hello, i'm new here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
hello, i'm new here
Hi Everyone.
I'm new here and new to online communities in general regarding addiction. I've been involved in a relationship with my bf for almost 4 years. I would say over the past year and half, I'm finally realizing he is dealing with addiction issue with alcohol. I think I sort of knew it in the past, but we were dealing with so many other issues, it seemed to mask this issue. I've been working with my therapist for a while and I also have a health coach whom has been phenomenal in educating me about this disease. One of the books she recommended is No More Letting Go, which has been very helpful. I have been to a few al anon meetings but mostly in secret to my bf. The reason I haven't let him know my concerns (which is my biggest obstacle at this point) is because up until about 6-9 months ago, I was still trying to get over some of the emotionally abusive aspects of our relationship, and was afraid of really speaking my mind. We have been to some couples counseling and I'm finally feeling more comfortable about speaking my feelings but I'm definitely not 100%. Really, I know I need to take the "plunge" and express myself.
We have a 1 year old together, she by herself was a wonderful surprise, I was definitely not planning to have a child with him. So now, I feel I have to at least speak my mind and mainly for her and keeping her safe. He drives after drinking and if I suspect he has been drinking well into the morning (say like 3am) I do the driving. At times I still very powerless and weak to speak my mind. In the past, we have had terrible fights and he has screamed at me for not drinking with him and not standing up to my family when they called him an alcoholic (they said this in a private email to me that he read).
But recently, he said to me that he thinks he has a problem with drinking. I realize this was my opportunity to speak my mind but I just was still so nervous too he has trapped me before in fights and used my words against me. I try not to be enabling but I realize I'm still contributing to the problem by not speaking my mind. But if he oversleeps, I don't wake him for work etc. He has talked about not being able to control the drinking and know he needs to work on it and I feel like I need to say something. I feel like I need to speak up for my daughter and need to stop being a wuss basically.
The advice I'm looking for is how do I do this? I feel like even if our relationship ended, it is my duty to say something to protect our daughter. I feel like because I live with him, I can at least see some of the times he is drinking to know I should drive...if we weren't together...how would I ever protect her fully. I also realize I might not even know the real truth to how much he is drinking but I think his ex-wife has no clue (they have kids together also--I'm afraid for his older kids as well). I have said, "I will drive the kids out tonight for dinner and meet you somewhere" to try to protect them as well.
What can I do to get over my fear? How did you talk to someone about their addiction? Or how did someone talk to you about it? I realize it is still up to him but just looking for some advice on taking the lump out of my throat.
Thank you for reading my post.
I'm new here and new to online communities in general regarding addiction. I've been involved in a relationship with my bf for almost 4 years. I would say over the past year and half, I'm finally realizing he is dealing with addiction issue with alcohol. I think I sort of knew it in the past, but we were dealing with so many other issues, it seemed to mask this issue. I've been working with my therapist for a while and I also have a health coach whom has been phenomenal in educating me about this disease. One of the books she recommended is No More Letting Go, which has been very helpful. I have been to a few al anon meetings but mostly in secret to my bf. The reason I haven't let him know my concerns (which is my biggest obstacle at this point) is because up until about 6-9 months ago, I was still trying to get over some of the emotionally abusive aspects of our relationship, and was afraid of really speaking my mind. We have been to some couples counseling and I'm finally feeling more comfortable about speaking my feelings but I'm definitely not 100%. Really, I know I need to take the "plunge" and express myself.
We have a 1 year old together, she by herself was a wonderful surprise, I was definitely not planning to have a child with him. So now, I feel I have to at least speak my mind and mainly for her and keeping her safe. He drives after drinking and if I suspect he has been drinking well into the morning (say like 3am) I do the driving. At times I still very powerless and weak to speak my mind. In the past, we have had terrible fights and he has screamed at me for not drinking with him and not standing up to my family when they called him an alcoholic (they said this in a private email to me that he read).
But recently, he said to me that he thinks he has a problem with drinking. I realize this was my opportunity to speak my mind but I just was still so nervous too he has trapped me before in fights and used my words against me. I try not to be enabling but I realize I'm still contributing to the problem by not speaking my mind. But if he oversleeps, I don't wake him for work etc. He has talked about not being able to control the drinking and know he needs to work on it and I feel like I need to say something. I feel like I need to speak up for my daughter and need to stop being a wuss basically.
The advice I'm looking for is how do I do this? I feel like even if our relationship ended, it is my duty to say something to protect our daughter. I feel like because I live with him, I can at least see some of the times he is drinking to know I should drive...if we weren't together...how would I ever protect her fully. I also realize I might not even know the real truth to how much he is drinking but I think his ex-wife has no clue (they have kids together also--I'm afraid for his older kids as well). I have said, "I will drive the kids out tonight for dinner and meet you somewhere" to try to protect them as well.
What can I do to get over my fear? How did you talk to someone about their addiction? Or how did someone talk to you about it? I realize it is still up to him but just looking for some advice on taking the lump out of my throat.
Thank you for reading my post.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Hey Welcome.
What is it that you wish to say to him?
That he is an alcoholic? He already knows. He already knows.
Real Deal. You have 17 years or so ahead of you for the kiddo.
THAT is ALL that really matters.
Kids are #1.
Again, welcome, and good job on the T, alanon, and coach.
What is it that you wish to say to him?
That he is an alcoholic? He already knows. He already knows.
Real Deal. You have 17 years or so ahead of you for the kiddo.
THAT is ALL that really matters.
Kids are #1.
Again, welcome, and good job on the T, alanon, and coach.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Welcome. Sorry for what brings you here, but you're in the right place. You sound like a great mom who is struggling in a very difficult situation. Kudos for finding your voice to stand up for your daughter. Sometimes we will do things to protect our children that we would be scared to do for ourselves.
I have also been afraid of speaking my mind in relationships. It gets worse if I am afraid of being verbally or emotionally abused like you have been in this relationship. My ex was the same way. He raged and attacked anything that seemed to threaten his drinking, protecting at all costs his right and ability to consume alcohol.
You may want to mention the drinking and driving to his ex. Not as a "gotcha" for him, but because she has a right and a duty to protect her children the way you protect your daughter. It's not wrong to give her the tools and information she needs to do that.
There are 3 "c"s to addiction- You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Even if you were comfortable expressing your feelings about his drinking, it wouldn't make a difference to him unless HE was ready to seek recovery.
Take care and thanks for posting.
I have also been afraid of speaking my mind in relationships. It gets worse if I am afraid of being verbally or emotionally abused like you have been in this relationship. My ex was the same way. He raged and attacked anything that seemed to threaten his drinking, protecting at all costs his right and ability to consume alcohol.
You may want to mention the drinking and driving to his ex. Not as a "gotcha" for him, but because she has a right and a duty to protect her children the way you protect your daughter. It's not wrong to give her the tools and information she needs to do that.
There are 3 "c"s to addiction- You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Even if you were comfortable expressing your feelings about his drinking, it wouldn't make a difference to him unless HE was ready to seek recovery.
Take care and thanks for posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
SllyAppl,
Welcome! You are so heading in the right direction!
But it sounds like your partner is trying to mind f--- you (twist your words and harangue you until any independent thought you may have fades away). Do you journal? I'd start journaling a summary of his actions each day, how you felt, and whether or not you chose to react. It might help you identify that his behavior is more than likely unacceptable and it might help you determine where you are going to put a boundary for YOU and your daughter. It might be useful information to have documented if the relationship does end.
Do you have a good relationship with the ex-wife? I can understand your concern for the kids to warn her of his heavy drinking and potential driving implications. I am uncertain how best to proceed because you could take some real blowback here and might not be able to speak up for yourself.
Welcome! You are so heading in the right direction!
But it sounds like your partner is trying to mind f--- you (twist your words and harangue you until any independent thought you may have fades away). Do you journal? I'd start journaling a summary of his actions each day, how you felt, and whether or not you chose to react. It might help you identify that his behavior is more than likely unacceptable and it might help you determine where you are going to put a boundary for YOU and your daughter. It might be useful information to have documented if the relationship does end.
Do you have a good relationship with the ex-wife? I can understand your concern for the kids to warn her of his heavy drinking and potential driving implications. I am uncertain how best to proceed because you could take some real blowback here and might not be able to speak up for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
I guess I wish to put up some boundaries. Like no drinking and driving, which especially includes children. I feel like I can't control if he chooses to drink and drive himself but I feel like I should try to do something if there are children involved. I could say something but he might still do it...so then what is my next step.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
Sorry still navigating using the forum...I wanted to add that I do think he would at least take my words into consideration. I know he knows somewhere in there and I do want to come from a place of kindness. I care for his well being too. I just want to be prepared or know some things to expect once I voice my opinion. It just amazes me there have been times where his family like parents or brothers have seen him drinking and he still drives even with the kids! Ugh
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by sllyappl 
I guess I wish to put up some boundaries. Like no drinking and driving, which especially includes children. I feel like I can't control if he chooses to drink and drive himself but I feel like I should try to do something if there are children involved. I could say something but he might still do it...so then what is my next step.
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