haveing a hard time excepting the hate
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by formyboys 
missfixit that is the question. No I don't think I have excepted that he is a bad man, I still remember him as the man I married and have a hard time excepting him for who he is now. I know..when people show you who they are believe them. after 20 years I thought I knew him. Ive realized that you never really know anybody.
Do you think that part of your problem letting the "early kind version" of him go has to do with you. Maybe you don't want to admit you made a mistake or judged poorly? Someone said that to me a few years ago and I had an immediate reaction of NO. Then, over time, I thought maybe.... Some of the hardest stuff for me has been the negative insights about myself where I actively made bad decisions.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
My XAH...and I didn't know he was an A until the last year when we were breaking up hates me and is very bitter towards me even tho he filed without even talking to me about it. It's been somewhere around 5 years since the divorce and we haven't spoken for about 3 years...but he still likes to put in jabs, hate and bitterness on FB.
I am not nice because I laugh about it. Supposedly I got in the way of his happiness and the life he wanted. But here we are 5 years later and he only seems to have a worse attitude. Guess it wasn't me, eh?
But do you know who is much happier and is with a truly good man all around? Me.
He messed up when he lost me because I would have loved and cared for him because I vowed to do so but I am so grateful to be released from that vow. And he is not one bit happier, sounds grouchier than ever.
He recommended some music and a book. Which I introduced to him. I love the irony.
Apparently no one has introduced him to anything but another bottle of beer or weed.
The VA will shut down his health care if he tests positive. I cared about that but clearly he doesn't.
He has no reason to hate me. I think a lot of it was I was making very good money for the first few years, then became sick and couldn't work. His sugarmama had no more money and threw hissies when people came around and snuck him weed and didn't like being around booze. The booze made him sullen and angry.
Now he can indulge all he wants, but it doesn't look like that is really working out for him.
Dumping me was a great favor, I can see that now. And that ugliness he posts about me is merely a reflection upon him....and a great relief not to be around him.
I am not nice because I laugh about it. Supposedly I got in the way of his happiness and the life he wanted. But here we are 5 years later and he only seems to have a worse attitude. Guess it wasn't me, eh?
But do you know who is much happier and is with a truly good man all around? Me.
He messed up when he lost me because I would have loved and cared for him because I vowed to do so but I am so grateful to be released from that vow. And he is not one bit happier, sounds grouchier than ever.
He recommended some music and a book. Which I introduced to him. I love the irony.
Apparently no one has introduced him to anything but another bottle of beer or weed.
The VA will shut down his health care if he tests positive. I cared about that but clearly he doesn't.
He has no reason to hate me. I think a lot of it was I was making very good money for the first few years, then became sick and couldn't work. His sugarmama had no more money and threw hissies when people came around and snuck him weed and didn't like being around booze. The booze made him sullen and angry.
Now he can indulge all he wants, but it doesn't look like that is really working out for him.
Dumping me was a great favor, I can see that now. And that ugliness he posts about me is merely a reflection upon him....and a great relief not to be around him.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 5
As cliche as it sounds when I was reading your post I thought of the good ole serenity prayer. You obviously can't control his emotions, feelings or actions. Accept it and focus on you being better. Acceptance, courage and wisdom to know the differance. My ex has hated me for 20 plus years for a long time I tried so hard to just " be friends" I needed to hate to go away and at least for him to just like me....finally I realized what he thinks of me, how he looks at me or feels about me has zero to do with who I am. It's laughable now because I am so over the top happy, sober and blesses and he still wallows in his hate.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
Yes, my x hates me and is bitter as well. When I reflect on it, I am so blessed and happy to be in my own home free of the dysfunction. His mother supports his views and recently said to one of my daughters, "don't ever turn out like your mom." With what my children have to put up with, I am so blessed that they love me and love their dad to the best of their ability.
The fact that I get alimony, apparently drives him further into hatred. As a single person supporting two teenagers, I am closer to the poverty line than ever before. If I do something nice for myself or the kids (e.g. kayak with them), he has made sure I know I must be swimming in wealth and attempts to put me down for it. When our farmette sold, he said I was taking advantage of his families wealth. As time continues to pass, I am less and less affected by all of it. The pain of rudeness and hatred lasts but a moment versus days.
I had a thought that maybe the part of me that wishes him the best, still wants the best for him (stop the hatred, etc.), but as you know, he is the only one that can stop it and it is up to him to figure out his own happiness. I'll keep praying for him despite being challenged by the full surrender of it all. I win again since my surrendering gives me comfort while leaving it in God's (very capable) hands.
The fact that I get alimony, apparently drives him further into hatred. As a single person supporting two teenagers, I am closer to the poverty line than ever before. If I do something nice for myself or the kids (e.g. kayak with them), he has made sure I know I must be swimming in wealth and attempts to put me down for it. When our farmette sold, he said I was taking advantage of his families wealth. As time continues to pass, I am less and less affected by all of it. The pain of rudeness and hatred lasts but a moment versus days.
I had a thought that maybe the part of me that wishes him the best, still wants the best for him (stop the hatred, etc.), but as you know, he is the only one that can stop it and it is up to him to figure out his own happiness. I'll keep praying for him despite being challenged by the full surrender of it all. I win again since my surrendering gives me comfort while leaving it in God's (very capable) hands.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
"Before you diagnose yourself with low self esteem make sure you are not, in fact, surround by a$$holes" - Unknown
He hates you because you are holding him accountable for his behavior - behavior which he knows quite well is crappy. Let him spew all he wants - he's gone now.
He hates you because you are holding him accountable for his behavior - behavior which he knows quite well is crappy. Let him spew all he wants - he's gone now.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by formyboys
yes I was the only one trying to make him see that his drinking was damaging our family and was a problem. I became the "killjoy" among all the people we associated with. all our camping friends and such, I became the b#*ch that wouldn't let him have any fun.
He watched me raise my kids and always told people what an amazing mother I was ..my kids were always first. Now im this evil lousy selfish person who leaches off him and that is so far from the person I am it makes me sick. I was always so proud of the fact that he was proud of me. that says a lot doesn't it...
He watched me raise my kids and always told people what an amazing mother I was ..my kids were always first. Now im this evil lousy selfish person who leaches off him and that is so far from the person I am it makes me sick. I was always so proud of the fact that he was proud of me. that says a lot doesn't it...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by lillamy
Oh! I had to say one more thing: When I was a kid, when I came home and said "Thomas called me a name in school today", my parents would answer: "CONSIDER THE SOURCE!"
The first time they had to explain it -- Thomas, being the son of a single dad who drank too much and had a new girlfriend every week, was probably not a person whose opinion of myself I ought to respect, because he was a kid who probably had so much trouble in his own life that he lashed out at anything that moved.
I used that phrase a lot when AXH used to call me names. "Consider the source!"
And now I'm passing it on to you.
The first time they had to explain it -- Thomas, being the son of a single dad who drank too much and had a new girlfriend every week, was probably not a person whose opinion of myself I ought to respect, because he was a kid who probably had so much trouble in his own life that he lashed out at anything that moved.
I used that phrase a lot when AXH used to call me names. "Consider the source!"
And now I'm passing it on to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
so I guess Im in good company. seems to be the thing to do...treat your ex like crap as long as they will take it. Good lord...I am no longer his enabler, he has a replacement for that who is his "soulmate"...she is a drinker. and Im sure as good if not better at the enabling job as I was.
He was again mouthing off on some, Dads who hate to pay child support because our exs are deadbeats and lousy moms sight, Im told...something about he didn't mind supporting his son but having to support ME for the next 20 years burns his a#$....very mature.
I found it funny since I am raising our son on my own and working 2 jobs, one of which includes 12 hr shifts 3 days a week.
I ended up calling him on it by telling him I saw it and what was he thinking ? what if our son saw it? He apologized and said it wasn't meant that way??? right...kind of hard to take that wrong. bottom line was I told him not to contact me anymore by text or phone calls. Emails only and only in regards to wrapping up the last of our Divorce. Our son is 17, there is no need for us to have any contact. We have not coparented..ever. He does not ask me about grades or if he gets in trouble he does not discuss it with me. Im on my own with it so I don't see the point of pretending anymore. He says he talked about his anger towards me at his meeting a few nights ago....Im glad he is back at his meetings but man does he have a long way to go.
People change, He is not the man I lived with for 17 years...it happens I guess but I will always miss that man. He was such a good man...to bad life got the best of him and he let himself down. I don't think he was a bad decision...but it was a bad decision to stay as long as I did.
He was again mouthing off on some, Dads who hate to pay child support because our exs are deadbeats and lousy moms sight, Im told...something about he didn't mind supporting his son but having to support ME for the next 20 years burns his a#$....very mature.
I found it funny since I am raising our son on my own and working 2 jobs, one of which includes 12 hr shifts 3 days a week.
I ended up calling him on it by telling him I saw it and what was he thinking ? what if our son saw it? He apologized and said it wasn't meant that way??? right...kind of hard to take that wrong. bottom line was I told him not to contact me anymore by text or phone calls. Emails only and only in regards to wrapping up the last of our Divorce. Our son is 17, there is no need for us to have any contact. We have not coparented..ever. He does not ask me about grades or if he gets in trouble he does not discuss it with me. Im on my own with it so I don't see the point of pretending anymore. He says he talked about his anger towards me at his meeting a few nights ago....Im glad he is back at his meetings but man does he have a long way to go.
People change, He is not the man I lived with for 17 years...it happens I guess but I will always miss that man. He was such a good man...to bad life got the best of him and he let himself down. I don't think he was a bad decision...but it was a bad decision to stay as long as I did.
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