with or without you. Those are his choices. Move on, and take care of yourself. Find an AlAnon group and find the support you need in holding your boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I think as we have seen here if alcoholic ones cannot drink in moderation
and if someone is alcoholic and drinks who knows what will happen
kind of like lighting a long fuse on a stick of dynamite and then just wondering when it is going to blow up
MM
and if someone is alcoholic and drinks who knows what will happen
kind of like lighting a long fuse on a stick of dynamite and then just wondering when it is going to blow up
MM
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