EmmyG

I had my mom meet me to get the boys to her house and then I picked up my mother-in-law from the airport. She flew in from London. She knows AH is going downhill and she wants to try to get him to see a neurologist for whatever is going on with that lump they found.

We got to my house and AH was there, in a stupor, SMOKING in our bedroom. He doesn't smoke unless he's wasted. But I do not like it, and I don't want it inside the house. He just glared at me when I came in. There were empty alcohol bottles everywhere. I didn't talk to him, just got all of my clothes and the kids' clothes and loaded them into the car. Then I went and locked myself into the boys' room and went to sleep. This morning I grabbed a few more things and left. I texted his mom and told her I'm going to my parents' to be with the boys after work and I won't be coming back, but that I'm here for her and she can see the boys anytime. She said she understood, but that I should have told her before I left this morning. She sounds irritated that I'm leaving. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? Her son grabbed me by the throat. I told her this. She saw him last night, stumbling around drunk. I don't know what she expects from me. I'm not trying to "dump" him on her, but I don't have anything left and he's her son. Her 35-year-old son. I'm not going to do what she does, which is keep saying "I'll speak to him about it" but nothing further, or making him soup and catering to him. Pardon my language but F*C* that. I'm not babying him anymore. I stuck it out for seven years, I don't want to be made to feel like I'm abandoning him.

honeypig

Emmy, just wanted to second your "F*** that" in a great big way!

You're doing great. Hang in there.

Stung

Yeah, this is what I ran into too. Other enablers REALLY hate it when you stop enabling. Now you're the enemy because you're not "helping" him. This is why getting a police report is helpful for you right now. Most enablers are about as difficult to change as getting the alcoholic to change. She knows he has a problem but he's still her first priority. She's there because she still thinks that she can help him. The ONLY person that can help him is himself.

Hugs, Emmy. Try to keep them out of your mind for the time being. Enjoy your boys and your family.

CodeJob

Emmy,

Just keep walking away. She volunteered to come across the pond. She might have thought you were exagerating?

Time to practice a Gallic Shrug I do believe -

The Gallic Shrug | the untours blog

hopeful4

Emmy....my sister in law did so many things to "encourage" us to stay together. While we have a good relationship, I am no fool. She knew once I stopped enabling and mothering him he would either have to man up or she would have to do it. He is staying w/her right now lol.

His mom is likely in shock and has no idea what to do. You know the saying, misery loves company. You are not dumping him on her, he is dumping himself.

Keep marching forward my friend!

ps...I mean a good relationship w/sis in law, not my AH!

lillamy

Well, those are her feelings, and she is responsible for them. Not you.

LoveMeNow

Hopefully, she will take him home with her......

Just kidding.......kind of.

JustAGirl1971

Lol. I was kinda thinking this, too.

I'm sorry, Emmy. Really, I would not waste my time worrying about what his mother thinks or feels. Just take care of you and your precious boys.

theuncertainty

Well.... she's rather lucky that you were there at all. There's no way any one could have convinced me to spend the night under the same roof as AXH once I realized that I didn't have to put up with what he did. As nice as she may have been in the past / may very well still be, she can go suck eggs.

My xSIL was 'incredibly disappointed' when I left her brother. Her husband was putting his foot down on her 'helping' him and she was scared AXH would have to fend for himself. It took quite a bit of work for me to finally not take on her feelings. When I finally stood up for myself, I didn't handle it as well as I should have... I blew up and started yelling "Let me tell you about your brother..." and started rattling off a ton of the cr-ppy things he's done.

So, you handled yourself quite well. (Especially compared to how I did )

Florence

You definitely can't control her reaction.

My thoughts? She's ticked because she thinks you've effectively handed him back to her now. Your problem, lady!

Or, as we know, not. This dynamic existed long before you and it will long after you. She will have to figure out what level of involvement is good for her.

Trailsky

You are so awesome! Way to go

Catherine628

I think you are doing the right thing. You are getting yourself and your kids into a healthy environment. Staying in the situation wouldn't do any good for any of you. When you are in the middle of the situation its so hard to see that sometimes "help" is actually doing harm. Sounds like you get this but his mom isn't ready to let go. Good luck.

Seren

I believe it was Anvil who said "You can't abandon a grown man."

Please take good care of yourself and those precious boys!

Rosiepetal

You have done the right thing & you are making a healthy choice for yourself & your children.
Hold that head high & don't look back, one foot in front of the other & one day at a time.
Hugs.

HopefulinFLA

Ick, sorry you're dealing with this crap Emmy.

No one is responsible for anyone but themselves (referring to grown adults). You are not responsible for the well being of your husband, and neither is his mother. If she chooses to take that on then it's her problem, her choice, not yours.

You have children to look after, his children. I'd say you're doing your fair share.