Dating an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 563
Seconding everything that has been said here. I've dated my ABF for almost two years now. I wish that I had listened to my gut instinct when his alcoholism first surfaced and ended the relationship. I will be ending mine as soon as the lease we co-signed is up, possibly earlier if I can do so without making a bad living situation even worse.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Imagine what it will be like when he has money for booze, but not car repairs.
Or vacations.
Or home improvements.
Imagine what it will be like when he has $300 a month budget for his drinking, but can't spare $20 for a gift for you at holidays. I'm thinking his income will be modest, since at 28 his life is already stressful.
Start thinking now what it will be like when he reaches a point when he's reluctant to do anything that doesn't allow him to drink as much as possible.
Wow Velma. I feel like you just looked inside my head a little bit with that. I have a lot of those same memories. I wish someone like you had been around to talk some sense into me five years ago. Glad you're finding happiness. You deserve it.
Or vacations.
Or home improvements.
Imagine what it will be like when he has $300 a month budget for his drinking, but can't spare $20 for a gift for you at holidays. I'm thinking his income will be modest, since at 28 his life is already stressful.
Start thinking now what it will be like when he reaches a point when he's reluctant to do anything that doesn't allow him to drink as much as possible.
Wow Velma. I feel like you just looked inside my head a little bit with that. I have a lot of those same memories. I wish someone like you had been around to talk some sense into me five years ago. Glad you're finding happiness. You deserve it.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Run!!!!!!
Originally Posted by justme79 
dating an alcoholic?
I have dated an alcoholic for three months now who was working on quitting. I told him i couldn't stay with him if he drank, my dad was an alcoholic. He ended up drinking shots during that time. And admitted to it. I broke it off 8 days ago and now today he wants another chance. Says he will try harder. :/ he is so sweet and treats me great, honest as ever. He can't lie.
I think he has withdrawls from it. How can he successfully quit? He has a full time job but drinks most nights, he has cut down a lot tho. Used to drink vodka all the time. He's been drinking since age 14 and he's 28 now... He drinks to deal with stress etc. Idk help?
I have dated an alcoholic for three months now who was working on quitting. I told him i couldn't stay with him if he drank, my dad was an alcoholic. He ended up drinking shots during that time. And admitted to it. I broke it off 8 days ago and now today he wants another chance. Says he will try harder. :/ he is so sweet and treats me great, honest as ever. He can't lie.
I think he has withdrawls from it. How can he successfully quit? He has a full time job but drinks most nights, he has cut down a lot tho. Used to drink vodka all the time. He's been drinking since age 14 and he's 28 now... He drinks to deal with stress etc. Idk help?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 2
Velma..same here, I have filed bankruptcy twice in my marriage. Always been a financial struggle. Borrow money to fix a car, buy clothes etc. But when there's no food in the house but there is a half case a beer and a fifth of whiskey there's a problem! My self esteem is gone, my passion for life gone a long time ago. I am an empty shell, I just exist, wish this life in no one.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by choublak
Says he will try harder...
Try harder to do what?
Try harder to do what?
NCG
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Hello and welcome to the forum. PLEASE, keep posting. I promise you, there is much insight, wisdom, compassion, care, and excellent advice to be had in this forum. It can be a real lifesaver. I place so much emphasis on the PLEASE KEEP POSTING post, because based on your post (and please understand that I say this with zero judgement, only concern for your well-being) I really think it would help you to stick around here and read up. You will see similarities between what others talk about and what your relationship is like at times.
You have only been together for three months, and so you might think while reading things others here talk about that your relationship "isn't that bad". I can't tell you how much I wish I could tell you in good conscience that it won't get worse....but it will.
Since you are only three months in, he is still showing you his better side...and even his better side has you searching online for advice on alcoholism. Presumably you don't live together, and therefore he can hide much of his behavior. If you follow only one bit of advice for the moment, make it this: DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.
I hope my directness is not offensive to you. Again, I am certainly not judging you. How can I? I am married to an alcoholic. And it is a living Hell more often than not. Far more often than not. Heartbreak, heartache, and a headache.
I felt so sad as I read this...
Even if he isn't lying about anything right now....he will. He will. He will get tired of you coming between him and his alcohol. And he will lie about it. Because he won't want to choose between you or alcohol. He will want both. So he will eventually lie about that. He might say he's sober when he isn't. He might say he's drinking less than he really is. And when you find out he is lying, it will feel like a punch to the gut and a slap in the face. And that might not be all he lies about...because drinking to excess on a regular basis doesn't exactly set the tone for good decision making in general.
He drinks because he's an alcoholic.
I understand what you mean, though. My husband has no clue how to deal with stress or adversity. So, yeah, he drinks to "cope" with these things...but don't let yourself accept that as an excuse. If my husband were to get serious about quitting, for example, he would need to learn coping skills for life in general. There are excuses, and there are reasons. In my mind, an excuse is just that - it literally EXCUSES something. A reason, on the other hand, does not excuse anything, nor does it actually even need to be good or reasonable or healthy, etc. In my opinion, there is a reason that everyone does any and every thing they do - and sometimes the reasons we have for doing things don't make a whole lot of rational, logical sense.
My husband couldn't cope with life so he drank. So he drinks. But, really at this point, he drinks because he is an alcoholic. He could learn other ways to cope if he decided he was tired of drinking to "cope", if he decided that he was tired of the fact that drinking doesn't actually solve any of his problems and in fact creates additional ones. He does understands that he has that option - logically, he understands this. He does not choose to take the steps necessary to go down a different path.
Do not accept excuses - this is your LIFE, honey. What kind of life do you want?
Wishing you the best.
Peace.
You have only been together for three months, and so you might think while reading things others here talk about that your relationship "isn't that bad". I can't tell you how much I wish I could tell you in good conscience that it won't get worse....but it will.
Since you are only three months in, he is still showing you his better side...and even his better side has you searching online for advice on alcoholism. Presumably you don't live together, and therefore he can hide much of his behavior. If you follow only one bit of advice for the moment, make it this: DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.
I hope my directness is not offensive to you. Again, I am certainly not judging you. How can I? I am married to an alcoholic. And it is a living Hell more often than not. Far more often than not. Heartbreak, heartache, and a headache.
Originally Posted by JustMe79
He is so sweet and treats me great, honest as ever. He can't lie.
Even if he isn't lying about anything right now....he will. He will. He will get tired of you coming between him and his alcohol. And he will lie about it. Because he won't want to choose between you or alcohol. He will want both. So he will eventually lie about that. He might say he's sober when he isn't. He might say he's drinking less than he really is. And when you find out he is lying, it will feel like a punch to the gut and a slap in the face. And that might not be all he lies about...because drinking to excess on a regular basis doesn't exactly set the tone for good decision making in general.
Originally Posted by JustMe79
He's been drinking since age 14 and he's 28 now... He drinks to deal with stress etc. IDK help?
I understand what you mean, though. My husband has no clue how to deal with stress or adversity. So, yeah, he drinks to "cope" with these things...but don't let yourself accept that as an excuse. If my husband were to get serious about quitting, for example, he would need to learn coping skills for life in general. There are excuses, and there are reasons. In my mind, an excuse is just that - it literally EXCUSES something. A reason, on the other hand, does not excuse anything, nor does it actually even need to be good or reasonable or healthy, etc. In my opinion, there is a reason that everyone does any and every thing they do - and sometimes the reasons we have for doing things don't make a whole lot of rational, logical sense.
My husband couldn't cope with life so he drank. So he drinks. But, really at this point, he drinks because he is an alcoholic. He could learn other ways to cope if he decided he was tired of drinking to "cope", if he decided that he was tired of the fact that drinking doesn't actually solve any of his problems and in fact creates additional ones. He does understands that he has that option - logically, he understands this. He does not choose to take the steps necessary to go down a different path.
Do not accept excuses - this is your LIFE, honey. What kind of life do you want?
Wishing you the best.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya
If you follow only one bit of advice for the moment, make it this: DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.
Even if he isn't lying about anything right now....he will. He will. He will get tired of you coming between him and his alcohol. And he will lie about it. Because he won't want to choose between you or alcohol. He will want both. So he will eventually lie about that. He might say he's sober when he isn't. He might say he's drinking less than he really is. And when you find out he is lying, it will feel like a punch to the gut and a slap in the face. And that might not be all he lies about...because drinking to excess on a regular basis doesn't exactly set the tone for good decision making in general.
He drinks because he's an alcoholic.
Even if he isn't lying about anything right now....he will. He will. He will get tired of you coming between him and his alcohol. And he will lie about it. Because he won't want to choose between you or alcohol. He will want both. So he will eventually lie about that. He might say he's sober when he isn't. He might say he's drinking less than he really is. And when you find out he is lying, it will feel like a punch to the gut and a slap in the face. And that might not be all he lies about...because drinking to excess on a regular basis doesn't exactly set the tone for good decision making in general.
He drinks because he's an alcoholic.
In addition, if your BF does choose to get sober give it some time (say a year, perhaps longer) to see if he's actually looking for lifelong sobriety before investing any further in the relationship. By his ACTIONS, not his words. My ABF had finished an intensive outpatient program, was doing his aftercare, and going to AA meetings for about 3 months when we moved in together. He decided to start drinking again shortly thereafter and it has created an extremely stressful living environment. And one that I can't get out of until the lease expires in October.
And oh yes my ABF preaches the gospel of honesty. Except when it comes to hiding the bottles of hard stuff in the garage. Then he becomes sneaky, and justifies it by not wanting to make me angry. "See honey I don't drink in front of you for your benefit, because you'd get mad." Then the issue becomes your anger, not their drinking. Ridiculous, but that is how they twist it around to make it seem like it's YOU not them.
NCG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 14
I can completely sympathize with you as I am in a similar situation. Only difference is my ABF (ex) is the one who broke off the relationship to work on his recovery. I would take him back in a heartbeat but you have to use your own judgement to decide whether or not to take HIM back. It's good that you are the one in control. Honestly if you are ok with how things are now, I'd say stick with it. Love is very hard to pull away from, but if you really want to make things work, then give him another try. I guess it really depends on your feelings for him, how he treats you, and what you are willing to put up with.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 41
"This is a lot to think about. Lots of very truthful info here. I'm not really sure what I'll do..."
There is a lot of info here and it's all very good info, but also remember all this info is everyone's own personal stories. We all have choices including yourself and you have to be the one to decide of how much you can put up. Love is a powerful feeling and believe I stuck with my bf because of that love, but you have to remember what are you worth and there is always someone who will love you the way you deserve as long as you give yourself the strength. I will say prayers for you. Stay strong and remember to focus on yourself and let him focus on himself. Unfortunately at this time, if he's still drinking or using, he really can't be honest with his feelings.
There is a lot of info here and it's all very good info, but also remember all this info is everyone's own personal stories. We all have choices including yourself and you have to be the one to decide of how much you can put up. Love is a powerful feeling and believe I stuck with my bf because of that love, but you have to remember what are you worth and there is always someone who will love you the way you deserve as long as you give yourself the strength. I will say prayers for you. Stay strong and remember to focus on yourself and let him focus on himself. Unfortunately at this time, if he's still drinking or using, he really can't be honest with his feelings.
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