New - Alcoholic BF - Should I leave?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1
New - Alcoholic BF - Should I leave?
Hi I am new,
I have known my Alcoholic BF for about two years now, we started off as friends and went out a lot to Bars and drank together. At first I didn't really think much of it as he is a Bartender at the moment, since I didn’t see him very often I just figured it must have been a once an a while thing on the weekends. As we got closer, we decided to start dating in September of 2013.
Starting in October I started noticing that he was out quite a bit with friends, drinking after his shifts and maybe a little before. He would have beer in the morning with orange juice, (morning for him is like 4pm).
Since the summer I haven't been much of a drinker. A beer or glass of wine socially is fine. So when he would want to go out for a beer on the week days or just to a restaurant, even before we left the house he would try and force shots of hard liquor on me, trying to get me to participate. Just made me annoyed really, refusing to take the shots, my stomach does not handle them well.
At the end of October he got fired from his Bartending Job for showing up intoxicated, which he believes is ridiculous because "he only had about 3 beer"... which I don’t believe. He was fairly upset about it and this is I think the turning point of where it got worse.
He started his new Job about a week later, where the management was fine with drinking while working... which made everything a lot worse. He would drink after his day shifts and tell me he would meet me at restaurant’s for supper and some wine and then I would be in that area and text him, "are you here yet". He would say "no, I am still at work, come here for a drink and we will go to dinner after. We never made it for dinner because we would get in arguments. He is just generally rude when intoxicated has a superiority about himself, thinks he is better than you, if you say something he doesn't agree with he will put you down, and if you try to debate his validity he will get agitated and in your face, no violence from what I have seen yet. I would be more worried that he would get punched. Sometimes even if you do agree with him he would for some reason think you are belittling him and continue his argument... around and around.
The worst was my friend’s birthday, He drank so much that when we were bowling he threw the ball backwards, couldn't stand up straight.. was creepily telling my friends how much he loved me, yet coming to me and asking me if he was who I wanted to be with. I took him home in a cab, but not before he could tell off the other couple also trying to get in a cab. Also he decided the cab driver was a threat.. Told him off too. He realized he forgot his jacket back at the birthday party.. we went back grabbed it, went back to his place. Where I proceeded to try and leave, which he would not let me. He would get sad and lay on top of me trying to get me to stay. So I did.. Went to sleep, only to wake up to him urinating on his book shelf.. at that point it was the last straw for me. I left and told him we were done.. in person and by text. Only to have him come barrelling into my apartment at 3am realizing his situation, the same night very upset. He just wanted to talk asking me why and such.. he passed out and had work in the morning. I was still sticking to leaving him.. until we had talked sober about what was going on why I didn’t want to be in the situation anymore. He understood and told me he wanted to change, that this was not him, and it was an awakening to hear what I had to say, he can control his drinking and he could prove it to me. (this was in December)
Moving on to January he has slipped up twice, once going to a hockey game with his brother, calling me drunk at 4 am. Then another at my sisters birthday last week. His excuse for the last time was he just wanted to make sure my sister had a good time, didn’t realise that since he had not been drinking copious amounts that having four shots would affect him the way they did. But still, while he’s drunk he believes he is sober.. and does not believe he has a problem, has the same rude demeanor. I have said I need to think about where this relationship is going and I need advice on whether to stay or not? I have received the same promises, no more hard liquor. He has started to improve his life by going to the gym and has a lot of plans, but I am not sure what the future entails. Is also un employed at the moment, has a couple job interviews today, but who knows if it will stick. He does say if we are not together he will continue towards sobriety, so I am glad that he wants this more for him than to save the relationship.
Obviously I am sure everyone has heard this, he is amazing when he is sober. I am just worried about the future. I know that this is an ongoing addiction, and if I should stay, help and believe he will get better? Or cut my losses and not waste my time on promises of sobriety??
I have known my Alcoholic BF for about two years now, we started off as friends and went out a lot to Bars and drank together. At first I didn't really think much of it as he is a Bartender at the moment, since I didn’t see him very often I just figured it must have been a once an a while thing on the weekends. As we got closer, we decided to start dating in September of 2013.
Starting in October I started noticing that he was out quite a bit with friends, drinking after his shifts and maybe a little before. He would have beer in the morning with orange juice, (morning for him is like 4pm).
Since the summer I haven't been much of a drinker. A beer or glass of wine socially is fine. So when he would want to go out for a beer on the week days or just to a restaurant, even before we left the house he would try and force shots of hard liquor on me, trying to get me to participate. Just made me annoyed really, refusing to take the shots, my stomach does not handle them well.
At the end of October he got fired from his Bartending Job for showing up intoxicated, which he believes is ridiculous because "he only had about 3 beer"... which I don’t believe. He was fairly upset about it and this is I think the turning point of where it got worse.
He started his new Job about a week later, where the management was fine with drinking while working... which made everything a lot worse. He would drink after his day shifts and tell me he would meet me at restaurant’s for supper and some wine and then I would be in that area and text him, "are you here yet". He would say "no, I am still at work, come here for a drink and we will go to dinner after. We never made it for dinner because we would get in arguments. He is just generally rude when intoxicated has a superiority about himself, thinks he is better than you, if you say something he doesn't agree with he will put you down, and if you try to debate his validity he will get agitated and in your face, no violence from what I have seen yet. I would be more worried that he would get punched. Sometimes even if you do agree with him he would for some reason think you are belittling him and continue his argument... around and around.
The worst was my friend’s birthday, He drank so much that when we were bowling he threw the ball backwards, couldn't stand up straight.. was creepily telling my friends how much he loved me, yet coming to me and asking me if he was who I wanted to be with. I took him home in a cab, but not before he could tell off the other couple also trying to get in a cab. Also he decided the cab driver was a threat.. Told him off too. He realized he forgot his jacket back at the birthday party.. we went back grabbed it, went back to his place. Where I proceeded to try and leave, which he would not let me. He would get sad and lay on top of me trying to get me to stay. So I did.. Went to sleep, only to wake up to him urinating on his book shelf.. at that point it was the last straw for me. I left and told him we were done.. in person and by text. Only to have him come barrelling into my apartment at 3am realizing his situation, the same night very upset. He just wanted to talk asking me why and such.. he passed out and had work in the morning. I was still sticking to leaving him.. until we had talked sober about what was going on why I didn’t want to be in the situation anymore. He understood and told me he wanted to change, that this was not him, and it was an awakening to hear what I had to say, he can control his drinking and he could prove it to me. (this was in December)
Moving on to January he has slipped up twice, once going to a hockey game with his brother, calling me drunk at 4 am. Then another at my sisters birthday last week. His excuse for the last time was he just wanted to make sure my sister had a good time, didn’t realise that since he had not been drinking copious amounts that having four shots would affect him the way they did. But still, while he’s drunk he believes he is sober.. and does not believe he has a problem, has the same rude demeanor. I have said I need to think about where this relationship is going and I need advice on whether to stay or not? I have received the same promises, no more hard liquor. He has started to improve his life by going to the gym and has a lot of plans, but I am not sure what the future entails. Is also un employed at the moment, has a couple job interviews today, but who knows if it will stick. He does say if we are not together he will continue towards sobriety, so I am glad that he wants this more for him than to save the relationship.
Obviously I am sure everyone has heard this, he is amazing when he is sober. I am just worried about the future. I know that this is an ongoing addiction, and if I should stay, help and believe he will get better? Or cut my losses and not waste my time on promises of sobriety??
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
you haven,t even been dating for a year, do you need this in your life?
Originally Posted by QandA 
Hi I am new,
I have known my Alcoholic BF for about two years now, we started off as friends and went out a lot to Bars and drank together. At first I didn't really think much of it as he is a Bartender at the moment, since I didn’t see him very often I just figured it must have been a once an a while thing on the weekends. As we got closer, we decided to start dating in September of 2013.
Starting in October I started noticing that he was out quite a bit with friends, drinking after his shifts and maybe a little before. He would have beer in the morning with orange juice, (morning for him is like 4pm).
Since the summer I haven't been much of a drinker. A beer or glass of wine socially is fine. So when he would want to go out for a beer on the week days or just to a restaurant, even before we left the house he would try and force shots of hard liquor on me, trying to get me to participate. Just made me annoyed really, refusing to take the shots, my stomach does not handle them well.
At the end of October he got fired from his Bartending Job for showing up intoxicated, which he believes is ridiculous because "he only had about 3 beer"... which I don’t believe. He was fairly upset about it and this is I think the turning point of where it got worse.
He started his new Job about a week later, where the management was fine with drinking while working... which made everything a lot worse. He would drink after his day shifts and tell me he would meet me at restaurant’s for supper and some wine and then I would be in that area and text him, "are you here yet". He would say "no, I am still at work, come here for a drink and we will go to dinner after. We never made it for dinner because we would get in arguments. He is just generally rude when intoxicated has a superiority about himself, thinks he is better than you, if you say something he doesn't agree with he will put you down, and if you try to debate his validity he will get agitated and in your face, no violence from what I have seen yet. I would be more worried that he would get punched. Sometimes even if you do agree with him he would for some reason think you are belittling him and continue his argument... around and around.
The worst was my friend’s birthday, He drank so much that when we were bowling he threw the ball backwards, couldn't stand up straight.. was creepily telling my friends how much he loved me, yet coming to me and asking me if he was who I wanted to be with. I took him home in a cab, but not before he could tell off the other couple also trying to get in a cab. Also he decided the cab driver was a threat.. Told him off too. He realized he forgot his jacket back at the birthday party.. we went back grabbed it, went back to his place. Where I proceeded to try and leave, which he would not let me. He would get sad and lay on top of me trying to get me to stay. So I did.. Went to sleep, only to wake up to him urinating on his book shelf.. at that point it was the last straw for me. I left and told him we were done.. in person and by text. Only to have him come barrelling into my apartment at 3am realizing his situation, the same night very upset. He just wanted to talk asking me why and such.. he passed out and had work in the morning. I was still sticking to leaving him.. until we had talked sober about what was going on why I didn’t want to be in the situation anymore. He understood and told me he wanted to change, that this was not him, and it was an awakening to hear what I had to say, he can control his drinking and he could prove it to me. (this was in December)
Moving on to January he has slipped up twice, once going to a hockey game with his brother, calling me drunk at 4 am. Then another at my sisters birthday last week. His excuse for the last time was he just wanted to make sure my sister had a good time, didn’t realise that since he had not been drinking copious amounts that having four shots would affect him the way they did. But still, while he’s drunk he believes he is sober.. and does not believe he has a problem, has the same rude demeanor. I have said I need to think about where this relationship is going and I need advice on whether to stay or not? I have received the same promises, no more hard liquor. He has started to improve his life by going to the gym and has a lot of plans, but I am not sure what the future entails. Is also un employed at the moment, has a couple job interviews today, but who knows if it will stick. He does say if we are not together he will continue towards sobriety, so I am glad that he wants this more for him than to save the relationship.
Obviously I am sure everyone has heard this, he is amazing when he is sober. I am just worried about the future. I know that this is an ongoing addiction, and if I should stay, help and believe he will get better? Or cut my losses and not waste my time on promises of sobriety??
I have known my Alcoholic BF for about two years now, we started off as friends and went out a lot to Bars and drank together. At first I didn't really think much of it as he is a Bartender at the moment, since I didn’t see him very often I just figured it must have been a once an a while thing on the weekends. As we got closer, we decided to start dating in September of 2013.
Starting in October I started noticing that he was out quite a bit with friends, drinking after his shifts and maybe a little before. He would have beer in the morning with orange juice, (morning for him is like 4pm).
Since the summer I haven't been much of a drinker. A beer or glass of wine socially is fine. So when he would want to go out for a beer on the week days or just to a restaurant, even before we left the house he would try and force shots of hard liquor on me, trying to get me to participate. Just made me annoyed really, refusing to take the shots, my stomach does not handle them well.
At the end of October he got fired from his Bartending Job for showing up intoxicated, which he believes is ridiculous because "he only had about 3 beer"... which I don’t believe. He was fairly upset about it and this is I think the turning point of where it got worse.
He started his new Job about a week later, where the management was fine with drinking while working... which made everything a lot worse. He would drink after his day shifts and tell me he would meet me at restaurant’s for supper and some wine and then I would be in that area and text him, "are you here yet". He would say "no, I am still at work, come here for a drink and we will go to dinner after. We never made it for dinner because we would get in arguments. He is just generally rude when intoxicated has a superiority about himself, thinks he is better than you, if you say something he doesn't agree with he will put you down, and if you try to debate his validity he will get agitated and in your face, no violence from what I have seen yet. I would be more worried that he would get punched. Sometimes even if you do agree with him he would for some reason think you are belittling him and continue his argument... around and around.
The worst was my friend’s birthday, He drank so much that when we were bowling he threw the ball backwards, couldn't stand up straight.. was creepily telling my friends how much he loved me, yet coming to me and asking me if he was who I wanted to be with. I took him home in a cab, but not before he could tell off the other couple also trying to get in a cab. Also he decided the cab driver was a threat.. Told him off too. He realized he forgot his jacket back at the birthday party.. we went back grabbed it, went back to his place. Where I proceeded to try and leave, which he would not let me. He would get sad and lay on top of me trying to get me to stay. So I did.. Went to sleep, only to wake up to him urinating on his book shelf.. at that point it was the last straw for me. I left and told him we were done.. in person and by text. Only to have him come barrelling into my apartment at 3am realizing his situation, the same night very upset. He just wanted to talk asking me why and such.. he passed out and had work in the morning. I was still sticking to leaving him.. until we had talked sober about what was going on why I didn’t want to be in the situation anymore. He understood and told me he wanted to change, that this was not him, and it was an awakening to hear what I had to say, he can control his drinking and he could prove it to me. (this was in December)
Moving on to January he has slipped up twice, once going to a hockey game with his brother, calling me drunk at 4 am. Then another at my sisters birthday last week. His excuse for the last time was he just wanted to make sure my sister had a good time, didn’t realise that since he had not been drinking copious amounts that having four shots would affect him the way they did. But still, while he’s drunk he believes he is sober.. and does not believe he has a problem, has the same rude demeanor. I have said I need to think about where this relationship is going and I need advice on whether to stay or not? I have received the same promises, no more hard liquor. He has started to improve his life by going to the gym and has a lot of plans, but I am not sure what the future entails. Is also un employed at the moment, has a couple job interviews today, but who knows if it will stick. He does say if we are not together he will continue towards sobriety, so I am glad that he wants this more for him than to save the relationship.
Obviously I am sure everyone has heard this, he is amazing when he is sober. I am just worried about the future. I know that this is an ongoing addiction, and if I should stay, help and believe he will get better? Or cut my losses and not waste my time on promises of sobriety??
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey there Q&A and welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us, but very sorry for the reason you came looking.
Your experience sounds very similar to mine. I dated an alcoholic for about ten months several years ago. I heard a lot of the same excuses and promises you are getting. In the end, I had to trust what I saw, not what I heard. What I saw was a guy who didn't really want to stop drinking, but also didn't want to give me up. In the end, I had to decide to save myself from one more night of helpless misery. To this day he is still drinking and running through relationship after relationship. I am only glad that I didn't stick around longer and waste more time.
Alcoholism is progressive. Unchecked, it gets worse over time. How things are right now might be as good as they ever get. Is that good enough for you?
There is always a chance that he will get into recovery (which is very different than just not drinking), but you have no control over whether that will happen or not, and if it does happen, no control over when.
When you have a chance, read through the Stickies at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics main forum page. They are full of very useful experience, strength and hope.
Sending you clarity, patience, and strength.
Your experience sounds very similar to mine. I dated an alcoholic for about ten months several years ago. I heard a lot of the same excuses and promises you are getting. In the end, I had to trust what I saw, not what I heard. What I saw was a guy who didn't really want to stop drinking, but also didn't want to give me up. In the end, I had to decide to save myself from one more night of helpless misery. To this day he is still drinking and running through relationship after relationship. I am only glad that I didn't stick around longer and waste more time.
Alcoholism is progressive. Unchecked, it gets worse over time. How things are right now might be as good as they ever get. Is that good enough for you?
There is always a chance that he will get into recovery (which is very different than just not drinking), but you have no control over whether that will happen or not, and if it does happen, no control over when.
When you have a chance, read through the Stickies at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics main forum page. They are full of very useful experience, strength and hope.
Sending you clarity, patience, and strength.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Pretend your very best girlfriend is telling you about her alcoholic boyfriend and relayed the details that you provided us. What would you tell her?
Then follow your own advice.
Then follow your own advice.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Obviously I am sure everyone has heard this, he is amazing when he is sober. I am just worried about the future. I know that this is an ongoing addiction, and if I should stay, help and believe he will get better? Or cut my losses and not waste my time on promises of sobriety??
As he progresses deeper into alcoholism you will see less and less of that "amazing" guy until he is no more than a faded shadow of memory. There is no future here, only a downward spiral of alcoholism and abuse. This is the best your relationship with him will ever be. Trying to force drinks on you after you've said no is abusive, he is not respecting your boundaries. My axb used to do this to me frequently. So is becoming argumentative when things don't go exactly his way, getting in your face and being belligerent. Those things tend to escalate with time and especially as active alcoholism progresses.
As for helping- you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Anything you do to "help" him will likely only make the situation worse, and none of it will ever be enough to "fix" the situation. Speaking from experience, I would cut my losses with this guy and start attending some Alanon meetings or individual counseling to figure out why YOU are so attracted to this toxic, unhealthy relationship and start working on your own issues.
As he progresses deeper into alcoholism you will see less and less of that "amazing" guy until he is no more than a faded shadow of memory. There is no future here, only a downward spiral of alcoholism and abuse. This is the best your relationship with him will ever be. Trying to force drinks on you after you've said no is abusive, he is not respecting your boundaries. My axb used to do this to me frequently. So is becoming argumentative when things don't go exactly his way, getting in your face and being belligerent. Those things tend to escalate with time and especially as active alcoholism progresses.
As for helping- you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Anything you do to "help" him will likely only make the situation worse, and none of it will ever be enough to "fix" the situation. Speaking from experience, I would cut my losses with this guy and start attending some Alanon meetings or individual counseling to figure out why YOU are so attracted to this toxic, unhealthy relationship and start working on your own issues.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the very fact that you turned to an anonymous online support group to ASK if you should leave speaks volumes.....by the time we ask, is this a problem? it usually is. by the time we ask, should i get out of this mess? we probably are already a few months if not years behind.
cutting down isn't quitting. cutting out hard liquor isn't quitting. it's still DRINKING ALCOHOL. which is not something he can do with any degree of success. turns him into a jackass, with poor aim. now add in he's unemployed.....and what has really CHANGED? not one thing. drinking is drinking and drunk is still drunk.
cutting down isn't quitting. cutting out hard liquor isn't quitting. it's still DRINKING ALCOHOL. which is not something he can do with any degree of success. turns him into a jackass, with poor aim. now add in he's unemployed.....and what has really CHANGED? not one thing. drinking is drinking and drunk is still drunk.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You didn't start dating until September 2013, 4 months ago. And you are already stressing about his alcohol addiction. HUGE HUGE HUGE RED FLAG. He may be going to the gym, but is he going to AA? Does he have a Sponsor, is he working at recovery? Those are not actually your questions to answer. Fact is, he is an Alcoholic. This is a progressive disease. So the behavior you're seeing will only get worse.
Think about this. If this is who he is moving forward...is this the man you dream of when you think of marriage/parenting? If not, then don't hedge your bets. You have really invested 4 months....cut your losses and move on. It's not your job to save this guy. Live YOUR best life.
Think about this. If this is who he is moving forward...is this the man you dream of when you think of marriage/parenting? If not, then don't hedge your bets. You have really invested 4 months....cut your losses and move on. It's not your job to save this guy. Live YOUR best life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
I didn't even get a quarter way through your story and I could see how this is not a healthy, happy relationship. Your guy reminds me of my Xabf with the excuses, superiority complex and broken promises to change. I'm no expert here, but I can tell you this will not end well for you. Leave now before you get even more attached and just damages your self esteem and self respect. I wish I'd left sooner, before my XA had the chance to go AWOL on me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
.....and few of us here did what its so easy to suggest in hindsight. sure is easier to figure out when it's someone else but most of us have been where you are and one of life's cruel jokes is that most of us were born without the ability to learn from someone else's experience. Definition of minor heart surgery: when someone ELSE is having it done.
First things first.... Do some reading in the stickies and understand that you can't cure him and can't control his illness and you aren't responsible for doing anything about it because you did not cause it.
Everyone here has a different story and a different perspective and there are no absolutes but for those in a better place than we were when we first posted there are some common threads. Our beloved alcoholic got well or they haven't but we did or are doing so. Our beloved alcoholic may or may not have decided that things HAD to change but unless I missed the exception we all decided things had to change and realized that there was someone we could control.
Hang in there, you started looking for help and asking questions and that's a big step toward finding the answers.
First things first.... Do some reading in the stickies and understand that you can't cure him and can't control his illness and you aren't responsible for doing anything about it because you did not cause it.
Everyone here has a different story and a different perspective and there are no absolutes but for those in a better place than we were when we first posted there are some common threads. Our beloved alcoholic got well or they haven't but we did or are doing so. Our beloved alcoholic may or may not have decided that things HAD to change but unless I missed the exception we all decided things had to change and realized that there was someone we could control.
Hang in there, you started looking for help and asking questions and that's a big step toward finding the answers.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
There is a strong collective voice of wisdom here. I second what everyone has said. All good stuff.
Since you're asking for advice, I would encourage you to listen to your own voice as well. Deep down you already know what's best for you. Please don't ignore that voice. Honor yourself. Peace to you.
Since you're asking for advice, I would encourage you to listen to your own voice as well. Deep down you already know what's best for you. Please don't ignore that voice. Honor yourself. Peace to you.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Well I'm an alcoholic and when I see posts like this the first thing I usually tell a person is to get out now before you get in any deeper. The last thing you want to do is get married and then you have kids and now you are stuck with this person.
With us, things usually get way worse before they get any better. It is progressive. To quit drinking is one thing, to stay sober is another. It isn't easy and there are absolutely no guarantees that we won't relapse.
The question to ask yourself is what you are going through now, do you want to go through it for the rest of your life with this person? Because him being an alcoholic is a lifetime thing, there is no cure and he will always be one, drunk or sober.
With us, things usually get way worse before they get any better. It is progressive. To quit drinking is one thing, to stay sober is another. It isn't easy and there are absolutely no guarantees that we won't relapse.
The question to ask yourself is what you are going through now, do you want to go through it for the rest of your life with this person? Because him being an alcoholic is a lifetime thing, there is no cure and he will always be one, drunk or sober.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
