Vent - I can't afford the Al-Anon books OR stay on topic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Vent - I can't afford the Al-Anon books OR stay on topic
So, I really can't afford the Al-Anon books like "Courage to Change" and "Hope for Today". I don't even have the 15 or so dollars to spare to buy them, I kid you not. This will change soon, and it's not the fact that I can't afford them that annoys me.
What does annoy me is, at my last Al-Anon meeting, someone at the meeting had "finally" bought Courage to Change, and he also happened to be chairing the meeting. I guess he assumed everyone else already had the book and so the topic/theme he picked was something like, "what's your favorite part of the book and why?"
I don't really HAVE a favorite part of the book because I haven't looked through it enough because I don't own the book. I probably should have spoken up about that, but I didn't...honestly I don't get the whole thing with using the books as a "lifeline" or "security blanket" or something. Some of the books people bring in look like used college textbooks, with the pages all worn and highlighted and underlined and notes in the margins and post-it tabs on the pages, like people are cramming for a final exam or something. I'm not criticizing here; just describing what I've seen.
So when I shared, I just rambled (it seemed), and the issues I'm having now have more to do with me trying to get a job and my parents, neither of whom are alcoholics. My boyfriend is currently in recovery and working a program, so there's not really any "insanity" there. Some of the people in the Al-Anon meeting have spouses who have been sober for like 20 years or more but who have never worked a program and so they still act like alcoholics. I feel like some of the Al-Anon people don't like me because I'm judgmental and critical in that I am appalled at some of the things their A loved ones try to pull. And yet sometimes when they talk about behaviors of their A's, I'm sitting there thinking, "haha, I've done that".
Meanwhile, my mom says I'm out of touch with reality, my dad has not changed and still can't talk to me without bringing up my mom (my parents are divorced) and continues to let his crazy on-and-off mistress live with him and acts all surprised when he can't get her to leave...I just want a NORMAL parent...
I feel like I have a hard time relating to some of the people in Al-Anon.
What does annoy me is, at my last Al-Anon meeting, someone at the meeting had "finally" bought Courage to Change, and he also happened to be chairing the meeting. I guess he assumed everyone else already had the book and so the topic/theme he picked was something like, "what's your favorite part of the book and why?"
I don't really HAVE a favorite part of the book because I haven't looked through it enough because I don't own the book. I probably should have spoken up about that, but I didn't...honestly I don't get the whole thing with using the books as a "lifeline" or "security blanket" or something. Some of the books people bring in look like used college textbooks, with the pages all worn and highlighted and underlined and notes in the margins and post-it tabs on the pages, like people are cramming for a final exam or something. I'm not criticizing here; just describing what I've seen.
So when I shared, I just rambled (it seemed), and the issues I'm having now have more to do with me trying to get a job and my parents, neither of whom are alcoholics. My boyfriend is currently in recovery and working a program, so there's not really any "insanity" there. Some of the people in the Al-Anon meeting have spouses who have been sober for like 20 years or more but who have never worked a program and so they still act like alcoholics. I feel like some of the Al-Anon people don't like me because I'm judgmental and critical in that I am appalled at some of the things their A loved ones try to pull. And yet sometimes when they talk about behaviors of their A's, I'm sitting there thinking, "haha, I've done that".
Meanwhile, my mom says I'm out of touch with reality, my dad has not changed and still can't talk to me without bringing up my mom (my parents are divorced) and continues to let his crazy on-and-off mistress live with him and acts all surprised when he can't get her to leave...I just want a NORMAL parent...
I feel like I have a hard time relating to some of the people in Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I find it hard to relate to some people anywhere I go. That's the way of the world. Alanon is the last place where people expect to be judged or criticized. I wouldn't want to hear it either. Have you looked to see if there are any online versions of the books that you can read for now?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Hope for Today by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters - New, Rare & Used Books Online at Half Price Books Marketplace
Starting around $6
There is also a courage to change facebook page. Just google it.
Also check with you local public library.
Starting around $6
There is also a courage to change facebook page. Just google it.
Also check with you local public library.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by readerbaby71 
I find it hard to relate to some people anywhere I go. That's the way of the world. Alanon is the last place where people expect to be judged or criticized. I wouldn't want to hear it either. Have you looked to see if there are any online versions of the books that you can read for now?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Is there another alanon group near you that you can try out instead? Maybe that particular group just isn't a good fit for you. Or maybe alanon isn't a good fit for you period.
If I may be so bold though, I think the problem is an attitude thing for you. Between your last post about calling out hypocrites and this one where you describe yourself as judgmental and critical it sounds like you're only seeing the worst in others rather than looking at yourself. There is a saying about when you point your finger at someone else there are four more fingers pointing back at you. Maybe being a little more introspective rather than focusing on others would be more helpful for you.
If I may be so bold though, I think the problem is an attitude thing for you. Between your last post about calling out hypocrites and this one where you describe yourself as judgmental and critical it sounds like you're only seeing the worst in others rather than looking at yourself. There is a saying about when you point your finger at someone else there are four more fingers pointing back at you. Maybe being a little more introspective rather than focusing on others would be more helpful for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Stung
Is there another alanon group near you that you can try out instead? Maybe that particular group just isn't a good fit for you. Or maybe alanon isn't a good fit for you period.
If I may be so bold though, I think the problem is an attitude thing for you. Between your last post about calling out hypocrites and this one where you describe yourself as judgmental and critical it sounds like you're only seeing the worst in others rather than looking at yourself. There is a saying about when you point your finger at someone else there are four more fingers pointing back at you. Maybe being a little more introspective rather than focusing on others would be more helpful for you.
If I may be so bold though, I think the problem is an attitude thing for you. Between your last post about calling out hypocrites and this one where you describe yourself as judgmental and critical it sounds like you're only seeing the worst in others rather than looking at yourself. There is a saying about when you point your finger at someone else there are four more fingers pointing back at you. Maybe being a little more introspective rather than focusing on others would be more helpful for you.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I post the daily Courage To Change reading everyday here on the Friends and Family forum. You can also look it up on Facebook, there is a group which posts it daily.
Edited to add: I make a different thread everyday just search courage to change on SR and it will pop up
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...16-2014-a.html
Edited to add: I make a different thread everyday just search courage to change on SR and it will pop up
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...16-2014-a.html
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by choublak
More like, I hear about things other people do and I think, "ew, wtf. Who DOES that?"
Its impossible to figure out why people do what they do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by redatlanta
And I am sure some people think the same about you. Perhaps instead of trying to figure out why people in Al Anon do the things they do it would be more productive just to focus on yourself and your issues.
Its impossible to figure out why people do what they do.
Its impossible to figure out why people do what they do.
The alcoholics they live with and describe.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Choublak, someone is posting a daily Courage to Change right here.
I have found some of the pamphlets very helpful. When my mind starts whirring Just for Today can help me stop the rising panic. I used the serenity prayer long before my initiation to 12 step land and that helps me too.
I have thought about getting Courage to Change, but honestly I read the BB in its entirety in college in support of a friend. Then when I declined to stop drinking and declined to attend AA meetings, he cast me into h--- and proclaimed me damned. OK I wasn't the one known for getting drunk in the dorm and singing Elvis Costello into the wee hours. I was the one who would drink Diet Coke so I could stay up for a late basketball game or go dancing. I have control issues so I do not drink to excess fool! I was happy to support him and read it to learn about AA, but I did not have to LIVE it. So I was a little leery to buy their books. I do see some people acting a bit like a cult and it weirds me out. But honestly there was a reason that my recovering A dorm friend spotted me. Because I was A Nice Codie....
The BB is online now so no need to waste money on that. Several people recommended Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I did read the book twice and own it. Several sections are very highlited. I got Language of Letting Go from the library first and really liked it. I bought that rather than Courage to Change because I liked Beattie's writing style. I do carry this one in my work bag. Last year I read it every day and sometimes more than once a day. Now I read it periodically but I guess it is a bit of a ******** for me. If my day goes sour, I can stop and read a section or two and try to reset my thoughts and salvage my day. I suppose these aren't AA approved reading, but I found them invaluable. You see, the reason I am good at my job is bc I am a Codie. I have to stay alert that I don't start doing everyone's jobs...
So my Al Anon group has wackos in it taking notes in some special journal and their AA books are marked and colored. They pull them out and stack them up next to them in the table. I don't worry about it. Remember one of their phrases is take what you want and leave the rest. Also you can always pass. You do not have to share.
When people's stories get to you, remember it is not your problem. You are probably a fixer and want to smack them to act and save themselves. I have had to sit on my hands so I don't speak out of turn or start pounding on the table to emphasize what an idiot person X was to cut the grass bc their Poor A was passed out and everyone else in the neighborhood had cut grass. Who cares!? I want to scream. My son and I cut the grass earlier that day too. It is a weekly suburban ritual! There is no healthy message in grass cutting, let's move on! But hey, I survived the hour and knew grass cutting Grandma was NOT sponsor material for me. I was way too feisty and independent. But to her it was a big act of independence (& masking the problem).
I did call one younger person on my list and she did not talk. All she did was answer in AlAnon platitudes. I found this conversation deeply disturbing and unhelpful. So I hung up and made my own darn decision. She also was clearly not my sponsor and she truly scares me and i was disappointed to find out she is probably at EVERY meeting near me. Her A drank himself to death and I guess this is her way of life. I want to get my act together and move on!
Honestly Choublak, individual therapy has helped me the most. In fact I will be trying Al Anon meetings again and think with where I am now, I might be a little more able to sift out more useful messages. They are not professionals. I am hoping now I will be a little more open and not so Codie reactive. Be patient with yourself. I hope this post makes u laugh a but.
I have found some of the pamphlets very helpful. When my mind starts whirring Just for Today can help me stop the rising panic. I used the serenity prayer long before my initiation to 12 step land and that helps me too.
I have thought about getting Courage to Change, but honestly I read the BB in its entirety in college in support of a friend. Then when I declined to stop drinking and declined to attend AA meetings, he cast me into h--- and proclaimed me damned. OK I wasn't the one known for getting drunk in the dorm and singing Elvis Costello into the wee hours. I was the one who would drink Diet Coke so I could stay up for a late basketball game or go dancing. I have control issues so I do not drink to excess fool! I was happy to support him and read it to learn about AA, but I did not have to LIVE it. So I was a little leery to buy their books. I do see some people acting a bit like a cult and it weirds me out. But honestly there was a reason that my recovering A dorm friend spotted me. Because I was A Nice Codie....
The BB is online now so no need to waste money on that. Several people recommended Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I did read the book twice and own it. Several sections are very highlited. I got Language of Letting Go from the library first and really liked it. I bought that rather than Courage to Change because I liked Beattie's writing style. I do carry this one in my work bag. Last year I read it every day and sometimes more than once a day. Now I read it periodically but I guess it is a bit of a ******** for me. If my day goes sour, I can stop and read a section or two and try to reset my thoughts and salvage my day. I suppose these aren't AA approved reading, but I found them invaluable. You see, the reason I am good at my job is bc I am a Codie. I have to stay alert that I don't start doing everyone's jobs...
So my Al Anon group has wackos in it taking notes in some special journal and their AA books are marked and colored. They pull them out and stack them up next to them in the table. I don't worry about it. Remember one of their phrases is take what you want and leave the rest. Also you can always pass. You do not have to share.
When people's stories get to you, remember it is not your problem. You are probably a fixer and want to smack them to act and save themselves. I have had to sit on my hands so I don't speak out of turn or start pounding on the table to emphasize what an idiot person X was to cut the grass bc their Poor A was passed out and everyone else in the neighborhood had cut grass. Who cares!? I want to scream. My son and I cut the grass earlier that day too. It is a weekly suburban ritual! There is no healthy message in grass cutting, let's move on! But hey, I survived the hour and knew grass cutting Grandma was NOT sponsor material for me. I was way too feisty and independent. But to her it was a big act of independence (& masking the problem).
I did call one younger person on my list and she did not talk. All she did was answer in AlAnon platitudes. I found this conversation deeply disturbing and unhelpful. So I hung up and made my own darn decision. She also was clearly not my sponsor and she truly scares me and i was disappointed to find out she is probably at EVERY meeting near me. Her A drank himself to death and I guess this is her way of life. I want to get my act together and move on!
Honestly Choublak, individual therapy has helped me the most. In fact I will be trying Al Anon meetings again and think with where I am now, I might be a little more able to sift out more useful messages. They are not professionals. I am hoping now I will be a little more open and not so Codie reactive. Be patient with yourself. I hope this post makes u laugh a but.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Ok, well, I will admit that I am one of the weird ones who sometimes brings her books, definitely has areas of the books highlighted or underlined, and frequently takes notes. The thing is, I am there to learn about myself in order to change myself, improve how I relate to others, and find serenity. If I hear things that I want to remember later, I write them down so that I don't forget. That something could be a trick, definition, or slogan that someone else has found useful to help them deal with something I can relate to. Or, it could be that something said triggered something about myself that I want to delve into later and not forget. Sometimes I don't take any notes. Sometimes I take lots of notes. I am not there to impress anyone else. I am there to fix myself. I guarantee that's why the others have highlighted their books or taken notes.
I will be honest that when I first started attending (a few months ago), I found the woman who frequently knits during the meeting annoying. But, I listened to her anyway and found out she has YEARS of great experience and insight! Now I don't even notice whether she's knitting or not because I'm too busy listening to what she has to say. I also found the woman who walked in late and forgot to turn her cell phone off (it rang FOUR times) annoying. Then, I listened to what she had to say and realized that she was living through some pretty painful stuff and I was thankful she made it to a meeting (because it was a really good meeting.)
One of the things I like about al-anon is that there are no rules. If someone wants to knit, she can. If someone else wants to eat lunch while listening, he can. And, I can take notes. We're all just there to grow, learn, and help others.
I will be honest that when I first started attending (a few months ago), I found the woman who frequently knits during the meeting annoying. But, I listened to her anyway and found out she has YEARS of great experience and insight! Now I don't even notice whether she's knitting or not because I'm too busy listening to what she has to say. I also found the woman who walked in late and forgot to turn her cell phone off (it rang FOUR times) annoying. Then, I listened to what she had to say and realized that she was living through some pretty painful stuff and I was thankful she made it to a meeting (because it was a really good meeting.)
One of the things I like about al-anon is that there are no rules. If someone wants to knit, she can. If someone else wants to eat lunch while listening, he can. And, I can take notes. We're all just there to grow, learn, and help others.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
OY, choublak, I just wanted to say that I have difficulty staying on topic, too. No one seems to care 
Also, I didn't buy any books until I'd been attending regularly about a month. There is a girl who has been attending for seven months. She doesn't have any books. Again, no one seems to care 
Also, I didn't buy any books until I'd been attending regularly about a month. There is a girl who has been attending for seven months. She doesn't have any books. Again, no one seems to care Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Many of the meetings I've been to have "group" books available for the use of anyone who doesn't have their own. Many of the meetings I've been to, I've seen folks sharing books w/the person next to them. At some meetings, I've been privileged to share my book w/the new or less fortunate person next to me. Some groups I've been to even have a pair or two of generic reading glasses available in case someone needs glasses to read and forgot theirs!
It's no big deal if you don't own a book, as others have said.
I myself do not write or highlight in books. Any books. Ever. I just don't. BUT--it's no business of mine, or yours, if other people choose to highlight, take notes, etc., in their books. In fact, most of the books seem to have several pages in the back left blank and labeled "notes", so I guess note-taking is expected!
Alanon is for us to learn about ourselves and improve ourselves. We do that through sharing our stories, experiences and insights. Judging someone else for what they share is not going to do a damn thing for you as far as personal growth; in fact, it probably has the opposite effect.
It's no big deal if you don't own a book, as others have said.
I myself do not write or highlight in books. Any books. Ever. I just don't. BUT--it's no business of mine, or yours, if other people choose to highlight, take notes, etc., in their books. In fact, most of the books seem to have several pages in the back left blank and labeled "notes", so I guess note-taking is expected!
Alanon is for us to learn about ourselves and improve ourselves. We do that through sharing our stories, experiences and insights. Judging someone else for what they share is not going to do a damn thing for you as far as personal growth; in fact, it probably has the opposite effect.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I attend Celebrate Recovery. We do lend out books to anyone who needs them and also give out free bibles (nice ones, not the little tiny ones). I think you should just be honest and tell them you cannot afford them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I attend Celebrate Recovery. We do lend out books to anyone who needs them and also give out free bibles (nice ones, not the little tiny ones). I think you should just be honest and tell them you cannot afford them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know at my meetings we have used books and if someone cannot afford one, one is given and it's asked that a donation be made when it's possible.
I highlight things in my book that have really struck something in me. Such as:
I used to live my life as if I were on a ladder. Everyone was either above me---to be feared and envied----or below me----to be pitied.
"Live and let live" sets us free from the compulsion to criticize, judge, condemn, and retaliate which can damage us far more than those against whom we use such weapons.
When I find myself caught up in my own thoughts and judging other peoples situations at an al-anon meeting then it's a pretty good indicator I AM NOT WORKING ON ME and I need to refocuse that.
I highlight things in my book that have really struck something in me. Such as:
I used to live my life as if I were on a ladder. Everyone was either above me---to be feared and envied----or below me----to be pitied.
"Live and let live" sets us free from the compulsion to criticize, judge, condemn, and retaliate which can damage us far more than those against whom we use such weapons.
When I find myself caught up in my own thoughts and judging other peoples situations at an al-anon meeting then it's a pretty good indicator I AM NOT WORKING ON ME and I need to refocuse that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
