Leaving Indecision
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Reaching for the Rainbow
Posts: 45
Leaving Indecisions ("...can't get it" contin'd)
Well it's been two days, today is day three I think; went in Wednesday 1:00 pm, so that means she's should be back, either today or tomorrow at 1:00. But she's left detox before, before her time. There are no conditions on self imposed detox, so I'm fearing, she could walk in at any moment.
I've enjoyed the peace and quiet and solitude of being alone these past days. Tried to find somewhere to go, but to no avail. NO one has any quick fixes. I am packing up my stuff, so I can move on the spur of the moment, just throw stuff in the car or van, if I can rent one, and get on.
But I'm still here. Beating my self up, because I didn't actually leave. Wondering if she's going to come home crazy. Sober, yet still talking crazy, cause you know three days does nothing about the alcoholism itself, it just gets it our of your system a little. There's still five more days when it's still coursing through your body and mind... and even after, your mind is not normal.
She's come home before and was still just as sick as she went in, only dry when she came out - sometimes wanting to start over, begin anew, sometimes wanting me to leave... just move out... she doesn't want to deal with my **** anymore. (again I ask, what is this imagined ****?) I try so hard and it's never enough, but here I sit, waiting again!
I can't even find anyone willing to let me stay with them for a while to get my stuff together, cause everyone has so many problems of their own. My mom, is my last alternative. Started to go ask yesterday, but chickened out. She is so old, and this has already hurt her sooo much. We don't believe in divorce and to her, this is the greatest heartache "she" can imagine. Don't worry that it's killing me to stay, to her it's just not done. "We don't divorce, you stick it out! It will get better. You make it better."
But what if you've been trying for years, to make it better, and worse is all that happens?
So I'm thinking to ask her to rent a room in her big house. See if I rent a room, I don't have to deal with the day to day mess that goes on over there too. Oh yeah, we'd be trading one sick situation for another. My sister, god bless her little sick mind, has no alcohol problem, more like a personality problem, in that everyone knows she's a little off. And never fails to give anyone within earshot that opinion. Wears my mother out daily. and to move into that madness is something all together crazy that I don't know if I could deal with, and deal with the separation anxiety that I know is going to come, even though I wanted to leave in the first place...
Confusing huh? Well if you think trying to tell it, is confusing... I'm living it, and that definately ain't pretty! So at 4:40 in the morning, I sit here wondering how to make this move. It's no longer an "if," just a when, and a how. But it's got to be calculated effectively and done smoothly.
I took care of the mess she left. So everything is in place for her to deal with upon her return. But I know, she won't appreciate that either. To her, it was something I was supposed to do. But if she hadn't got us in this mess, I wouldn't have had to. That's always the part she misses. All this nothing I do to keep her/us alfloat, wouldn't have to be if she didn't... Nope. Not going there!
Anyway, folks, it's an uphill climb out this door. Pray that I can find the courage, the impetus, the means to actually get my arse out of here, this time! Pray hard.
Please- :headache:
I've enjoyed the peace and quiet and solitude of being alone these past days. Tried to find somewhere to go, but to no avail. NO one has any quick fixes. I am packing up my stuff, so I can move on the spur of the moment, just throw stuff in the car or van, if I can rent one, and get on.
But I'm still here. Beating my self up, because I didn't actually leave. Wondering if she's going to come home crazy. Sober, yet still talking crazy, cause you know three days does nothing about the alcoholism itself, it just gets it our of your system a little. There's still five more days when it's still coursing through your body and mind... and even after, your mind is not normal.
She's come home before and was still just as sick as she went in, only dry when she came out - sometimes wanting to start over, begin anew, sometimes wanting me to leave... just move out... she doesn't want to deal with my **** anymore. (again I ask, what is this imagined ****?) I try so hard and it's never enough, but here I sit, waiting again!
I can't even find anyone willing to let me stay with them for a while to get my stuff together, cause everyone has so many problems of their own. My mom, is my last alternative. Started to go ask yesterday, but chickened out. She is so old, and this has already hurt her sooo much. We don't believe in divorce and to her, this is the greatest heartache "she" can imagine. Don't worry that it's killing me to stay, to her it's just not done. "We don't divorce, you stick it out! It will get better. You make it better."
But what if you've been trying for years, to make it better, and worse is all that happens?
So I'm thinking to ask her to rent a room in her big house. See if I rent a room, I don't have to deal with the day to day mess that goes on over there too. Oh yeah, we'd be trading one sick situation for another. My sister, god bless her little sick mind, has no alcohol problem, more like a personality problem, in that everyone knows she's a little off. And never fails to give anyone within earshot that opinion. Wears my mother out daily. and to move into that madness is something all together crazy that I don't know if I could deal with, and deal with the separation anxiety that I know is going to come, even though I wanted to leave in the first place...
Confusing huh? Well if you think trying to tell it, is confusing... I'm living it, and that definately ain't pretty! So at 4:40 in the morning, I sit here wondering how to make this move. It's no longer an "if," just a when, and a how. But it's got to be calculated effectively and done smoothly.
I took care of the mess she left. So everything is in place for her to deal with upon her return. But I know, she won't appreciate that either. To her, it was something I was supposed to do. But if she hadn't got us in this mess, I wouldn't have had to. That's always the part she misses. All this nothing I do to keep her/us alfloat, wouldn't have to be if she didn't... Nope. Not going there!
Anyway, folks, it's an uphill climb out this door. Pray that I can find the courage, the impetus, the means to actually get my arse out of here, this time! Pray hard.
Please- :headache:
Last edited by LostDream; 06-18-2004 at 06:09 AM. Reason: context
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Location: Cleaverville
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Pray that I can find the courage, the impetus, the means to actually get my arse out of here, this time! Pray hard.
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: cicero ny
Posts: 65
My prayers are with you LostDream. It's never easy to make that initial move, but with your strength and courage, I know you will get through this okay. I have told my AH that if he ever goes on a binge again that I will leave and I meant it. Right now I guess I'm one of the fortunate ones because he only drinks on his weekend and only after dinner. He's had some doozie of binges and one of them landed him in a flea bag motel because I had the police remove him from the house. I will never go through that again. He has been in detox 6 times in 12 years, but he was always there for at least 1 week. Is she willing to go into a rehab for 30 days? It sounds like that is what she needs. A couple of days in detox just isn't enough. Can you talk to a social worker at the detox center to maybe convince her to go somewhere? Good luck in what ever you decide and again my prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I understand all too well about moving back home with an elderly mom & sibling. The upside of it is that you really push to get it together and move on to the rest of your life.
If you've decided to leave, do it on your own time when you are ready too. You've put out the fire for now, so relax and think and plan. Whenever she returns, you just have to remember it's her drinking problem not yours. Your job is to let her experience the results of her own choices. And it's a very demanding job, it requires biting your tongue, walking away and not fixing things.
Hang in there, it really does get better when you get better.
I understand all too well about moving back home with an elderly mom & sibling. The upside of it is that you really push to get it together and move on to the rest of your life.
If you've decided to leave, do it on your own time when you are ready too. You've put out the fire for now, so relax and think and plan. Whenever she returns, you just have to remember it's her drinking problem not yours. Your job is to let her experience the results of her own choices. And it's a very demanding job, it requires biting your tongue, walking away and not fixing things.
Hang in there, it really does get better when you get better.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
"So I'm thinking to ask her to rent a room in her big house. . . ."
[understanding smiles]
Try to remember tho, that it will be a *temporary* residence!
I'm packing to move me + my 2 spoiled-rotten rabbits into my son + family's basement by the end of the month. I can't even pay rent. The household includes son, dil, 4 g-daughters ages 6wk to 6yrs - 2 GIANT dogs - 3 stinky cats - AND - DIL runs a daycare out of the home - and it's NOT a big house!
Point is -> HP provides for us, we just don't always get to *pick* - ya know?
I'm grateful for my room in the basement, without that the buns and i WOULD be homeless as of july 1.
Call + ask about the room - then if/when you DO need to get out NOW! you can.
Hang in there and break it down a bit if you can. It helps me to makes lists and then I get to cross things off and *SEE* that I really am getting somewhere.
Very very best wishes
Blue
[understanding smiles]
Try to remember tho, that it will be a *temporary* residence!
I'm packing to move me + my 2 spoiled-rotten rabbits into my son + family's basement by the end of the month. I can't even pay rent. The household includes son, dil, 4 g-daughters ages 6wk to 6yrs - 2 GIANT dogs - 3 stinky cats - AND - DIL runs a daycare out of the home - and it's NOT a big house!
Point is -> HP provides for us, we just don't always get to *pick* - ya know?
I'm grateful for my room in the basement, without that the buns and i WOULD be homeless as of july 1.
Call + ask about the room - then if/when you DO need to get out NOW! you can.
Hang in there and break it down a bit if you can. It helps me to makes lists and then I get to cross things off and *SEE* that I really am getting somewhere.
Very very best wishes
Blue
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