Came SO close to getting sucked back in...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Came SO close to getting sucked back in...
Tonight I went to my XABF's place to get the rest of my things. He had texted me and asked if I wanted to "hang out", seeing as how it's the 4 year anniversary of the day we met.
When I got there he seemed genuinely ready and willing to talk about "us"...so I put in a load of laundry (might as well get some use out of my time while I'm there) and sat down to talk.
First he said how much he missed me...he hugged me very tight...and then kissed me. He said he was sorry for the way he treated me, but was it really so horrible? I replied, "You were sleeping with your ex the same weekend I was supposed to move in....so YES, it really WAS that horrible!" I also explained that he lied to me, ignored me, and took me for granted. I told him I moved out so that I could get healthy within myself, because a healthy person would never have tolerated such foolishness from a person who claims to love them.
He asked if I thought my actions were all warranted and just (kindly). I said no, they sure weren't. I overreacted a lot, I tried to be controlling, I didn't handle things in a healthy way for either of us, but in the end, I did what I knew at the time....now I know better so I do better. I said that I spent all of my time and energy focused on him, and he spent all of his time and energy focused on him. He asked a bit snidely if I had read that in one of my "groups"...and I said I hadn't, but I would definitely share it.
We talked a lot more about how things went wrong...both what he did and what I did. He sounded so contrite. Then I started packing up things and he said, "Woah, you're going crazy. Do you plan on not ever coming back?" to which I replied, "Do you plan on ever getting help for your drinking?" He said, "No, I don't need help. I don't want to quit drinking, I just want to get it under control." I shrugged and just looked at him.
After he told me about more of his drunken escapades and what sounds like a mini stroke and some blackouts, I told him that he is committing suicide in slow-motion, is that what he wants? Does he want to put his loved ones through that...watching him die a slow and DELIBERATE death? He just shrugged and said something in the affirmative. I told him that I couldn't stand by and watch the man I love and have loved for so long go through that. If he decides that he wants to get help, I can provide him with plenty of resources, but until that time, I simply can't, for my own sanity, be a part of it.
He even asked me for sex tonight! Naturally I said no...I wasn't a booty call, and I may have allowed him and others to treat me with less respect than I deserved in the past, but those days are over. He whined, "But one of the things you complained about was that we were never intimate anymore, and now that I'm not drunk and want to be, you don't want to." I explained that I had to feel safe and loved in order to be physically intimate with someone...and at the moment he provides neither of those things to me, so no...I can't and won't do it. He said OK and dropped the issue. He asked then if I'd spend the night - to which I also replied no. As much as I would love to cuddle with him and sleep next to him, the same rules apply - I need to feel safe and loved, and I wasn't going to just give into his whims like I did in the past. Boy, he must have been so frustrated - but to his credit he was a real sport about it...if a pathetic sport.
I apologize for all of the back and forth, "He said, then I said" stuff, but I wanted to write it down so I can revisit it later and feel so PROUD of how well I handled it. I really thought for a few moments, "THIS is the man I fell in love with! He's BACK!"...but then he kept talking, and I realized it was just more manipulation, using the same tactics that he's always used to get his way in the past. He tried to make me feel crazy for leaving ("You didn't even give me a chance...had I known you were THAT miserable that you were thinking of leaving, I could have had an opportunity to change and do better. You didn't even give me the opportunity, you had everything all set in motion before even telling me you were thinking of moving out.") Pointing out that I had told him so many times how I felt but he refused to listen was useless. Then he said that I got mad that he didn't have any time for me...when I moved out to have more time to heal myself...what was he SUPPOSED to do? Again I replied that I told him what I wanted from him, he said he was going to provide it, then didn't.
I'm emotionally exhausted and need to get to bed...but like I said, I just HAD to get this written down before I forget most of it.
Thank you for being there for me...if it hadn't been for you guys, my other support group, and the literature I read daily I wouldn't have had the strength to do what I needed to do. I feel so peaceful right now....
When I got there he seemed genuinely ready and willing to talk about "us"...so I put in a load of laundry (might as well get some use out of my time while I'm there) and sat down to talk.
First he said how much he missed me...he hugged me very tight...and then kissed me. He said he was sorry for the way he treated me, but was it really so horrible? I replied, "You were sleeping with your ex the same weekend I was supposed to move in....so YES, it really WAS that horrible!" I also explained that he lied to me, ignored me, and took me for granted. I told him I moved out so that I could get healthy within myself, because a healthy person would never have tolerated such foolishness from a person who claims to love them.
He asked if I thought my actions were all warranted and just (kindly). I said no, they sure weren't. I overreacted a lot, I tried to be controlling, I didn't handle things in a healthy way for either of us, but in the end, I did what I knew at the time....now I know better so I do better. I said that I spent all of my time and energy focused on him, and he spent all of his time and energy focused on him. He asked a bit snidely if I had read that in one of my "groups"...and I said I hadn't, but I would definitely share it.
We talked a lot more about how things went wrong...both what he did and what I did. He sounded so contrite. Then I started packing up things and he said, "Woah, you're going crazy. Do you plan on not ever coming back?" to which I replied, "Do you plan on ever getting help for your drinking?" He said, "No, I don't need help. I don't want to quit drinking, I just want to get it under control." I shrugged and just looked at him.
After he told me about more of his drunken escapades and what sounds like a mini stroke and some blackouts, I told him that he is committing suicide in slow-motion, is that what he wants? Does he want to put his loved ones through that...watching him die a slow and DELIBERATE death? He just shrugged and said something in the affirmative. I told him that I couldn't stand by and watch the man I love and have loved for so long go through that. If he decides that he wants to get help, I can provide him with plenty of resources, but until that time, I simply can't, for my own sanity, be a part of it.
He even asked me for sex tonight! Naturally I said no...I wasn't a booty call, and I may have allowed him and others to treat me with less respect than I deserved in the past, but those days are over. He whined, "But one of the things you complained about was that we were never intimate anymore, and now that I'm not drunk and want to be, you don't want to." I explained that I had to feel safe and loved in order to be physically intimate with someone...and at the moment he provides neither of those things to me, so no...I can't and won't do it. He said OK and dropped the issue. He asked then if I'd spend the night - to which I also replied no. As much as I would love to cuddle with him and sleep next to him, the same rules apply - I need to feel safe and loved, and I wasn't going to just give into his whims like I did in the past. Boy, he must have been so frustrated - but to his credit he was a real sport about it...if a pathetic sport.
I apologize for all of the back and forth, "He said, then I said" stuff, but I wanted to write it down so I can revisit it later and feel so PROUD of how well I handled it. I really thought for a few moments, "THIS is the man I fell in love with! He's BACK!"...but then he kept talking, and I realized it was just more manipulation, using the same tactics that he's always used to get his way in the past. He tried to make me feel crazy for leaving ("You didn't even give me a chance...had I known you were THAT miserable that you were thinking of leaving, I could have had an opportunity to change and do better. You didn't even give me the opportunity, you had everything all set in motion before even telling me you were thinking of moving out.") Pointing out that I had told him so many times how I felt but he refused to listen was useless. Then he said that I got mad that he didn't have any time for me...when I moved out to have more time to heal myself...what was he SUPPOSED to do? Again I replied that I told him what I wanted from him, he said he was going to provide it, then didn't.
I'm emotionally exhausted and need to get to bed...but like I said, I just HAD to get this written down before I forget most of it.
Thank you for being there for me...if it hadn't been for you guys, my other support group, and the literature I read daily I wouldn't have had the strength to do what I needed to do. I feel so peaceful right now....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
Well done. That takes strength. It also takes having had enough and knowing when we're beaten.
And you have that written record above for future reference of him trying every which way, except the one way that would make the most difference and mean the most to you, (and to him too, although he doesn't know it) - to get help to stop drinking.
Wish you well
And you have that written record above for future reference of him trying every which way, except the one way that would make the most difference and mean the most to you, (and to him too, although he doesn't know it) - to get help to stop drinking.
Wish you well
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Oh. My. Goodness! Good job for standing your ground and speaking your truth with confidence and peace! Its as if the invasion of the body snatchers got ahold of you and the new awake and assured you has arrived. You're an inspiration..thanks for sharing your story! 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Melly, you are growing and learning in leaps and bounds! Good job on holding your line firm, and thanks so much for sharing. I love to read stuff like this; it helps me keep on moving forward when it's so tempting to just slack off and drift backwards w/the current...
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