rigby101

When we met I was the drinker but over the years he joined me. 18 months ago, after a few attempts I quit for good. He continued and deteriorated. passing out in the street and A&E have become regular events. 4 weeks ago he nearly lost the job he loves. he got sober, did Christmas, new year and life was wonderful, till yesterday. came home, he was drinking and stormed off into the night, came back later and was here this morning when he went 'to get the car' haven't seen or heard from him since. im scared, sad, tired and dont know what to do anymore!

Hawkeye13

Welcome to SR. Many people here have been through what you are going through right now.
There's lots of info on the stickys at the top of the page because learning as much as you can will only help.

What do you want to do rigby? What do see as your options?
Congratulations on your own quitting, by the way.
Since you've been there with drinking yourself you know the "three Cs":

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it

My husband also began drinking more with me when we married.
I was the problem drinker as well in the beginning.
Now I've stopped and he drinks himself in the evenings.
I've changed a lot since getting sober. Do you think that is part of the issue?

rigby101

When he is sober he is my best friend. When he is drinking he is abusive and arrogant. I am more scared of being alone and witbout him than anything. He is everything to me. I dont know when/if/how he'll come home. Hes back at work Monday, if he doesn't go he'll lose his job. I know the score hw pushes it to the limit, ends up in A&E and then starts working on being sober again. I just don't want to believe he can't beat this but dont know where to draw the line in the sand? I want to support him and i know i cant go looking for him, but am tired of being scared. I feel so bloody scsred!!

atalose

We all think it's going to be different, your certainly not alone in that thinking. I actually thought at 3 different times it was going to be different. First time he actually went into a rehab for 60 days then a live in step down program then into living in a sober house. So months and months of hard work on his part brought me back. Second time I told myself it was only a minor relapse and he's back on the recovery wagon. Third time it was right back to where it was the first time, only this time he was truthful in saying he wasn't interested in recovery. All this over a 13 year span.

No matter how much clean time they have, no matter what kind of program they work or what rehab they go to.........they will ALWAYS be one bad decision away from relapse.....ALWAYS

What you need to be doing is getting honest with yourself about what YOU want in life and if it isn't a life time of worry of when the other shoe will drop then YOU need to make some changes.

Learn as much as you can about addiction, it's progression and what it truly takes for someone to live the rest of their lives in recovery, it's dam hard work a daily battle for them.

Hawkeye13

You sound pretty powerless here--like his addiction is in control of both of you because of your fear of being alone.

If he is mistreating you now, one thing that is pretty certain is that will get worse as the disease progresses.
It sounds like you could benefit from some counseling and Alanon perhaps--you may have codependency issues as well as your own alcohol issues.
Did you grow up with alcoholic parent(s)?
I did, and that's a big problem I'm still dealing with.
Living with drunks is "normal" to me and I choose people for most of my life with problems because of it.

This doesn't sound like it is going to improve any time soon.
But he is the one who must get help because he wants it.
You sound as though you need to step back or be dragged into who knows what.

It's hard to think like that, I know, but what realistically do you think will be happening in the next few months with his drinking and your relationship?
Money problems will make it all much worse if he does lose his job, and you do have to keep your sobriety intact--that's number one.

rigby101

I know I have co dependency issues. I wasn't brought up around alcoholics but my father left when I was 6 and my mother regularly withdrew from me emotionally to punish or manipulate me then spent the rest of the time loving me to the point I felt unable to function without her. I jave drunk heavily since my teens to deal with low seld esteem and anxiety. Im now 45, good job, 2 fantastic teenagers from my first marriage and 7.5 stone lighter than a year ago. I've changed my life but feel unable to survive without him. I have a wonderful stepfather, no longer with my mum, who has pancreatic cancer and my mum was brain damaged by a fall a few years ago. My hubby is my support. I feel lost without him. I don't know whether to try to find him and persuade him to come home. at least hes safe here?

Apologies for the ramblings. I'm a complete mess atm.

MissFixit

this is not a fast fix

what about continuing to work on yourself and develop new relationships so you are not emotionally dependent on ah?

rigby101

I try and you're right but it's all or nothing with him. Hes sober and my right hand and I have no me time or he's in crisis and I emotionally collapse under the anxiety.

MissFixit

then its up to YOU to create the boundary and enforce it.