JustAGirl1971

I've made peace with my decision to ask AH to leave. And, I've made peace with the fact that I may have to leave if AH refuses to which will mean losing my house as AH can not financially manage the house alone. I've even made peace with the possibility that I will either lose my home or have to sell it. I'm ok with that. Where I'm really struggling is feeling as though I'm abandoning AH. I love him. At the core, he is a good person... just a damaged person not so different from me (both ACoAs, plus he has trauma from abandonment & abuse as a child.) I know in my heart that leaving is the right thing to do. My DS needs to be with me, not my parents. He was very angry with me yesterday. I think we've resolved it, but it's obvious that he feels abandoned and unloved because I haven't left yet. He feels like I'm choosing AH over him. That was never my intention. My intention was to try to save our whole family. But, I can't save AH. He has to do that and he doesn't seem to want to.

This is so hard. I feel like I'm the one destroying our family... even though it's already in ashes. And, I feel like I'm losing some of my extended family. Several of them have made it painfully clear to me that they do not support my decision. I shouldn't be surprised. They make fun of me over al-anon. Logically, I understand that my choices are shining a light on their own addictions and codependency and they aren't ready to face it so they're angry with me. I understand that but it still hurts.

I'm not even sure exactly what the point of my post is? Maybe I just needed to get all of this out? Or, more likely, I'm seeking affirmation that I'm making the right choice, ACOA/codie that I am. Maybe I just want to hear how wonderful your lives were after you made the hard choices and how wonderful mine will be?

FireSprite

I can't imagine how difficult it is to feel stuck between 2 sides of your family like that, but I agree with you that DS's needs should come before AH's.

It's terrible that people want to judge you for seeking therapy - I found that my honesty & ripping-off-the-bandaid attitude really put off anyone who wanted to keep their own issues buried. I lost quite a few friends in this process, but you know what? They can't have been very good friends to begin with if they can't handle the truth of difficult times. (((HUGS)))

Stung

I have no advice but I do think you've very brave and courageous. You're making a tough decision but you're saving yourself and your son. You're only responsible for your happiness and making sure your son is in an environment to thrive. Big hugs to you!

hopeful4

I understand. I have been mentally preparing myself and I too feel as though I am abandoning my AH. I don't feel it is the wrong thing to do, just that he is a needy person and because he is the father of my children of course I am going to worry that he will spiral out of control. I can choose to leave him as my husband, he is still their father.

You said just the right thing. You cannot save him or fix everyone. For now, your dear son needs you, that has to be the priority.

Good luck, hugs, and God Bless.

dandylion

Justagirl---I would not view it as you are "abandoning" your husband---rather, as letting go of a relationship that is toxic to everyone in the family--including him. This is why alcoholism is called a disease that destroys families (among other things).

A family is not defined as simply by who lives under the same roof together. It is more about the nature of the relationship between the individuals---it is about trust and respect and mutuality and loving support....... when these things are gone....there is often more damage than nurture left..... You are hurting; your son is hurting; your husband is hurting.

Going through a breakup and saying goodbye to the broken dreams...leaving the old...and facing the new is always accompanied by a certain amount of pain. Indeed, one may have to grieve for a period of time. But it is short-term pain for long-term gain. And I think most everybody has a certain amount of "fear of the future".

Sometimes the right decision is not the "easiest" one...but, we still have to do the right thing, as we know it.

What would you like for your life to be a year from now?

dandylion

honeypig

As usual, dandylion has said it so well. JustAGirl, you are doing the best you can with the situation you find yourself in. It's only human to want some support and affirmation about your decisions/actions. Scary times make us want to know that what we're doing is right!

In another thread some time ago, there was discussion regarding seeing the A as a person and not just a disease. This really resonated w/me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot lately. It seems that you're definitely seeing your A this way. When you describe him as a good but damaged person, those words could describe my A also. I do understand how you know, logically, in your mind, what you need to do but yet your heart says something different.

My A tells me that one of the sayings in AA is "There but for the grace of God go I." As I understand it, it's a way of expressing empathy and compassion for fellow A's who are still drinking, but yet acknowledging that the person saying those words is following a different path, the path of recovery and sobriety. Maybe that phrase could be helpful to you in thinking about your A, since you say he's a damaged person not so different from yourself in some ways. He may indeed be similar, but there is the important difference that you have sought recovery and he has not. "There but for the grace of God..."

Not sure how clear that is, but I hope it's somewhat helpful. (((HUGS)))

JustAGirl1971

Thank you, all. I think this is why I posted: the support and encouragement that's so freely given here at SR. Dandylion, I do agree it's a toxic relationship. I really hope AH will seek some sort of recovery for himself, or find some happiness. Both for him and our children. And, I hope that with time, DS will forgive his father for his own wellbeing. But, both of those are out of my control so I can't worry about them.

I really hope that getting my children all back under the same roof will help us heal. Oldest DS & DD14's needs keep taking a backseat to DS15 & AH's needs. I know DD will be devastated when we separate. AH has been on his best behavior with the remaining kids since DS left. That's the typical cycle: some major craziness followed by AH acting like best friends with the kids for a while. He can't sustain it for long though - a few months at best, then it's a gradual progression downwards until the next craziness. We're still in the lull and DD so wants a "normal" family that she's buying the act. I have no doubt she'll be angry with me in the short-term, but as Dandylion said: short-term pain for long-term gain.

Dandylion, you asked about my goals for next year. I have two goals. The first is negotiable: pass the entrance exam & start grad school. That's my "me" goal. The second goal is non-negotiable: a safe, peaceful, happy home for me and my children. When the grief is overwhelming me, I'll focus on my goal

dandylion

JustAGirl--those sound like very healthy goals, to me. And, they are attainable. Very attainable. You will see many stories of others here on SR who have done just that.

You are not alone.

dandylion

MsJojo

Hi
I just came on to post a similar thing so I totally get your post. I'm finding the grief overwhelming at the moment. I think its the holiday season thats getting to me. for posting this. I feel less alone now. Hugs and best wishes to you.
Jo