FreeFall

One of my best friends (former drinking buddies) is having major issues with alcohol and possibly prescription drugs. I actually quit when we first found out about it all (she had been successfully hiding it for years) thinking we could be sober buddies instead and it might help us both.

She is having episodes of blacking out, falling, partial paralysis of legs/foot, memory issues, confusion, etc. She has been in and out of the ER and they know it's alcohol so now they send her back home. She is in massive denial, as is her mother, who is enabling her by letting her work at their family business (a bar/restaurant) which puts her in a place surrounded by booze and gives her money to buy more. Mom keeps threatening that she can't work anymore if she's drinking on the job, and then catches her and does nothing. She pays her bills for her as well, so there are no consequences
to her actions.

As friends, we see her growing weaker and more frail by the day. Her eyes are huge and she has a haunted look about her. Skinny as a rail and not eating. She's admitted she's very depressed, has lied about keeping doctor's appointments, and has recently said her insurance has stopped due to Obamacare. She volunteered to go to a rehab for a week, came out and went right back to drinking. She had to go to a medical rehab one for 2 weeks and came out so much better, but again, went back to same lifestyle.

I'm here to ask if there's anything we can do as friends to make a difference. If there is an approach that has worked better (ie tough love vs. supporting without tackling the issues). I keep reading (and know firsthand) that she has to be ready, but if she's not ready is she just doomed and are we just waiting for the tragedy to happen? I hate the feeling that the wake up call may be something horrible. Does an intervention work with someone who's in denial?
Afraid if we go that route it will push her over the edge. Arghhhhhh

Hammer

Bottom line up front? No.

Not much you can do.

An observation made by the folks who put AA together is that Sometimes other (Recovered or Recovering) Alcoholics can manage to reach and help other Alcoholics -- but towards your question if Family and/or Friends can do much . . . does not seem to be a whole lot.

The way we (the Alanon / Friends and Family side) sort of short-hand express this is:

YOU: Cannot Cure, Cause or Control it. "It" being Alcoholism or the Alcoholic.

We call that the 3-C's. That lets us go live our lives and take care of the things we need to.

Sometime Families and Friends do what is called an "Intervention." They get together, and express the problem to the A -- and ship them off to Rehab -- Which per the now nearly a century old model is operated by . . . . Recovered and/or Recovering Alcoholics.

Best to you and your friend.

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, it must be horrible seeing a friend sink like this. Unfortunately there's nothing you or anyone can do if she continues to drink. We're powerless over people, places and things. You can pray, maybe that will help. In the meantime I hope you go to AA if you believe you're an alcoholic (it saved my life!). To get through this I recommend the support of Alanon. And keep posting, so many of us have had our hearts broken by alcoholics.

Of all the addictions, I think alcoholism is the worse because it takes down the alcoholic and the friends/family who care about him/her.

CodeJob

Freefall, if you were to stage any sort on intervention , you'd need enabling mom to participate. If this haunted frail A is your former drinking buddy, would she be open to your friendship now? Could u invite her to a meeting?

I see the Knapp quote. Have you read Gail Caldwell's Lets Take the Long Way Home? It is just a beautiful book about their friendship, their dogs, Gail's drinking and her grief when Caroline died. It is truly a gem of a book. Caroline Knapp was an incredible writer taken much too soon from this earth.

Your friend seems on a fast track. I hope you catch her sober so you can talk from your heart what she means to you. Peace.

FreeFall

Thank you all for your advice, support, and food for thought.

I hadn't heard of that book but will definitely read it. Maybe I will order it for my friend as well.

We are still really close, it's just in a weird way. When she's sober she's in denial so we can't really have heart to hearts any more like we used to. I also think it set up a barrier when I quit drinking-she acts differently toward me, we're not in same "club" anymore.

If we did an intervention it would have to be for both mom and daughter I think. My gut tells me they're not ready for that and would resent it. I don't think they'd let us cart her off to rehab. I think she's more the type to respond to a bad consequence (like a dui or house foreclosure).

It is hard watching someone go downhill so fast. Like waiting for a train wreck.
I just don't want to go to a funeral. I told her that once and she said "oh, don't worry, you won't have to do that" I said "how do you know that?" complete silence.

FreeFall

Update, my friend is back in the hospital again. She's in complete denial that drinking is causing or making her health issues worse. She's even saying that her doctor has said drinking won't help, but she would have "this" even if she weren't a drinker (no one knows what "this" is-and she made a magical recovery when she was in a pt rehab for two weeks with no booze).

How do people deal with it when the person is in denial like that? Do you challenge them about it? Correct them if what they're saying is completely false? Go along with whatever they say because it won't matter until they "get it" anyway? Support them so they don't feel abandoned? Walk away?

marie1960

You do not have to engage in the dance of denial. Or get caught up in any of the 100 reasons of nonsense of why this is happening. Pretty sure the doctors clearly explained the situation to her, she is just trying to justify her choices.

Currently, you want more for your friend than she wants for herself. And sorry to say, there isn't anything you can really do for her.

You get to choose how to proceed, sometimes just sending a card/text/email saying I care is all you can do. The hospital visit can be a hug and an I care, and an exit, sounds like you are getting sucked in here...........

ladyscribbler

Stay clear. That's the only thing that worked for me. My ex would land in the hospital with life threatening injuries (incurred while drinking), get discharged and come home and immediately start drinking again. This also usually included a lot of nastiness and threats toward whoever called 911 (me) because they do a BAC at the ER so now "everyone will think I have a drinking problem."
You can't make someone else see reality. And addicts don't need people to feed their delusions, they do a fine job of that all by themselves. Trying to argue logic and reason with an irrational person in deep denial will only hurt you, it's crazymaking.
Sorry. I know it's hard to do, but honestly the best course of action for you is avoidance.

FreeFall

Thank you for the responses. At this point I'm trying to distance myself from the whole situation. You're right, I do want more for her than she does for herself right now. She is just getting annoyed because no one believes her that "everything is fine. She drinks less than other people and they don't have these issues so something else is causing all of this".


Family members are worried she's suicidal and shouldn't be living alone. Also, she falls and they are worried for her safety. Right now, the plan is she will be released tomorrow to her home, alone. Not good.