Dontreallycare

Hi all! I haven’t been on here in a while and I can tell. About 6 months ago, AH and I bought a house. I hoped by getting a place we could call our own and providing him a good location for his hobby, he would slow down on the drinking. I stopped attending Al-Anon because we were in a new town and I didn’t feel like I meshed with them the way I did my old group.

Fast forward 6 months. He’s still drinking, lying about drinking, etc. All the behaviors we know. I know, I know. I made the mistake of listening to his quacking. New Year’s Eve was the start of the latest bad period. He actually snuck it straight from the bottle at a neighbor’s house while we were all outside around the firepit (I saw him do it when he “went to the boy’s room” in their house). Since then, he was up to almost 2 bottles a night and sometimes 3 on weekends (even when his children were here). Around the end of January, he had one night were he lost control, accused me of texting a “boyfriend” (he has self-esteem issues, but he would deny it) and slammed the door to our bedroom and wouldn’t let me in. I didn’t let it bother me and got comfy on the couch. 5 minutes later, he’s passed out in the bed and I actually got some decent sleep until around 4 when he came out to ask me to come to bed.

The next day, he said he would do the following each week: 2 nights no drinking, 3 nights- no more than a small bottle and never losing control. I said he could do what he wants, he’s a grown man. Anybody want to take bets on how long the agreement lasted? One week. The following week, I came home after working late. He had called me at work that day and said it would be a “no drinking” day. I could tell he’d been drinking, asked him, had him lie to my face and act offended. He went to take a shower and slipped badly. I asked him again and he said “his knee gave out when he stepped on some water”. He finally admitted to drinking a bottle of wine before I came home.

The next week, we had a lot of snow, so apparently, he didn’t have to follow the agreement that week because of the weather? Whatever.

Yesterday, the same thing. He told me is was a “no-drinking” night, but when I told him I could tell, he finally admitted to drinking before I got home (he drank 2/3 of a bottle and only gets home about 15 min before me.

The biggest reason I’m concerned right now is because he has an old college buddy visiting this weekend who I know is a heavy drinker. I won’t leave the house because it’s in my name and my adult daughter lives there with me, but I can’t force him out legally. I’m dreading the two of them being together, even though I like the guy when he’s not drinking.

I guess I just needed to get this all out with people I know will understand. I went to that Al-Anon meeting this week even though it didn’t quite feel right, but I’m hoping with time, it will. I’m going to just try to stay calm this weekend and ignore any “quacking”.

dandylion

Don'treallycare....going to alaon is a very good move, in my opinion.

I believe (from my own experience) that you should learn as much about the nature of this disease as you possibly can. The reason that I say this is that many of your expectations indicate that you aren't familiar with how this disease works. You can't go by usual "logic" with alcoholic relationships.

A new house, or new location, or new hobby will not cause the drinking to slow down. Nothing but abstainence can put it into remission. They cannot control their drinking--no matter how much they try.

Knowledge is power.

dandylion

hopeful4

I am so sorry. I don't know if there is a Celebrate Recovery where you are, but it is similar to Alanon only backed up with scripture. I have found great support there, maybe it is something you could see if you mesh better with.

I recommend therapy and meetings. Set small goals and boundaries for you, baby steps.

God Bless.

Dontreallycare

Dandylion,

I've actually done a lot of research. I know he won't get better without help and it will only get worse. I think I was just rambling this morning to look for confimation and I think I'm getting it. I spent about a year and a half in Al-Anon before we moved, so even though my words may indicate one thng, my heart knows another. I just need my mind to come to terms with it and act on it. But thank you for your encouragement!

Dontreallycare

Hopeful4,

I will look into that. I like Al-Anon, just this group was "run" differently. I will continue to go and hope that I can start to feel comfortable, but I'm always looking for more information and support!

lillamy

I'm sorry, but this is a classic. In the midst of it all, you have to laugh at it. Weather? Really?

Don't beat yourself up over thinking a fresh start would help. I did the same thing. The only reason we didn't buy a house is that with a truckload of (secret) credit card debt, AXH had shot his credit ratings and we couldn't get a decent loan.

Do you have to be home this weekend? Do you want to be home this weekend? Do you maybe hope that if you are home, your presence will entice him to "behave"? I'm asking because those are thoughts that I would have when AXH had friends visit. I would dread it, and then I would think "but if I'm not here, then he will have nothing preventing him from drinking more out of control..."

Sungrl

The house is in your name? Set your boundry, no drinking in the house AT ALL , not moderately (yea right) He and his pal cam find someplace to party it up.

iwanthappiness

I think boundary setting is a good idea as long as you are willing to follow through with them. A's love to find loop holes and get around them. Getting out of the house is an excellent idea as well!

Dontreallycare

Unfortunately, because we are in a community state, I would have to show cause to force him out of the house. I can set all the boundries I want, but I can't physically make him leave if he decides to drink. And frankly, my adult daughter lives there as well and I can't disrupt her. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

JustAGirl1971

Not saying that you're at this point at all but: If you file for divorce, can you force him out of the house then? Or, force him to sell or settle with you for your share of the equity? Sometimes just knowing all of our options, even if we don't plan to exercise them, helps us to feel more secure?

Aside from that, if you are staying with him, you could consider establishing boundaries such as: Will not engage in any interaction with him while he's drinking; will not share a bedroom with him while he's drinking (one of you move to a guest room); leave just for the night or weekend when his buddy's over. Whatever you need to get some peace...

On the alanon thing, I can really relate. All of the alanon meetings I love are daytime meetings. Now that my AH has moved out and I am solely responsible for picking up/taking kids to/from school and activities, I will not be able to attend all day time meetings. I need to find at least one or two evening meetings that I'm comfortable with. I am really struggling with this! The feel is just sooo different. I think I'm just going to treat it the same way I started alanon - just keep going until they feel right?

Hawkeye13

JustAGirl makes a good point--sounds like you can do nothing unless you sell the house from what you are saying.

What do you want in the long term? His drinking most likely will get worse and not better as you know.

One option might be to buy another house for you and adult daughter with your share of the proceeds from this one down the road if you decide you don't want to spend your life worrying about his drinking, lies and house guests--
That sounds absolutely draining and not good for your health.

I wish you the best in a difficult situation.

Dontreallycare

It probably will end up in divorce. Buying another house is not an option as this mortgage was gotten based on my credit. Buying him out will probably be the only thing I can do. Long term, I think that's where it will end up. Short term, I need to stay in this house this weekend to protect my daughter and animals. I do like the idea of possibly staying in another room from now on, even if it's the couch.

Dontreallycare

Right now, I'm in my bedroom listening to them exchanging drunken storIes from college. His frIend watched him pass out and asked me if this was normal. I told him yes, because of the gastric bypass. . He said he would talk to him because this was not what he remembered. I'm not optimistic.

Hawkeye13

I'm glad you've found a way to stay and protect animals and daughter.

I must admit I'm a bit confused--if the house is in your name, and you have
the good credit rating, why couldn't you sell it, split the money, and get something
else in your name using your credit rating?

Sorry if I'm missing something here. . .

I hope you had a peaceful night

Dontreallycare

We just bought the house and frankly, I love it and can afford it on my own. I did talk to his friend last night after he asked me if this was normal for AH. I said yes. He said he would talk to him about it today. We'll see.

Sungrl

We all know that is not going to make any difference what so ever. His friend talking to him I mean.

hopeful4

I too live in a community property state. I was advised by my attorney that the only way I could get my AH out of the house is to have him served w/an exparte, which I don't need to do. He said no judge around here will rule that he has to leave the house, we would have to wait for a divorce to be final and just both tough it out in the same house until then.

There is a filing for sole marrital use of the home during divorce filings, but the exparte is the only way they would do it. Honestly, he is not violent and we are not scared of him, I don't need an exparte.

It really stinks. I totally understand. I too would not count on his friend talking to him making any difference, but it cannot hurt anything, that is for sure. I will tell you what else my attorney told me, document document, document. Dates and times, who was there, what happened, photos and receipts for alcohol,etc. I have been doing this for a while just in case.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Dontreallycare

Hopeful4,

I've been doing exactly that. How much he drinks each night, what does/does not happen, etc. I've got well over 6 months of records. And you all were right. His friend told me that he is so far in denial, that he didn't see a problem with opening a fourth bottle of wine in one night after passing out for two hours while we (friend and I) made dinner. (Of course, his quacking said he was "just taking a nap")

hopeful4

I am sorry my friend. No one can make him see that he needs recovery until he sees it himself. I can remember when my AH would literally pass out on the floor and we would just step over him. He was always "taking a nap," sometimes I would check his pulse to make sure he was alive. Bad memories.

Tight Hugs.