veroww

My hubby and I have been together since college. He has always drank and smoked weed but it has never been like this. We have been separated since fathers day 2011.
Still trying to get him home.
He has been with anyone he wants to be, done any drug, and definitely any type of alcohol around. I need help for myself my children and definitely an intervention for him.
Please help

Ofelie

Somehow that song by Kenny Rogers hits home right now...

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run."

I am so sorry you and your kids have been going through life with an addict. It sounds like it is escalating, as it always does, and maybe it is time for you to devise a plan to get yourself and your children out of this situation. Could you provide us with a little more info...

ladyscribbler

Still trying to get him home.

It sounds to me like everything is right where it needs to be. You've been separated for nearly 3 years and he is still spiraling down. Probably best if you and your kids don't have front row seats for that.
Alanon would be a good place for you to start, and depending on the ages of your kids, Alateen for them. Lots of times the meetings are simultaneous so you can kill two birds with one stone. You'll find a great deal of support and help for yourself and your kids there.
As for an intervention, if he wanted to quit and get help and go back to the family, it seems like he would have done that by now. From your post it sounds like he is doing exactly what he wants to be doing and has no plans to change.
I agree with Ophelie- maybe its time to start looking at what steps you can take to unstick yourself from this situation.

AnvilheadII

hon, he's been gone THREE years, and hasn't looked back. he doesn't need the intervention. but YOU DO. while he's out tearing it up, drugging it up, sleeping around, numbed out on life, you are waiting for the door to open and him to return.

ask yourself....WHY? why after 3 years of your life, your children's lives, and all his drug addled actions, WHY are you still trying to get him back? what do his ACTIONS tell you?

let go. move on. put your energies into YOU and your kids.

m1k3

Something that I learned here that really helped is the 3 c's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it
I can't cure it.

He's shown you who he really is and it isn't a good husband and father. Maybe it's time for you to let go and move on?

Your friend,

veroww

He doesn't have anyone else only the kids and me. He doesn't talk to his dad and his mom is like he is a man and men do whatever they want and you need to allow them. I have gotten information on the meetings I am going on Tuesday evening

AnvilheadII

oh i'd say it's a safe bet he hasn't been completely ALONE for the past three years. especially more that just his parents! you are NOT all he has...that makes you sound like his savior. he's managing just fine.

i hope you get to your meeting tonite! what a great step in self care!

veroww

He has surrounded himself with drug addicts and alcoholics. He has removed himself from his family and friend that care for him.

hopeful4

There is not a single thing you can do except accept that until he wants help for himself he will not seek recovery or any people who may push him in that direction.

Let Go and Let God.

Keep working on what you can do for you and your children.

I am sorry.

ladyscribbler

That is the choice he is making. Water seeks its own level. Being around friends and family who care wouldn't have any effect on his behavior, and he is actually doing all of you a favor by staying away. At least he's not using you all for money/place to stay/etc.
Have you looked into Alanon yet? At my meeting yesterday I heard something really great- God cannot move either one of you where you need to be if you stay tethered together.
Sounds like he has already checked out of this relationship. It might be time for you to start letting go, as hard as that may seem right now.

lillamy

Babe, this thought, expressed daily by my alcoholic husband, kept me tethered to him for years. How on earth could I abandon this person who didn't have anyone else in the whole wide world?

Funny thing is, after I left him, his social life became just fine thank you very much. Girlfriends moved in and out, he forfeited many of his weekends with the kids because he had parties he needed to go to, girlfriends he needed to see...

Most of us are only as alone as we choose to be. And that goes for addicts as well. As lady scribbler said -- as addics go downhill, they tend to choose to surround themselves with people who won't judge them; people who are themselves addicts, because that makes continuing the addiction easier.

He's an adult. He's not your child. You have NO responsibility for him. (No control over him either but that's sort of another issue.)

You do, however, have responsibility for yourself and your children. That's where your attention and energy is best spent. That's where it counts.