Not feeling connected to RAH
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by mry 
I believe it is the RA's job to re-establish trust and respect and that takes time. My therapist says that when people feel safe and comfortable with you, they want to be with you. When they feel unsafe and discomfort, they pull away from you. We have all pulled away from our alcoholics, whether emotionally and/or physically. It's their job to provide a space where we can feel safe and comfortable with them during recovery. It's also their job to understand that this takes time and not to pressure us to move faster than we feel just because we want things to get better. I don't believe we need to put any more pressure on ourselves to be something or feel something. I know that I have already put way too much pressure on myself.
If the date night feels good, go for it. If it feels like pressure, take your time to relax and just feel blah. Your blah feelings are not inappropriate. I find that i"m slow to understand/feel just what my blah feelings are - fear, anger, disgust, sadness, shame, contempt etc. I've pushed plenty of painful feelings away because they were too much to feel and now it's hard for me to sometimes even know what I feel. How can I process them if I don't even recognize them?
my rAH is almost 5 months sober. He doesn't live me and our kids. He is sincere in his decision to stay sober but his recovery is so slow. He is not progressing as I hoped he would although he is certainly better than he was a year ago. While this is frustrating, it provides a big window for me to unpack all those numb feelings and deal with them.
If the date night feels good, go for it. If it feels like pressure, take your time to relax and just feel blah. Your blah feelings are not inappropriate. I find that i"m slow to understand/feel just what my blah feelings are - fear, anger, disgust, sadness, shame, contempt etc. I've pushed plenty of painful feelings away because they were too much to feel and now it's hard for me to sometimes even know what I feel. How can I process them if I don't even recognize them?
my rAH is almost 5 months sober. He doesn't live me and our kids. He is sincere in his decision to stay sober but his recovery is so slow. He is not progressing as I hoped he would although he is certainly better than he was a year ago. While this is frustrating, it provides a big window for me to unpack all those numb feelings and deal with them.
The trust is gone and I feel very lost and lonely. We are living in the same house, but have separate bedrooms right now as a means of having some space. Sometimes it would be better for him to be elsewhere, but that is an expense we don't need and we don't have another family member or friend's place that he could go to right now.
I get the numb feeling ... that is how I felt while he was in rehab and now that he is home all of these other feelings are surfacing but there is sometimes just a numbness there that I don't know what to feel or what to think. At times I am just ready for it all to be over and to move on with my life, but he isn't in a good place right now for me to be bringing all of that up. I just feel stuck myself
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 79
Completely there too, RAH sober about 3 months, we're not connecting at all, he has totally pulled away from me, but acting pleasant. It's the roommate type situation which I hate! I never thought we'd end up like this, especially after him finally getting sober! I've suggested date night, he doesn't want to go out, because of the temptation to drink I assume. He seems emotionless. The only spark is when he's playing with our 3 young kids, they are so happy to have their daddy back. Which makes me happy, but it's not enough, where is my husband? We need to go to counseling badly, but he won't, he doesn't believe it will help. We basically get by with just being cordial and pleasant to one another, but it feels fake to me. We used to be soul mates, best friends. He doesn't even really look at me, just walks by and says the minimum amount of words, then retreats to watch TV. I ask him a question, and he says in a monotone voice, "I don't care, whatever is fine with me..." He's just flat. Sex is almost non-existent, when we do, even that seems emotionless, which is not like us! What's wrong, what is going through his mind, is he just numb? I have resentments, lots of them, and I'm still hurt from a decade of his alcoholism, but I feel like I'm trying 100% more than he is, to try to pick up the pieces. He is not working a program, no AA, not reading the books I gave him. He is just not drinking. How long does this emotional numbness last, is he even interested in rekindling our relationship? I guess I feel numb sometimes too, but at least I'm trying to show affection, be supportive, and keep communication open, but he is not responding. Maybe this is a question I can ask in the Alcoholics forum. And yes, I've read some AA stuff that tells the A that all his loved ones need to admit THEIR flaws and work on themselves, bla bla bla, but that makes their alcoholism seem like just a personality flaw like WE all have as well. Those two things are not even in the same category! Sorry for the rant.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Ukiah - I have read about many As feeling emotionally flat or void in the first few months of sobriety, even a couple of years. That doesn't sound abnormal at all. His body is healing and readjusting. Maybe his chemistry is a little off?
I've posted questions before in the A forum and received great responses. Maybe you should try.
I've posted questions before in the A forum and received great responses. Maybe you should try.
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