SherylB

First of all, Happy New Year to everyone here! I'm back to the forum after a brief hiatus. I have been wrapped up so much in my craziness that I could never get the gumption or the energy to write again.

My AH left me in early November, so I filed for divorce, but he then tried to twist it around on me and continues to believe (in his own mind) that he only needed "time" away to get sober. He said I'm the one who ended our 11 years of marriage by filing for divorce and is blaming me for him potentially losing his car, having nowhere to live except with his stepmom (who he went to live with when he left), and for making it hard for him to make ends meet (since he now has to pay child support) since he doesn't have a job.

Despite all that, he has never once asked me to hold off on the divorce. He constantly gets mad about things (although today he tried to be nice in his own sick way) and when I mentioned that I'd go to a marriage and family therapist if that's what he might want, all he could say was that he didn't believe I would go and that I'd use it against him if we did go. It's such crazy talk to me. If he truly wanted to get back together, wouldn't he want to just come out and ask me or beg me? Not that I want him back, but the guilt is just killing me. I know it's his manipulation but it won't go away.

This week has been so hard for me for some reason. I just want the pain to stop. I don't want a divorce but it feels like the right thing for me and our daughter. And him too. He claims he's doing great with the drinking and smoking and even though that's hard it believe, if he's better without me, it's all worth it, I guess.

Anyway, I am feeling sad and alone and guilty on this New Year's Day. I hate this feeling and was hoping maybe someone had words of wisdom for me. I want to start off the year right, but somehow it feels all wrong already.

SnoozyQ

Hiya Sheryl . ;-) happy new year to you xx

I don't want you to feel sad and alone today. There are plenty of people here to chat to and many in the same situation.

You may find the family forum to be helpful and read lots of posts .

Maybe the break will do you both good and your daughter and see what happens down the track .

Xxx hugs

lillamy

Hi Sheryl.

It is hard to know what the right thing is, when your emotions pull you in two different directions at once.

I've been doing some housecleaning -- the literal kind -- the past few days, and I ran across an old journal of mine. I opened it at random and came across a passage I had written that went: "At this point, I honestly don't know if it would matter if he quit drinking. Even if he never touched a drop again and became sober and the man I dreamed my husband would be, it's kind of too late. Too much hurt. Too much damage."

I was shocked to see that that journal entry was made four years before I left him. FOUR YEARS. Just a few months before I started going to Al-Anon and started posting here.

Why am I telling you this?
Because I think what you're doing is doing something. You are changing something. You are showing him that you're serious. You are showing with your actions what you want. He is saying one thing, doing another. He will eventually show you with his actions what he wants, too. Maybe he already is; maybe he's hoping he can lure you back by mere talking.

You are a wise woman to focus on taking care of yourself and your daughter. You are responsible for your child. You are not responsible for your husband. He is an adult and has to figure life out for himself.

It hurts. Like hell. Some days you don't know how you're going to get through it (those are the days when you change the "one day at a time" for "ten minutes at a time"). But you do. You find the support you need. You find the strength you need. And you keep on keeping on.

One thing I never learned until after I left AXH was that feelings are just feelings. That they don't mean you have to do a certain thing. That being sad, hurting inside, being uncomfortable, it didn't mean I had done something wrong that I needed fixing or correcting. It was nothing but a chemical in my head. And if I just sat it out, it would disappear. And I would start feeling something else.

Someone here said to me once "nobody ever died from being uncomfortable." It sounded harsh to my ears at the time but now I see it as encouraging. I can be deeply sad. Deeply uncomfortable. And it won't kill me. It will feel awful. But it will go away.

I'm sorry you had a rough day. I hope today has been better. Hugs!