lillamy

and if I have offended or hurt anyone here, I want to apologize.

I'm working through the steps (again) and have also gotten to a point emotionally where I'm able to allow myself to start feeling all the feelings I stashed away during many years of dysfunctional alcoholic marriage. Taking responsibility for my part of the dysfunction was somehow not very difficult for me. But actually leaving the rest on AXH's side of the street has been harder. I've had these insane arguments with myself where part of me says "What he did to you was unacceptable" and another part responds "but he had such a sh***y childhood, he didn't know any better" and on and on it goes.

I've gotten to the point where that voice that defends him and excuses his actions and treats him like a child has been mostly convinced that it's wrong. Or that, even if it's right, that is none of my business. That once I'm done sweeping my side, it doesn't matter if he has two broken legs; making excuses as to why his side isn't swept isn't my business either.

The anger bubbling up is tremendous. I'm a person who any given year gets angry twice. And now I'm walking around with this feeling of absolute boiling under the surface day in, day out. There have been some things going on with my kids that have made it worse.

And I hear and see other people putting up with addict abuse the same way I did. And I hear myself telling them the same thing people told me when I was in the thick of it. And I realize afterwards that when you are in the thick of it, that kind of advice -- the tough love kind, the kind that I got a lot of when I first came here -- it doesn't get through all the time.

It didn't get through to me. It just made me angry. But because I kept talking to the people that were giving me the tough love, both here and at Al-Anon, and saw that their words were coming out of concern and experience and love and a strong, strong desire to save me the hell they had gone through, once I got to a certain point, it did get through.

That is not an excuse for flying off the handle or for being harsh. It's an explanation. And I wanted to share it both to apologize and to say that... it's like peeling an onion, this recovery stuff. There's always another layer. And you don't always know what you'll stumble into when you peel off another layer. I'm hoping for chocolate at some point, but so far, it's all just onions. Though some layers are sweet, some make me cry. And some make me very angry.

hopeful4

O dear friend...how I understand this so much.

Just because we can keep ourselves from being emmeshed into an addicts's behavior does not mean it does not **** us off!

My AH is doing fairly well right now. I too am working my own side of the street. My daughter was doodling yesterday in church. She drew us. She labelled my husband Singer, her as Cheerleader, my little daughter Softball Player, and me....Grouch. Ouch. I am glad I saw it because it did show me her perspective of how things are, but boy did it still sting.

The thing is, my side of the street is not really clean if I am still letting the past effect how I am treating others around me. And apparently I am a bit...grouchy! So, it is back to therapy I go. Not just here and there. Weekly...with dedication to work on me this time. I have spent hours in therapy trying to figure out my husband, now it is time to work on me. I have come to grips that my marriage may or may not work out and I am ok with that. Now I have to get past the anger and resentment of the past and the fear of the future.

May God help us both!!! Hugs!

LifeRecovery

Lillamy-

Oh boy am I there with you on the anger stuff.

It has not fully hit yet, but I had to tell my therapist a couple of weeks ago....I don't want to be told that my anger is hurt, fear etc....it is anger and i just want to feel it as such.

She clapped her hands and said of course....when you are holding it down and stuffing it in such a repressive environment for so long (for me more my family of origin then my marriage) it has to come out. It is okay and really needed.

To be heard and validated like that was so important.

I am glad you are feeling this stuff, have not felt like you were harsh in any way and am grateful you have such a strong recovery going on.

Florence

Word. And it doesn't always go the way you think.

lillamy

Oh boy. That is so true. *sigh*

I've had to choose to not go to counseling for now -- between the kids' counseling bills and the lawyer's fees I'm still paying, there simply is not money for it. I know that would be a good, good thing. As it is, I get to mooch off of my daughter's counselor once a month when I see her to get her input on how to help my daughter. It's not much but it is what it is.

Yes!!! There is hurt and fear and pain too, obviously, but that "anger is a secondary emotion" makes me... angry.

One thing my daughter's therapist told me was that women in general and intellectually-tending women in particular are awful at allowing them/ourselves to feel feelings. That we start having a feeling and then we grab it both hands and hold it up to the lights and go "hmmm... interesting... I wonder if this could be interpreted as..." instead of just bawling like a three-year-old for 20 minutes and get it over with. Or going to the gym and pounding out a couple miles on the treadmill or beating the stuffing out of a heavy bag to express our anger. She said she has one client who drives her car out the highway to a pullout and just sits there and screams insults at her ex until she's exhausted. I might wanna try that last one..

Hammer

Yeah, I hear you.

Mr. Compassion that I am and all.

I am shopping my next project(s). Kind of annoyed that I just turned down a two-year tour in the South Pacific, as I would be spotty with the kids, but there is only #1 Priority and that is not for sale.

Just had a note for some other project for an interview with some corporate VP. Sent by one of my brokers -- in the note he put in large ALL CAPS -- "BE NICE!"

Guess I should take a clue, huh?

Wisconsin

((HUGS)) Lillamy. I absolutely totally feel your pain. I spent the weekend so agitated and anxious, and was disgracefully short-tempered with my kids all weekend (who generally did nothing to incur my frustration). Clearly I need to also be working on that part of my program, too...dealing with the negativity and anger even after I have FINALLY learned not to try and "resolve" it directly with my AH. It just gets bottled up and eventually blows up elsewhere.

You have been a great gift to me here at SR. The fact that you are self-aware enough to even KNOW this is going on within yourself...tremendous growth over where you were a few years ago, right? Love you, my friend. Inbox me anytime, of course.

hopeful4

Good grief we are all a mess eh?

Lilamy....I know my old counselor went to work at a womens clinic. What she told me surprised me. She told me I could see her...for free...if I have endured any abuse including verbal abuse. It may be worth checking into. I am actually going to someone else because I feel as though I need to have some sort of medication to help me through this period of anxiety or whatever it is and what I am currently taking is making it worse, not better. So I am going to someone who can actually council me and prescribe the correct medication. I am sure it is tough b/c I don't want to be on anything I could become addicted to...so that is a challenge.

She was a super great counselor. It's not in the best part of town but it would be free. Maybe this is something you could check around on?

Not trying to nose into your business, just a thought. I was extremely surprised by this when she told me, and it does not matter what your income is.

Hugs. May God help all of us.

lillamy

Thank you, hopeful! I will look into that if I don't get out from under the lawyer's fees this month...

deafhound

Hey,

I get some of what you are saying.
I also think that its true...for many women anger is a hard emotion to know what to do with. At least, that is how it has been for me, how I was bought up. I simply did not know what to do with the feeling. But thing is, it isn't just a 'feeling' it is a physical, biochemical event.

Because of the physical reactions going on in your body it is very useful to give your self a physical outlet to channel it into. Run, lift weights, swim, take up a martial art, just channel that energy and get it out of you safely and without self-judgement.

Stung

Goodness, I am sorry everyone is feeling so grouchy, angry, harsh, etc. but boy am I glad for this thread because I feel that way too! I try really hard to use SR and my counselor as my "punching bag" and think to myself that everyone here must think I'm such a douche because I'm only here to share the bad. LOL I don't come here to share cute pictures of my kids or how adorable it is when my toddler makes the baby laugh and then the toddler laughs at her and that makes the baby laugh even harder or how awesome it is when I hit a running PR while pushing 80 pounds of kids & stroller in front of me. I only come here to whine and be a turd and I'm sure that I'm a turd in response (unintentionally) to many threads.

Hammer

THIS is harsh.

Death by Atomic Wedgie.

'Atomic Wedgie' Death: Man On Murder Charge

hopeful4

This made me laugh. I think SR people are great counselors and I myself don't feel like ive been punched. I feel blessed that all you SR people are here and am glad to be able to pay it forward in some small way compared to what you all have done for me.

So I also shout to all of you....THANK YOU!

Rosiepetal

I love your onion description & it explains a bit how I feel at the moment.
Hang in there.
I too am dreading a huge lawyer bill which I'll be unable to pay.
Hugs.

lillamy

Oh Hammer -- thank you. From now on, I will tell myself "I'm angry -- but at least I'm not Atomic Wedgie angry"!!!!

And Rosie -- it's one of the things I could rant about. But I won't. My lovely husband reminds me that while it hurts to shell out the money we could be saving, every penny of it is an investment in the kids' future.

wellnowwhat

Lillamy, I've NEVER found you harsh.

There are only a few whose posts I seek out, and you are one of them. I've found your posts to be full of your ES&H and learned lessons, and feelings felt - not "you shoulds".

There have been times when some have seemed to believe that direct and harsh were interchangeable, not always successfully, and I had to walk away from SR, at times, for a while, as it was becoming triggering. Overall, now, I find that the direct approach is generally applied successfully.

I've grown too, I think, in realizing they come from a place of pain, or remembered pain, when expressing themselves and it is concern that underlies their message.

That, and that I should stick to threads that resonate and I can learn from - I don't have to read each and every thread.

Once again, thank you for all your wisdom and insight and I'll continue to seek it out whenever I see your name.

lillamy

Oh, that was most definitely my experience, too. There were a couple of posters I was scared of because they told me the truth, no holds barred. They're not here anymore or I would thank them.

And thank you for the kind words. I'm afraid I'm a slow learner since I'm still here after almost eight years -- or maybe it is that it's slowly sinking in that this recovery stuff is a lifelong journey and I need to surround myself with people I can learn from...