Being Blamed (A Pattern)
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Being Blamed (A Pattern)
I have noticed a pattern where dysfunctional people (even couples!) will point the finger at me instead of deal with their own unresolved stuff.
In my family of origin I was told everything was my fault when I was a kid so this is certainly a recreation of that. I understand a lot about my problems but is there a way someone can verbalized exactly how/why we continue to have the finger pointed at us as adults? How do we set ourselves up for this? Or how do others see us, that they point at us? And what can we do about it?
Thanks!
In my family of origin I was told everything was my fault when I was a kid so this is certainly a recreation of that. I understand a lot about my problems but is there a way someone can verbalized exactly how/why we continue to have the finger pointed at us as adults? How do we set ourselves up for this? Or how do others see us, that they point at us? And what can we do about it?
Thanks!
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That happened a lot when I was an adolescent as well, I'm the black sheep (I use that term sarcastically because I've done everything for myself and have never gotten into any kind of trouble, until now with AH but that's neither here nor there.) I've eliminated contact with people who create drama, both in my family and friends. If they create drama and want a scape goat, it won't be me. Those types are completely out of my life until AH started drinking and started making me the "bad guy." My friends are all loyal and supportive. They aren't looking for drama or creating drama and therefore are never looking for someone to blame things on. My husband used to be low key and drama free too but he's changed.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by BuildWithMe 
I have noticed a pattern where dysfunctional people (even couples!) will point the finger at me instead of deal with their own unresolved stuff.
In my family of origin I was told everything was my fault when I was a kid so this is certainly a recreation of that. I understand a lot about my problems but is there a way someone can verbalized exactly how/why we continue to have the finger pointed at us as adults? How do we set ourselves up for this? Or how do others see us, that they point at us? And what can we do about it?
Thanks!
In my family of origin I was told everything was my fault when I was a kid so this is certainly a recreation of that. I understand a lot about my problems but is there a way someone can verbalized exactly how/why we continue to have the finger pointed at us as adults? How do we set ourselves up for this? Or how do others see us, that they point at us? And what can we do about it?
Thanks!
Since YOU do not want to own or be blamed for THEIR problem, you likely should not take ownership, or control of it, and instead just let it fall on the floor when THEY try to hand it to YOU.
If they persist, you may likely find that will need some distance from them. We call that Detachment, which is often not real welcome by them. From there we create Boundaries, which are sort of like borders where we do not let things pass.
That way THEIR problems stay on THEIR side of the Boundary, while YOU stay on YOUR side.
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Yes, the bottom line for me was walking away.
At first in my head (since I was still in the community) then geographically.
It's a choice you make to accept people's judgement of you.
You do not have to, but you may have to work hard to change your thinking into the detachment mode Stung and Hammer are talking about.
From your previous posts, it seems you are very attached to what your community may or may not think of you.
If you detach, you won't worry about other's opinions of you. It is incredibly freeing and worth the work.
Like Hammer says, they try to hand their judgements to you but you just let it drop and don't let it bother you.
I am so much happier since I went through working on this process in therapy.
I strongly suggest it.
At first in my head (since I was still in the community) then geographically.
It's a choice you make to accept people's judgement of you.
You do not have to, but you may have to work hard to change your thinking into the detachment mode Stung and Hammer are talking about.
From your previous posts, it seems you are very attached to what your community may or may not think of you.
If you detach, you won't worry about other's opinions of you. It is incredibly freeing and worth the work.
Like Hammer says, they try to hand their judgements to you but you just let it drop and don't let it bother you.
I am so much happier since I went through working on this process in therapy.
I strongly suggest it.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Some responses: "Oh well."
"That,s too bad."
And end of conversation.
"That,s too bad."
And end of conversation.
Originally Posted by Hammer
When folks start blaming YOU for THEIR problems (notice the pronouns, there) the problem still is THEIR problem, unless you accept delivery of it to YOU.
Since YOU do not want to own or be blamed for THEIR problem, you likely should not take ownership, or control of it, and instead just let it fall on the floor when THEY try to hand it to YOU.
If they persist, you may likely find that will need some distance from them. We call that Detachment, which is often not real welcome by them. From there we create Boundaries, which are sort of like borders where we do not let things pass.
That way THEIR problems stay on THEIR side of the Boundary, while YOU stay on YOUR side.
Since YOU do not want to own or be blamed for THEIR problem, you likely should not take ownership, or control of it, and instead just let it fall on the floor when THEY try to hand it to YOU.
If they persist, you may likely find that will need some distance from them. We call that Detachment, which is often not real welcome by them. From there we create Boundaries, which are sort of like borders where we do not let things pass.
That way THEIR problems stay on THEIR side of the Boundary, while YOU stay on YOUR side.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
I am learning to only respond to the factual part and ignore any right/wrong judgmental part. It disrupt the defend/blame cycle. However, sometimes setting a boundary of never seeing them is all that will work.
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Posts: 765
Yes.
I also want to sort of answer some of my own questions for anyone else if it can help.
What I noticed is that when we don't trust God, we have fear.
Fear attracts bullies. Actually it needles them.
That's when they dump stuff on us.
Now listen, this isn't about going around the world with an ego. Recovery is kindness with strength. Men and women of faith trust their God.
So that's how we at The ball rolling. We're afraid. Also, we can tend to gravitate towards people like this. I don't even look at them. I walk the other way around the room or walk on the other side of the street.
And then it's about REACTING. I can't respond in any way at all to these people. And as others have implied here, there are certain very non-attention words we can use to drop the ball. Sometimes I have to just say (WITHOUT BEING DISTURBED OR UPSET), "...anyway, I have to get going...enjoy your day!")
I also want to sort of answer some of my own questions for anyone else if it can help.
What I noticed is that when we don't trust God, we have fear.
Fear attracts bullies. Actually it needles them.
That's when they dump stuff on us.
Now listen, this isn't about going around the world with an ego. Recovery is kindness with strength. Men and women of faith trust their God.
So that's how we at The ball rolling. We're afraid. Also, we can tend to gravitate towards people like this. I don't even look at them. I walk the other way around the room or walk on the other side of the street.
And then it's about REACTING. I can't respond in any way at all to these people. And as others have implied here, there are certain very non-attention words we can use to drop the ball. Sometimes I have to just say (WITHOUT BEING DISTURBED OR UPSET), "...anyway, I have to get going...enjoy your day!")
Originally Posted by BuildWithMe
I have noticed a pattern where dysfunctional people (even couples!) will point the finger at me instead of deal with their own unresolved stuff.
In my family of origin I was told everything was my fault when I was a kid so this is certainly a recreation of that. I understand a lot about my problems but is there a way someone can verbalized exactly how/why we continue to have the finger pointed at us as adults? How do we set ourselves up for this? Or how do others see us, that they point at us? And what can we do about it?
Thanks!
In my family of origin I was told everything was my fault when I was a kid so this is certainly a recreation of that. I understand a lot about my problems but is there a way someone can verbalized exactly how/why we continue to have the finger pointed at us as adults? How do we set ourselves up for this? Or how do others see us, that they point at us? And what can we do about it?
Thanks!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by BuildWithMe
Yes.
I also want to sort of answer some of my own questions for anyone else if it can help.
What I noticed is that when we don't trust God, we have fear.
Fear attracts bullies. Actually it needles them.
That's when they dump stuff on us.
I also want to sort of answer some of my own questions for anyone else if it can help.
What I noticed is that when we don't trust God, we have fear.
Fear attracts bullies. Actually it needles them.
That's when they dump stuff on us.
I think you have A Very Good Adviser.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
There are often family scapegoats in dysfunctional families. I was one, and it primed me to accept all kinds of gross stuff in my intimate relationships. Which is why I'm here! Hi. *waves*
There is also something called the "identified patient" that I recommend googling.
There is also something called the "identified patient" that I recommend googling.
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