Question
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: APO AE
Posts: 1
Question
Hi all,
Ok-I have a question. I have been practicing alanon for a long time now, but am still not at peace. I was hoping to get some good testimonies from some of you. What was your bottom? What clicked in your mind to achieve serenity? What was that for you? If you left a love one, what was the deciding factor?
Thank you,
Summer
Ok-I have a question. I have been practicing alanon for a long time now, but am still not at peace. I was hoping to get some good testimonies from some of you. What was your bottom? What clicked in your mind to achieve serenity? What was that for you? If you left a love one, what was the deciding factor?
Thank you,
Summer
Last edited by Summer2004; 07-02-2004 at 05:28 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Peace snuck up on me. For me, it's really hard to explain because I don't really understand it myself. I just kept doing what I was doing, thinking about what I was learning, keeping an open mind and trusting the process.
Two big realizations for me were when I reached the point where I really understood that:
1. Nothing he did or didn't do was going to determine whether I stayed with him or not. It was all about what I wanted and what I needed and my choices.
2. I had replaced obsessing about getting him to stop drinking with obsessing about whether I was going to leave him or not. I stopped obsessing about anything and let it go.
Nobody could tell me those things. I came to understand them. It took some time but, once I understood them, I REALLY understood them.
Welcome Summer - I'm glad you're here.
L
Two big realizations for me were when I reached the point where I really understood that:
1. Nothing he did or didn't do was going to determine whether I stayed with him or not. It was all about what I wanted and what I needed and my choices.
2. I had replaced obsessing about getting him to stop drinking with obsessing about whether I was going to leave him or not. I stopped obsessing about anything and let it go.
Nobody could tell me those things. I came to understand them. It took some time but, once I understood them, I REALLY understood them.
Welcome Summer - I'm glad you're here.
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Summer!
Wow and welcome. I'm trying to think if there was a click. Surely there was a turning point, but it seems more like a slow process. Sometimes situations are more dramatically clear than others. The alcoholic who is passed out all weekend and punchy most evenings, but loves his kids and goes to work is a lot harder call than one who hits his wife and doesn't have a job. I was in pretty deep denial with Dino, but when I knew for sure he was using narcotics there was no question of his staying here. But once again, that's a more clearcut issue of me not wanting to wind up in jail because of him. If what he was doing wasn't illegal and making me starve I'm not sure how long I would have endured it. I do remember a startling revelation, though. I was always fixing things. Bail. Rent. Food. Loansharks. Pawnsharks. I was afraid something terrible would happen if I didn't. Then I woke up and realized something terrible WAS happening and it was taking me, too. All my fixing wasn't preventing a thing. Still, he'd been gone four months and I was still trying to do what a could from a distance, and getting frustrated because there wasn't MORE I could do even though I was struggling with finances and emotions myself. That is an understatement. I was waffling between being suicidal and wishing I could be homicidal because it was all HIS fault, why should I die? And then I knew my crazy went deeper than just the battle against what he was doing. He wasn't even here. I had heard something vague somewhere about naranon and went looking online to find out what it was and if it was for me. I guess in a rambling sort of way, I think what I've said was that I started to get better when I realized my problem was me.
This should be a great thread! I can't wait to read all the answers.
Hugs!
Smoke
Wow and welcome. I'm trying to think if there was a click. Surely there was a turning point, but it seems more like a slow process. Sometimes situations are more dramatically clear than others. The alcoholic who is passed out all weekend and punchy most evenings, but loves his kids and goes to work is a lot harder call than one who hits his wife and doesn't have a job. I was in pretty deep denial with Dino, but when I knew for sure he was using narcotics there was no question of his staying here. But once again, that's a more clearcut issue of me not wanting to wind up in jail because of him. If what he was doing wasn't illegal and making me starve I'm not sure how long I would have endured it. I do remember a startling revelation, though. I was always fixing things. Bail. Rent. Food. Loansharks. Pawnsharks. I was afraid something terrible would happen if I didn't. Then I woke up and realized something terrible WAS happening and it was taking me, too. All my fixing wasn't preventing a thing. Still, he'd been gone four months and I was still trying to do what a could from a distance, and getting frustrated because there wasn't MORE I could do even though I was struggling with finances and emotions myself. That is an understatement. I was waffling between being suicidal and wishing I could be homicidal because it was all HIS fault, why should I die? And then I knew my crazy went deeper than just the battle against what he was doing. He wasn't even here. I had heard something vague somewhere about naranon and went looking online to find out what it was and if it was for me. I guess in a rambling sort of way, I think what I've said was that I started to get better when I realized my problem was me.
This should be a great thread! I can't wait to read all the answers.
Hugs!
Smoke
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
Same Here!
Hey Summer,
With me I just gave in to the fact that no matter what I did I was not going to get him to stop drinking and realized that it was up to him. I kept trying to remember.
1 - I didn't cause it
2- I can't control it
3 - I can't cure it
Only he was going to be able to make that decision, after that like L said its hard to explain, I just did my own thing and things finally fell into place. He now no longer drinks and is on meds for that and I thank God for that. I love my (tryinagain) with all my heart.
It's up to them to quit what they are doing, so what are you doing that you are still not at peace with?
We are here for you Summer and welcome to SR.
Hugs,
Penelope
With me I just gave in to the fact that no matter what I did I was not going to get him to stop drinking and realized that it was up to him. I kept trying to remember.
1 - I didn't cause it
2- I can't control it
3 - I can't cure it
Only he was going to be able to make that decision, after that like L said its hard to explain, I just did my own thing and things finally fell into place. He now no longer drinks and is on meds for that and I thank God for that. I love my (tryinagain) with all my heart.
It's up to them to quit what they are doing, so what are you doing that you are still not at peace with?
We are here for you Summer and welcome to SR.
Hugs,
Penelope
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Thanks for the topic! I had a counselor tell me that I should go to Al Anon. She said "I dont know where it is, but there is alcoholism in your family somewhere and you should go." so I did. I listened at the meetings, did readings, etc. but I did NOT work a program. I didnt call others in the program, I didnt get a sponsor, I didnt work the steps. I just went to the meetings and was inspired by the strength of the others in the room.
Life moved on, and my job situation changed so it wasnt so easy to get to meetings. MEANWHILE, my H was spiraling downward and our life was more and more chaotic, unpredictable, emotionally painful. He was what they call a "dry drunk". The man never took a drink in his life, yet exhibited all the behaviors of an active alcoholic. (I have since come to learn that it's not that uncommon from people who were raised by alcoholic parents.) As his life careened out of control, he became increasingly angry and abusive towards me and my sons from a previous marriage.
When things got bad - REALLY bad, I realized I knew where to turn. I crawled back to the doors of Al Anon. I sat in those meetings, and for the first month all I did was cry. They smiled, hugged me and said "keep coming back". I knew if I wanted what they had, I would have to follow the plan. SO - I got a phone list, I got a sponsor, I did the daily readings, journaled every day and slowly but surely, my life started to change. It got worse before it got better.... and I kept going back.
As I got better, HE got worse. As I started working the steps, practicing detachment etc, he got angrier, more combative, more insecure and ultimately much more verbally abusive. We started going to a counselor, and for a time he did a really good job of deceiving and manipulating her - showing the "outside" person that everyone else admired and loved, but not the other side - the one I had to live with and was more and more terrified of each day. Finally one day, all the pieces fell into place and he revealed himself to be the person I said he was - and she then encouraged us to come to see her individually. His paranoia grew even more as he wasn't able to hear what I said and manipulate it. Ultimately she "fired" him as a client, and became more and more concerned for me and my safety.
For me the turning point was when he started to direct his anger and fury at my teenage sons. He kicked them out of our house and forbid them to return, allowing me only minimal contact with them. I realized then that the situation was TOXIC for me. HE was toxic for me. I found myself in a position of having to choose - and I chose my kids, and my mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health.
At first, it was like the frog in the pot of water. You can put a frog in pot of water on the stove, and slowly increase the heat. The frog, being cold blooded, adapts to its environment and will ultimately boil to death without ever jumping out of the pot. It just keeps adapting as the heat gets turned up higher and hight.
But then one day the choices became crystal clear. I saw it all for what it was, and I knew what I had to do. I left him, and divorced him a year later. I have grown so much since then, and I am now happy, healthy and whole. I love my life, I have a terrific relationship with my sons.... I can honestly say that Al Anon saved my life.
Hugs and love
Barb
Life moved on, and my job situation changed so it wasnt so easy to get to meetings. MEANWHILE, my H was spiraling downward and our life was more and more chaotic, unpredictable, emotionally painful. He was what they call a "dry drunk". The man never took a drink in his life, yet exhibited all the behaviors of an active alcoholic. (I have since come to learn that it's not that uncommon from people who were raised by alcoholic parents.) As his life careened out of control, he became increasingly angry and abusive towards me and my sons from a previous marriage.
When things got bad - REALLY bad, I realized I knew where to turn. I crawled back to the doors of Al Anon. I sat in those meetings, and for the first month all I did was cry. They smiled, hugged me and said "keep coming back". I knew if I wanted what they had, I would have to follow the plan. SO - I got a phone list, I got a sponsor, I did the daily readings, journaled every day and slowly but surely, my life started to change. It got worse before it got better.... and I kept going back.
As I got better, HE got worse. As I started working the steps, practicing detachment etc, he got angrier, more combative, more insecure and ultimately much more verbally abusive. We started going to a counselor, and for a time he did a really good job of deceiving and manipulating her - showing the "outside" person that everyone else admired and loved, but not the other side - the one I had to live with and was more and more terrified of each day. Finally one day, all the pieces fell into place and he revealed himself to be the person I said he was - and she then encouraged us to come to see her individually. His paranoia grew even more as he wasn't able to hear what I said and manipulate it. Ultimately she "fired" him as a client, and became more and more concerned for me and my safety.
For me the turning point was when he started to direct his anger and fury at my teenage sons. He kicked them out of our house and forbid them to return, allowing me only minimal contact with them. I realized then that the situation was TOXIC for me. HE was toxic for me. I found myself in a position of having to choose - and I chose my kids, and my mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health.
At first, it was like the frog in the pot of water. You can put a frog in pot of water on the stove, and slowly increase the heat. The frog, being cold blooded, adapts to its environment and will ultimately boil to death without ever jumping out of the pot. It just keeps adapting as the heat gets turned up higher and hight.
But then one day the choices became crystal clear. I saw it all for what it was, and I knew what I had to do. I left him, and divorced him a year later. I have grown so much since then, and I am now happy, healthy and whole. I love my life, I have a terrific relationship with my sons.... I can honestly say that Al Anon saved my life.
Hugs and love
Barb
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
hi,
for myself i didnt have serenity for a long time because what i wanted, and what would bring me serenity were not the same road. and until i took the road of leaving. i didnt have it. then when i quit trying to make things work.. suddenly i found myself at peace.
for myself i didnt have serenity for a long time because what i wanted, and what would bring me serenity were not the same road. and until i took the road of leaving. i didnt have it. then when i quit trying to make things work.. suddenly i found myself at peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MN
Posts: 103
I am at that point now too..."how do you know"? I know what is good and bad...I know what I maybe should do...but don't want too........for those that choose to stay how do you go on when EVERYTHING they do directly affects you and your kids....maybe I think too long term but when he misses work 1-2 days per week and there is always an excuse other than alcohol....I think ok what are we doing when he loses that job? instead of yeah he got up and went to work today!!
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