lillamy

Denial and fear. Denial that the problem was as bad as it was. I think that was the main reason. For many, many years. Fear of what he would do if I left -- not to himself, but to me.

I didn't want to admit that I had married a man who was an alcoholic. My parents even pointed it out to me, and I was furious with them.

I also really, truly believed that I had no right to break up the family. That marriage vows were forever, and that if I had made my bed that way, I was obligated to lie in it.

I was proud. I wasn't like those women who divorced their husbands at the slightest little problem. No, I was strong and I loved better than other women, because I was convinced I could love him out of his addiction and mental health problems. Love and prayer would fix everything. And if it didn't, I still didn't feel I had the right to leave.

I also reasoned like this: If I left him, what would that teach my children? That we have the right to stop loving people and abandon them when things get rough? The fact that he was an alcoholic was only part of who he was. Leaving an alcoholic would be like leaving someone with a brain tumor. And I would be teaching my children conditional love and that would be a bad thing.

That was what I would tell myself and people who asked. But there was a deeper reason. I was afraid of him. I was terrified of how he would react if I told him I wanted a divorce. I had "married up" so to speak -- he had the money, the contacts, the standing in the community. I was convinced he would lawyer up, paint me as insane, and take the children away from me.

The fear was what kept me in that marriage the last five years.

It was a well-founded fear. But it didn't play out as I thought. His abuse and control got worse and worse as his alcoholism progressed. When I finally did say the D-word, he told me he would kill us all and then commit suicide.

And somehow, when it got to that point, my survival instinct, and my instinct to protect my children, meant more than all those things I had been telling myself for so long.

Now, I think conditional love is what we do need to teach our children. Because it's not love if the other person treats you like garbage. I don't know what it is, but it's not love.

I'm proud -- a good proud -- of teaching my children that when someone treats you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to walk away. Always. Even if the other person has a brain tumor.

dandylion

Thanks. lillamy for this response. This is very interesting--becaause I was recently reading a book about the special problems of being married to rich and powerful men (who are abusive), The therapist, who wrote the book, made a big point of saying that the women who are "trapped" in this type of situation.....will often garner the courage to break away when it becomes apparent that THEIR CHILDREN'S LIVES ARE IN DANGER.....even when they couldn't seem to do it before....

dandylion