Why do I let this bother me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
Why do I let this bother me?
It's been 4 months since my AH and I separated. I have been attending al anon, counseling and constantly reading up on codependency as well as this forum.
As soon as I decided that I was not going to help my AH anymore, his family turned on me. I know blood is thicker than water, but come on! I feel like I have been through hell and back trying to keep my AH alive: 4 rehabs, several detoxes and lets not forget the several trips to ER's and hospitals.
I can't tell you how bad this hurts. I'm trying so hard to move on and care for my kids all alone. No close family and no strong friendships yet as we just moved to a different state less than a year ago. I feel so alone.
I can't help but think, can't his family see what we have been through? That my girls need grandparents right now?? So confused!
Thanks
As soon as I decided that I was not going to help my AH anymore, his family turned on me. I know blood is thicker than water, but come on! I feel like I have been through hell and back trying to keep my AH alive: 4 rehabs, several detoxes and lets not forget the several trips to ER's and hospitals.
I can't tell you how bad this hurts. I'm trying so hard to move on and care for my kids all alone. No close family and no strong friendships yet as we just moved to a different state less than a year ago. I feel so alone.
I can't help but think, can't his family see what we have been through? That my girls need grandparents right now?? So confused!
Thanks
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It is quite common for this to happen. Can you reach out to Celebrate Recovery or Alanon to gain some support for YOU? When you separate you do indeed separate families. I am going through the same right now and it is hard, especially because of my nieces.
I encourage you to reach out to new places and gain the face to face support system you deserve.
XXX
I encourage you to reach out to new places and gain the face to face support system you deserve.
XXX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
Thanks hopeful4, I have heard great things about Celebrate Recovery. I'll give it a try. I miss my nieces and nephews as well and feel so bad for my kids.
My AH informed of all the horrible statements his family was saying about me. That he "deserves" to be happy, deserves someone less controlling, and less negative. Letting go is harder than I thought. I just want all of this stuff to get out of my head! I know healing is in the near future, but I guess set backs are normal.
On a positive note, I had my third interview with a pharmaceutical company yesterday. Here's to new beginnings!
My AH informed of all the horrible statements his family was saying about me. That he "deserves" to be happy, deserves someone less controlling, and less negative. Letting go is harder than I thought. I just want all of this stuff to get out of my head! I know healing is in the near future, but I guess set backs are normal.
On a positive note, I had my third interview with a pharmaceutical company yesterday. Here's to new beginnings!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
When I started my recovery, one of the first "spiritual" books I came across, outside of Al-Anon literature was "The 4 Agreements." I didn't fall in love with the book (but know others who have), but I do love one of the concepts: "Don't take anything personally."
Sounds simple but it's made a huge difference in my life. I keep circling back to it. One man expresses the concept this way: "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering."
Your husbands family is expressing their own anger, fear, confusion and denial. That's not about you. You know that you're not responsible for your husbands drinking, you can't control it and you can't cure it. But they don't know that, and their emotions are misdirected at you.
You've been doing for your husband for all these years what they cannot. They've been watching their son & brother struggle and suffer and I'm sure in their own way that they've been grateful the care that you've given him. But now, their sons problem has become their problem and they are likely frustrated, panicked and confused.
Just as you've suffered being the spouse of an alcoholic, they too are suffering being the parents or siblings of an alcoholic. It really is "too much for most of us."
Maybe in time they'll come around. You are still the mother of their grandchildren. But maybe they won't. Maybe your husband's family was already dysfunctional?
You've literally been through hell. You need to do whatever it takes to get healthier, more rested, stronger. You've got a life to live, and children to raise.
Don't know if that helps, but keep coming back.
Sounds simple but it's made a huge difference in my life. I keep circling back to it. One man expresses the concept this way: "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering."
Your husbands family is expressing their own anger, fear, confusion and denial. That's not about you. You know that you're not responsible for your husbands drinking, you can't control it and you can't cure it. But they don't know that, and their emotions are misdirected at you.
You've been doing for your husband for all these years what they cannot. They've been watching their son & brother struggle and suffer and I'm sure in their own way that they've been grateful the care that you've given him. But now, their sons problem has become their problem and they are likely frustrated, panicked and confused.
Just as you've suffered being the spouse of an alcoholic, they too are suffering being the parents or siblings of an alcoholic. It really is "too much for most of us."
Maybe in time they'll come around. You are still the mother of their grandchildren. But maybe they won't. Maybe your husband's family was already dysfunctional?
You've literally been through hell. You need to do whatever it takes to get healthier, more rested, stronger. You've got a life to live, and children to raise.
Don't know if that helps, but keep coming back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
Thanks Matt, You are so right, I do have children to raise. Sometimes I wish that I could get away and go to treatment. It's hard to remain so strong for the children, but I need to and will.
I know they are suffering, but why add more suffering on my plate? Just doesn't seem fair. I never bashed them when they were nowhere to be found when I needed help with him. I guess it feels good to get their anger out on me? And yes, I would say his family is somewhat dysfunctional. Lots of alcohol use and lack of empathy and emotion.
I'll try that book. Just need some more strength to move forward. Today is tough.
I know they are suffering, but why add more suffering on my plate? Just doesn't seem fair. I never bashed them when they were nowhere to be found when I needed help with him. I guess it feels good to get their anger out on me? And yes, I would say his family is somewhat dysfunctional. Lots of alcohol use and lack of empathy and emotion.
I'll try that book. Just need some more strength to move forward. Today is tough.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
I had to step outside of my comfort level and just have a straight talk with both my XABF's mom and dad about the situation. I told them that I've done all that I can do, and that no amount of love was going to be enough to help him. He has to want to help himself.
At first they both made noises that sounded sympathetic to my situation...and then I started getting passive/aggressive things on my Facebook feed about "if you love someone you love them with all of their flaws..." and "The best relationships are worth fighting for...". Naturally, I let these things slide...until I started receiving from other people, "Loving yourself is the greatest gift...", "You show others how you expect to be be treated. If you allow them to treat you poorly, they will continue to treat you poorly" and the like. I didn't have to lift a finger - others did it for me!
His dad has come around and understands, but we don't have the relationship we once did. His mom and I will never have the relationship we once had, and I'm fine with that. After all, given some time she'll come to understand. I'm sure she resents me opening her eyes to the truth of the situation - before I said anything she could deny it. And if she chooses to continue to deny and to enable, then it's on her what happens.
Please try to be gentle with yourself. Please don't "own" their feelings...you did the best you could with what you had/knew at the time. Now you know better so you do better. I had to remind myself that his family is what helped to cause his situation, so I can't expect them to be understanding.
Get the help that you need for yourself...keep working on helping YOU now. Since you're not expending so much energy towards him, hopefully you have a bit left over for yourself.
At first they both made noises that sounded sympathetic to my situation...and then I started getting passive/aggressive things on my Facebook feed about "if you love someone you love them with all of their flaws..." and "The best relationships are worth fighting for...". Naturally, I let these things slide...until I started receiving from other people, "Loving yourself is the greatest gift...", "You show others how you expect to be be treated. If you allow them to treat you poorly, they will continue to treat you poorly" and the like. I didn't have to lift a finger - others did it for me!
His dad has come around and understands, but we don't have the relationship we once did. His mom and I will never have the relationship we once had, and I'm fine with that. After all, given some time she'll come to understand. I'm sure she resents me opening her eyes to the truth of the situation - before I said anything she could deny it. And if she chooses to continue to deny and to enable, then it's on her what happens.
Please try to be gentle with yourself. Please don't "own" their feelings...you did the best you could with what you had/knew at the time. Now you know better so you do better. I had to remind myself that his family is what helped to cause his situation, so I can't expect them to be understanding.
Get the help that you need for yourself...keep working on helping YOU now. Since you're not expending so much energy towards him, hopefully you have a bit left over for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Know the feeling well. I am the devils spawn per my MIL and BIL/SIL, but I understand the hurt you are feeling. I/we don't have children so at least I don't have to deal with that hurt piled on children.
You may want to check out divorcecare also. I have, but have not pursued it yet but will once I can get rid of the bad piece of tape stuck to me
.
You may want to check out divorcecare also. I have, but have not pursued it yet but will once I can get rid of the bad piece of tape stuck to me
.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
It's good to know that other people have been in my situation. I do need to start loving myself again. A part of me has been lost years ago. I need to find that!
Its just hard to know that his entire family is accusing me of causing his alcoholism. They claim if I would have been his "rock" none of this would have happened. Who's my rock??
Thanks for all of your replies.
Its just hard to know that his entire family is accusing me of causing his alcoholism. They claim if I would have been his "rock" none of this would have happened. Who's my rock??
Thanks for all of your replies.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Same here. The worst crime I could commit was telling the truth about myself and my experiences and how my STBXAH's alcoholism affected me, my children, and my household. They vacillate between hating me and dismissing me. They decided I was controlling and mean to him, and he was just a wounded bird that needed their unconditional love. They never heard me when we were together, and when I reached out for help they were all words and no action. I do need support in my life, but not that kind of support. I don't go to that well anymore -- it's dry.
My own family has had a difficult time with the reality also. My mom in particular, with whom I have a complicated and tumultuous relationship, likes to rewrite the story to make it a sad case of two kids who just couldn't work things out. I'll say something about something my ex did that was particularly egregious, and she'll be like, "Really? I don't remember that at all." And I'll remind her that she was there and witnessed it with her own eyes. In my life, whenever bad things happened to me (and they did) she looked the other way, so selective amnesia is not new for her either. I used to be really invested in getting her to see my side, but thanks to SR and therapy I no longer strive to get people rooted in denial to see what I know to be true. I just don't. I don't need their validation to make choices about my life anymore.
On social media, I block these people from seeing my daily activity. I blocked my ex and his family on Facebook, and I blocked my own mom. They don't need to have unfettered access to me, and it saves me the heartache every time they pop into my feed with weird inspirational quotes and anecdotes about how great life is. Probably vice-versa too.
My own family has had a difficult time with the reality also. My mom in particular, with whom I have a complicated and tumultuous relationship, likes to rewrite the story to make it a sad case of two kids who just couldn't work things out. I'll say something about something my ex did that was particularly egregious, and she'll be like, "Really? I don't remember that at all." And I'll remind her that she was there and witnessed it with her own eyes. In my life, whenever bad things happened to me (and they did) she looked the other way, so selective amnesia is not new for her either. I used to be really invested in getting her to see my side, but thanks to SR and therapy I no longer strive to get people rooted in denial to see what I know to be true. I just don't. I don't need their validation to make choices about my life anymore.
On social media, I block these people from seeing my daily activity. I blocked my ex and his family on Facebook, and I blocked my own mom. They don't need to have unfettered access to me, and it saves me the heartache every time they pop into my feed with weird inspirational quotes and anecdotes about how great life is. Probably vice-versa too.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 16
Oh, iwant, I feel like I could have written your post myself. The only difference is that my AH's family hasn't been as hostile as yours sounds like they have been - but there is definitely a good dose of resentment and accusation flying around. I am just trying to remember that I don't have to let their (or anyone's) opinions define me.
Take care of you.
Take care of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
I'm sorry to hear that about your mom! My family has been super supportive. They still don't bash him either. They just want me to pull through for the kids and for my own mental status.
They view him as sick and needs encouragement. Well, honestly, I can't do it anymore. You can only handle so much verbal abuse and not to mention some physical abuse. No one deserves that! They still don't believe he actually harmed me physically. Don't they realize that alcoholics lie and believe their lies? I feel like this is enabling him even further.
He was once a kind, gentle, loving husband. Now, he is turning into a monster. Alcohol addiction is a wild beast! My mother died of cancer while I was pregnant. That was difficult to say the least, however, I'm finding this situation much harder to bear. I just want to find peace! Everyday is getting easier and the more I am away from the situation, the more reality sets in. I wish I would have left years ago. I would not have wasted so much of my energy and strength in trying to get him better. When people told me that approach would not work, I didn't believe them. How I was wrong!
They view him as sick and needs encouragement. Well, honestly, I can't do it anymore. You can only handle so much verbal abuse and not to mention some physical abuse. No one deserves that! They still don't believe he actually harmed me physically. Don't they realize that alcoholics lie and believe their lies? I feel like this is enabling him even further.
He was once a kind, gentle, loving husband. Now, he is turning into a monster. Alcohol addiction is a wild beast! My mother died of cancer while I was pregnant. That was difficult to say the least, however, I'm finding this situation much harder to bear. I just want to find peace! Everyday is getting easier and the more I am away from the situation, the more reality sets in. I wish I would have left years ago. I would not have wasted so much of my energy and strength in trying to get him better. When people told me that approach would not work, I didn't believe them. How I was wrong!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by iwanthappiness 
I know they are suffering, but why add more suffering on my plate? Just doesn't seem fair. I never bashed them when they were nowhere to be found when I needed help with him. I guess it feels good to get their anger out on me? And yes, I would say his family is somewhat dysfunctional. Lots of alcohol use and lack of empathy and emotion.
When I needed help with XAH they all said they would help, but then found "reasons" why they were unable to. Pack of ungrateful arseholes.
XAH's mother has not contacted her grandchildren in more than 2 years. Not even a phone call or a card on their birthdays.
N O T H I N G. Makes me hate that woman and her family even more.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
As they sing in Frozen -
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care what they're going to say
Your Higher Power is your rock. Your Higher Power is ever present in your life, and is ready for you to turn all of the garbage over. Throw the garbage at your Higher Power. He can take it and more.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care what they're going to say
Originally Posted by iwanthappiness
Who's my rock??
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm so sorry. I know that feeling of betrayal well. My husband's family blamed me also. Once when my husband was still actively drinking my MIL told me she was going to hire an attorney for him and that he was going to file for divorce ASAP. I reached out another time to one of his brothers after my husband was very drunk and grabbed my arm, I was terrified. My BIL ignored me and contracted my husband and told him he needed to hire an attorney ASAP. This was all about 2 - 3 months after our second daughter was born. Some family, huh?
As I've gone further into my own recovery I've gone completely no contact with his family, and my kids are no contact with them as well. His family also has rampant alcohol abuse issues in addition to other dysfunction. I just don't want their toxicity in my life at all at this point, and especially not in my kids' lives. I don't care who they are or who they're related to. IMO, having no extended family is better than having super dysfunctional, alcoholic, toxic extended family.
As I've gone further into my own recovery I've gone completely no contact with his family, and my kids are no contact with them as well. His family also has rampant alcohol abuse issues in addition to other dysfunction. I just don't want their toxicity in my life at all at this point, and especially not in my kids' lives. I don't care who they are or who they're related to. IMO, having no extended family is better than having super dysfunctional, alcoholic, toxic extended family.
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