jessicajoe

So he stayed sober and went to meetings through Christmas....yay for him.

Can we talk about how my head is exploding with codie thoughts.

Remember this is a man who has never had anything good to say about AA and is only now going (every day without prompting) because he "has to do something"
He came home from a meeting a couple of days ago and said someone who has been a long time sober invited him for coffee. My A said no and ran a mile, that's him all over. He did say to me however that he wondered if this man was taking an interest with a view to maybe being his sponsor.
Yesterday he came home and said this same man had been the speaker at the meeting and he had really enjoyed his share and seen lots of similarities in their lives.

What I need from my friends here now is for you to tell me to stop fantasizing about finding this man and asking him for dinner (I'm only half kidding) or adding him on FB or even just calling for a chat.
I'm not actually going to do it. I know better. But why is changing my thinking such darn hard work ?
Let go let go let go

HealingWillCome

It's hard work because we want so badly for our alcoholics to become healthy. If they're healthy, they're happy. If they're happy, we're happy. But...that's the problem, right? Depending on someone else's happiness in order to find our own. It ends up hurting us in the end.

You can be happy and healthy--regardless of his choices. Learning how is the hard part. Hang in there. You're doing well. Venting and sharing here is good.

dandylion

jessicajoe----most of us who find ourselves in the co-dependent position, didn't just get there overnight. For most, these were the behaviors and thinking that "saved our lives" as coping maneuvers as youngsters growing up. They probably served us well, back then---as a way of surviving a dysfunctional environment where we had no voice and little, if any, power over our circumstances.

It is not easy to "unlearn" this thinking at the drop of a hat. It takes awareness and motivation and perserverence--which you are actually demonstrating, by the way.

Be patient with yourself..........and, don't be afraid to be proud of yourself, either!

Isn't it amazing what a new avatar can do???...LOL

dandylion

Hammer

Sure.

But talk is just talk.

Doing is doing.

There IS a difference. a BIG difference.

If I am reading your charts and dials correctly, they are saying GET YOU TO [A] MEETING[S].

HE works on HIS A stuff. Meanwhile YOU work on YOUR stuff.

See how those pronouns work?

Pronouns have good boundaries. If only we all had the same.

MissFixit

let go and let god.

you cannot control him.

clean your side of the street.

put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.

any more?

readerbaby71

If he wants to contact this man from AA, he will. It's not your place to do so. I know it's hard to stay detached but he's doing well and he has to do it on his own.

Treat yourself to something nice today. Do something that makes YOU happy, regardless of what your partner's doing.

Hope this helps! Have a good day.

atalose

Maybe it's time for you to pick up a different road map to follow. Instead of the one where every direction has to be lead by the alcoholic how about a new one where you take the lead.

How about getting yourself to al-anon, listen to those speakers, find yourself a sponsor to have dinner with or become Facebook friends with.

hopeful4

O Jessica...give yourself a break. I have been going to CR for just near 4 years. I still have codie thinking at times, it is a hard habit to break. You recognize it for what it is, that is huge progress! When I slip into that behavior and can catch myself doing it I am still proud of myself because years ago I would not have caught it.

You see it for what it is. You are posting here to get insight into it. Go to a meeting if possible for YOU.

Still be proud of you and the progress you have made! I give it to God and then I take it back..quite frequently. Fortunately for me, his hand is always out to take it back again no matter how hard I make it for myself.

Hugs and many Blessings!

LvWrAM123

Empathy here-Hubby has been home from IP rehab for 9 days. He has decided to do 90 mtgs in 90 days. I have had to bite my tongue more than once to not ask/mention anything about it -especially when we were out of town for Christmas, but he did it. I was sick to my stomach when after Christmas he came home and told me he couldn't find the # of the guy he'd arranged to be his sponsor the day before Christmas. It was all I could do to not go through every pocket of coats & pants to find that # for him! but I just said, "Really-that's a bummer." The next day he found a different sponsor and is actually off meeting with him for the second day in a row! I won't lie-twice this week I asked him what his schedule was, fully knowing he had said he was going to, say a 5:30 mtg, under the guise of planning when to have dinner, but if I am honest, it was my manipulative way of "reminding" him.

20 years of habit is hard to break, but so far it is working. To be honest, if he stops going to meetings I am going to have a lot harder time sticking to staying out of his business, but for now, he is self-motivated, and I am NOT going to insert myself into things-he has to do this his way, and while he does, I'm going to work on me, since that's all I can really do. I think a side benefit to seeing me going to meetings, too, will be a way I can show him support vs my usual "planning, arranging, reminding" "help". I stole this mantra from a writer I love, but it is "We can do hard things". It's become our family motto -works for homework struggles, rehab, and reining in my desires to fix & control

You can do hard things, too!

jessicajoe

Thank you friends

I came looking for a bash on the head and now its swollen from the praise !!

HealingWillCome...Thank you for your kind words

Dandylion....yeah.... The new avatar makes me appear thoughtful and pensive and reflective rather than the manic "hair pulling out" person I often catch in the mirror. I hope I keep growing into it.

Hammer....on the button as ever I am two hours and twelve minutes away from my first meeting in a week. That's where "I" need to be.

That's the first I've seen that one MissFixIt. Thank you.

readerbaby71... you are absolutely right. I'm off for a soak with my new Christmas, expensive bubble bath. The hope is that I will look all clean and tidy at my meeting. Like someone who is truly working a programme and looking after herself as there are sure to be post Christmas newcomers.

atalose....puffing up my feathers proudly at the dozen or so AlAnon meetings I have already been to and your right its time to move that forward and start thinking about a sponsor in "my" recovery.

hopeful4.....just thank you

LvWrAM123...... I hear you and I would rather be trying to do this hard thing right now than some even harder things I might have to do in the future.....Thank you

Isn't this place amazing. You can ask a question and go and make a pan of Paella and come back to responses like that. My eyes are full. Thank you.