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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 127
Hi Emmy,
I understand. It's difficult to go anywhere and admit the situation you are in. I am in the same situation as you are and quite a few people on this board. How did we ever let ourselves get into a situation where alcohol has become more important? Because we love our men, but we don't get it back.
You are doing the right thing though - move back, and get yourself back to you. Love yourself and have a great time and never say never, my dad has met someone at the ripe age of 52! I've never seen him happier.
Stick to your ultimatum though, because this is where I have gone wrong. I let my boyfriend get away with it time after time, and now he thinks that he can drink until he passes out or he can take legal drugs because I let him away with it.
But keep posting here and letting us know how you are getting on, or if you need to rent or finding it tough. I'm getting advice myself and it helps so much to know that I have people supporting and listening to me. We're here for you as well
I understand. It's difficult to go anywhere and admit the situation you are in. I am in the same situation as you are and quite a few people on this board. How did we ever let ourselves get into a situation where alcohol has become more important? Because we love our men, but we don't get it back.
You are doing the right thing though - move back, and get yourself back to you. Love yourself and have a great time and never say never, my dad has met someone at the ripe age of 52! I've never seen him happier.
Stick to your ultimatum though, because this is where I have gone wrong. I let my boyfriend get away with it time after time, and now he thinks that he can drink until he passes out or he can take legal drugs because I let him away with it.
But keep posting here and letting us know how you are getting on, or if you need to rent or finding it tough. I'm getting advice myself and it helps so much to know that I have people supporting and listening to me. We're here for you as well
Clean since 1/11/14
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by emmy8466 
Lol @Worried - I agree, I'm done with musicians! Unfortunately, I only seem to be attracted to that type, so it's best that I just stay on my own.
super sexy bada$$ musician with tattoos and charm. Alcoholic, No money, no car, party all night, sleep all day, living with his mother.
And I said YES sign me up
Now is that my type? Heck no. It isn't anymore. We aren't attracted to the man who has everything together. They are "boring" and not even on our radar. We aren't on their radar either because we need to fix someone. They don't need to be fixed. Codependents love the drama. We love taking care of people.
Just my opinion. When I read what you wrote I had to put my thoughts out to you.
Welcome and big hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this. We have all been there and it his heartbreaking, gut wrenching, incredibly hard. Al anon has helped me so much in such a short period of time. Maybe you can check out a meeting?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I had to move back in with my mom last September after ending my 5+ year relationship with an A. I found a job right away and have been saving so last week I found a great little house to rent and have finally moved out with my sons. My brother and I are sharing expenses and it's just a perfect fit for us. You can do this. One step at a time. We're behind you all the way. It's not easy, but the peace of mind is so worth it. You deserve to be happy in your own peaceful home.
You hit it right on the head when you said with you taking care of everything, he has no reason to change. Hope everything goes smoothly, and also be prepared for a lot of big talk from him when he finds out your plans. Count on him to say just about anything to keep his comfy status quo intact. You will probably hear all kinds of promises and pretty words. Stay strong!
You hit it right on the head when you said with you taking care of everything, he has no reason to change. Hope everything goes smoothly, and also be prepared for a lot of big talk from him when he finds out your plans. Count on him to say just about anything to keep his comfy status quo intact. You will probably hear all kinds of promises and pretty words. Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by Trailsky
My AH is also a musician and these guys are my "type" too. My therapist and I had a great funny moment when she asked me to describe my AH when we met without emotion. Like an ad for him looking at him from the outside.
super sexy bada$$ musician with tattoos and charm. Alcoholic, No money, no car, party all night, sleep all day, living with his mother.
And I said YES sign me up
Now is that my type? Heck no. It isn't anymore. We aren't attracted to the man who has everything together. They are "boring" and not even on our radar. We aren't on their radar either because we need to fix someone. They don't need to be fixed. Codependents love the drama. We love taking care of people.
Just my opinion. When I read what you wrote I had to put my thoughts out to you.
Welcome and big hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this. We have all been there and it his heartbreaking, gut wrenching, incredibly hard. Al anon has helped me so much in such a short period of time. Maybe you can check out a meeting?
super sexy bada$$ musician with tattoos and charm. Alcoholic, No money, no car, party all night, sleep all day, living with his mother.
And I said YES sign me up
Now is that my type? Heck no. It isn't anymore. We aren't attracted to the man who has everything together. They are "boring" and not even on our radar. We aren't on their radar either because we need to fix someone. They don't need to be fixed. Codependents love the drama. We love taking care of people.
Just my opinion. When I read what you wrote I had to put my thoughts out to you.
Welcome and big hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this. We have all been there and it his heartbreaking, gut wrenching, incredibly hard. Al anon has helped me so much in such a short period of time. Maybe you can check out a meeting?
Wow, love that! Have me thinking here!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Hey Emmy, welcome to SR.
You've already gotten great advice so I don't have much to add to what's already been said. I do want to chime in & let you know that having been married to a musician for 20 years, I absolutely know what you are talking about with the groupies, hangers-on, bartenders, etc. I went to most gigs for many years because it is a part of RAH's life that we both have always enjoyed & until our DD was born, I really enjoyed the social aspect of the lifestyle.
I'm fortunate that my RAH never used this part of his life to encourage his addiction demons, but I've seen so, so many others do it. I found it difficult to develop friendships with the other wives & girlfriends because they were either too drama-oriented, too into the drugs/drinking themselves or I knew firsthand their spouses were cheating on them & it made it so uncomfortable for me. One wife told me she never worried about her husband because I was there in the audience most nights... I said, no.... I'm no narc, and if I were you I think I would surprise hubby by hiring a babysitter for your 5 kids & just SHOW UP one night. I really liked her as a person & felt awful knowing he cheated on her constantly.
There is NO WAY I would tolerate repeated disrespect like this & there's no reason that you should have to. It sounds to me like he's a cheater that drinks, not a drinker that cheats, kwim? I hope you find some peace soon!
You've already gotten great advice so I don't have much to add to what's already been said. I do want to chime in & let you know that having been married to a musician for 20 years, I absolutely know what you are talking about with the groupies, hangers-on, bartenders, etc. I went to most gigs for many years because it is a part of RAH's life that we both have always enjoyed & until our DD was born, I really enjoyed the social aspect of the lifestyle.
I'm fortunate that my RAH never used this part of his life to encourage his addiction demons, but I've seen so, so many others do it. I found it difficult to develop friendships with the other wives & girlfriends because they were either too drama-oriented, too into the drugs/drinking themselves or I knew firsthand their spouses were cheating on them & it made it so uncomfortable for me. One wife told me she never worried about her husband because I was there in the audience most nights... I said, no.... I'm no narc, and if I were you I think I would surprise hubby by hiring a babysitter for your 5 kids & just SHOW UP one night. I really liked her as a person & felt awful knowing he cheated on her constantly.
There is NO WAY I would tolerate repeated disrespect like this & there's no reason that you should have to. It sounds to me like he's a cheater that drinks, not a drinker that cheats, kwim? I hope you find some peace soon!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow Trailsky...this pin points my XAH to the T also. Once you realize all the BS that comes with those bad boys things really change LOL!
[QUOTE=Trailsky;4565473]My AH is also a musician and these guys are my "type" too. My therapist and I had a great funny moment when she asked me to describe my AH when we met without emotion. Like an ad for him looking at him from the outside.
super sexy bada$$ musician with tattoos and charm. Alcoholic, No money, no car, party all night, sleep all day, living with his mother.
And I said YES sign me up
Now is that my type? Heck no. It isn't anymore. We aren't attracted to the man who has everything together. They are "boring" and not even on our radar. We aren't on their radar either because we need to fix someone. They don't need to be fixed. Codependents love the drama. We love taking care of people.
[QUOTE=Trailsky;4565473]My AH is also a musician and these guys are my "type" too. My therapist and I had a great funny moment when she asked me to describe my AH when we met without emotion. Like an ad for him looking at him from the outside.
super sexy bada$$ musician with tattoos and charm. Alcoholic, No money, no car, party all night, sleep all day, living with his mother.
And I said YES sign me up
Now is that my type? Heck no. It isn't anymore. We aren't attracted to the man who has everything together. They are "boring" and not even on our radar. We aren't on their radar either because we need to fix someone. They don't need to be fixed. Codependents love the drama. We love taking care of people.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 18
Wow, trailsky and firesprite, I can't tell you how refreshing it is that you know exactly how it is. Life with a musician is so different, no one understands unless they've lived it. I only have a minute before I leave the office, but I want to thank you both for reaching out (and everyone else too!) and I would like to talk with you more.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Posted by emmy8466 I know it's wrong to spy, but I have to protect myself. If I hadn't been spying all of these years, I would have no idea of the things that he has done.
He does not know that I know.
I have put up with some crap so I get it... but I have to ask you...how are you protecting yourself? Simply having the knowledge that he is a lyeing cheating alcoholic isnt actually taking any protective action.
I confronted him recently and told him this was the last time we had this conversation and that I was leaving the next time. I got the same story about how he needs help, blah blah blah, but he never does anything about it
So, you told him this is the last time..but are you ready to back this up? Because if you dont he will just see it as blah blah blah from you.
I am not trying to be mean... And I get it. When I was with my first A I was bewildered by all of his alcoholic behaviors and his nightly drinking in the chair in front of the tv, not participating in family activities or even eating dinner with us..I knew he was an A... But disnt really understand all of what I knew. I just knew I was crazy and unhealthy in that relationship...it wasnt til my second A that I decided to educate myself about the family disease of Alcoholism. And that the only thing/person I can control is me. And that if I dont like my life, its my right and responsibility to change it/me!
Good luck
He does not know that I know.
I have put up with some crap so I get it... but I have to ask you...how are you protecting yourself? Simply having the knowledge that he is a lyeing cheating alcoholic isnt actually taking any protective action.
I confronted him recently and told him this was the last time we had this conversation and that I was leaving the next time. I got the same story about how he needs help, blah blah blah, but he never does anything about it
So, you told him this is the last time..but are you ready to back this up? Because if you dont he will just see it as blah blah blah from you.
I am not trying to be mean... And I get it. When I was with my first A I was bewildered by all of his alcoholic behaviors and his nightly drinking in the chair in front of the tv, not participating in family activities or even eating dinner with us..I knew he was an A... But disnt really understand all of what I knew. I just knew I was crazy and unhealthy in that relationship...it wasnt til my second A that I decided to educate myself about the family disease of Alcoholism. And that the only thing/person I can control is me. And that if I dont like my life, its my right and responsibility to change it/me!
Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 18
@involved ... I am protecting myself from being made a fool of. You may think that I am a fool anyway and that's okay. I found out after 12 years that my first husband had been cheating our whole marriage. I had no idea and was completely humiliated. I will never let myself be that vulnerable again. I would much rather be aware of what is going on than be blindsided with it. I don't expect everyone to understand it and without actually knowing me, you only know what I have said on here. Of course, there's a lot more to it. This is the first time I've ever talked to anyone about it, so it's not easy for me.
And yes, I am fully prepared to back up my statement to him that we are not having the conversation again.
And yes, I am fully prepared to back up my statement to him that we are not having the conversation again.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 127
Keep strong Emmy Stick to your guns and show him what he's lost. You are a much better person and you deserve to be treated better. There's no denying - he probably does love you, but not as much as alcohol or the cheap thrill of chasing after women. You owe yourself the chance to be happy and unfortunately, it just can't be with him.
Sending you a massive hug, and know that we're all here for you
Stick to your guns and show him what he's lost. You are a much better person and you deserve to be treated better. There's no denying - he probably does love you, but not as much as alcohol or the cheap thrill of chasing after women. You owe yourself the chance to be happy and unfortunately, it just can't be with him.Sending you a massive hug, and know that we're all here for you
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I am protecting myself from being made a fool of. You may think that I am a fool anyway and that's okay. I found out after 12 years that my first husband had been cheating our whole marriage. I had no idea and was completely humiliated. I will never let myself be that vulnerable again. I would much rather be aware of what is going on than be blindsided with it. I don't expect everyone to understand it and without actually knowing me, you only know what I have said on here. Of course, there's a lot more to it. This is the first time I've ever talked to anyone about it, so it's not easy for me.
For me, the humiliation was knowing he cheated on me and staying with him anyway. It wasn't just about the cheating. I fought really hard to keep this alcoholic layabout on my arm, even jeopardizing jobs and friends and familial relationships. In hindsight, it doesn't make any sense. Sure, I loved him, but where in this equation was respect for my needs and feelings? Where in this equation was his commitment to me? And why was I willing to tell myself I didn't need that? I went back again and again. He cheated on me -- he also stole from me and lied to my face over and over again. Over and over and over again.
My type? Tall, tattoos, terrible attitude. Punk musicians are like catnip for me. Historically I too was the badass with tattoos that kept up with the guys. My willingness to give up what was good for me so I could look cool and hang with the cool kids was indicative of deeper needs to be loved. I had to turn away from the superficial stuff and take a good hard look at myself and take responsibility for the unhappiness in my life.
If I may make a gentle suggestion, you could and should have a relationship where spying and cheating and lying is not part of the landscape.
Needing to spy is a red flag: he is not good for you. This is by definition a toxic relationship.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
[B][/ I am 100% certain that he will cheat again the first chance he gets, if he's had liquor. I honestly don't believe he would cheat/chat when sober.B]
I am sorry emmy..I know that I can come off as blunt. I mean no harm. Like I said, I understand your pain and where you are comeing from. I do not think you are a fool. And I understand your hurt. Cheating lyeing and manipulating and selfishness, are all behaviors of A's. there are many who have posted on here, myself included, about their A's and other women. I understand that it is hard for you to talk about..but your story has been told hundreds of times on this board. You are in the right place. It makes me sad for you that your husband has over and over disrespected your marriage vows, and after having gone thru this in your first marriage I am sorry you have yet again found yourself in the same situation. Alcoholism is progressive. Things will not get better until he chooses for himself. You can not change him. It is not that he is a muscician or surrounded by women who ply him with alcohol...it is BECAUSE he is an ALCOHOlIC. And thats what alcoholics do. I have myself been the spy...but spying doesnt mean you prevent anything. It just gives you proof...which btw he will prob deny...because thats what they do! You caught him once being physicaly unfaithful, and several more times being emotionally unfaithful and you are " I am 100% certain that he will cheat again the first chance he gets, if he's had liquor. I honestly don't believe he would cheat/chat when sober." There are many "yets" in an A's drinking career.. So please take care of you! Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me! Nothing changes if nothing changes and you cant control him, change him, or cure him. You can only do those 3c's to you! Good luck
I am sorry emmy..I know that I can come off as blunt. I mean no harm. Like I said, I understand your pain and where you are comeing from. I do not think you are a fool. And I understand your hurt. Cheating lyeing and manipulating and selfishness, are all behaviors of A's. there are many who have posted on here, myself included, about their A's and other women. I understand that it is hard for you to talk about..but your story has been told hundreds of times on this board. You are in the right place. It makes me sad for you that your husband has over and over disrespected your marriage vows, and after having gone thru this in your first marriage I am sorry you have yet again found yourself in the same situation. Alcoholism is progressive. Things will not get better until he chooses for himself. You can not change him. It is not that he is a muscician or surrounded by women who ply him with alcohol...it is BECAUSE he is an ALCOHOlIC. And thats what alcoholics do. I have myself been the spy...but spying doesnt mean you prevent anything. It just gives you proof...which btw he will prob deny...because thats what they do! You caught him once being physicaly unfaithful, and several more times being emotionally unfaithful and you are " I am 100% certain that he will cheat again the first chance he gets, if he's had liquor. I honestly don't believe he would cheat/chat when sober." There are many "yets" in an A's drinking career.. So please take care of you! Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me! Nothing changes if nothing changes and you cant control him, change him, or cure him. You can only do those 3c's to you! Good luck
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