Things you say to the A then regret
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Wellnowwhat -
Is it kind?
Is it honest?
Is it necessary?
To me?
If it is a kindness to myself, if I am being honest, if it is necessary in my effort to find myself after being squashed under xah - I might write it. To him, but really to and for me.
Cause he's not all there any more.
In the past, when we still lived together, he would say some horrible things to upset me and extend a fight I wanted to escape.
I'm pretty sure I told him I hated him, that I couldn't wait to divorce him, that he smelled bad, and had an ugly butt. Aïe.
All true enough, but these kind of statements brought me down to his level, and that sure is low. And I agree, it isn't just the words, it's how they are delivered at a time of fear, hurt, anger and volatility.
I tried so hard to disappear in his presence so nothing bad would come out of my mouth.
Seems I needed a whole ocean to get enough distance to return myself to a state of relative peace and civility.
He sure did a number on me. Doing pretty great now, though.
If your son is influencing you to say things you regret that lower your estimation of yourself, you might want to think seriously about giving yourself a breather. Time to reclaim your space!
Is it kind?
Is it honest?
Is it necessary?
To me?
If it is a kindness to myself, if I am being honest, if it is necessary in my effort to find myself after being squashed under xah - I might write it. To him, but really to and for me.
Cause he's not all there any more.
In the past, when we still lived together, he would say some horrible things to upset me and extend a fight I wanted to escape.
I'm pretty sure I told him I hated him, that I couldn't wait to divorce him, that he smelled bad, and had an ugly butt. Aïe.
All true enough, but these kind of statements brought me down to his level, and that sure is low. And I agree, it isn't just the words, it's how they are delivered at a time of fear, hurt, anger and volatility.
I tried so hard to disappear in his presence so nothing bad would come out of my mouth.
Seems I needed a whole ocean to get enough distance to return myself to a state of relative peace and civility.
He sure did a number on me. Doing pretty great now, though.
If your son is influencing you to say things you regret that lower your estimation of yourself, you might want to think seriously about giving yourself a breather. Time to reclaim your space!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Thanks Pippi! I never thought about it in "to me?" terms.
In my situation, I always tried (not always successfully) to "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" even before I ever heard that expression. My AH was not unkind in his words, but his reaction is always: to appear angry and -not -say -a -word, -not -a -single -word. Extremely aggravating and extremely passive aggressive. Occasionally he would open his mouth so as to comment, stop himself as if it was too horrible to say aloud, and continue his silence.
Now, sometimes I'll tell him I feel disrespected and angry about a specific action he's has done or not done, but I leave it at that and try to recompose myself. Maybe I just want to have a good old fashioned rant at him, but I know it would be futile and something I would then regret.
Just my experience.
In my situation, I always tried (not always successfully) to "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" even before I ever heard that expression. My AH was not unkind in his words, but his reaction is always: to appear angry and -not -say -a -word, -not -a -single -word. Extremely aggravating and extremely passive aggressive. Occasionally he would open his mouth so as to comment, stop himself as if it was too horrible to say aloud, and continue his silence.
Now, sometimes I'll tell him I feel disrespected and angry about a specific action he's has done or not done, but I leave it at that and try to recompose myself. Maybe I just want to have a good old fashioned rant at him, but I know it would be futile and something I would then regret.
Just my experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
I am learning so much from everyone here! Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights. Dandylion, I am going to the library right now to get that book and will let you know how I like it. I love reading self help books and was looking for a book to read like that. Thanks for the suggestion!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Maybe you could have said things differently, but we are all only human. I think we get pushed and pushed, and put up with so much disrespect that eventually we react. Looking at your son's story, I personally think you did him a favor. You may not see it now, but he needs to find his own way. He needs to figure out shelter, food, etc for himself. That's part of being an adult. If he never feels the consequences of his choices, he never changes. My Mom allowed my brother to use her home every time he got in a bind. He is now 50 years old, and still lives with her. Don't let that happen to you. Forgive yourself if you don't like the manner in which you spoke, but don't feel guilty for your truth.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I actually responded to a thread the other day in the alcoholics forum which they were talking about resentments about being enabled. I was quite shocked to be honest. One poster said they were quite upset about how bad their spouse had let them get without doing anything about it. I genuinely was interested in knowing what they thought their spouse could have done, but I did not get a response. I was not being snarky at all, I am genuinely curious from the other side of the coin since I have been taught, and know, there is absolutely nothing we can do to "make" someone recovery.
Just food for thought. Enabling builds resentments for those doing the enabling and those receiving it in hindsight.
Thanks for the post!
Just food for thought. Enabling builds resentments for those doing the enabling and those receiving it in hindsight.
Thanks for the post!
From what I read about addicition, "resentment" is part of the disease - no matter if there's an enabler or not...
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