Krys

Some of you may remember me, or maybe not, I was here about 2 years ago because I had just left my alcoholic boyfriend. He sought help (long enough for me to think he had changed anyway) and I moved out of my mothers house and back in with him. We spent the next couple of years working on our relationship, and things seemed to be going well until a few months ago. A few years back I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had surgery and tried other treatments none of which helped and then this past August things got really bad. If you have never heard of it, it is very painful and causes a lot of symptoms like extreme fatigue, pain with/without periods, and is one of the leading causes of infertility. I had already lost a lot because of it, my social life was non existent, work was becoming very difficult and our relationship had taken a hit in the bedroom. In August things got scary and I went to see my doctor who diagnosed me with yet another illness (closely related to endometriosis) called Adenomyosis. The only "cure" is hysterectomy. So here I was dealing with this new diagnosis (admittedly not very well) and having my hope of having a baby destroyed and was thrown immediately into treatments to control the symptoms. My doctor was afraid that I would be hospitalized if I didn't do something drastic so along came Lupron. Google it if you have the time...it has quite the bad reputation. It is a drug they use for some types of cancer and in patients with endo and adeno it works by shutting down the ovaries and putting you into a medical menopause. Unpleasant but at least I had my life back for a short while (6 months is the max you are allowed to be on it and it is not a cure). The fake normalcy was interrupted however when my doctor added hormones to combat bone loss (a common problem with Lupron) and all Hell broke loose. Needless to say it has been a very rough road. My boyfriend and I had discussed our options prior to me trying Lupron and several times after starting treatment and had decided (or so I thought) to try for a baby after treatment. The closer we get to the end of my treatment the less he is willing to talk about it, and the more excuses I hear for not wanting to go through with it. I have heard everything from I am scared, to YOU need to work on being more affectionate and loving towards me first. Yeah...so sorry coming to terms with the end of my uterus and being a lab rat has made me sad, thanks for understanding. Oh and I pressure him and it makes him not want to do it. He has had 10 glorious pressure free years, I do not feel bad. Anyway I started noticing that he was drinking a little here a little there, and over the last two weeks it has become more of an issue. I tried to bring it up, but you know how that goes so I detached as best I could and focused on myself. Then last night happened. I found a very supportive group of women with my illness and we decided to meet up yesterday. My BF and I were barely speaking so he never asked where I was going and assumed I was going to work. I never work during the day on Saturday (I work one night a month) but oooook. I used my phones GPS to get there and it sucked the life out of the battery so I shut it off to save some juice for the ride home (my charger was home). When I turned it back on I checked to see if he called and he hadn't so I just drove home. When I got home the whole house smelled like rubbing alcohol and there he was waiting to lay into me. He claimed he called 4 times and started yelling about things that made no sense. The gist of it was that he is a great, understanding guy and I am selfish and unappreciative and am lucky to have him. It didn't matter what I said everything was my fault. I got sucked back into the drunk fight! UGH!! At one point I was crying telling him how hard it has been to come to terms with this illness and how it makes me feel like a freak and a failure and instead of comforting me he yelled "Why didn't you tell me this?! You always tell me to share my feelings and you can't take your own advice, you are a liar!" He then told me he was going out and of course I told him it was a bad idea considering he drank an entire bottle of rum and he went anyway. He didn't come home until 7:00 this morning. He went straight into our spare bedroom without saying a word to me so I have no idea where he spent the night or who he was with. Thanks to Facebook I do know that sometime around midnight he was in an Irish bar up the street where he "Never felt so welcomed!" Nice. I don't know what to do or how to approach him when he finally decides to grace me with his presence. I feel like a failure. I am 35, am not married, have no kids, have two diseases waging a war on my body, and I may lose my ability to have children very soon. I don't think I have any fight left in me for him or this illness.

KateL

I feel terrible for you but he really doesn't sound like he is doing you any good. If he starts drinking heavily again, you may have to re evaluate the relationship, I know I would. You aren't old by any stretch of the imagination, but the baby thing sucks. Would it be safe for you to have a child? and do you really think it is a good idea to have one with him? Sorry I can't offer any better advice but I do feel for you xxxxx

Catherine628

I'm so sorry about your situation. It's heartbreaking. This might not make you feel better but I know plenty of people who are married with kids that feel like failures.

I'm glad you found a support group. It sounds like your BF is back to the bottle and unable to support you right now.

KateL

True. And I have a friend with no kids, who often says she is glad she hasn't ,when she hears the way mine talk to me. xxxxx

Krys

Thank you for your replies, the fact that someone even read it means a lot. It really hurts, I feel so broken on so many levels. I just want one aspect of my life to be normal, not extraordinary not special, just normal. I don't remember what that feels like anymore. I hate the way I feel right now, I feel like such a whiny baby. I'm sorry for venting, thank you for listening!

dandylion

KRYS---have you considered freezing your eggs (after you are off the Lupron)?

Do you really want your wagon hitched to this star? Consider this very seriously.

By the way---there is no "happy normal" when you are entangled with active alcoholism. It destroys individuals...relationships....and wrecks families. It takes no prisoners.

dandylion

Krys

I have thought about it and plan on talking to my doctor about it during my next appointment. Unfortunately my insurance does not cover fertility treatments and that would most likely fall under that category. I doubt I could afford it, but will check into it anyway.

Katiekate

Hi Krys, I am so sorry to hear about all this stuff going on with your health.

It sound really hard to deal with.

Also sounds like you are getting zero support from the boyfriend.

As far as how to approach him, honestly, why even discuss any of this ridiculous nasty behavior with him. He will only blame you for his desire to drink and his inablility to stop.

I am more concerned about you.

Hope you keep posting. Katie

Krys

Thank you KatieKate. As I type this he is still sleeping off whatever he was up to last night. I am kind of thankful for that because it is sure to get really awkward when he wakes up. I don't plan on engaging him in a who's fault is this battle, but do I not ask where he slept last night? I feel like I should know that...he's never not come home before so this is new territory.

dandylion

Krys---If it were me--I CERTAINLY would ask! You do not have to become a doormat and accept things that are unacceptable to you. You don't (and shouldn't) have to just tolerate abuse in any of it's forms (like disrespect, for instance). You also have a right to express yourself.

dandylion

fairlyuncertain

You sound like such an articulate, thoughtful woman. Life can be better than this. there are people who will love us and care for us through sickness and in health. Active alcoholics, though? Uh, no.
My experience was that illness--when I needed support--highlighted my A's immaturity and self-centeredness. It was a very lonely and heartbreaking time. I hope you have the support of Al-anon or family and friends.
There are other ways to be blessed with children and a family than with this man, right now. If it's important to you, you'll get there.
I hope things get better for you soon!

Krys

Thank you, you are both right. It is just so scary, financially I cannot do this alone, I don't have a way out. I have been given the option to take on more hours at work, but with my health the way it is I couldn't handle more. I'll be lucky if I can handle what I am doing right now when my time with Lupron is up. It happened so fast this time. Last time it went on forever before it really became a big issue. This time it only took a couple of weeks. I feel so stupid. I haven't even told any of my friends/family. I am so ashamed. And honestly, what kind of a future do I really have? What partner in his right mind would take on a sick woman (or a healthier woman minus a uterus) who cannot give him children?

dandylion

Krys---lots of men would want you---you are m ore than a uterus---more than just a producer of children!!! I can see that your self-esteem is on the floor, right now--and maybe a bit depressed, too?

Honey, it is time to put yourself first---even over and above this relationship. There is help and lots of hope for you. It would be in your best interest to reach out for help---there is alanon, and compassionate therapists, and tons of support services from the domestic violence centers (yes, verbal and psychological abuse qualifies you!). Of course, there is US, here at SR...LOL. There are other support groups for those with your gyn condition, also. You need not and should not walk this walk alone.

dandylion

Krys

Dandylion that post literally made me cry it was so sweet. I guess the one good thing to come out of this mess (so far) is that it opened my eyes to how truly devastating this new diagnosis is to me. It hit hard when I first heard it, but I was able to focus on the next steps to take and ignore the feelings that came with it. You are absolutely correct, my self esteem is on the floor and probably has been for some time now. Kinda hard to stick up for yourself when you don't feel you deserve to, I needed that push. Thank you for listening/replying it's amazing what one little message can do.

scacra1

Hi,

I am 37 with no children, the reason for this is because I am married to a recovering alcoholic. He is only 9 months into recovery so I use the term loosely right now. I really want children but certainly wouldn't to an active alcoholic, to protect that unborn child. Think carefully about children with an alcoholic is the point I guess I want to get across.
I feel for you I really do.

fairlyuncertain

I really like the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.
It helps heal that negative self talk, and learn how to replace it with more positive messages.

There are people in the world who need what you have to offer.
But unless you are a cocktail waitress, what you have to offer will not be that interesting to alcoholics!

Krys

It is amazing what we give up for them, and for what? We get nothing back. Thank you for your support, and the book recommendation, I will look it up! His highness has finally managed to get out of bed. He came into the living room, sat down for 10 minutes without ever looking at me or saying a word and then retreated back to the spare bedroom to play video games. I guess I won't be finding out where he was last night. Honest to God if I had the money I would leave NOW.

MidnightBlue

Hi, Krys.

So sorry about what you are going through now. Here's my big virtual hug - vent on my shoulder if you feel like

My ex used to blame me of every possible sin when he was drunk, and he also had this habit of leaving home and not returning until 6 or 7 a.m. It wasn't on regular basis, but I had my share of this alco dramas. And I wonder - if men have some manuals (sorry, SR guys, it's not about you) for blaming tirades - like "Why didn't you tell me this? If you would tell me this, I will PROBABLY do this and that, etc., etc.".

It's hard to advice on personal relationships, but I would agree with previous posts - give a good thought about whether do you really want to be with him and have a baby with him. Don't let some fear of being single or whatever stay in the way to your true happiness, which is surely waiting for you, in spite of all the hardships the live has been throwing at you recently.

I am 36 myself, single, no kids. And never felt better in my life.

Take care of yourself.

My very best wishes and positive vibes to you.

PippiLngstockng

He is showing you who he is. The more you need him, and tell him your feelings, the harder he hits the bars.

My xah got really out of control when I had a miscarriage. Drinking, reckless, and selfish. I can't even imagine what he would have done if I'd have gotten truly ill. Way more drinking, way more fights, probably.

This is his (or God's, if you prefer) very clear message to you that he is ultimately a s**thead. Go, fly away from this disaster! It only gets worse! Life is too good and you are too lovely to waste your life - and your eggs! - on this selfish A!

spiderqueen

The night before I needed a procedure that required anesthesia, I found my XA passed out in his own vomit. I had to ask a total stranger to drive me to the doctor.

I'm so sorry for your health difficulties, Krys. And I strongly urge you to save money, move in with friends or family, and do whatever you can to stop relying in any way on your ABF. An actively drinking alcoholic cannot be a reliable partner even in good times. They are especially useless when the s*** hits the fan. The only coping mechanism they have puts them completely out of commission.

Best of luck to you - I hope you can drum up support. And keep coming back!