What do you say to the inlaws?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Thank you, everyone. I think at this point, I will just follow the approach of 'our son is not the cause of our divorce. These things happen. If you want specifics, please speak with your _____.' and leave it at that.
As for the kids, we are honest about it in my home. If they choose to tell the inlaws the truth, I will back them up. Absolutely will not leave them hanging. But, I guess I'll let them take the lead? I don't want them to think they can't be honest.... but I also want to allow them the dignity of choosing whom to tell or not tell?
And, yes, the divorce is amicable and I would like it to stay that way but don't see how that's possible if I out secrets AH is not willing to share? (and in most cases is still in denial about.) We only see his family a couple times per year at most so I think this approach will work.
As for the kids, we are honest about it in my home. If they choose to tell the inlaws the truth, I will back them up. Absolutely will not leave them hanging. But, I guess I'll let them take the lead? I don't want them to think they can't be honest.... but I also want to allow them the dignity of choosing whom to tell or not tell?
And, yes, the divorce is amicable and I would like it to stay that way but don't see how that's possible if I out secrets AH is not willing to share? (and in most cases is still in denial about.) We only see his family a couple times per year at most so I think this approach will work.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by Hammer 
Compelled to talk to some in-laws, this morning.
She gets crap started. I am always the one who is supposed to clean it up.
She needs bigger diapers or something.
She gets crap started. I am always the one who is supposed to clean it up.
She needs bigger diapers or something.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
I learned the hard way!! Throughout my husbands rehab stents (4 of them), my IL's were extremely supportive to me. Now that I have left him, the tables have turned. Now I am the b**ch. So upsetting! They have become so enabling. Even suggested to him that he leave the state we live in (with our 2 children of course) and move in with them so he can heal!!!
I would let your AH do all the talking. They will learn soon enough.
I would let your AH do all the talking. They will learn soon enough.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
I learned the hard way!! Throughout my husbands rehab stents (4 of them), my IL's were extremely supportive to me. Now that I have left him, the tables have turned. Now I am the b**ch. So upsetting! They have become so enabling. Even suggested to him that he leave the state we live in (with our 2 children of course) and move in with them so he can heal!!!
I would let your AH do all the talking. They will learn soon enough.
I would let your AH do all the talking. They will learn soon enough.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Suppose it is better than yesterday.
Daughter was Barfy Flu sick, so I stayed around the house with "Clean Up on Aisle #5" duty.
So while she was awake we watched "Mulan" together (MY favorite Disney Princess) and "The Last Unicorn." Of course, neither would have been something that I would have picked myself, but I really enjoyed her comments and observations, so that makes them both really good to me.
So I take that back. Yesterday was a GOOD day, at least for me.
Might as well make today one, too.
Walk by faith, not by sight.
ok. While screwing around here, in-law call is done.
All better.
Daughter was Barfy Flu sick, so I stayed around the house with "Clean Up on Aisle #5" duty.
So while she was awake we watched "Mulan" together (MY favorite Disney Princess) and "The Last Unicorn." Of course, neither would have been something that I would have picked myself, but I really enjoyed her comments and observations, so that makes them both really good to me.
So I take that back. Yesterday was a GOOD day, at least for me.
Might as well make today one, too.
Walk by faith, not by sight.
ok. While screwing around here, in-law call is done.
All better.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
But, I don't want to make them angry either, as they are still my children's family.
I had this same thought before I left for good. I thought if I had a nice, rational discussion they would understand why I was leaving and support me because they at least had an idea of how bad their son's alcoholic behavior was/is.
Not so much. I was the bad guy. I was an A, a B a C and every other letter of the alphabet. His mom called me every name in the book, blamed me for everything, made ridiculous accusations that I abused her son, my sons and was generally just a horrible person. She snatched ds4 out of my arms and threatened to leave with him, tried to make me use physical force against her so that she could call the police on me, told me she was going to fight me for custody, ranted about grandparent's rights and didn't stop screaming until we had driven away.
I went no contact with her, but I made sure that ds4 spoke to her on the phone every Sunday. At Christmas, when ds12 was visiting his grandparents we met them halfway to do the dropoff, and I let the other set of gps know, because it turned out the dropoff point was only 4 hours from their house. That was the first time I had talked to her since leaving, and her attitude had done a complete 180. We now have plans to do another, longer visit this summer in July.
So, long story short. You don't need to explain anything to his family. They will either see the truth or they won't. If they make the choice to be angry about something that's none of their business, it's out of your control. Have your children maintain contact with them, if that's feasible and comfortable for you, but there's no reason for you to speak to them yourself.
This was probably really silly and codie, but when I sent them an envelope of homemade valentines that ds4 decorated, a bunch of Alanon leaflets accidentally got dropped into the envelope as well- oops! Oh well, maybe they'll feel attracted but not promoted to the idea of checking out a meeting.
I had this same thought before I left for good. I thought if I had a nice, rational discussion they would understand why I was leaving and support me because they at least had an idea of how bad their son's alcoholic behavior was/is.
Not so much. I was the bad guy. I was an A, a B a C and every other letter of the alphabet. His mom called me every name in the book, blamed me for everything, made ridiculous accusations that I abused her son, my sons and was generally just a horrible person. She snatched ds4 out of my arms and threatened to leave with him, tried to make me use physical force against her so that she could call the police on me, told me she was going to fight me for custody, ranted about grandparent's rights and didn't stop screaming until we had driven away.
I went no contact with her, but I made sure that ds4 spoke to her on the phone every Sunday. At Christmas, when ds12 was visiting his grandparents we met them halfway to do the dropoff, and I let the other set of gps know, because it turned out the dropoff point was only 4 hours from their house. That was the first time I had talked to her since leaving, and her attitude had done a complete 180. We now have plans to do another, longer visit this summer in July.
So, long story short. You don't need to explain anything to his family. They will either see the truth or they won't. If they make the choice to be angry about something that's none of their business, it's out of your control. Have your children maintain contact with them, if that's feasible and comfortable for you, but there's no reason for you to speak to them yourself.
This was probably really silly and codie, but when I sent them an envelope of homemade valentines that ds4 decorated, a bunch of Alanon leaflets accidentally got dropped into the envelope as well- oops! Oh well, maybe they'll feel attracted but not promoted to the idea of checking out a meeting.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Enable, enable, enable, B----ch
Originally Posted by Stung
CodeJob,
I told all of his family and his friends too. They were all very supportive of him and helping him deal with his "b!tch of a wife," that would be me, and all that I am putting him through. They have all ignored me AND our kids since we split. His sister texted me on my birthday and it took all I had to not write F You back since she ignored my kids at Christmas.
If I could do it all over again, I would realize that enablers are ignorant and very loyal to the alcoholic, I wouldn't have contacted them at all.
I told all of his family and his friends too. They were all very supportive of him and helping him deal with his "b!tch of a wife," that would be me, and all that I am putting him through. They have all ignored me AND our kids since we split. His sister texted me on my birthday and it took all I had to not write F You back since she ignored my kids at Christmas.
If I could do it all over again, I would realize that enablers are ignorant and very loyal to the alcoholic, I wouldn't have contacted them at all.
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