Mucha

Hi everyone, I am new to this place, I just needed somewhere to vent.

My boyfriend of a year and a half had been clean from heroin for over a year when we started dating. I am 32, he is 33. In September he decided to stop meetings, citing he felt he had the addiction part under control and was tired of how they tell addicts that they are always sick no matter how long it has been etc etc.

Around this same time, he started acting just a tad differently towards me. I thought it had something to do with his feelings towards me, maybe doubts about the relationship. By November he really started pulling away, would respond if I texted or called first, but no mention of getting together, no more "I miss you"s or "I love you"s. He blew me off over Thanksgiving/Thanksgiving weekend, didn't even ask how my holiday was. I got really sick over that weekend, work crazy retail hours, and we live on opposite sides of the city, so I was overwhelmed and not ready to address what ever was going on with him, wanted to talk to him in person or at least see him for the holidays. But he really just stopped contacting me, nothing over Christmas or New Years. We have had enough open talks in the past that he knows he could come to me with whatever concerns, and with everything on my plate through those weeks, I really felt it was on him to reach out if something was wrong, I can only put in so much effort, you know? By after New Years, I realized he had stopped posted on his fb. A few of his close, old friends are posting jokes about it on his page regarding him being missing or dead, but there is a light heartedness about it, indicating they know he is alive in real life, just gone from his fb. One of these best friends he frequently hangs out with is also a cleaned up heroin addict who works as an opiate counselor. I can't see him making such jokes on there as well if he has, indeed, relapsed, but it just doesn't make any sense.

My boyfriend is a hobby photographer who posts pictures religiously on a daily basis, he has posted nothing in weeks to fb or his flickr account. I had an old friend pass away over Christmas and was tagged in many posts/photos about it, still no word from him or display of concern. I am at a loss, at first I thought he was getting ready to breakup with me, maybe was forming interest in someone else. But is this what a relapse looks like? He was always big on communication and said in the past that he would never be able to end a relationship without talking and understanding things with the person first (no abrupt breakups without closure). Clearly, there is another side to him. Any opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Peace and Love - Mucha

atalose

Put the thought of relapse aside and ask yourself, is this acceptable treatment from someone you consider to be your boyfriend?

Now add the possibility that in fact he has relapsed, ask yourself, is this acceptable treatment from someone you consider to be your boyfriend?

Using drugs doesn’t make his un-acceptable behavior acceptable does it?

Mango blast

Yes, that is a sign of relapse. Every addiction wants their user to believe they don't need help. Whether or not he's using, he's still an addict and is acting like one. That other side of him is called addiction. My non-negotiable is for RAH to be actively working at his recovery (calling his sponsor, going to AA, etc). I cannot and will not look or wait for signs of using, because that will drive me mad. Working recovery can and should be a positive thing that empowers a person and gives them support on all sides.

Have you been to Alanon meetings yet? Those are for you. Attend at least 6 to give it a start. Also read "Co-dependent No More". Being involved with an addict or alcoholic affects us more than we realize.

Mucha

Thank you so much for your responses. I think I just need to hear from other people who have been in the same situations. I suppose I should clarify that I have been telling my friends and family it is over, and referring to him as an ex. I am obviously concerned if he has relapsed, but he won't speak to me about it, and I know only he can keep himself clean and he certainly hasn't been able to be available to me in the ways that really matter the previous couple of months. It's been a learning process, recovery is in his hands, but I need to know what my own limits and standards are for myself. I wouldn't have minded that he stopped meetings if he had replaced it with another form of spirituality or ongoing self help modality, but he didn't. If he reaches out, I will talk to him about it, but I think I have been doing the right thing to let it go and not ask questions.